Gracey

I have been taking one day to a time and it is making my life easier. My husband went to his uncles after work yesterday to fix his uncle's pipe that was leaking.....he left right after work and didnt get home till 9:00......he called and let me know that is what he was doing and that he wouldnt be gone long....he wanted to get there and leave early before his Uncle son start to drink......

I knew he wouldnt be home anytime soon.......he left at three......and I figured he wouldnt be home till late......I didnt call one time.....I did think about it a bit......but as soon as I did, I told myself that it is okay and after a minute I was okay...... I didnt obsess over him, I concentrated on me and my kids......

I am finding it rather peaceful when he is gone......and that is what I am learning to enjoy......the peace with him not there....

When he came home he expected me to be mad......he kept saying what is wrong........I said absolutely nothing is wrong....I am watching a program.......he says to me your mad at me arent you......you are mad that I wasnt home.....and that I didnt get home till 9:00......

I said to him no I am actually in a very good mood.........I had a great night......I read to Bree, helped with homework, signed planners, listen to my son play the trumpet....(he is getting better) lol......I had a great night.......

He says you mean you didnt miss me........I said I didnt say that.......I said gee wizzzzzzz you were only gone for a little bit and you were doing a great thing for your uncle........Did you get his pipe fixed.......I could tell he was feeling sorry for himself......

I think I know what he needed.......he needed me to tell him how nice of a person he was for fixing his uncles pipes......he needed a hug and for me to reassure him, he was good.....and that I wasnt mad......It is almost like he wanted me to console him.......he needs to be recognized for his good deed......it is almost like he wants to be put on a pedastol......I just dont want to do that anymore.....So he did something nice......I do something nice everyday........Maybe if he went above and beyond to help me like he did other people...I would feel differently............

I guess I am being stubborn, if he isnt going to give me what I want or need.......then why should I give him what he needs and wants.......and to be honest it is really hard being nice to him.........I see him as this big baby......who needs more attention than I can give him......and if he dont get his way he has an adult temper tantrum......

JessicaNAJ

I wouldn’t think of it as not giving him what he needs and wants. I would think of it as doing something for you. Just because you didn’t give him the reaction he expected doesn’t mean your being “COLD”. He’s probably a little disappointed because he expected to home to you ranting and raving about him being late and when you didn’t it screwed up his whole speech he had prepared for you…lol Remember, he’s used to you reacting a certain way the same as we CoDe are use to them acting a certain way. When we do the opposite of what they expect, I really think it confuses them.

I proud of the way you handled it. It's all about you girlfriend!!

justired

Hi Gracey,

It doesn't sound like your heart is turning cold. Just sounds like you are taking care of yourself (and your kids) and recognizing your feelings instead of worrying about his all the time. Sounds a lot like my AH. It is almost like he expects me to be more like his parent than his wife. For goodness sake, he is an adult and I've already got three kids that need me to be their mommy. I'm with you, I enjoy the time when he is not home. Sounds like progress to me.

justired

Peaches04

HI Gracey...you are not turning cold at all...you are turning your warm affection where it is required and will do the most value - to you and your children. Now that you mention that in your post...I see alot of that in my AH too. It's like when he empties the dishwasher or mows the lawn, he wants praise...I too, feel like you. In my mind, I'm like - I do that everyday, what's the big deal? I've never really paid to much attention to that until I read your post - but, you are exactly right. Every little thing they do they expect kudos! for...maybe it's just part of them being immature becuase of the drinking? Anyway, you are doing great...and I admire you. You are absolutely one of the least cold people I know (well, kinda know

New Day

Your not turning cold, you are just getting better at taking care of yourself. I think that is the codependence raising it's ugly head, saying..forget about you, you need to take care of everyone else and buy into their issues.

I use to spend so much time wanting to figure out why....and now I am starting get that the why does not matter. It's not what they say that is important, it is what they communicate by their actions. Just because you say you are trying and your actions are not backing that up you have to stop and wonder...

I have made the choice to stop :banghead: and focus on me, trust in God, and move in the direction that my recovery is telling me. I am working on not responding to him and getting sucked back into the Quack, Quack, Quack.

