keepongoing1369

My ABF has been out of rehab for a couple of weeks now. He came out super positive and upbeat, and was very confused when I said I was not over how I was treated while he was struggling with using. "I didn't realize you were upset..."

I said I needed to take things slow and ease back into our relationship (we're long distance). We had a nice talk last Friday. I've sent him messages here and there, tried calling, but he rarely responds. So a few days ago I stopped altogether. I'm tired of investing energy into somebody who isn't giving back. He's polite when we talk, but is asking me what I need or being supportive of me such a bad thing to ask?

I know post-rehab is a fragile time. He was never outright mean to me but he stopped giving more than the bare minimum MONTHS ago. I'm trying to patient... I just wonder if he'll ever come to realize how hurtful is actions have been? And how supportive I've been through this whole process? I don't want to have to TELL him "you've hardly acted loving, caring, or even appreciate of me in months" but maybe I should? I know its a difficult time for him right now, I'm just wondering if he will ever come to considering the hurt I've gone through in this process...

SparkleKitty

As selfish as addiction is, recovery can be just as selfish. No one can say whether or not he will ever acknowledge or be able to acknowledge the consequences his drinking has had on your relationship. It's probably he is not capable of anything right now past not-drinking one day, hour, or moment at a time.

Right now, it sounds like this relationship is not living up to your bare minimum of what a relationship should be, and unfortunately, that's all the information you have to go on at the moment. Can you accept that he might never be the partner you wish he was? How long are you willing to wait to find out?

keepongoing1369

I guess I'm wondering, is it okay to bring these things up? Our relationship doesn't feel like much of a relationship at all right now... I don't want to end it all together. I'd rather see if things improve over time.

Is expressing dissatisfaction at this phase going to do more damage? Saying, I would like these things from you? Or is it still too early in the process ... should I just tend to myself for the time being and see if things improve?

SparkleKitty

You have the right to feel the way you feel and to express that, in ANY relationship, ever. What he chooses to do with that information is his business, so it's not helpful to think of things in terms of "doing damage."

I would, however, manage your expectations around his ability to hear and deal with it right now.

AnvilheadII

he stopped giving more than the bare minimum MONTHS ago

so nothing has really changed in that regard. rehab/sobriety isn't going to MAKE him into a better BF. he's just a sober version of the guy you knew before.

this is your life, and if you haven't been happy or satisfied in a long distance relationship for MONTHS now, it's not likely that you are likely TO be.

Maudcat

A wise person on this site oncesaid about addicts: "They can sober up, but that doesn't necessarily make them good relationship material. "
Maybe this is how your ABF is, sober or not.
You have the right to ask for what you want from him. You may no t get it, but certainly, ask.