A viscous cycle
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 8
A viscous cycle
All it would take was one really bad night. Whether it was drinks with friends or home with my wife, it only took one heavy binge to restart the cycle.
After that binge, regardless of if it was on a Saturday or a Wednesday, that was when I would tell myself I needed to get it figured out. So of course the first day, the hangover day, it was easy. The thought of booze made me sick. In my mind, it was going to be a long time until I ever had a drink. However, as the days went on and I started feeling better or my wife's anger/disappointment started to wear off I would start get those feelings back. The cravings for that buzz. Sometimes it would last a week, sometimes three weeks. But there was no doubt the cycle was going to start again.
First it would be casual drinking. A beer while grilling or a glass of wine while watching a show with my wife. Then it would gain momentum. Soon I would be finishing close to a 6 pack while grilling/eating and then grabbing a glass of wine to sip on as I helped bathed our kids and get them to bed. Soon that glass of wine while watching became a bottle which would in turn become a box of wine so that I didn't have to feel the guilt of drinking so much because with a box I couldn't see the remaining amount. I would start to buy 30 packs instead of 6 because i could feel better about myself knowing that even tho I had just consumed 15 beers i still had half a case left. For some reason, at least in my mind, that was ground for feeling better about the situation.
Eventually my 2-3 times a week had rolled into 4-5. Then there would be weeks when I knew there hadn't been a day that I didn't have some sort of drink...whether it was beer, wine, or hard booze. It would start to consume my life. It would occupy my thoughts and control every situation I was in. "Where are we going to get beer?" and "how are we going to get home?" were constant questions going thru my head whenever my family was doing something.
While camping, celebrating a holiday, celebrating a birthday, or just enjoying some time together...my mind was in "booze mode".
Reading what I just wrote, I take a step back and put that life in a box. Like what would i think if i were watching that life unfold in front of me from an outside vantage point? What if thst story was one someone was telling me opposed to me writing it? It's hard to even comprehend how I could continue to let this happen. How I could continue to tell my wife that i wasn't going to be incoherent ever again or passed out beyond being able to wake up only to find myself in the same exact fight 2 months later.
I guess for me it's really about what would I rather have in my life? Would I rather have the booze while being a constant disappointment to my wife? Do I want to continue to make her dread social events with me because she knows she'll have to babysit me? Do I want to continue to be a poor role model to my sons by showing them that irresponsible and selfish decisions are okay because that's what daddy does? Do I want to continue to reaffirm the opinions of my extended family - that I like to drink and I like to drink a lot?
Or, do I want to be a better husband, father, family member, and overall better man? I want to wake up and be excited about the day because it's going to be enjoyable for all the right reasons...not because I know there's a drink in my near future.
After that binge, regardless of if it was on a Saturday or a Wednesday, that was when I would tell myself I needed to get it figured out. So of course the first day, the hangover day, it was easy. The thought of booze made me sick. In my mind, it was going to be a long time until I ever had a drink. However, as the days went on and I started feeling better or my wife's anger/disappointment started to wear off I would start get those feelings back. The cravings for that buzz. Sometimes it would last a week, sometimes three weeks. But there was no doubt the cycle was going to start again.
First it would be casual drinking. A beer while grilling or a glass of wine while watching a show with my wife. Then it would gain momentum. Soon I would be finishing close to a 6 pack while grilling/eating and then grabbing a glass of wine to sip on as I helped bathed our kids and get them to bed. Soon that glass of wine while watching became a bottle which would in turn become a box of wine so that I didn't have to feel the guilt of drinking so much because with a box I couldn't see the remaining amount. I would start to buy 30 packs instead of 6 because i could feel better about myself knowing that even tho I had just consumed 15 beers i still had half a case left. For some reason, at least in my mind, that was ground for feeling better about the situation.
Eventually my 2-3 times a week had rolled into 4-5. Then there would be weeks when I knew there hadn't been a day that I didn't have some sort of drink...whether it was beer, wine, or hard booze. It would start to consume my life. It would occupy my thoughts and control every situation I was in. "Where are we going to get beer?" and "how are we going to get home?" were constant questions going thru my head whenever my family was doing something.
