Dontreallycare

Well, the sheriff was there when I got home. By the time all the back and forth, begging, promises, etc. were done it was 9:30. Basically, it boils down to R(?)AH not really knowing what “divorce from bed and board” means and thinking that it means I want a divorce. No matter how many times I tried to tell him that it only means that we have to establish separate residences, he wouldn’t listen. He asked me to delay anything for 60 days so he can prove that he can get to 90 days (yesterday he got his 30 day chip- great timing on the sheriff’s part). I told him I wouldn’t make any decisions while I’m so emotional and that I would take a week to think about it. In addition, he informed me that this law group is the one that represented him during our domestic violence case a few years ago. I’m emailing them now to see if that is an issue. I also told him I do not want him going with me to my parents in a few weeks. So, in the end, nothing has really changed other than the fact that I don’t have to continue acting like everything is ok at this point.

I still want to see one year of sobriety before I'm willing to try to rebuild, but he wants to start rebuilding now. He keeps trying to say things are different now be HE wants to get sober. He doesn't realize how confused I am about how I'm feeling/not feeling about the whole marriage. He keeps telling me he loves me and that we should rebuild on whatever hope I have. Yes, there is a glimmer there, but hope is not a good foundation for a relationship. I know I engaged in JADEing last night. If the next week continues like last night and this morning, there is no way I'm going to postpone this for another 60 days.

I guess I really don't have a question as much as I needed to try to get this out so I can organize my thoughts/feelings. Has anyone else been in this situation?

Maudcat

I would say, stick to your guns, Don't.
He can pursue recovery , and it's great that he appears to be doing so.
But you sound kinda done.
Space and time will bring clarity, I think.

Eauchiche

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Maybe there is an occasional alcoholic out there who embraces sobriety, then does absolutely anything his spouse wants to prove himself. We don't seem to hear about that type on this forum.

I remember 3 years ago when we separated. My ex's idea of working things out was to get me to come home so he could drink and "talk" to me. He refused a sober lunch meeting midway between our two residences.

I admire your courage. Take care of yourself.

btw, I like the "hell in the hallway" saying. I am going to use that, if you don't mind!

LexieCat

There's probably a conflict of interest if your lawyer's firm represented your husband previously in a DV matter. You may wind up having to retain a different lawyer.

I wouldn't change anything based on his promises. That's what the separation is FOR. It will give you both space to work on yourselves and decide how you want to proceed from here. You can tell him no final, permanent decision has been made, but for now, this is what is necessary, and if he can't accept that, then there's no hope for the relationship anyway.

Dontreallycare

Feel free to use it! I found it on another site and felt it summed up many parts of my life perfectly.

Dontreallycare

Thank you LexieCat. That was my thought, but I'm so confused right now in how my thinking process is going, that I wasn't sure if I even was making sense to me.

hearthealth

You need separation to organize those thoughts and to develope the real you.
My STBXH did what ever I wanted to get back into the house *but* it truely wasn't what he wanted. Some things had changed but his mind set didn't. He couldn't inspect his defects. You need a year to do that. He also didn't have a program to fix those issues.
The same holds true for you. You need that space to work on you and develop that you. You can't do that if your dealing with each other deflect flare ups frequently. It's easier to go back to the old bad ways if you're living together.

hopeful4

I know for myself, the promises were a string along. My XAH was sober an entire year after rehab, then relapsed. I don't know why I was so shocked.

The reality is, any addict can relapse even after YEARS of sobriety. Some can live with that fact, some can't. I am in the can't camp. I will never go through that again, with anyone, ever.

You need space to work on your own feelings and to separate yourself from his promises.

Dontreallycare

And the manipulation starts. He stated yesterday that if our relationship goes south, he's going to sell off everything in his wood shop. He knows that I know how much it means to him. I asked him why he wouldn't just move it to a new place. He said it "wouldn't have any meaning anymore". He still isn't hearing me. He thinks it's an all-or-nothing situation. He also keeps stating that if he leaves the house, he knows himself and he won't come back or be able to forgive me. Ugh. If this is what I have to put up with until the courts force him to leave, I've got to find a way to keep my resolve.

hearthealth

Keep remembering why this nice was necessary. Also keep working on those boundaries. You don't need to engage him in a conversation. Whether he moves it or sells it it is non of your concerns unless you need to document what is leaving the house for financial reasons. Thinking of you.

LexieCat

It's HIS wood shop, what he does with his stuff is not your problem. This is absolutely classic manipulation. He's trying to guilt-trip you. There is ZERO to feel guilty about. hh is right--these are useless conversations. You can't and won't get him to see things your way, so I'd suggest you stop trying.

Maudcat

Just trying to make you feel guilty. Let him sell the whole dang thing off.
Who cares?
Cept you know he won't.
Stay strong.

Dontreallycare

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I wonder what his "wonderful" sponsor would think if he heard RAH saying that.

Ladybird579

He's going to sell off everything in his wood shop. He knows that I know how much it means to him. I asked him why he wouldn't just move it to a new place. He said it "wouldn't have any meaning anymore". He still isn't hearing me

My exah had the same conversation with me prior to our divorce over his woodshop too. In the end he left it...all the heavy machinery, table saws, radial arms...hundreds of smaller power tools.... the whole lot. So I gave it to a Veterans charity who set up a workshop to help vets learn woodwork. He never came back for the tools and never bothered but at the time it was the focus of all his manipulation.

atalose

He threw out the bait ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ ^
And you bit ^ ^ ^ ^ ^

It helps to practice not engaging but rather a simple acknowledgement such as …..”if that is how you feel” and walk away.

Dontreallycare

Yup. I did.

RollTide

"It helps to practice not engaging but rather a simple acknowledgement such as …..”if that is how you feel” and walk away."

One of my favorite things to say to my crazy XAH's comments was, "You may be right." He's all geared up for a fight and you simply acknowledge what he said.

hopeful4

RollTide, I have learned to do that as well.

My standard response, "Ok, if that is how you feel."

Works well.

tomsteve

if this 'wonderful" sponsor was serious about helping another alcoholic and isnt an enabler, the "wonderful' sponsor would probably tell him he can either get into the solution- which has nothing to do happening outside of himself- or sell it all and find somewhere else to have a pity party.

id suggest ya stop fishin.

AnvilheadII

manipulation attempt #1:

He keeps telling me he loves me and that we should rebuild on whatever hope I have.

manipulation attempt #2:

He also keeps stating that if he leaves the house, he knows himself and he won't come back or be able to forgive me.

what is similar in both? first, it's all just WORDS. second, it's all about HIM. third, it's about making it all YOUR fault.