Healthy Boundaries!
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Healthy Boundaries!
So I feel like I haven't seen a super recent thread on boundaries, and instead of bumping one up, I thought I would start a new discussion on it since it's something I really tend to struggle with.
Before SR and al-anon, my boundaries were:
"If you drink on days we don't agree on, I will LEAVE."
Then I came here and learned that boundaries based on his behavior weren't protecting me, because I would always let my boundaries get trampled in hopes of him changing if I gave him one more chance.
Now my boundaries are:
1. I will not tolerate verbal abuse or disrespectful behavior. I will leave the room for 15 minutes should this behavior occur so that I do not respond in meanness, subject myself to further abuse, and so that the moment passes without further agitation.
2. I will not make excuses for him and his behavior. I will not lie for him or about him.
3. No is a complete sentence. I do not have to explain my decision and that my decision is final.
4. I will not ask or check to see if he has been drinking.
5. I will leave the house if he is playing loud music.
6. I will put myself and my recovery first.
What healthy boundaries are y'all setting to protect yourselves and your sanity?
Before SR and al-anon, my boundaries were:
"If you drink on days we don't agree on, I will LEAVE."
Then I came here and learned that boundaries based on his behavior weren't protecting me, because I would always let my boundaries get trampled in hopes of him changing if I gave him one more chance.
Now my boundaries are:
1. I will not tolerate verbal abuse or disrespectful behavior. I will leave the room for 15 minutes should this behavior occur so that I do not respond in meanness, subject myself to further abuse, and so that the moment passes without further agitation.
2. I will not make excuses for him and his behavior. I will not lie for him or about him.
3. No is a complete sentence. I do not have to explain my decision and that my decision is final.
4. I will not ask or check to see if he has been drinking.
5. I will leave the house if he is playing loud music.
6. I will put myself and my recovery first.
What healthy boundaries are y'all setting to protect yourselves and your sanity?
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
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These sound good, SYH.
I have as little to do with my alcohol addicted sib as possible.
It is really easy to get angry and resentful when I go to mom's house and see that he has done nothing to make things more comfortable for her, like bring down window screens.
But...getting angry really wrecks my serenity.
So I guess my boundary is to keep my cool with him as much as possible.
I have as little to do with my alcohol addicted sib as possible.
It is really easy to get angry and resentful when I go to mom's house and see that he has done nothing to make things more comfortable for her, like bring down window screens.
But...getting angry really wrecks my serenity.
So I guess my boundary is to keep my cool with him as much as possible.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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It's amazing how much we put them first even when crossing boundaries. My Abf was verbally abusive to me on several occasions this weekend. I think that when it happens sometimes I am in such a shock that I can't process clearly that I need to act. In fact, what is interesting is that he will often act like the victim after an "episode" and it will play so deeply into me that I am the one who ends up apologizing.
This past weekend he was very inappropriate during a car ride and decided he wanted to talk about my past out of the blue and the men I was with before him ("wow I still can't believe you slept with that guy who was clearly fat, and what did you see in that really nerdy guy you dated? You do know your ex has to be gay right? There is no way he is not homosexual. Look at his face". I don't know many women who would be that un-selective") So naturally I felt attacked and fought back explaining myself and next thing I know he jumps out of the car and starts texting me to have a nice life. Then instead of marching home and letting him go I found I was the one apologizing and trying to make amends.
It still shocks me that I struggle not to hurt his feelings or make him feel bad, but allow it to so freely be given to me.
This past weekend he was very inappropriate during a car ride and decided he wanted to talk about my past out of the blue and the men I was with before him ("wow I still can't believe you slept with that guy who was clearly fat, and what did you see in that really nerdy guy you dated? You do know your ex has to be gay right? There is no way he is not homosexual. Look at his face". I don't know many women who would be that un-selective") So naturally I felt attacked and fought back explaining myself and next thing I know he jumps out of the car and starts texting me to have a nice life. Then instead of marching home and letting him go I found I was the one apologizing and trying to make amends.
It still shocks me that I struggle not to hurt his feelings or make him feel bad, but allow it to so freely be given to me.
