Stacie1987

Hello! Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am struggling a bit lately with the fact that my husband who has been actively abusing alcohol off and on for eight years (well...I can think of some brief times before that), told his therapist that he thinks I am incapable of change and so therefore, we should probably divorce. This really hurt me as I have been at the table for eight years waiting to do marriage counseling once he got sober. (several months)...Anyways, his alcoholism really crescendoed when our daughter was diagnosed 8 years ago with an incurable illness. He turned a bottle up that night. He will say that he had never abused alcohol before that, but I find it odd that you get this terrible news and you head straight to the bar and guzzle. Anyways, it has been any detoxes and two 90 day rehabs in 8 years with the longest sobriety of 2.5 years (or at least that is what he says.) I could make a long list of he did this and he did that..but no need. My question is this...my daughter and I tend to butt heads. I mean we can really go at it. I try so hard not to. But she tries to manipulate me, etc. and I just feel my husband does not have my back. ( I am not always right...I know that.)...but for heaven's sake...sometimes enough is enough. I know my husband doesn't like us fussing...but lately she is on Keppra which can cause mood swings and god only knows what her brain tumors are doing. She got sick and then he got sick and it just has been a lot trying to keep the boat afloat. Well...anyways, he now says he wants a divorce...has his family convinced that I am the source of his problems. I don't think I am that terrible of a person. He told me the divorce isn't either of our faults...seriously???? I don't know..I feel like I discovered he was an alcoholic 7 years ago...tried my best to educate myself about the disease. went to two family programs, attend Alanon and I get in a fuss with my daughter about once every few months and therefore I am a hopeless case. As we work through mediation he is being very short in his replies to me. The whole thing is confusing as hell because when we had our home on the lake, he didn't want to mow the lawn or help with it because he said I wanted the big yard. Now that I am in a rental he says he will help mow...Just confusing as all...Any thoughts? Like I said, I am really struggling with the fact that he wants a divorce and we never even got to go to marriage counseling (oh...we went three times...but he was drinking...even though he said he wasn't at the time.)

Nata1980

Hi there! Sorry you are hurting and feeling rejected. If it helps at all - I divorced my qualifier, and he goes out of his way in his attempts to make me feel unwelcome unloved and unwanted. He finally stopped screaming about all my imaginary mental illnesses. I am well established, well respected, fully functional individual. That is what addicts do. Too bad it no longer works for him

Please remember that this is the person who decided to deal with news of daughters illness by drinking, creating more problems for everyone. This is the person who does not have your back, and who appears to be very selfish.

What does he bring to the table? Can you count on him? How does he contribute to your family? What is in it for you? It may be hard to hear - but it may be all for the best. It is just hard to see after being through years of insanity.

Hugs to you

Stacie1987

Thank you for your reply. I meant to add that when he said that I am incapable of change (although I am the only person in the family who consistently attends therapy, Alanon), he also said that staying married to me tgreatens his sobriety. That was really hurtful. I have tried to do the right things, listened to the rehabs, alanon, etc. But I have this row.with my daughter and now I am incapable of change. I guess Alanons arent allowed a slip. Geez. I forgave sooooo much with him. Unbelievable.

FallenAngelina

Why do you want to stay married to him?

SparkleKitty

The only thing threatening his sobriety is his alcoholism. But it doesn't sound like he is ready to accept that yet and would rather blame you for his problems than buckle down into real recovery. The question is, can *you* accept that this where he is at right now?

involved

Stacie-I know that for me, I am triggered when my qualifier says he "doesn't trust me "and that " I am controlling him"... but I also know the real truth and his denial are really that he has trust issues and doesn't respect boundries...it really is more about him than me! Keep working your program and take care of you...don't take his stuff personally! Sorry you have to deal with this stuff ((hug))

LexieCat

The others are right, nothing YOU do is threatening his sobriety. Apparently he is unable to cope with LIFE, and that's not your problem, it's his.

I always think it's a mistake to try to hold onto anyone who wants to leave, regardless of the reason. Yes, it sucks to be left, but at this point, your best chance for a happy life is to find a good lawyer so you and your daughter can have a secure future, and continue to work your Al-Anon program so that future is not only secure but happy.

I'm not trying to dismiss your pain, but this is where acceptance is your best friend. The situation is what it is--how do YOU respond to it? That's what YOUR recovery will get you through.

