What next?
GalvDeb
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Galveston, Texas
Posts: 3
What next?
Today is day 3 that my AH has not drank, this follows a voilent out break on Saturday night that caused bodily harm to my self and his best friends wife, for which he does not remember much of.
For the first time he admits that this is his problem and he is has to take care of it. I know I can not make him go to meetings or seek help, but is there a way to lead the way. Help!!!!!!!!
For the first time he admits that this is his problem and he is has to take care of it. I know I can not make him go to meetings or seek help, but is there a way to lead the way. Help!!!!!!!!
{tap}{tap}...Is this thing on?
Join Date: Jun 2003
Location: Getting There
Posts: 276
Galdeb,
Welcome to SR. You're right that you cannot make him go to meetings. That is one thing that is consistent for all of us who love, are related to, wish we could change an A. There are many open minds here and good items to read. The common message is "focus on yourself". We've spent so much time worrying about the others in our lives that many of us have lost ourselves.
This is going to be one of the hardest times for all involved. But you did not cause him to drink, you can't cure him of his disease, and you can't control anything that he does. It's maddening but it is the truth. And the truth is not always what we wish it would be.
You're in the right place. Vent, write, read, vent some more but get comfortable because you are in the company of folks who have been there and done that. You're home sister - enjoy what you can.
Peace for today -
Petunia
Welcome to SR. You're right that you cannot make him go to meetings. That is one thing that is consistent for all of us who love, are related to, wish we could change an A. There are many open minds here and good items to read. The common message is "focus on yourself". We've spent so much time worrying about the others in our lives that many of us have lost ourselves.
This is going to be one of the hardest times for all involved. But you did not cause him to drink, you can't cure him of his disease, and you can't control anything that he does. It's maddening but it is the truth. And the truth is not always what we wish it would be.
You're in the right place. Vent, write, read, vent some more but get comfortable because you are in the company of folks who have been there and done that. You're home sister - enjoy what you can.
Peace for today -
Petunia
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: redwood city, california
Posts: 45
Be strong but loving
Jerry, an alcoholic and now 10 months sober. For your AH to get the helps he needs is going to rely upon your strength of constantly urging him that there is a way out and MOST importantly, you will go with him and help him on that journey.
This is what my wife of 33+ years did to finally get me to seek help. She was strong in telling me that she missed me and wanted me back, not the drunk that I had become. She said she would help me in any way, including going with me to an assessment of my situation. When I entered a formal recovery program as an out-patient (only went evenings and kept my job), she was always there, kept giving me the "good ole boy" and constantly reminded me that she was there for me.
That being said, realize that nothing, and I do mean nothing, will change until he fully accepts the fact that he is, and will always be, an alcoholic.
You can relate to him, that when I uttered these words for the first time, "Hi, Jerry, an alcoholic", the tremendous feeling of relief is beyond words. Suffice to say, the weight of the world was significantly lighter.
Us alcoholics cannot simply do it alone. We need support and positive re-enforcement. Be there, but be there in a strong way. Define for yourself clear boundries of what you expect, relate those to him in a firm and loving way, and do not bend. Don't threaten him with something you will not do, becasue he will know and simply ignore you. Do relate to him, that if things do not change, xyz will happen, and then do the xy and z.
It is almost like raising a child. We need discipline and love, just one of the two will not suffice.
This is what my wife of 33+ years did to finally get me to seek help. She was strong in telling me that she missed me and wanted me back, not the drunk that I had become. She said she would help me in any way, including going with me to an assessment of my situation. When I entered a formal recovery program as an out-patient (only went evenings and kept my job), she was always there, kept giving me the "good ole boy" and constantly reminded me that she was there for me.
That being said, realize that nothing, and I do mean nothing, will change until he fully accepts the fact that he is, and will always be, an alcoholic.
You can relate to him, that when I uttered these words for the first time, "Hi, Jerry, an alcoholic", the tremendous feeling of relief is beyond words. Suffice to say, the weight of the world was significantly lighter.
Us alcoholics cannot simply do it alone. We need support and positive re-enforcement. Be there, but be there in a strong way. Define for yourself clear boundries of what you expect, relate those to him in a firm and loving way, and do not bend. Don't threaten him with something you will not do, becasue he will know and simply ignore you. Do relate to him, that if things do not change, xyz will happen, and then do the xy and z.
