I'm scared to death
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 132
I'm scared to death
I googled Recovery and this site popped up.
I'm here because I want a sober life I just don't know how to do it.
I'm an alcoholic and addicted to cocaine.
I drink and use almost everyday.
Other than work, I have isolated myself to stay home, drink and do coke.
I'm horribly miserable and disgusted at the person I have become.
I feel motivated at times and then forget why I want to quit, make excuses, reward myself with drinking and drugs.
It's not fun anymore but I don't remember that before I have that first beer or do that first line.
I quit smoking 17 years ago with the help of an online quit forum and the support I found there.
So, here I am.
I want a sober life more than anything, until I want a beer or cocaine more.
I want to be me again. I want my life back.
I'm here because I want a sober life I just don't know how to do it.
I'm an alcoholic and addicted to cocaine.
I drink and use almost everyday.
Other than work, I have isolated myself to stay home, drink and do coke.
I'm horribly miserable and disgusted at the person I have become.
I feel motivated at times and then forget why I want to quit, make excuses, reward myself with drinking and drugs.
It's not fun anymore but I don't remember that before I have that first beer or do that first line.
I quit smoking 17 years ago with the help of an online quit forum and the support I found there.
So, here I am.
I want a sober life more than anything, until I want a beer or cocaine more.
I want to be me again. I want my life back.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Feel,
Everything some need to stay quit is here.
Wanting to quit is half the battle.
Staying quit and content is the rest.
Some need additional resources i.e. AA, meds, detox support etc.
Others will offer help.
Read and ask questions.
Thanks.
Everything some need to stay quit is here.
Wanting to quit is half the battle.
Staying quit and content is the rest.
Some need additional resources i.e. AA, meds, detox support etc.
Others will offer help.
Read and ask questions.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
There's a good CA meeting in Athens, GA.
And this is a great website for Sobriety ... Alcohol & C & ....
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... it took some hard work to get here ... but it is soooo worth it
And this is a great website for Sobriety ... Alcohol & C & ....
RDBplus3 ... Happy, Joyous and FREE ... it took some hard work to get here ... but it is soooo worth it
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
Welcome, Feeling Lost. I think being here, reading & posting will help. You're not alone anymore, that's for sure.
I'm glad you've taken a hard look at what drinking has done to your life. I drank 30 yrs. & never intended to become completely dependent on it. What was once a relaxing escape became a necessity. As you said, it isn't even fun anymore. I was just so afraid to let go of it - but I still don't know why. After a period of adjustment to our new life - we can begin to rebuild what we've destroyed & neglected. Stay with us and keep posting as much as you want - we care about you.
I'm glad you've taken a hard look at what drinking has done to your life. I drank 30 yrs. & never intended to become completely dependent on it. What was once a relaxing escape became a necessity. As you said, it isn't even fun anymore. I was just so afraid to let go of it - but I still don't know why. After a period of adjustment to our new life - we can begin to rebuild what we've destroyed & neglected. Stay with us and keep posting as much as you want - we care about you.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,760
Welcome to the family. 
Our beloved CarolD used to say that in order to stay sober, you had to want to be sober more than you want to drink. I know that sounds simplistic, but it is pretty simple. If you can do that, you'll be able to stay sober. I'd also suggest practicing gratitude to help in your desire to live sober. Early in my recovery I wasn't feeling too wonderful and it was suggested that I start counting my blessings.
Just being thankful has changed my life for the better, and has made me realize how much I can lose if I drink again. So my desire to stay sober is greater than anything else.
We even have a Gratitude forum here. You can post in one of the threads or start your own.
Our beloved CarolD used to say that in order to stay sober, you had to want to be sober more than you want to drink. I know that sounds simplistic, but it is pretty simple. If you can do that, you'll be able to stay sober. I'd also suggest practicing gratitude to help in your desire to live sober. Early in my recovery I wasn't feeling too wonderful and it was suggested that I start counting my blessings.Just being thankful has changed my life for the better, and has made me realize how much I can lose if I drink again. So my desire to stay sober is greater than anything else.
