ERRN15

He came home Thursday. After 30 days I brought him back to our life. Our children. Our home. He went to a meeting Thursday night. He was a ray of sunshine, happy to be back with his family. To be really WITH his family. He went to an NA meeting that night, and began outpatient treatment Friday.

Saturday was a struggle. The real world was hitting him hard. By this point he realized the distrust that I truly had for him and it was a hard pill to swallow. He doesn't have his phone right now because it had been given to a....resource...for investigative purposes. He said he feels caged and like he's still in inpatient except he has the keys to his truck.

I know that his recovery and his sobriety are just that....HIS. I can't build a bubble to stick him in. He has to make his own decisions, good or bad. He said "I wish you and everyone else realized that if I wanted to use I would. But I don't. Period. I don't ever want to be back in that place." While I've known that all along, it was hard to hear those words come from his mouth.

How do you step back and let go of the reigns? I feel as if I'm going to make him resentful if I make suggestions. I openly tell him what does and doesn't make me comfortable and I have set VERY CLEAR boundaries for myself and the children. But I also catch myself saying "you can't..." or "you shouldn't..." in regaurds to his own being.

I guess I'm just having a hard time giving him any wiggle room whatsoever. I feel like I'm mothering him rather than standing by and being supportive while he makes his own decisions for his own recovery.

What a terrifying place to be in. It's like giving them a remote detonator, walking away, and hoping they don't decide to push the button and blow themselves all to hell.

CanadianRose

What a terrifying place to be in. It's like giving them a remote detonator, walking away, and hoping they don't decide to push the button and blow themselves all to hell.

OMG. That's a perfect analogy. My AH is coming home tomorrow after 30 days too. I have no idea what to expect, but I guess you and I will be walking this journey together. I don't know how to relax knowing that they can blow it all up anytime and there's nothing you or I can do about it.

Yeah, I don't know if my husband has any clue how much the marriage has changed from my perspective either. I'm going to try as hard as I can not to interfere with his recovery and life, but I'm holding a credit card that came in while he was in rehab. It's his, not mine, so I guess I hand it over if he asks for it, but the second I do I'll be assuming he's going to get cash from it and buy crack whether that's his intention or not. A lot of my marriage is fundamentally broken right now. I guess you can probably relate to that.

ERRN15

I can 100% relate to that. It's the worst feeling. I'm trying to take care of myself and the kids first and foremost. If he crashes, we can't go down with him. It's not to say we'll walk away unscathed, but we will live. I'm still trying to figure all of this out as I'm sure you are too. Hell, I don't even know if I'll be here a week from now. But for today, I'm trying my best to work through to emotions, be as supportive as I can, and taking it one moment at a time. Yesterday was a hard day for me, praying that today is gentler.

PhoenixJ

Support and empathy to you both.

CanadianRose

You got it, we can't go down with them. I think that's the toughest part, not knowing if you'll be there a week from now. How do you plan anything in this kind of life? It's hard to plan even grocery shopping with that reality, lol.

I wish you all the luck in the world. I feel kinda bad about cherishing every part of this day before he's back. Whatever, though...this may be the last day for a long time where I'm positive that there will be no crack involved in my life. I trust every person in my house right now. That's something to cherish.