LastingChange

In responding to a thread on the newcomer forum earlier, I got to thinking about just how warped my abuse of alcohol has been. I have been using it to quell the boredom and the stresses of life, to numb the insecurities I have about myself. Yet, in actual fact, alcohol has done nothing but exasperate and worsen these things, stripping me of the ability to relax and enjoy social occasions and hobbies appropriately, increasing my stress and anxiety, hindering my progress in the gym and with weight loss, aggravating my eating disordered thoughts and negative body image and stealing time for being drunk and hungover, meaning I spend my life trying to frantically catch up on things I would otherwise have perfectly organised (I am an incredibly organised, responsible and considerate person when sober - an entirely different story when hungover and depressed, crushed with guilt and shame, or when drunk and acting like an out of control *******).

There are so many things I used to love doing, hobbies, simply spending time with friends, and over the past 10 years, this has diminished at an inversely proportionate rate to my drinking. I have become so dependent on alcohol for escapism, yet it is this dependency and all the negative effects that are burdening me with the shame and negativity, the inability to enjoy life's authentic pleasures, which is causing the need to escape.

I vow to stick to my plan for long term sobriety once and for all.

I will appreciate my wonderful husband and our wonderful life together every day
I will meditate and practise yoga
I will eat well and exercise
I will continue to see my psychotherapist and work through my issues
I will arrange and attend social outings with friends and family that do not involve or at least revolve around alcohol
I will volunteer for a charity and help others
I will change my career and work at a job I love and chase positivity
I will place no value on materialism

This post has been more of a reinforcement to myself, or a soliloquy of sorts, rather than anything, but I feel in these early days (Day 4 for me today) that I need to publicly make myself accountable and I would really appreciate any encouragement or guidance from anyone who can relate.

Many thanks.

Dee74

It took me a while for a certain darkness to leave me, even after I stopped drinking...but it did, and I began to experience joy and happiness again - real joy and real happiness - not simply oblivion and the temporary absence of angst.

You are definitely on the right track LC

D

SnazzyDresser

Great post, LastingChange! Alcohol definitely took a lot from me over the years; it's great to be reclaiming my self again.

kenton

Hi Lastingchange, you sound exactly like me 7 months ago. Although I don't think I could have expressed it anywhere near as eloquently as you on my day 4.

Not sure why but 7 months ago I woke up after yet another blackout and decided enough was enough. Like you, I started to think about all the things alcohol had taken from me (very long list) and all the things it had given (non existent list). I haven't touched a drop of alcohol since and I have no desire to. It's like I see alcohol for what it truly is. And because of this I know I can never be complacent. Addiction is such a clever opponent. If I let my defences down, it will take over my life. I know that for certain.

But it is possible to beat addiction. People are doing it every day. I read loads of positives in your post. You sound like someone who sees alcohol in all its horrific glory and is determined to escape it's clutches. I'm not going to lie... there's been tough days in the last 7 months. But nowhere near as tough as all the drinking days centred around shame, regret and oblivion. You are definitely on the right path LastingChange. Now just got to walk it. Great thing is, you don't have to walk it on your own. It's a well trodden path and there's loads of us walking it with you. Good luck

LastingChange

Dee74, SnazzyDresser and Kenton - thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement. I feel something very different this time - having the support of a community who understands the struggle and is seeking to achieve the same freedom and regain control of their lives, to rebuild the ability to take enjoyment and pleasure from positive sources, is already giving me new resolve and determination to make this a long term life change, not a temporary recompense simply to alleviate feelings of guilt from my last binge.

I'm realising that this is something that is an active process and needs to be practised every day. I am a believer in positive psychology, and one of the tenets of this field suggests that the power of pull is much greater than push in effecting lasting change. That is to say, that when we focus on negatives that we wish to distance ourselves from, such as the damaging effects of drinking, this often only takes us so far. Eventually, the intensity of the desire to avoid the behaviour wares thin as the memory dissipates, and we revert to our old habits. Conversely, with pull focus, that is to say, placing our focus on the positives that we wish to achieve to draw us forward, rather than looking back at that from which we want to get away, has a much more conviction and longevity as it reinforces the change consistently.

This is how I plan to approach sobriety from this point onwards. Moving towards the wonderful positives a sober life has to offer, and not simply dwelling on the negatives of drinking - because previously when I have used the latter approach, once the negative cognition of guilt and shame had dissipated from my last bender, it is then the little voice began to coerce me into thinking I could handle one or two, or that it wasn't that bad, or any number of other hollow, damaging thoughts that lead me back to square one.

Thank you all once again for your support and sharing your experiences.

Also, huge congratulations on 7 months - what an achievement :-)

Awake61

yes, watch out for the little voice! Thank you for the inspiring posts.

Nonsensical

BINGO!
You_Rock_