It is almost like raising a child. We need discipline and love, just one of the two will not suffice.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
Hi Deb,
I have found that the only thing that I can really do is to learn how to take care of myself. If I can't take care of me, how can I possibly help someone else? Most of my life was trying to make others ok, and neglecting me. How could I teach something that I didn't know?
Recovery is for the individual. We can be supportive, but ultimately, the decision is on the person with the problem. Seeking recovery for ourself is showing others a direction. If I want someone else to seek help, I have to be willing to do that for myself.
Al-Anon is a great program for families of alcoholics. It helps us to better ourself, which is a great way to set an example that others can follow. It also makes us healthier and better able to have healthy relationships.
Keep coming here. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope here. If you are interested in finding an Al-Anon meeting in your area, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/english.html and select "How to locate a meeting." Hugs, Magic
I have found that the only thing that I can really do is to learn how to take care of myself. If I can't take care of me, how can I possibly help someone else? Most of my life was trying to make others ok, and neglecting me. How could I teach something that I didn't know?
Recovery is for the individual. We can be supportive, but ultimately, the decision is on the person with the problem. Seeking recovery for ourself is showing others a direction. If I want someone else to seek help, I have to be willing to do that for myself.
Al-Anon is a great program for families of alcoholics. It helps us to better ourself, which is a great way to set an example that others can follow. It also makes us healthier and better able to have healthy relationships.
Keep coming here. There is a lot of experience, strength and hope here. If you are interested in finding an Al-Anon meeting in your area, http://www.al-anon-alateen.org/english.html and select "How to locate a meeting." Hugs, Magic
Searching and tripping
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Back in my head
Posts: 1,194
Hi Gal and welcome :rose
I've seen this before. It's a blackout. They remember little or nothing of what happened. It's also very serious. I don't mean to scare you, but my husband went through it several times and finally admitted himself to rehab.
Hopefully, your friend will not press charges for physical abuse. He would wind up in jail for it.
There is really nothing you can do to make him get help. He's got to want it bad enough and be scared enough to seek help. Sit down with him and ask him how he's feeling about what happened and what he's willing to do. Be kind and gentle. Don't yell and get hysterical. If you do, he'll back off and run away from any thoughts of getting help. Do some research and see if there are any rehabs in your area. Check your insurance to see if they'll pay for it and for how long. Check out out-patient rehabs also. When you're talking with him, you can gently tell him there are rehabs (the ones you found) in the area where he could go for help. Tell him you can't watch him destroy himself. And that you're concerned for his health and wellbeing.
You might also be able to influence him by attending alanon meetings for yourself. They're great. There's no embarrassment, laughing or intimidation. They've all been there and want to help each other. When he sees what you're doing to help yourself, he may follow suit.
Try to stay calm, loving and concerned, but not overly so. Tell him you love him and want to see him take back control of his life.
As they say in alanon....take what you want and leave the rest.
Grace and Blessings, Kathy
I've seen this before. It's a blackout. They remember little or nothing of what happened. It's also very serious. I don't mean to scare you, but my husband went through it several times and finally admitted himself to rehab.
Hopefully, your friend will not press charges for physical abuse. He would wind up in jail for it.
There is really nothing you can do to make him get help. He's got to want it bad enough and be scared enough to seek help. Sit down with him and ask him how he's feeling about what happened and what he's willing to do. Be kind and gentle. Don't yell and get hysterical. If you do, he'll back off and run away from any thoughts of getting help. Do some research and see if there are any rehabs in your area. Check your insurance to see if they'll pay for it and for how long. Check out out-patient rehabs also. When you're talking with him, you can gently tell him there are rehabs (the ones you found) in the area where he could go for help. Tell him you can't watch him destroy himself. And that you're concerned for his health and wellbeing.
You might also be able to influence him by attending alanon meetings for yourself. They're great. There's no embarrassment, laughing or intimidation. They've all been there and want to help each other. When he sees what you're doing to help yourself, he may follow suit.
Try to stay calm, loving and concerned, but not overly so. Tell him you love him and want to see him take back control of his life.
As they say in alanon....take what you want and leave the rest.
Grace and Blessings, Kathy
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