Maybe it takes ten years
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Maybe it takes ten years
I first started even being willing to consider there might be a problem after I got a DUI and was sentenced to AA, outpatient counseling and a scared-straight program.
But that didn't last long.
I had lots of evidence by then that I had a battle underway with addiction. I ignored the evidence. I rationalized it. I blew it off.
I began to get actually serious about acknowledging the problem about 7 years later. Lots more evidence had mounted. But still.... I found ways to rationalize that the previous 20+ years had just been an unfortunate mismanagement of my emotions and an irresponsible pattern of drinking and using drugs. I merely had to use them all more wisely.
I then got a degree MORE serious about a year or so later.... after my second DUI (technically my third, but I'd had one set of charges dropped due to a very good attorney, a lot of money and a technicality).
But even after that.... I only managed to stack up 5 months of sobriety before I launched into my worst-yet depths of alcohol addiction for a year and a half.
Finally.... about 10 years after I first even remotely considered the possibility of a problem, after many MANY more consequences and an infinite amount of greater evidence - I stood at the precipice of losing my life, my career, my family and my children.
That's what woke me up..... that's what was my light bulb moment.... that's when I finally decided to choose.
Once I CHOSE. Once I ADMITTED fully - to myself and to others - I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable; that's when sobriety began to take hold.
Once I CHOSE. Once I decided "I embrace sobriety and will do whatever it takes to build a sober life".... that's when it "stuck".
Once I CHOSE to build a life of sober, grateful, joyful abundance and depth.... once I ACTED EVERY DAY in support of that choice, made that choice again EVERY DAY..... once I consistently made choices and took actions that supported my sobriety and choices to steer away from anything that ran counter to that objective......
That's when it all came together.
That's when my life got better than I ever imagined.
That's when I got sober.
That's when I became honest, trustworthy, admirable, happy, blessed.
That's when my integrity was restored.
That's when I got healthy.
That's when I turned a corner into a place of growth, depth, presence and goodness in this cherished life.
So.... maybe it takes ten years. Maybe there's this big long journey one has to take to force one's awareness and one's choice and one's action.
OR
Maybe we can make that choice whenever we feel like it and maybe TODAY is the only day we have to make that choice.....
It's really up to you.
But that didn't last long.
I had lots of evidence by then that I had a battle underway with addiction. I ignored the evidence. I rationalized it. I blew it off.
I began to get actually serious about acknowledging the problem about 7 years later. Lots more evidence had mounted. But still.... I found ways to rationalize that the previous 20+ years had just been an unfortunate mismanagement of my emotions and an irresponsible pattern of drinking and using drugs. I merely had to use them all more wisely.
I then got a degree MORE serious about a year or so later.... after my second DUI (technically my third, but I'd had one set of charges dropped due to a very good attorney, a lot of money and a technicality).
But even after that.... I only managed to stack up 5 months of sobriety before I launched into my worst-yet depths of alcohol addiction for a year and a half.
Finally.... about 10 years after I first even remotely considered the possibility of a problem, after many MANY more consequences and an infinite amount of greater evidence - I stood at the precipice of losing my life, my career, my family and my children.
That's what woke me up..... that's what was my light bulb moment.... that's when I finally decided to choose.
Once I CHOSE. Once I ADMITTED fully - to myself and to others - I am powerless over alcohol and my life has become unmanageable; that's when sobriety began to take hold.
Once I CHOSE. Once I decided "I embrace sobriety and will do whatever it takes to build a sober life".... that's when it "stuck".
Once I CHOSE to build a life of sober, grateful, joyful abundance and depth.... once I ACTED EVERY DAY in support of that choice, made that choice again EVERY DAY..... once I consistently made choices and took actions that supported my sobriety and choices to steer away from anything that ran counter to that objective......
That's when it all came together.
That's when my life got better than I ever imagined.
That's when I got sober.
That's when I became honest, trustworthy, admirable, happy, blessed.
That's when my integrity was restored.
That's when I got healthy.
That's when I turned a corner into a place of growth, depth, presence and goodness in this cherished life.
So.... maybe it takes ten years. Maybe there's this big long journey one has to take to force one's awareness and one's choice and one's action.