Stacie1987

Thank you for your responses. I think the thing that bothers me more than the divorce (it was inevitable if we could not do counseling and he did not get into long term recovery) is the fact that he uses my struggle with my daughter as something that threatens his sobriety. His family cannot see that if it wasnt that, it would be something else. What hurts is being made a scapegoat. But I am a survivor. Ill be OK.

Stacie1987

I truly dont want to be married to him now, I am mourning a loss. You know, what I thought our future could have been, etc. Our sick daughter certainly deserved better and truth be told I was trying to save her from more pain and yet another loss. I know that the environment needed to be better. Thus why I asked him to move out a year and a half ago. I just feel that I gave him 7 seven years of support, but he has an issue with me and I dont get a ch ance to respond or truly work on it. It feels unloveable and unforgiveable. And I know I am loveable and forgiveable, but that is how it feels. Oh well..life goes on!

Jo2017

Stacie, I can relate to being the scapegoat. It's definitely a common theme of an alcoholic relationship & they are very good at making us accept that blame. As hard as it is, you have to go back to the 3 C's of Alanon, you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. This also goes for his family. I understand not wanting them to think badly of you, but you really can't control that either and as harsh as it sounds, it really doesn't matter that much. They are his family and typically will be on his side when push comes to shove. Sending prayers for you--keep going to Alanon!

atalose

Just like we cannot make the alcoholic see or understand their issues, we cannot make anyone else either. And besides it’s a big old waste of our energy and emotions to attempt to.

I know you want validation but it’s probably never going to come from the alcoholics family. That is where we need our al-anon friends, our SR friends and those close to us who do fully get it.

I am sorry for all that you are going through but glad you reached out and it’s good to see you are going to al-anon. How about therapy?

firebolt

I just want to send you big hugs - you have a lot on your plate.

My dad was on Keppra for his brain tumor, and we definitely dealt with some crazy mood swings with him - and he was always such a happy go luck guy before that. They counteracted it with antidepressants, and it helped some for sure.

Big hugs for the rest of it with your husband too....they call alcoholism a selfish disease, and it truly, truly is.

SaveYourHeart

Sending hugs, it never feels good to be pushed away like that, but you will find peace without him. Stay strong girlfriend <3

AnvilheadII

i imagine that having the emotional midget alcoholic OUT of the home environment will help smooth things out between you and your daughter. it's like trying to sleep when someone is jackhammering up cement outside your window.

you are going thru a kaleidoscope of emotions, that's ok, in fact it's necessary.....just don't dwell in any one "place" too long. he sounds like he just isn't cut out for grown up stuff. and of course could not possibly accept any "blame" for how his choices and actions might have affected others.

i am glad that you already have a strong program and support system.

hopeful4

It's actually pretty classic.

I don't know of a single addict, regardless of what they are addicted to, that own up to it and just say yes, it's my fault. They deflect, they blame others. And that is hurtful. Just because he says it does not make it true. What you have to work on is not letting what he or his family say affect you. It will take time, but once that happens, life gets a lot easier.

Big hugs.

Stacie1987

I want ro thank everyone who took time to reply. I am feeling much more empowered today. I have been affected by this disease, but I am working on me and moving forward. When I got married 30 years ago, I took my viws to heart, you know tge "for better or for worse part", and I did give it a good go. Probably too long, but I didnt know what I didnt know. Detaching now with love.

hopeful4

I too took my vows for what I thought was life. Took them seriously. Stayed for many many years.

However, it takes two to be in a stable marriage. You cannot change how someone acts, only how you react.

You sound strong.

NYCDoglvr

Alanon helped a great deal in my ability to stop reacting to the negative emotions in others. It's a process and doesn't happen overnight, but change is possible. I strongly recommend it.

HURTINGDINA

Been awhile. Hi to all!

This hit home.

Hubby left me after 6 mos sober (misnomer).

Also said staying married to me would cause him to relapse
So mean to say after being together 27 years.

21 st anniv. this month. It blows, it's painful, unfair etc etc.

Should I have been surprised, since he blamed me for everything while married. Still I was blindsided. Hit the 5 month separation point now.
Still sucks, but it is lessening. Pretty bitter and angry now. Loneliness has taken the place of me obsessing on his drinking. I guess it has to run it's unpleasant course.

I am sending you hugs and reminding you that a toxic relationship can do nothing but cause continued pain.

We are caring, we are nurturing and those are fantastic qualities, not weaknesses. We just need to love ourselves. We are worth it!