Why are alcoholics so needy
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 70
Why are alcoholics so needy
More of a rant than a serious question, but ugh, why are alcoholics so needy??
I've been working on detaching and avoiding drama with my alcoholic BF who is somewhere between realizing there is a problem and wanting to quit and still thinking he can "control" it.
What I've noticed lately is that the more I pull away and ignore his self-destructive behaviours the more needy he becomes. It's almost like he craves the drama and arguments just to get attention.
Has anyone else noticed this?
On the up side, I am also noticing that I no longer have the irresistible urge to check for empties or half empties, smell his breath or any of the other crazy behaviours I have engaged in for too long. He knows when he has been drinking and I know when he has been drinking, so as someone else here pointed out, there is no point in playing detective.
I feel like I've been going through the 5 stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and eventually I guess, acceptance, at which point will I finally be ready to leave? Lol, I don't know.
I've been working on detaching and avoiding drama with my alcoholic BF who is somewhere between realizing there is a problem and wanting to quit and still thinking he can "control" it.
What I've noticed lately is that the more I pull away and ignore his self-destructive behaviours the more needy he becomes. It's almost like he craves the drama and arguments just to get attention.
Has anyone else noticed this?
On the up side, I am also noticing that I no longer have the irresistible urge to check for empties or half empties, smell his breath or any of the other crazy behaviours I have engaged in for too long. He knows when he has been drinking and I know when he has been drinking, so as someone else here pointed out, there is no point in playing detective.
I feel like I've been going through the 5 stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and eventually I guess, acceptance, at which point will I finally be ready to leave? Lol, I don't know.
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
I feel like I've been going through the 5 stages of grief; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and eventually I guess, acceptance, at which point will I finally be ready to leave?
I think you spoke more truth than you knew, TH.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TheHopeful......make no mistake....when we make a change in our behaviors...the behaviors that served them in some way.....they take notice!
And...when they sense that we are not reacting....they increase the behavior--to reengage us....
And...when they sense that we are not reacting....they increase the behavior--to reengage us....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
The primary purpose of the drama and arguments is to deflect attention
from the drinking & keep your thinking and actions on defending
your thoughts & actions in the relationship.
When one person starts getting healthy it will change the way you
relate to each other towards a healthier pattern - Or not, but you
just stay on your path to a healthier life.
from the drinking & keep your thinking and actions on defending
your thoughts & actions in the relationship.
When one person starts getting healthy it will change the way you
relate to each other towards a healthier pattern - Or not, but you
just stay on your path to a healthier life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 70
That is so interesting.
It isn't at all the reaction I was expecting from him. I assumed that he would be pleased I was no longer on his back about the drinking and would be happy to be left alone to his own devices.
But he now calls me throughout the day while I'm trying to work saying things like "why don't you care about me?" or "why are you so cold to me?" or when we're both at home and I'm focusing on my own interests like my photography or my blog, he will keep finding excuses to come and ask useless questions or act hurt that I'm not cooking for him or paying attention to whatever he is doing (usually nothing).
It's a bit childish and just unattractive really.
It isn't at all the reaction I was expecting from him. I assumed that he would be pleased I was no longer on his back about the drinking and would be happy to be left alone to his own devices.
But he now calls me throughout the day while I'm trying to work saying things like "why don't you care about me?" or "why are you so cold to me?" or when we're both at home and I'm focusing on my own interests like my photography or my blog, he will keep finding excuses to come and ask useless questions or act hurt that I'm not cooking for him or paying attention to whatever he is doing (usually nothing).
It's a bit childish and just unattractive really.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
TheHopeful.....can you really blame him? He has come to expect the amount of attention that you have given him. He has wanted it, and you, in collusion, supplied it for him. It is all part of the "dance"....one cannot do the Tango alone.....
Of course he is not going to like it!
Any time one person changes the steps in the "dance" of a relationship....it screws up the dance...and the other partner will be unhappy......
It is unrealistic for you, in my opinion to expect him to like it or accept it....
He is free to have any reaction that he chooses...just as you are, also free to do....
His reaction, or feelings about it, are on his side of the street--for him to deal with....
You have enough to worry about, on your side of the street....
I will say this...it is much harder to detach from someone when you are living in the same space, with another person.....
Detachment isn't the total "fix"....it is but, one tool to give you time and space to deal with your own self......
Of course he is not going to like it!
Any time one person changes the steps in the "dance" of a relationship....it screws up the dance...and the other partner will be unhappy......
It is unrealistic for you, in my opinion to expect him to like it or accept it....
He is free to have any reaction that he chooses...just as you are, also free to do....
His reaction, or feelings about it, are on his side of the street--for him to deal with....
You have enough to worry about, on your side of the street....
I will say this...it is much harder to detach from someone when you are living in the same space, with another person.....