OR
Maybe we can make that choice whenever we feel like it and maybe TODAY is the only day we have to make that choice.....
It's really up to you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
{EPILOGUE**
I don't have regrets, really. I have worked to let go of those and to accept and to be grateful. And, I really am.
Still, I'd be lying if I didn't acknowledge that sometimes I look back on those first forced days of AA, on those days spent with my outpatient group, on those hours cleaning public bathrooms for my community service and going to the LA County Morgue for 'scared straight' and wonder; what would I have accomplished had I made the choice then?
I don't look back on that with sorrow or remorse. It's more a curiosity and also it's an exercise. It's an exercise in reminding me, RIGHT NOW, of the importance of that daily choice.
I wish my life to be as rich, deep, rewarding, present and full as it possibly can. I wish to give into the flow as much as I'm able. I wish to be there for my children, my loved ones, my fellow humans in as powerful a manner as I'm able.
I cannot do that while I'm drunk.
I cannot do that high on drugs, isolated and alone.
I cannot BE the ME who I am - if I choose to dull and destroy that ME with substances.
Today, I hope you read these words and either they help affirm your choice already made.... or in some small way help lead you to a choice of your own.
I promise you, it will be worth it.
I don't have regrets, really. I have worked to let go of those and to accept and to be grateful. And, I really am.
Still, I'd be lying if I didn't acknowledge that sometimes I look back on those first forced days of AA, on those days spent with my outpatient group, on those hours cleaning public bathrooms for my community service and going to the LA County Morgue for 'scared straight' and wonder; what would I have accomplished had I made the choice then?
I don't look back on that with sorrow or remorse. It's more a curiosity and also it's an exercise. It's an exercise in reminding me, RIGHT NOW, of the importance of that daily choice.
I wish my life to be as rich, deep, rewarding, present and full as it possibly can. I wish to give into the flow as much as I'm able. I wish to be there for my children, my loved ones, my fellow humans in as powerful a manner as I'm able.
I cannot do that while I'm drunk.
I cannot do that high on drugs, isolated and alone.
I cannot BE the ME who I am - if I choose to dull and destroy that ME with substances.
Today, I hope you read these words and either they help affirm your choice already made.... or in some small way help lead you to a choice of your own.
I promise you, it will be worth it.
Guest
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Love your posts. My experience of years, loss, pain, etc is similar. I don't regret the past ("nor shut the door on it" per AA) and am grateful for my painful journey. I wouldn't be the person in recovery that I am if not for all of it.
My life is an incredible gift. I had the thought yesterday while running a few morning miles - "if I could run a mile for everything I have to be grateful for, I would run at least three marathons back-to-back." No exaggeration.
We are the fortunate ones, the diligent ones, the fighters. Glad to be on this side and future of my life.
Thanks for sharing.
My life is an incredible gift. I had the thought yesterday while running a few morning miles - "if I could run a mile for everything I have to be grateful for, I would run at least three marathons back-to-back." No exaggeration.
We are the fortunate ones, the diligent ones, the fighters. Glad to be on this side and future of my life.
Thanks for sharing.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2015
Posts: 666
Thank you for this insightful post, so eloquently written. I am only two weeks into stopping (after many weak attempts before) but it feels different this time, and I've realized it's precisely what you described: I'm "choosing" a way of life this time, "choosing" a different life, a new healthier me, not just trying to quit, stop or give something up. It's become a positive, not a negative. A gift to myself, not a deprivation. It's like a switch was flipped, seeing it in this different way. Thank you for the encouragement and for explaining it so beautifully. And congratulations to you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Portland maine
Posts: 1,330
your post helped (and I'm sure others here) so much today. At moments this time of regaining myself - the old voice haunts that I am too old and made too many mistakes to bother getting sober. This is not true and coming here reaffirms that every time. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: CT
Posts: 38
Love love love this post. It has taken me 10 years too. 10 years of denial, 10 years of being a victim, 10 years..... to understand it is a choice. It's not easy, but it's a choice. I've lost a good 10 years and refuse to lose anymore. Great job to you😊
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