Regaining trust from a spouse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2015
Posts: 55
Regaining trust from a spouse
Attended a joint therapy session with my wife today, and she told me that she is not completely certain that I have not been drinking. Pretty disheartening considering my 10 month and 26 day sober streak, during this time we have been more like roommates and are not on the same page.
Anyone else had/have a similar problem?
Anyone else had/have a similar problem?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Gr8ful. Congratulations on your sober time. That is pretty darn good.
When we stop drinking, sometimes the marriage improves, sonetimes it doesn't.
Could be trust issues. Could be she is angry at past behavior.
I think more will be revealed if you continue therapy.
What do you want? Your wife back as she was? A marriage, not a roommate situation? Give up and split up?
Answering these questions will show you the way forward, and perhaps couples therapy can help get you there.
When we stop drinking, sometimes the marriage improves, sonetimes it doesn't.
Could be trust issues. Could be she is angry at past behavior.
I think more will be revealed if you continue therapy.
What do you want? Your wife back as she was? A marriage, not a roommate situation? Give up and split up?
Answering these questions will show you the way forward, and perhaps couples therapy can help get you there.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Location: Western Oregon
Posts: 1
Oh yeah. I feel for you. I was a liar and sneaky husband for so long my wife says she's not sure she'll ever fully regain trust. If she gets a feeling I'm hiding something, she goes to a worst-case mentality. Even after several years of living clean. I don't have any great ideas for you but, for me, there's more good about our relationship than bad so we keep working on rebuilding trust.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Gr8ful, I don't know if you've done any reading over in the Family and Friends of Alcoholics section of the forum, but you might find it useful in understanding how your wife may be feeling.
In my case, XAH pretended to go to AA meetings for 4 years--FOUR YEARS--and in reality would go sit in a park or otherwise amuse himself for an hour or so. He was so careful to keep up this charade that if he had errands to do also, like pick up dog food, he'd make sure to NOT do that until after the time of the meeting (that he did not attend), just in case by some wild chance I'd happen to check the time on the credit card receipt. (I would never have thought to do that; I never did much in the way of "checking up.")
Once he actually started going to meetings, he chaired a Sunday AM meeting for a year, drinking the whole time. He had a sponsor--whom he lied to continuously. He would spend the afternoon upstairs in his model airplane studio, and when he came down to supper looking just a tad "off" and I asked him if he'd been drinking, he'd look me right in the eye and swear he hadn't.
I trusted him again and again, until I started to feel like Charlie Brown and the football. Near the end, I felt as if NOTHING that came out of his mouth could be trusted. He even said to me once, when claiming sobriety and asking when things would return to "normal", "I don't think I can live long enough for you to start trusting me again!" He might have been right, but it didn't matter b/c he never really did stop drinking or lying and we divorced, after 22 years together, 19 of them married.
I don't know how long you're married, or how many years you've been drinking, but if your wife has lived with it for a number of years and if she's believed you in the past when you said you were sober and weren't, this nearly 11-month run may be a drop in the bucket of what she needs to see in order to know that it's for real. And ACTIONS are what she needs, NOT words...
**I don't want to sound as if I'm holding myself blameless in the years of crap we trudged through--had I gotten help myself sooner, I think I would have seen things more clearly much earlier and maybe taken action sooner. I was definitely part of the problem as far as the relationship goes. However, I did not cause the drinking or the lying. And truly, that was part of why I chose to end the marriage--I did not see any way I would ever learn to trust him again. He'd lied to me too many times over too many years about too many things. I still love him, I wish him well, but we are 2 years divorced now and he has given up even the pretense of recovery. Leaving was the right decision for me.
In my case, XAH pretended to go to AA meetings for 4 years--FOUR YEARS--and in reality would go sit in a park or otherwise amuse himself for an hour or so. He was so careful to keep up this charade that if he had errands to do also, like pick up dog food, he'd make sure to NOT do that until after the time of the meeting (that he did not attend), just in case by some wild chance I'd happen to check the time on the credit card receipt. (I would never have thought to do that; I never did much in the way of "checking up.")
Once he actually started going to meetings, he chaired a Sunday AM meeting for a year, drinking the whole time. He had a sponsor--whom he lied to continuously. He would spend the afternoon upstairs in his model airplane studio, and when he came down to supper looking just a tad "off" and I asked him if he'd been drinking, he'd look me right in the eye and swear he hadn't.