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Join Date: Jan 2017
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Oh gosh I know that conversation. My AH likes to talk about all the guys I kissed (didn't even sleep with) in college and a guy that was present in my life during the first month of our relationship (I know, bad, but nothing happened, all emotional).
When he likes to talk about those things he likes to call me a s**t and shame me for my actions that happened 5+ years ago.
After all of our arguments I end up being the one to apologize, I've been better about it lately by trying not to engage and not apologize for having my own opinions or feelings. It's hard, but I'm working on it.
When he likes to talk about those things he likes to call me a s**t and shame me for my actions that happened 5+ years ago.
After all of our arguments I end up being the one to apologize, I've been better about it lately by trying not to engage and not apologize for having my own opinions or feelings. It's hard, but I'm working on it.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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I think your boundaries sound GREAT. I wouldn't even tell him about them. Once you communicate them, they come off as "rules" for him, when they are actually rules you are making for yourself. One of the great things about boundaries is that you don't have to analyze each situation--if you practice protecting them, they become your go-to response.
If he complains because you aren't responding the way he's accustomed to, just shrug and say something like, "I'm not telling you what to do, but I know I don't have to hang around for an argument."
If he complains because you aren't responding the way he's accustomed to, just shrug and say something like, "I'm not telling you what to do, but I know I don't have to hang around for an argument."
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Agree with Lexie - your boundaries are actually very basic ways you respect yourself! He kind of should already know this 
In other words, if he needs you to tell him not to verbally abuse you, he really doesn't need to know these rules!- it's not really an ultimatum kind of thing. You can calmly explain what you are doing next time he violates you (ie. him: "Honey where are you going? you: Oh I'm leaving, I am not tolerating loud music. I can come back another time when it's not playing. Have a great day!"
In other words, if he needs you to tell him not to verbally abuse you, he really doesn't need to know these rules!- it's not really an ultimatum kind of thing. You can calmly explain what you are doing next time he violates you (ie. him: "Honey where are you going? you: Oh I'm leaving, I am not tolerating loud music. I can come back another time when it's not playing. Have a great day!"
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Join Date: Sep 2016
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Also, to answer your question....
1. If he is verbally abusive on the phone, I calmly let him know I will need to end the conversation and I hang up. If he verbally abuses me in my home, I walk to the other room and let him know we can interact once he has calmed himself (much harder in person as my reaction is to counter-argue).
2. If he leaves on a bender, I no longer look for him or pick him up if I know where he is drinking. I do not engage with him at all. I completely disconnect from him. I use to rescue him all the time.
3. If he asks me questions about my past or for details, I change the subject and let him know I will not discuss anything he already knows the answers to. That I will not talk with him unless there is something else he wants to discuss (this is something I have to continue and remind myself because he does it so often I end up taking the bait and explaining myself trying to convince him. Its not fair to me and I do not have to deal with it).
4. If he wants to "socially drink", he can do so and I will not try and monitor him or convince him he is playing with fire. If he does drink it's his decision and so are the consequences.
Thanks for the great thread, I am going to put this list on paper for myself so I am accountable. I will read them every day too!
1. If he is verbally abusive on the phone, I calmly let him know I will need to end the conversation and I hang up. If he verbally abuses me in my home, I walk to the other room and let him know we can interact once he has calmed himself (much harder in person as my reaction is to counter-argue).
2. If he leaves on a bender, I no longer look for him or pick him up if I know where he is drinking. I do not engage with him at all. I completely disconnect from him. I use to rescue him all the time.
3. If he asks me questions about my past or for details, I change the subject and let him know I will not discuss anything he already knows the answers to. That I will not talk with him unless there is something else he wants to discuss (this is something I have to continue and remind myself because he does it so often I end up taking the bait and explaining myself trying to convince him. Its not fair to me and I do not have to deal with it).
4. If he wants to "socially drink", he can do so and I will not try and monitor him or convince him he is playing with fire. If he does drink it's his decision and so are the consequences.
Thanks for the great thread, I am going to put this list on paper for myself so I am accountable. I will read them every day too!
