Advice on 18 year old daughter
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 1
Advice on 18 year old daughter
My 18 yr old daughter had been smoking pot and I recently found out she is taking xanax. She is out driving around at all hours for hours at a time. She was in an accident and was taken in for a DUI for marijuana. We are awaiting those charges. Three weeks later she was in another accident with a car we had bought her. She is disrespectful and talks to us like we are dirt. I recently found out she wasn't where she said she was going to be. I picked her up from work and told her that if she didn't get in the car with me she was not going on her trip to Mexico.
She refused to get in the car so we told her she was not going. She then proceeded to leave our house. The next day she wanted her passport so she could go on her trip. We refused to give it to her. Needless to say she came later that night with the police to get the passport.
We have told her she cannot come back to the house until she can follow our rules, and be respectful. she says that we're blowing this all out of proportion. Since she has going on this trip against our wishes and has moved in with her friend we feel it's time to use Toughlove. We have decided to cut off her cell phone, have the title of her car signed over to us, and we will not support her financially. Are we doing the right thing by cutting her off or are we going to make it worse for her?
She refused to get in the car so we told her she was not going. She then proceeded to leave our house. The next day she wanted her passport so she could go on her trip. We refused to give it to her. Needless to say she came later that night with the police to get the passport.
We have told her she cannot come back to the house until she can follow our rules, and be respectful. she says that we're blowing this all out of proportion. Since she has going on this trip against our wishes and has moved in with her friend we feel it's time to use Toughlove. We have decided to cut off her cell phone, have the title of her car signed over to us, and we will not support her financially. Are we doing the right thing by cutting her off or are we going to make it worse for her?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Sorry for what brings you here. No doubt you are very worried and grappling for ways to deal with all that is going on.
Mostly the folk on this site have either being alcoholics or addicts, or in the friends and family areas, friends and family of alcoholics or addicts. Do you think your daughter is an addict? If so, you're unlikely to stop her with a simple, "I'll take this away unless you...." At hr age that just would have turned me onto self-pity drinking, and of course, I would then have blamed my parents for that drinking because "...they took my stuff and they're treating me bad, whine, whine, whine..." All sound so familiar it might have even happened. I vaguely recall lots of times they told me to leave, then dragged me back when I did leave. It was a messed up time. In the end I left at 18 , took me til about 40 to realise my life was made unmanageable by my drinking (not my parents, bosses, various responsibilities, etc). I got sober at 41 and have been that way ever since. But that change finally came about because I recognised the true effects of my drinking on my life. If I'd Nat managed that then I know I'd be drinking now. As an active alcoholic people, jobs and possessions just kind of came and went. I thought that was just what happened and didn't really acknowledge responsibility for them.
You are talking of 'her' car. Is it hers? Legally I mean? If so, do you have any business selling it? If it's not legally hers but still yours and you just let her drive it then sure, go ahead and sell it. Esp if she's driving under the influence.
I'd suggest posting your predicament in the Friend and Family area to get their experience and strength. It would also be a good call to try some NarAnon or AlAnon meetings in your area. You can't stop your daughter doing what she's going to do, but firm and clear boundaries might save your sanity throughout the process and stop things deteriorating into the screaming matches that drove my poor mother to tears and desperation as she grappled for ways to control me (which was a losing battle).
Prayers for you and your daughter.
BB
Mostly the folk on this site have either being alcoholics or addicts, or in the friends and family areas, friends and family of alcoholics or addicts. Do you think your daughter is an addict? If so, you're unlikely to stop her with a simple, "I'll take this away unless you...." At hr age that just would have turned me onto self-pity drinking, and of course, I would then have blamed my parents for that drinking because "...they took my stuff and they're treating me bad, whine, whine, whine..." All sound so familiar it might have even happened. I vaguely recall lots of times they told me to leave, then dragged me back when I did leave. It was a messed up time. In the end I left at 18 , took me til about 40 to realise my life was made unmanageable by my drinking (not my parents, bosses, various responsibilities, etc). I got sober at 41 and have been that way ever since. But that change finally came about because I recognised the true effects of my drinking on my life. If I'd Nat managed that then I know I'd be drinking now. As an active alcoholic people, jobs and possessions just kind of came and went. I thought that was just what happened and didn't really acknowledge responsibility for them.
You are talking of 'her' car. Is it hers? Legally I mean? If so, do you have any business selling it? If it's not legally hers but still yours and you just let her drive it then sure, go ahead and sell it. Esp if she's driving under the influence.
I'd suggest posting your predicament in the Friend and Family area to get their experience and strength. It would also be a good call to try some NarAnon or AlAnon meetings in your area. You can't stop your daughter doing what she's going to do, but firm and clear boundaries might save your sanity throughout the process and stop things deteriorating into the screaming matches that drove my poor mother to tears and desperation as she grappled for ways to control me (which was a losing battle).
Prayers for you and your daughter.
BB
Into the Void
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: California
Posts: 931
Sorry about your situation. From what you describe I am not sure this is really an addiction situation, although there is certainly destructive and illegal abuse of drugs which should not be ignored. It may just be that she is out of control in general. I would definitely cut her off financially if she fails to respect your boundaries. She may cut off contact to punish you, but would that really be worse than what you have now?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
I think you are doing the right thing. Absolutely.
Your house, your rules.
She is pushing those boundaries pretty hard. You do not have to put up with any behavior that is unacceptable to you and causing chaos in your home.
Thats just my opinion. If my teen were acting in this manner, I would show him the door and let him figure out himself. Perhaps after a bit of time she will realize how good of a life she has and she will apologize and want to come home. Stick to your boundaries. Its important for you to have them.
Your house, your rules.
She is pushing those boundaries pretty hard. You do not have to put up with any behavior that is unacceptable to you and causing chaos in your home.
Thats just my opinion. If my teen were acting in this manner, I would show him the door and let him figure out himself. Perhaps after a bit of time she will realize how good of a life she has and she will apologize and want to come home. Stick to your boundaries. Its important for you to have them.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: CA
Posts: 967
She appears to be a defiant addict at the time. She is out of control, and I think taking away all of these privileges is the right thing to do until she earns them back with a change in attitude and behavior. Stay strong!
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