I trusted him again and again, until I started to feel like Charlie Brown and the football. Near the end, I felt as if NOTHING that came out of his mouth could be trusted. He even said to me once, when claiming sobriety and asking when things would return to "normal", "I don't think I can live long enough for you to start trusting me again!" He might have been right, but it didn't matter b/c he never really did stop drinking or lying and we divorced, after 22 years together, 19 of them married.
I don't know how long you're married, or how many years you've been drinking, but if your wife has lived with it for a number of years and if she's believed you in the past when you said you were sober and weren't, this nearly 11-month run may be a drop in the bucket of what she needs to see in order to know that it's for real. And ACTIONS are what she needs, NOT words...
**I don't want to sound as if I'm holding myself blameless in the years of crap we trudged through--had I gotten help myself sooner, I think I would have seen things more clearly much earlier and maybe taken action sooner. I was definitely part of the problem as far as the relationship goes. However, I did not cause the drinking or the lying. And truly, that was part of why I chose to end the marriage--I did not see any way I would ever learn to trust him again. He'd lied to me too many times over too many years about too many things. I still love him, I wish him well, but we are 2 years divorced now and he has given up even the pretense of recovery. Leaving was the right decision for me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Rebuilding trust with those we've hurt takes place at its own pace.
Focusing on yourself and your recovery, being trustworthy, honest, true to your word and your sobriety and demonstrating integrity.... you will live your words and trust will grow again in its time.
Meanwhile, empathy and understanding for what it must have been like all along for your spouse might be a useful exercise for you. With alcoholism, it's likely you lied, time and again, about lots of things large and small. It's likely your spouse truly trusted... then saw trust smashed on the rocks of your lying reality more than once. It's human to carry the pain of that and human to feel protective about it.
Work on giving the world every reason to be trusting of you, plumb your own depths. Be conscious of how your words and actions of the past have wounded.... and just continue to do the next right thing.
Trust will return where and when it will.....
Focusing on yourself and your recovery, being trustworthy, honest, true to your word and your sobriety and demonstrating integrity.... you will live your words and trust will grow again in its time.
Meanwhile, empathy and understanding for what it must have been like all along for your spouse might be a useful exercise for you. With alcoholism, it's likely you lied, time and again, about lots of things large and small. It's likely your spouse truly trusted... then saw trust smashed on the rocks of your lying reality more than once. It's human to carry the pain of that and human to feel protective about it.
Work on giving the world every reason to be trusting of you, plumb your own depths. Be conscious of how your words and actions of the past have wounded.... and just continue to do the next right thing.
Trust will return where and when it will.....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 7
Currently going through this myself.
Have been separated from my partner who is and everything I've ever wanted for about a year now.
We met about 4 years ago , I was in a marriage that I didn't want to be in for years and with a women that brought me down in so many ways , although had 3 children together , when I left I got a 1 bed flat and had 3/4 night contact with my children .. keeping it all brief my ex wife threw whatever she could at me and caused me so much grief which I turned to my good friend alcohol , this went on for 3 years with numerous stresses and I continued to hide and drink in secret till it got to the point of being asked to leave. In the year I've been away I had tried to stay away from alcohol but couldn't but I continued the pretence of I'm sober , things started to improve between us and when I was with or going to see her I would be fine and sober but when on my own I couldn't. Things went bad again in January this year and I hit the drink really hard , every rejection , my paranoia totally off the scale .. resulting in me losing everything
I have been sober now for 4 days attending AA i am determined to do it properly this time for me , and once I am in a much better place I will look at fixing things.
I have no idea why I treated her like that and lied so many times .. it's a big regret up there with letting alcohol take over my life. Because I do love her.
Have been separated from my partner who is and everything I've ever wanted for about a year now.