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Originally Posted by Smarie78 
This past weekend he was very inappropriate during a car ride and decided he wanted to talk about my past out of the blue and the men I was with before him ("wow I still can't believe you slept with that guy who was clearly fat, and what did you see in that really nerdy guy you dated? You do know your ex has to be gay right? There is no way he is not homosexual. Look at his face". I don't know many women who would be that un-selective") So naturally I felt attacked and fought back explaining myself and next thing I know he jumps out of the car and starts texting me to have a nice life. Then instead of marching home and letting him go I found I was the one apologizing and trying to make amends.
It still shocks me that I struggle not to hurt his feelings or make him feel bad, but allow it to so freely be given to me.
It still shocks me that I struggle not to hurt his feelings or make him feel bad, but allow it to so freely be given to me.
Did you ever seen the episode of Seinfeld where they do the opposite of what they normally do? And was it George who had a lot of good things start happening?
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my first boundary was - if you are going to be late, CALL. if you do not call in a reasonable amount of time, i will assume the worst, and take precautions to preserve and protect the finances.
sometimes hank would go on a run - maybe a pub run after an early off due to weather day - and the more he drank the more likely he was to "make the call". so i'd shift $$ out of checking into savings.....he was f'd up enough not figure out trying the savings account on the ATM. so i'd leave like $25 in checking......enough for any short-term emergency but not enough to do any DAMAGE.
i LIVED that boundary for a while. i also didn't always execute very well. he'd come home and i would go ballistic. or he'd NOT be home and i'd power phone anyone i thought was with him. one night i called the wife of one of his buddies, and she DROVE around looking for them at the local bars, even came across one of the dope dealers, and i was on the phone with her the whole time. i'd told her, that was it, i was moving out, basic insane crazy woman.
i later learned that boundaries didnt have to be so NOISY. another time he came home, and i just hucked my backpack over my shoulder and left. he yelled, where are you going? i replied - as far away from YOU as i can get.
i learned to be ready to leave and that i could leave - any time. i embraced that MY recovery was of ultimate importance, and if he (or anyone) could possibly compromise that, i had permission to leave. NOTHING was more important than my recovery. it had NOTHING to do with "love" or devotion or promises. addiction IS the ultimate deal breaker.
it's like a bad day in seattle traffic, as opposed to most every day in seattle traffic. there was a day a few weeks ago where EVERY road out of work was F'd. i mean big time, not moving, F'd. but i needed to get HOME, which meant i could not let the traffic win, i had to find a way to navigate thru it. i made a couple magnificent evasive maneuvers, which got me NOWHERE. but i pursued. finally, actually heading BACK towards my office on Mercer, i had the opportunity to pull a u-ey and get going in the right direction with NO traffic.
i didn't let the traffic WIN.
sometimes hank would go on a run - maybe a pub run after an early off due to weather day - and the more he drank the more likely he was to "make the call". so i'd shift $$ out of checking into savings.....he was f'd up enough not figure out trying the savings account on the ATM. so i'd leave like $25 in checking......enough for any short-term emergency but not enough to do any DAMAGE.
i LIVED that boundary for a while. i also didn't always execute very well. he'd come home and i would go ballistic. or he'd NOT be home and i'd power phone anyone i thought was with him. one night i called the wife of one of his buddies, and she DROVE around looking for them at the local bars, even came across one of the dope dealers, and i was on the phone with her the whole time. i'd told her, that was it, i was moving out, basic insane crazy woman.
i later learned that boundaries didnt have to be so NOISY. another time he came home, and i just hucked my backpack over my shoulder and left. he yelled, where are you going? i replied - as far away from YOU as i can get.
i learned to be ready to leave and that i could leave - any time. i embraced that MY recovery was of ultimate importance, and if he (or anyone) could possibly compromise that, i had permission to leave. NOTHING was more important than my recovery. it had NOTHING to do with "love" or devotion or promises. addiction IS the ultimate deal breaker.
it's like a bad day in seattle traffic, as opposed to most every day in seattle traffic. there was a day a few weeks ago where EVERY road out of work was F'd. i mean big time, not moving, F'd. but i needed to get HOME, which meant i could not let the traffic win, i had to find a way to navigate thru it. i made a couple magnificent evasive maneuvers, which got me NOWHERE. but i pursued. finally, actually heading BACK towards my office on Mercer, i had the opportunity to pull a u-ey and get going in the right direction with NO traffic.
i didn't let the traffic WIN.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I think your boundaries sound GREAT. I wouldn't even tell him about them. Once you communicate them, they come off as "rules" for him, when they are actually rules you are making for yourself. One of the great things about boundaries is that you don't have to analyze each situation--if you practice protecting them, they become your go-to response.