While camping, celebrating a holiday, celebrating a birthday, or just enjoying some time together...my mind was in "booze mode".
Reading what I just wrote, I take a step back and put that life in a box. Like what would i think if i were watching that life unfold in front of me from an outside vantage point? What if thst story was one someone was telling me opposed to me writing it? It's hard to even comprehend how I could continue to let this happen. How I could continue to tell my wife that i wasn't going to be incoherent ever again or passed out beyond being able to wake up only to find myself in the same exact fight 2 months later.
I guess for me it's really about what would I rather have in my life? Would I rather have the booze while being a constant disappointment to my wife? Do I want to continue to make her dread social events with me because she knows she'll have to babysit me? Do I want to continue to be a poor role model to my sons by showing them that irresponsible and selfish decisions are okay because that's what daddy does? Do I want to continue to reaffirm the opinions of my extended family - that I like to drink and I like to drink a lot?
Or, do I want to be a better husband, father, family member, and overall better man? I want to wake up and be excited about the day because it's going to be enjoyable for all the right reasons...not because I know there's a drink in my near future.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 701
"What if thst story was one someone was telling me opposed to me writing it?"
That's an interesting idea, having someone else tell us our own story as if it were theirs. Would be rather eye-opening to hear it from a distance.
(You sound like an intelligent guy. You know what to do.)
That's an interesting idea, having someone else tell us our own story as if it were theirs. Would be rather eye-opening to hear it from a distance.
(You sound like an intelligent guy. You know what to do.)
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Location: NH
Posts: 374
Nice post. It's amazing how crazy active addiction can seem once you have built some sober time and some perspective. All that 24/7 drinking/planning to drink/ recovering from drinking seems like a bad dream, or as if it was happening to someone else...
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: Out in the Stix of Southern Indiana
Posts: 2,784
Man, I could have written this word for word about me! Thank you! I'm sorry this happened to you and you family. But every time I read something like this it helps me so much and I'm sure it helps many others.With the sober time I have accumulated I feel so much more comfortable. I really don't have the cravings like I did and any thought about drinking automatically plays the tape and it goes away right now. I wish you well on your journey!
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Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: LI, NY
Posts: 982
I commend you for your courageous and honest post. Always thinking about drinking is no way to live. I'm new to this at about 11 weeks in and can relate to a lot of what you wrote. Commit to a sober lifestyle and work a plan, good things will happen for sure.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 8
Thank you all for your support and kind words.
It's ironic this decision wasn't one derived based on feeling like death after a binge. Actually, since December of 2016 I've had three drinks.
My wife is pregnant. Prior to conseption, but during the "planning" stage I told my wife (somewhat sarcastically) that I wouldn't drink the whole time she was pregnant. She was obviously skeptical, for good reason, and thought there was no way in hell that would happen. Well...literally a week after I had told her about my plans to not drink we found out she was pregnant (what happens in vegas doesn't always stay there!). Needless to say I was caught off guard a little bit and struggled the first couple weekends and didn't stick to my plan. Once I got my act together, I abstained totally until mid March. I was feeling good and really didn't have any cravings or desires to drink. Then on one of the first nice days of the spring this year we stopped at a friend's house who we tend to hang out with booze involved. They were working outside and drinking. After heavy pressure from them and my wife "gracing" me I had a couple whiskey/cokes over the span of a couple hours. I felt almost guilty and was really kind of disappointed in my decision. Up until June 4th I abstained again, but this time it was wayyy more difficult. Summer was in full swing and every trigger for my drinking seemed to be hitting me from all angles, ten fold. On June 4th, while hanging out with my wife's family at their house on the river, I succumbed and to my urges and had another drink. Just that morning my wife had told me how proud she was of my ability to abstain and how happy she was I was doing this for myself. After I had that drink, and the subsequent conversation I had with my wife following, I realized I wasn't doing it for myself...but rather so that my wife wouldn't be mad at me. All the stuff I had said during my abstinence was just a bunch of bull and I really had no intentions of getting better. I was more so just buying my time until it was "okay" to drink again (after the baby's born). It was then that I came to the realization that it was again going to be only a matter of time until I binged and woke up with the same headache and sinking feeling knowing that I let my family down.