We met about 4 years ago , I was in a marriage that I didn't want to be in for years and with a women that brought me down in so many ways , although had 3 children together , when I left I got a 1 bed flat and had 3/4 night contact with my children .. keeping it all brief my ex wife threw whatever she could at me and caused me so much grief which I turned to my good friend alcohol , this went on for 3 years with numerous stresses and I continued to hide and drink in secret till it got to the point of being asked to leave. In the year I've been away I had tried to stay away from alcohol but couldn't but I continued the pretence of I'm sober , things started to improve between us and when I was with or going to see her I would be fine and sober but when on my own I couldn't. Things went bad again in January this year and I hit the drink really hard , every rejection , my paranoia totally off the scale .. resulting in me losing everything
I have been sober now for 4 days attending AA i am determined to do it properly this time for me , and once I am in a much better place I will look at fixing things.
I have no idea why I treated her like that and lied so many times .. it's a big regret up there with letting alcohol take over my life. Because I do love her.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 110
yes, my partner left me after I answered the phone whilst he worked away, groggy from sleep, and he assumed I was drunk. I was 2 months sober then I think. It took over a month later for him to talk to me and talk it through and trust I had not been drinking. actions have proved to him I am trying, I had a relapse, and this time I was lucky he supported me, rather than pack and leave. Probably because I got back on track the very next day, no messing about, no excuses, and coupled with the fact it was a girls meet up and suppose, in his mind he expected drinking as part of the group to be likely. If I had been drunk when he got home from work, like I have before, perhaps his bags would have been packed again. who knows...
I can understand its disheartening and frustrating when you know you haven't drank but cannot prove it, but I think we need to understand we are alcoholics. We have lied and lied before, we have been secretive, we have downplayed situations, and acted hurt when we have been accused of drinking, when we damn well had been drinking, and got caught.
I think its natural for it to take a lot of time to repair the damage, and for some its possible there is just too much water under the bridge to move forward together. But that can be said for many situations that bring stress to a relationship, not just because of addiction. And that's really rough to know and feel uncertain about,.
She may still have a lot of anger towards you, which is understandable,she is also adapting to a new life with you, its very different for her too. All you can do is continue in your recovery, show every single day that you are committed and you can be trusted. It may take a lot of time, or she may never fully trust you again. But I think actions are louder than words in our situations. You can really only show her in 1 year, 2 years, 10 years, that alcohol is not in your life anymore. Wishing you the best of luck.
I can understand its disheartening and frustrating when you know you haven't drank but cannot prove it, but I think we need to understand we are alcoholics. We have lied and lied before, we have been secretive, we have downplayed situations, and acted hurt when we have been accused of drinking, when we damn well had been drinking, and got caught.
I think its natural for it to take a lot of time to repair the damage, and for some its possible there is just too much water under the bridge to move forward together. But that can be said for many situations that bring stress to a relationship, not just because of addiction. And that's really rough to know and feel uncertain about,.
She may still have a lot of anger towards you, which is understandable,she is also adapting to a new life with you, its very different for her too. All you can do is continue in your recovery, show every single day that you are committed and you can be trusted. It may take a lot of time, or she may never fully trust you again. But I think actions are louder than words in our situations. You can really only show her in 1 year, 2 years, 10 years, that alcohol is not in your life anymore. Wishing you the best of luck.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I neglected to post what I think is a very important part of renewing your relationship--your wife would likely benefit GREATLY from Alanon or Celebrate Recovery, or if that's not a fit, then from some counseling or therapy. Remember, alcoholism isn't called "the family disease" for nothing. While she didn't cause your drinking, she has her own sickness and thus her own recovery to go through, and it's every bit as important and challenging as your own.
This article might be helpful: But I Don?t Want to Go to Al-Anon! And perhaps she could do some reading here at SR, if you feel safe having her do that w/regards to your identity and posts here.
If she's absolutely unwilling to examine her part in the problems (and again, I am NOT saying that she caused the drinking in any way), then that is also telling you something.
This article might be helpful: But I Don?t Want to Go to Al-Anon! And perhaps she could do some reading here at SR, if you feel safe having her do that w/regards to your identity and posts here.
If she's absolutely unwilling to examine her part in the problems (and again, I am NOT saying that she caused the drinking in any way), then that is also telling you something.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 7
Originally Posted by Awake61 
Forward - I believe it is worse for them.
Myself I know I was more interested in showing or saying I was tackling the problem than actually doing it.
Each and lie broke more trust
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,465
I think it's good that you are attending therapy together and hopefully you can begin to deal with these problems. I know I had to work hard to earn back trust. I hope that your therapy will help you both find your way.
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