If he complains because you aren't responding the way he's accustomed to, just shrug and say something like, "I'm not telling you what to do, but I know I don't have to hang around for an argument."
If he complains because you aren't responding the way he's accustomed to, just shrug and say something like, "I'm not telling you what to do, but I know I don't have to hang around for an argument."
My therapist told me that when I do have conversations about my feelings, I need to keep the focus on me and start everything with I, so that it's less about chastising and more about protecting myself and my mental health. I have to remember that he is not a child, he's an adult, and I shouldn't have to behave like a mom.
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Location: Florida
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
I think your boundaries sound GREAT. I wouldn't even tell him about them. Once you communicate them, they come off as "rules" for him, when they are actually rules you are making for yourself. One of the great things about boundaries is that you don't have to analyze each situation--if you practice protecting them, they become your go-to response.
If he complains because you aren't responding the way he's accustomed to, just shrug and say something like, "I'm not telling you what to do, but I know I don't have to hang around for an argument."
If he complains because you aren't responding the way he's accustomed to, just shrug and say something like, "I'm not telling you what to do, but I know I don't have to hang around for an argument."
In the beginning, for me, I had to be clear & specific with my boundaries. (but I've never vocalized them to others except for maybe sharing examples in helping others understand & define their own) I had been part pushover & part willing sacrifice in a lot of areas of my life while still having this iron-like control on everything. I also reacted differently to different people (in true codie fashion, always tailoring my reaction to the individual in the focus of the drama) - so when I ended up pulled between 2 opposing reactions I would just melt down not knowing which part of "me" to be.... & immediately start discharging that onto others via blame, manipulation, biting sarcasm & passive aggressive BS.
They say that we teach others how to treat us, so I had to first figure that out for myself before I could create the necessary changes to teach others around me.
It was also very different dealing with active dysfunction/addiction and ongoing crisis situations vs. life operating on an even keel.
So now, I don't think about my boundaries much at all. They've become just basic common sense stuff for me - if it's something that conflicts with my morals it's a boundary crosser. If I get *that* gut-tingle, the one that tells me something is off, I need to pay attention. (but again, first I had to find it again) If I'm feeling pushed into something, I have every right to slow the process down or sometimes, even abstain from making any decision at all. Tomorrow is a new day, I can decide then.
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
i later learned that boundaries didnt have to be so NOISY. .
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My boundaries are:
1. If you drink, don't touch me.
2. You have zero rights to my money.
3. If you drink, you will not come to any function with me and the kids, but I will not stay home because of you.
4. If you cannot financially contribute, you cannot live here.
5. If you make a mess while drinking (of yourself, the house, or the bigger stuff job/friendships) I won't help you clean it up.
It was a challenge for a long time, but I got good at it. He knows where I stand.
1. If you drink, don't touch me.
2. You have zero rights to my money.
3. If you drink, you will not come to any function with me and the kids, but I will not stay home because of you.
4. If you cannot financially contribute, you cannot live here.
5. If you make a mess while drinking (of yourself, the house, or the bigger stuff job/friendships) I won't help you clean it up.
It was a challenge for a long time, but I got good at it. He knows where I stand.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
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Just re-frame those in your mind a bit--the boundaries are for you, not rules for him.
1. If he drinks, I will not allow him to be physically affectionate with me.
2. I will not allow my money to be used to support drinking.
3. If he drinks, the kids and I will go to any event we have planned but he is not invited.
4. If he does not financially contribute, he cannot live in my home.
5. If he make a mess while drinking (of himself, the house, or the bigger stuff job/friendships) I won't help him clean it up.
1. If he drinks, I will not allow him to be physically affectionate with me.
2. I will not allow my money to be used to support drinking.
3. If he drinks, the kids and I will go to any event we have planned but he is not invited.
4. If he does not financially contribute, he cannot live in my home.
5. If he make a mess while drinking (of himself, the house, or the bigger stuff job/friendships) I won't help him clean it up.
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