I can't have booze even be an option. Because I can't choose anything over it. I need to cut it from my thought process and my life. That's the only way I'll be able to get this thing figured out.
It's ironic this decision wasn't one derived based on feeling like death after a binge. Actually, since December of 2016 I've had three drinks.
My wife is pregnant. Prior to conseption, but during the "planning" stage I told my wife (somewhat sarcastically) that I wouldn't drink the whole time she was pregnant. She was obviously skeptical, for good reason, and thought there was no way in hell that would happen. Well...literally a week after I had told her about my plans to not drink we found out she was pregnant (what happens in vegas doesn't always stay there!). Needless to say I was caught off guard a little bit and struggled the first couple weekends and didn't stick to my plan. Once I got my act together, I abstained totally until mid March. I was feeling good and really didn't have any cravings or desires to drink. Then on one of the first nice days of the spring this year we stopped at a friend's house who we tend to hang out with booze involved. They were working outside and drinking. After heavy pressure from them and my wife "gracing" me I had a couple whiskey/cokes over the span of a couple hours. I felt almost guilty and was really kind of disappointed in my decision. Up until June 4th I abstained again, but this time it was wayyy more difficult. Summer was in full swing and every trigger for my drinking seemed to be hitting me from all angles, ten fold. On June 4th, while hanging out with my wife's family at their house on the river, I succumbed and to my urges and had another drink. Just that morning my wife had told me how proud she was of my ability to abstain and how happy she was I was doing this for myself. After I had that drink, and the subsequent conversation I had with my wife following, I realized I wasn't doing it for myself...but rather so that my wife wouldn't be mad at me. All the stuff I had said during my abstinence was just a bunch of bull and I really had no intentions of getting better. I was more so just buying my time until it was "okay" to drink again (after the baby's born). It was then that I came to the realization that it was again going to be only a matter of time until I binged and woke up with the same headache and sinking feeling knowing that I let my family down.
I can't have booze even be an option. Because I can't choose anything over it. I need to cut it from my thought process and my life. That's the only way I'll be able to get this thing figured out.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 285
Originally Posted by Inchworm 
This bargaining thing that I have done is nuts.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: US
Posts: 16,896
I've also had to accept that moderation is no good for me.....like having to break away from a toxic relationship or friendship where no contact is my only option.
Stay close to SR! And congrats on your new baby!
Stay close to SR! And congrats on your new baby!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,658
Gerb- you wrote my epitaph. Almost exact. I left it too late. In order from 'as it happened'...I lost my reputation, license, car, career, financial security, friends...then my health, 'married' status, my son's (adults) respect and all family. Then I lost my life ( 3 times, point in fact), home and anything resembling self respect. To look into the abyss and step back- is a much, much better option than throwing yourself in and crawling inch by inch - back out with nothing.
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Hi Gerbel,
Congratulations on your the newest little one to join your family soon.
Like you, I learned the hard way moderation doesn't work. Truthfully it is much easier not drinking at all, then it is trying to have just one.
This site has been an incredible support for me, and I'm sure it will be for you as well.
Congratulations on your the newest little one to join your family soon.
Like you, I learned the hard way moderation doesn't work. Truthfully it is much easier not drinking at all, then it is trying to have just one.
This site has been an incredible support for me, and I'm sure it will be for you as well.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Location: Boston Ma
Posts: 980
Originally Posted by MrMcTell
Nice post. It's amazing how crazy active addiction can seem once you have built some sober time and some perspective. All that 24/7 drinking/planning to drink/ recovering from drinking seems like a bad dream, or as if it was happening to someone else...
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