Detachment isn't the total "fix"....it is but, one tool to give you time and space to deal with your own self......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 70
@Dandylion You're right of course. He is still doing what he does, it's me who is trying to change the way things have been for so long, so of course he is noticing and not happy about it.
I think I'm slowly coming around to the idea of a 'temporary' separation. And since I've started being more open about the situation with my best friend and one of my family members, they are constantly asking me when I am going to leave, what is my plan etc.
It pisses me off (just leave me alone already) but at the same time, I think it's good have that stick prodding me, reminding me that this can't continue. Change is always uncomfortable, but usually leads us to better things.
I think I'm slowly coming around to the idea of a 'temporary' separation. And since I've started being more open about the situation with my best friend and one of my family members, they are constantly asking me when I am going to leave, what is my plan etc.
It pisses me off (just leave me alone already) but at the same time, I think it's good have that stick prodding me, reminding me that this can't continue. Change is always uncomfortable, but usually leads us to better things.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by TheHopeful 
It's a bit childish and just unattractive really.
I've found that when I can step back, stop engaging & just observe someone's reactions without judgment, I learn A LOT. (& not always only about them, lol) Hang in there Hopeful, sounds like you're doing great at all of this!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: Blue Ridge Mountains
Posts: 816
Detachment is when you give yourself the space & kindness
for healthy & constructive change in your life/relationship.
For me, its the beginning of my recovery and deeper understanding
of myself, my motives, desires & needs. How do I want to be in
a relationship? Can I be myself in this relationship?
Detachment is the "window" where your partner can show you if
he/she wants to "learn new dance steps". They will show you, but
we must have the courage to accept reality. They have the right to
keep with the old dance..... And we have the right to have peace
and meaning and real intimacy in our relationship if we want.
for healthy & constructive change in your life/relationship.
For me, its the beginning of my recovery and deeper understanding
of myself, my motives, desires & needs. How do I want to be in
a relationship? Can I be myself in this relationship?
Detachment is the "window" where your partner can show you if
he/she wants to "learn new dance steps". They will show you, but
we must have the courage to accept reality. They have the right to
keep with the old dance..... And we have the right to have peace
and meaning and real intimacy in our relationship if we want.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,637
Why was I needy on my family as an alcoholic- who actively drank? My family no longer talk to me- 16 months sober, so some credibility to share with you.
It was
- for shelter, a safe place to drink
- a safety line, rescuing if fall over, need more booze, no money
-emotional lifeline- needing others to pay attention to me constantly so I could assure myself my drinking was not an issue, through illness, getting feedback for sweeping the floor, needing assurance I was okay if doing a martyr scene (like getting drunk on the date of a family member dying- years before)
- transport
- managing medications
- cooking meals for me
- clothes
- reminder of appointments
- to be assured 'everything was still alright'- so I could drink in comfort and security.
Basically being a child who needs to be cared for.
I am just reflecting my own journey.
Grief- yes, it can occur for very subtle reasons..al-anon would be a good support for you. Does your partner go to meeting?
Empathy and support to you. PJ
It was
- for shelter, a safe place to drink
- a safety line, rescuing if fall over, need more booze, no money
-emotional lifeline- needing others to pay attention to me constantly so I could assure myself my drinking was not an issue, through illness, getting feedback for sweeping the floor, needing assurance I was okay if doing a martyr scene (like getting drunk on the date of a family member dying- years before)
- transport
- managing medications
- cooking meals for me
- clothes
- reminder of appointments
- to be assured 'everything was still alright'- so I could drink in comfort and security.
Basically being a child who needs to be cared for.
I am just reflecting my own journey.
Grief- yes, it can occur for very subtle reasons..al-anon would be a good support for you. Does your partner go to meeting?
Empathy and support to you. PJ
Member
Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Anywhere, USA
Posts: 869
I posted something similar not long ago and this was a great response:
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
it's classic "change back" behavior. when a dysfunctional "system" exists, be that a family, friends, lovers or even a work group, it depends on everyone drinking the juice, so to speak. speaking the lingo, obeying the rules. so when any ONE person/unit in that system starts to change, pull away, that upsets the rest of the system.
you can actually see the reverse in a healthy system. an ant colony relies on everyone to know their job and do their job without question, even if it means they will die. they all travel along their little pheremone trail, doing there thing. if one ant decided all of the sudden - oh hell with this, i'm not lugging this fly up that damn hill - and just sat down, or whatever ants do, it would create a traffic jam. and confusion.
now i caution you - he's not going to like that and he's going to up the ante. be prepared and don't buy into the sales pitch. in fact every time he says the word LOVE consider that a sign it isn't real.
you can actually see the reverse in a healthy system. an ant colony relies on everyone to know their job and do their job without question, even if it means they will die. they all travel along their little pheremone trail, doing there thing. if one ant decided all of the sudden - oh hell with this, i'm not lugging this fly up that damn hill - and just sat down, or whatever ants do, it would create a traffic jam. and confusion.
now i caution you - he's not going to like that and he's going to up the ante. be prepared and don't buy into the sales pitch. in fact every time he says the word LOVE consider that a sign it isn't real.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 70
Pheonix, thanks for sharing that. I'm sorry about your family, but respect for the changes you have made in your life despite it.