It is hard, because I fear, no wait-I know-it will get worse before it get's better. Generally, my experience in the past has been when I start setting firmer, but reasonable, boundaries the initial response is not welcoming or acceptance from my husband...the quacking starts up faster and more furious than ever. I need help on remaining strong and not caving in!

Keep up the great work!

Gracey

He wants me to get mad........but lastnight I figured why should I get mad.......why should I worry about where he is and what he is doing......I had three kids at home that I could have fun with.......so instead of focusing on what he was doing I would pay attention to my kids......I would normally have spent so much time calling him, and getting angry that I would have been to frustrated with him and not been able to spend such good quality time with my kids..........and I turned that energy I had focusing on me and my kids.........thinking about him would have made me crazy anyway......and by the time he did arrive home.....I would have worked myself up so much by that time that I normally would have argued with him and told him how insensitive he was towards my feelings........

But instead I threw him off by not focusing on what he was doing.....and did my own thing with my kids.......and it saved a whole lot of negative energy and I alot of positive energy to three kids who deserved positive things from their mom.....they enjoyed the not so crazy mom.....and we laughed and had fun......

He tried to make me feel guilty because the focus wasnt on him and I put it on my kids and myself......

Didnt work.......but you are so right he wanted to suck me in to his quacking and bring back the co-dependence person that I am

ASpouse

I have a feeling Gracey if you continue doing as you are doing, you will become the center of Bree's world ...... which is as it should be. She seems like a smart little girl and she'll figure things out on her own. Children learn by example and you are setting a fine example for her. Keep up the good work, you've come a long way in a short period of time.

Dee at Mt Bully

Good for you Gracey! I can learn alot from you. Even when I try not to get angry
I have a hard time keeping it together. My AH feels better if he makes me angry
then he can shift the attention to me and make me the bad guy instead of himself'

Lorelai

(((Gracey)))
I knew you could do it. You go, girl.
L

Bambi

Gracey good for you!!!!!!!!! Way to go!!!! I admire how you dealt with that situation so great.

brightlight

I have a feeling my husband wants me mad too and that it gives him an excuse to drink. He said tonight that he only stayed at the bar and drank the second pitcher of beer because I called and yelled at him. I started to talk and he said go ahead and try to turn it around and said that I couldn't because it was my fault. I said, but I can turn it around. I looked at the bank account on line and you bought two pitchers of beer and not one, so you did not plan on coming right home. I hope I can get to where you are and just ignore him and enjoy my kids. I think I can. I have noticed when I am thinking of them and concentrating on them that my stomach does not hurt. The minute I start thinking of him and what if and what is next, then my stomach hurts. I have got where I have pushed myself too far. I think he wants to quit and that helps because I know he is not planning on leaving us. It is not that he wants to really do this, so if he wants to quit he may try. I know what has to be done.

SJW

You know, Brightlight, I think you're right. They want us to be mad at them because they try to turn things around and blame us for their drinking. And when we don't react as they expect us to, they are sometimes confused. And the good thing is, we get to choose how we respond to them. That ought to keep them guessing, huh?

I have spent many years reacting to his drinking. I just figured out fairly recently that I was choosing to do that. I was handing over my power to him by reacting to his drinking. When I realized that I was responsible for my own feelings, I decided to respond differently. I still got mad at him, initially, but I didn't let him know that. I would recognize the anger I was feeling, take a deep breath, and decide that I could either seethe and be mad, or I could choose to respond differently. I feel a whole lot better when I choose NOT to be mad. Who does that hurt in the end? Not him, he's off drinking and doing what he wants to. He won't even think of what I'm feeling until he gets home and has to deal with me. In the meantime, I used to choose to get mad and storm and rant and rave around here, and he didn't even know it! So it certainly wasn't affecting him - it was just hurting me. Why would I deliberately choose to hurt myself? But that's what I was doing. And I still do it sometimes, but not nearly as often. It takes practice and effort.

If my anger could have cured a single alcoholic then there wouldn't be any alcoholics in the universe! But it didn't, so I decided not to give away my life to it.

Well, enough rambling. Eventually we get tired of beating our heads against a wall, and we quit. Gracey and all of us do the best we can. That's all we can ask of ourselves.

SJW