We even have a Gratitude forum here. You can post in one of the threads or start your own.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,476
I think that you will be able to quit drinking and drugs, if you have the motivation to do so. It's not easy, but you will be able to do it. I hope you continue to use SR as a tool to help with your recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 132
Thank you everyone.
I haven't quit yet and yet I'm sitting here disgusted by it all.
Trying to rationalize why I still have beer and drugs in the house.
Telling myself, after this case and bag, I will be done.
When I quit smoking I stopped one day and just threw a half carton away and never smoked again, after 20 years of smoking.
It was so hard at first. I remember the struggle, the tears, the hopelessness that life would never be the same without smoking.
My mantra became "Just don't smoke" and I never did again.
That was 17 years ago.
I want that mindset again.
I'm so effing ready, but apparently not bad enough
I haven't quit yet and yet I'm sitting here disgusted by it all.
Trying to rationalize why I still have beer and drugs in the house.
Telling myself, after this case and bag, I will be done.
When I quit smoking I stopped one day and just threw a half carton away and never smoked again, after 20 years of smoking.
It was so hard at first. I remember the struggle, the tears, the hopelessness that life would never be the same without smoking.
My mantra became "Just don't smoke" and I never did again.
That was 17 years ago.
I want that mindset again.
I'm so effing ready, but apparently not bad enough
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Hi FeelingL0st and welcome
I think, for some of us, it might take a little more than being ready - we need support as well to get us started and keep us going.
Some use AA/NA, others use SMART Recovery, or LifeRing, some use Rational Recovery. I'd recommend you Google any of those you're unfamiliar with
Some, like me, just use this site.
I was definitely ready to quit but I had no confidence in myself being able to quit.
The support I found here at SR gave me the courage to stop drinking and then change my life to better reflect my decision to be sober.
I changed some friends, the way I relaxed, the way I solved problems....
It wasn't easy - but then neither was drinking all day every day.
Change really is possible
D
I think, for some of us, it might take a little more than being ready - we need support as well to get us started and keep us going.
Some use AA/NA, others use SMART Recovery, or LifeRing, some use Rational Recovery. I'd recommend you Google any of those you're unfamiliar with
Some, like me, just use this site.
I was definitely ready to quit but I had no confidence in myself being able to quit.
The support I found here at SR gave me the courage to stop drinking and then change my life to better reflect my decision to be sober.
I changed some friends, the way I relaxed, the way I solved problems....
It wasn't easy - but then neither was drinking all day every day.
Change really is possible
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 132
I just dumped 18 beers down the sink and $200 worth of cocaine down there as well.
I haven't had a sober day in over a year.
If I'm going to do this, I have to just do it.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring.
I have a graduation party on Saturday and have never gone out without drinking.
I'm shaking already.
Did I jump the gun?
I don't know, but the thought occurred to me that if I'm going to live a sober life, I have to do it. Now. Right this moment.
Dear God, I'm so scared
I haven't had a sober day in over a year.
If I'm going to do this, I have to just do it.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring.
I have a graduation party on Saturday and have never gone out without drinking.
I'm shaking already.
Did I jump the gun?
I don't know, but the thought occurred to me that if I'm going to live a sober life, I have to do it. Now. Right this moment.
Dear God, I'm so scared
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Posts: 3,777
Do you think that a rehabilitation facility would help you?
There are many methods to getting sober that Dee has mentioned. Take one of them and go full speed ahead. You can have a life free from alcohol and cocaine.
Keep posting and stay close to SR. We are here for you.
There are many methods to getting sober that Dee has mentioned. Take one of them and go full speed ahead. You can have a life free from alcohol and cocaine.
Keep posting and stay close to SR. We are here for you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Your fears may be exacerbated by the drugs and alcohol. If you can remain strong and get 8-10 days under your belt I think you will feel that fear subside. Alcohol causes severe anxiety and coke makes you paranoid so it doesn't surprise me you are scared.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: London
Posts: 2,040
Originally Posted by FeelingL0st 
I just dumped 18 beers down the sink and $200 worth of cocaine down there as well.
