RomanticTuring

So this is me. Going to AlAnon for almost two months now after year and half living with alcoholic now-exgf, we broke up about a month ago for good (I was the one who left).

Since broke up I went basically no contact, responding to her messages briefly, did not picked up a night calls (assuming she was indeed drunk), one last thing to deal with was we need to exchange last stuff after her moving out. First attempt to schedule the exchange I got just "I'm in rehab..." message, I responded but no answer. Then few days after that I got a message that she's back in the office and when can we meet. It will happen this week.

So basically I know I ended things, I'm now trying to take care about my needs and my recovery first - realizing my codependency, realizing my part of the insanity, realizing the alcoholism and stuff like that. That I can not fix her, but still. I'm interested in what happened to her, I guess I'd like to have some civil conversation, but I'm also anxious that we just exchange the stuff and that's the end of it.

I know I'd need to accept that the meetup might be really bad (like she would be drunk, abusive or sober and angry etc.) and there might be no talk, as much as my codependency want otherwise. I guess it's hard for me to let go completely. Perhaps realizing that it might be soon absolutely and finally over.

I guess I still have the crazy in me and I just want this to be already behind me...

BoxinRotz

Why are you meeting her again?

Maudcat

Hi, Romantic. Welcome.
Do you have to see her? Can you leave stuff at a mutually agreed upon place and call it a day? What stuff are you exchanging? Could you live without it?
This doesnt sound like a good idea to me. It sounds like you want to see her. What would be the point?
Peace.

RomanticTuring

We both agreed we'd swap this in person, something hers something mine, small stuff but nothing to toss away or leave somewhere. And I realize that this might be a mutual excuse on both sides to see each other...

To be truthful I do want to see her. Although I realize it is bad idea and there's not much point in this.

LeeJane

I would encourage you not to do this. It has red flags all over it. Look after yourself.

SparkleKitty

Why not wait until you feel readier for this meeting? Is there some kind of urgency to this exchange?

SeaOfSerenity

theres no reason to see each other. id suggest meeting a friend of hers instead.

most people may be able to do this after a break up but if youre both codependant more than likely its similar to a craving we get for another drink

Sasha1972

I second the suggestions that you do this through a third party (or use FedEx or the mail if there's no suitable third party). You already know that meeting in person has the potential to go badly and it's not a good idea, so why risk it just because of some stuff ?

I understand the desire for "civil conversation", but there will be plenty of time for that if/when the ex has a long period of sobriety behind her.

It gets easier as you go - the more time you spend not seeing her, the easier it will be to keep not seeing her.

Maudcat

Well, I understand the desire to see her, but that doesn't make it a good idea. Are you curious to see if she has cleaned up her act? Or do you need validation that breaking up was the right thing to do?
Here's the thing. Suppose she has gotten it together. Not much time has passed, so she will still be in early sobriety. Be aware of that.
And if the opposite is true, and she is still a hot mess, will that help you walk away?
Just a couple of things to consider.

AnvilheadII

I just want this to be already behind me

then find another way to exchange your stuff. you do not sound READY at all to meet this woman, you have way too many hopes of how it MIGHT go, how she MIGHT be, and that maybe.......just maybe it's not REALLY over over.

pretend you are the alcoholic and she is the alcohol. is it really a good idea to go to the bar to see if they ever found your sunglasses..........that you have done just fine with out having?

RomanticTuring

Thanks for all the suggestions and hints, as on the meetings, I take what I want and leave the rest.

Sadly no 3rd party to involve without causing some additional mess.

I gave it some time, went for the gym, cook myself a nice dinner and looked back at what my past month was. It was incredibly hard, but also it was awesome in a way. I felt pain, I felt lonely, but also I felt peace. And I realized what my month before that was. That she was just plain drunk nearly every single day with all the sh*t that comes with that, including my own craziness adding to the insanity. It is sad, but it's just how things were. And I feel - just a tiny tiny bit, but it's already there - that I deserve better. I deserve to be happy. And she deserves whatever it is she seeks.