To answer your question, no he doesn't. He sees a therapist, but no meetings, sponsor, etc and his attempts at sobering up until now have ended in him concluding that he can still drink "in moderation."
I've just started to quit smoking myself in my attempts to live healthier and not turn to unhealthy habits when stressed, and it has given me a (very) small insight into how hard it can be to give up an addiction.
To answer your question, no he doesn't. He sees a therapist, but no meetings, sponsor, etc and his attempts at sobering up until now have ended in him concluding that he can still drink "in moderation."
I've just started to quit smoking myself in my attempts to live healthier and not turn to unhealthy habits when stressed, and it has given me a (very) small insight into how hard it can be to give up an addiction.
Originally Posted by PhoenixJ
Why was I needy on my family as an alcoholic- who actively drank? My family no longer talk to me- 16 months sober, so some credibility to share with you.
It was
- for shelter, a safe place to drink
- a safety line, rescuing if fall over, need more booze, no money
-emotional lifeline- needing others to pay attention to me constantly so I could assure myself my drinking was not an issue, through illness, getting feedback for sweeping the floor, needing assurance I was okay if doing a martyr scene (like getting drunk on the date of a family member dying- years before)
- transport
- managing medications
- cooking meals for me
- clothes
- reminder of appointments
- to be assured 'everything was still alright'- so I could drink in comfort and security.
Basically being a child who needs to be cared for.
I am just reflecting my own journey.
Grief- yes, it can occur for very subtle reasons..al-anon would be a good support for you. Does your partner go to meeting?
Empathy and support to you. PJ
It was
- for shelter, a safe place to drink
- a safety line, rescuing if fall over, need more booze, no money
-emotional lifeline- needing others to pay attention to me constantly so I could assure myself my drinking was not an issue, through illness, getting feedback for sweeping the floor, needing assurance I was okay if doing a martyr scene (like getting drunk on the date of a family member dying- years before)
- transport
- managing medications
- cooking meals for me
- clothes
- reminder of appointments
- to be assured 'everything was still alright'- so I could drink in comfort and security.
Basically being a child who needs to be cared for.
I am just reflecting my own journey.
Grief- yes, it can occur for very subtle reasons..al-anon would be a good support for you. Does your partner go to meeting?
Empathy and support to you. PJ
Member
Join Date: Jun 2021
Posts: 1
Neediness. Clingy behavior
Originally Posted by TheHopeful
That is so interesting.
It isn't at all the reaction I was expecting from him. I assumed that he would be pleased I was no longer on his back about the drinking and would be happy to be left alone to his own devices.
But he now calls me throughout the day while I'm trying to work saying things like "why don't you care about me?" or "why are you so cold to me?" or when we're both at home and I'm focusing on my own interests like my photography or my blog, he will keep finding excuses to come and ask useless questions or act hurt that I'm not cooking for him or paying attention to whatever he is doing (usually nothing).
It's a bit childish and just unattractive really.
It isn't at all the reaction I was expecting from him. I assumed that he would be pleased I was no longer on his back about the drinking and would be happy to be left alone to his own devices.
But he now calls me throughout the day while I'm trying to work saying things like "why don't you care about me?" or "why are you so cold to me?" or when we're both at home and I'm focusing on my own interests like my photography or my blog, he will keep finding excuses to come and ask useless questions or act hurt that I'm not cooking for him or paying attention to whatever he is doing (usually nothing).
It's a bit childish and just unattractive really.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,414
Sounds like you need to set a boundary for phone call frequency—this might be an excellent thing to discuss at your Alanon meeting—they should be able to help you frame it clearly and safely. No way could I handle that either—I don’t agree that it isn’t “right” for you to want that kind of emotional drain to stop.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 136
I quit smoking 20 years ago when AH quit drinking originally. It was not a happy household lol! It was difficult, but so worth it - I can't imagine ever picking up a cigarette again the smell makes me sick. If only fattening food would have that effect on me ...
.
My AH is currently on week 3 of his latest binge and most of what PheonixJ wrote seems to be his daily operational plan now that he doesn't have a job. He actually faked a heart attack three days ago to get me to go see him and when I got there he said he needed liquor, could I drive him? I left, but he managed to somehow annoy our son into taking him just so he'd stop shouting about his heart and banging on the walls.
.My AH is currently on week 3 of his latest binge and most of what PheonixJ wrote seems to be his daily operational plan now that he doesn't have a job. He actually faked a heart attack three days ago to get me to go see him and when I got there he said he needed liquor, could I drive him? I left, but he managed to somehow annoy our son into taking him just so he'd stop shouting about his heart and banging on the walls.
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