coming back to these boards
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 1
coming back to these boards
Hello. About ten or so years ago I was a member here. I was more of a lurker than a poster in honesty. My name then was booklover, but I don't remember the password or have the email any longer. I started a new account as booklover2.
Back then, my husband was actively using and then later in recovery. His doc was meth and alcohol mostly. He also cheated on me numerous times while using and in recovery. Back then we had young children. He was able to get sober and for about nine years, he stayed sober and was a different person. Also, I worked to get a handle on my co-dependency. For a long time, things were good.
Over the last few years, our marriage has been shaky. He has been a very unhappy person. About six months ago...my husband started using marijuana. He started using it once a day at first. He said it was for medicinal reasons to help with his depression and (self-diagnosed) PTSD. Marijuana is not legal in our state so this was a decision he made on his own, not with a doctor. I was against this for many reasons. I hate being around people who are high, and I feared him using drugs in any way would send us right back to our old patterns. I also feared he would become dependent on it. Also, I didn't want it in our home as we have teenagers. Not surprisingly for an addict, he started using it in our house multiple times per day, began lying about it, coming home high, acting high around our children, and finally becoming 100% dependent on using it. He says he refuses to ever stop. He says this is who he is now and marijuana is an important part of his life.
This has exacerbated all of the problems that were already an issue in our marriage: lack of intimacy and his erratic behavior (mood swings, outbursts, and sleep issues).
I feel like I am starting over at square one. I find myself incapable of doing the things I need to do for the welfare of myself and my children because I keep putting his needs first.
Through therapy I have begun to believe that the best thing I could do for myself and my children is to make him leave or leave myself, but I am apparently incapable of following through. I seem to always come back to worrying about his mental state instead of ours. Even if I do make him leave, I realize I am still sick regardless.
I am clearly still co-dependent. Damn. I thought I was all cured! Ha ha. I am here to try to learn how to break the patterns of being a codependent in a relationship with an addict. This site was enormously helpful to me ten years ago. I am seeking some of that solace, help, and camaraderie again. Thanks.
Back then, my husband was actively using and then later in recovery. His doc was meth and alcohol mostly. He also cheated on me numerous times while using and in recovery. Back then we had young children. He was able to get sober and for about nine years, he stayed sober and was a different person. Also, I worked to get a handle on my co-dependency. For a long time, things were good.
Over the last few years, our marriage has been shaky. He has been a very unhappy person. About six months ago...my husband started using marijuana. He started using it once a day at first. He said it was for medicinal reasons to help with his depression and (self-diagnosed) PTSD. Marijuana is not legal in our state so this was a decision he made on his own, not with a doctor. I was against this for many reasons. I hate being around people who are high, and I feared him using drugs in any way would send us right back to our old patterns. I also feared he would become dependent on it. Also, I didn't want it in our home as we have teenagers. Not surprisingly for an addict, he started using it in our house multiple times per day, began lying about it, coming home high, acting high around our children, and finally becoming 100% dependent on using it. He says he refuses to ever stop. He says this is who he is now and marijuana is an important part of his life.
This has exacerbated all of the problems that were already an issue in our marriage: lack of intimacy and his erratic behavior (mood swings, outbursts, and sleep issues).
I feel like I am starting over at square one. I find myself incapable of doing the things I need to do for the welfare of myself and my children because I keep putting his needs first.
Through therapy I have begun to believe that the best thing I could do for myself and my children is to make him leave or leave myself, but I am apparently incapable of following through. I seem to always come back to worrying about his mental state instead of ours. Even if I do make him leave, I realize I am still sick regardless.
I am clearly still co-dependent. Damn. I thought I was all cured! Ha ha. I am here to try to learn how to break the patterns of being a codependent in a relationship with an addict. This site was enormously helpful to me ten years ago. I am seeking some of that solace, help, and camaraderie again. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 328
booklover,
I'm glad you are here! My husband is a recovering alcoholic and my son is addicted to marijuana. I hate addiction. In this day and time, with so many states legalizing it, I think it's easy for our qualifiers to tell themselves it is ok. It's not. I hate it! I see all the addict behaviors that would go along any other drug.
You mentioned therapy but do you attend Al-Anon? That would be a great help to you also. My home group is my lifeline.
I'm glad you are here! My husband is a recovering alcoholic and my son is addicted to marijuana. I hate addiction. In this day and time, with so many states legalizing it, I think it's easy for our qualifiers to tell themselves it is ok. It's not. I hate it! I see all the addict behaviors that would go along any other drug.
You mentioned therapy but do you attend Al-Anon? That would be a great help to you also. My home group is my lifeline.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Hiya Booklover, I certainly do remember you and am sorry for the reasons but glad you came back here for support and understanding because you KNOW we understand the pain you are going through.
I understand your hesitation to leave, last time it was bad but got better for a long time. Your life became livable and comfortable again and after all that time it would be easy to feel that "happy ever after" would be the outcome of it all.
I don't think it is terribly codependent that you struggle now, you have the clarity to see and understand what is happening, your children are older and at a different time of their lives (and yes, this must be terrible for them too), and although it's the same problem, the dynamics have changed and it's wise to take time and decide what the healthy thing to do will be.
As is often said here, "doing nothing is an action". It can be a time of finding your balance again before making any life changing decisions. You are wiser today, you know the drill, and I have no doubt that the answers you seek will make themselves known as you process your options and rethink your life.
I hate how addiction hurts the entire family, it's a disease that brings pain to all who surround it.
Welcome home, it's good to see an old friend.
Hugs
I understand your hesitation to leave, last time it was bad but got better for a long time. Your life became livable and comfortable again and after all that time it would be easy to feel that "happy ever after" would be the outcome of it all.
I don't think it is terribly codependent that you struggle now, you have the clarity to see and understand what is happening, your children are older and at a different time of their lives (and yes, this must be terrible for them too), and although it's the same problem, the dynamics have changed and it's wise to take time and decide what the healthy thing to do will be.
As is often said here, "doing nothing is an action". It can be a time of finding your balance again before making any life changing decisions. You are wiser today, you know the drill, and I have no doubt that the answers you seek will make themselves known as you process your options and rethink your life.
I hate how addiction hurts the entire family, it's a disease that brings pain to all who surround it.
Welcome home, it's good to see an old friend.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome back. I am sorry for what brings you here, but glad you are here!
Keep going to the therapist. Eventually you will have to make change, and the therapist will help you mentally get yourself there. If he refuses to change, and you refuse to live like this (wisely), there is only one person left to change, and that is you.
Keep going to the therapist. Eventually you will have to make change, and the therapist will help you mentally get yourself there. If he refuses to change, and you refuse to live like this (wisely), there is only one person left to change, and that is you.
<this is as close to a 'reading a book' smilie as i can find!!>
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