I haven't had a sober day in over a year.
If I'm going to do this, I have to just do it.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring.
I have a graduation party on Saturday and have never gone out without drinking.
I'm shaking already.
Did I jump the gun?
I don't know, but the thought occurred to me that if I'm going to live a sober life, I have to do it. Now. Right this moment.
Dear God, I'm so scared
I haven't had a sober day in over a year.
If I'm going to do this, I have to just do it.
I don't know what tomorrow will bring.
I have a graduation party on Saturday and have never gone out without drinking.
I'm shaking already.
Did I jump the gun?
I don't know, but the thought occurred to me that if I'm going to live a sober life, I have to do it. Now. Right this moment.
Dear God, I'm so scared
A number of suggestions have been made about the support you can access such as meetings and of course you've already found SR. I am on day 15 of a 30 day audio book/book programme (comes with a companion website) called the 30 Day Sobriety Solution...you can search it online...might be worth looking into. You read/listen to a chapter a day and have daily action steps to complete.
Wishing you well on your recovery journey x
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 132
I'm sorry for not following up here on this post.
I'm still navigating the site.
I have posted in the June bugs thread( or the thread for those of us who quit in June)
For all who asked, I am 5 days clean today!
I made it to the graduation party, an hour away, socialized, ate and left after an hour because people were drinking and I didn't want to allow myself to start rationalizing having just 1.
I drove home the back way, no worries about cops around the corner or behind me. I literally had the windows down, the radio on high, and enjoyed driving like I used to before there was a cooler constantly in my backseat every single day.
I am sleeping better, last night was a toss and turn night, and I woke up anxious and worried. In the past I would do a line in the morning and things would turn all sunshiny and bright for an hour or so.
I didn't have that this morning, so I struggled through and before long, I felt the anxiety go away...
I am reading, reading, reading, here.
Absorbing every suggestion those with long clean times are offering and even those who just quit today. It all helps.
I am thinking about attending AA meetings. I'm not 100% sure, but I know I have to change the people I hang out with and it's hard to find like minded people sitting at home.
Thank you for thinking of me and asking about me.
I can't tell you how how grateful I am for this site and my one very dear friend who I have shared everything with and who does not struggle with addiction but is so supportive and non judgemental. He is a blessing as are you guys.
I am also trying to find my way back to being spiritual. Not sure what that means, but I feel I need and want to.
Well, you asked for an update and here is your novel.
Day 5 feels fabulous.
I'm still navigating the site.
I have posted in the June bugs thread( or the thread for those of us who quit in June)
For all who asked, I am 5 days clean today!
I made it to the graduation party, an hour away, socialized, ate and left after an hour because people were drinking and I didn't want to allow myself to start rationalizing having just 1.
I drove home the back way, no worries about cops around the corner or behind me. I literally had the windows down, the radio on high, and enjoyed driving like I used to before there was a cooler constantly in my backseat every single day.
I am sleeping better, last night was a toss and turn night, and I woke up anxious and worried. In the past I would do a line in the morning and things would turn all sunshiny and bright for an hour or so.
I didn't have that this morning, so I struggled through and before long, I felt the anxiety go away...
I am reading, reading, reading, here.
Absorbing every suggestion those with long clean times are offering and even those who just quit today. It all helps.
I am thinking about attending AA meetings. I'm not 100% sure, but I know I have to change the people I hang out with and it's hard to find like minded people sitting at home.
Thank you for thinking of me and asking about me.
I can't tell you how how grateful I am for this site and my one very dear friend who I have shared everything with and who does not struggle with addiction but is so supportive and non judgemental. He is a blessing as are you guys.
I am also trying to find my way back to being spiritual. Not sure what that means, but I feel I need and want to.
Well, you asked for an update and here is your novel.
Day 5 feels fabulous.
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