Yes, I know I relapsed into my codie ways. Yes, she is my addiction. Yes, I wish she would be well. But that is not mine side of street to walk. Yes, I know that one month is still early sobriety for ME. And I knew there would be relapses. Yes, I realize that I'm in MY OWN recovery now and I should be selfish in a healthy way.

I will meet the challenge head on and I'll make sure to reread this thread several times on that day.

So, my future self, and don't you dare to f*ck up you got this!


Thanks gang

FallenAngelina

What would this mean for you?
What would a successful meet-up be?
What are your expectations of her and of yourself?

Maudcat

Rt, I was in a relationship years ago that just wasn't a good one. He was not a drinker, but he had quite the secret life, and was a liar and a cheater.
Well, it all spectacularly blew up and we broke up.
I heard that his other woman dumped him as well, and he was a mess.
Well, I wanted to see him. I made up an excuse for us to get together, something that I had left at his house and wanted back.
And yes, he was a mess.
Yes, I started seeing him again. We had a nice couple of weeks together. I was over the moon.
Of course, the other gf popped back into his life as well and...you can guess the rest.
I got dumped.
Again.
Should have left things alone.
As you say, take what you like and leave the rest.

atalose

My two cents.....

I think you are setting yourself up for either disappointment or future hurt and pain by having this meet up just 30 days after the break up.

I think you know in your heart that you want to hear her say, she is sorry, she is now a changed woman after rehab and that she plans on not drinking anymore and that she misses you and wants things to work out.

I think what your head knows is that, it's not possible that someone is a changed person in only 30 days. That rehab is never a cure, only an opportunity for her to learn about her disease and tools available to her to use should she chose to continue to not drink. That a codependent gets lost in the addiction, both the other persons as well as their own. That the trigger words for a codependent from the alcoholic are....I need you, I need your support, I need your help!

Head and heart are always in conflict during this short period of time.

The "stuff" that needs to be exchanged is the "excuse" that you NEED in order to see her again because if you have resolved that it is really over, you'd write your stuff off and you WOULD HAVE moved heaven and earth to find any other way to have already returned hers.

Cyranoak

Hey Buddy,

Been there, done that. Two things-- no contact is no contact and since you communicated with her you did not go no contact. The other thing-- romance is a synonym for codependancy-- it only exists in books, movies, and plays, and is absolutely the death of a codependent like me.

Do I do nice things for my wife? Yes, and she does nice things for me. The difference, finally, after many years is that it's simple human decency vs. me trying to be romantic so I can manipulate her or my feelings in some kind of Romeo and Juliet way-- don't forget, they both died.

Cyranoak

RomanticTuring

(in calm, perhaps little bit sad voice)

It went... well I guess. There are indeed happy endings - this time for both of us!

I got what I wanted. We did smalltalk. OK. She does not drink. OK. The new job is her therapy. OK. The rehab thing was a lie. OK. She's about to have a trip with friend of her's - also an addict. OK.

So, what I do expect of myself at this point? I take this as an excersise in futility. I know where all the above might lead, but at this point - not my problem anymore. It never was. I have my life to live. I'm in recovery, she might be one day - or not. I can just be happy that the shitstorm is indeed finally over, at least for me.

I take this relationship as a learning experience. And I can grow, forgive, process this somehow in the course of 12steps and I can move on towards greener pastures. I had two steps backwards now, and tomorrow I start walking forward again.

I read everything you wrote, thanks for your sharing.

Maudcat

Sounds good, RT. Glad you're doing okay.

firebolt

I'm glad you got some closure from it, and a lesson learned. Too many of us repeat the same mistakes, and hop into another relationship, with another addict...all the while failing to see that we are the common denominator.

I'm sure the meeting was bittersweet, but I hope it allows you to be able to fully let go, and keep moving forward! HUGS to you!

atalose

Nice! glad it is finally over for you and you seem to be in a healthy place moving forward. NICE!!