Day 16. Bummed to be feeling rotten right outta the gate this morning...
Gratitude Gardener
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
Day 16. Bummed to be feeling rotten right outta the gate this morning...
Painful period (cramps) and wanting to push through it to get stuff done.
There is a script that plays through my head which complains and plays victim... it says, "Of COURSE NOW when I am trying to get a lot accomplished before I have to leave for two weeks... Of course NOW I am overcome with a tidal wave of period blues and physical pain. WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME??? So flippin typical. Its cause I am doing something WRONG and God is punishing me. But I am getting sober. Isnt that enough for now, God? WAH!!! "...
Totally not taking into account the fact that I have had PLENTY of periods where I get to stay in bed for the entire time. Plenty.
Not taking into account that yesterday I was gifted with a whole new wardrobe from my rich-kid neighbor in her mid-twenties who wears the same size in EVERYTHING as I do, and whose style is ... like... exactly stuff I would wear if I could afford to shop like she does. She is moving back to her home town. She throws away beautiful, still-new, high quality clothes like its NOTHING.
oh, and a really expensive BIKE! She GAVE IT AWAY. I got it. (I used to use a bike to get everywhere, but my last bike was stolen about three years ago. I was so fit when i rode everyday).
So, I literally have my entire wardrobe totally set ... have everything I need and then some, for like... the next two years of my life or longer.
When I was a little girl we were so poor and my clothes were really out of fashion, and even as a toddler I was a little fashonista. I craved the fun of cute and pretty clothes and dresses.
But there was never enough, and some of my clothes were from the 1970's. It was terribly embarrassing when I was a kid.
So having ENOUGH clothes has always been a strange obsession... and I like high quality... and I like comfy... and I like beautiful lines and fabric.
I got all of that this past week.
Anyway... I am blessed. Often. The blessings come fast and furious in my life and they keep me living a relatively GREAT and RICH life despite the odds. And if I want to stay blessed I need to, not BE PERFECT, but recognize my victim whiner voice and nip her in the bud.
So yeah, super dissapointed that my cramps were there to greet me again this morning, and that I have a bad headache right now, and that I feel tired even though I slept 7 hours like a rock.
But I hope to get in the habit of doing a gratitude list EVERY TIIME I feel all gooey victim about my life.
That state of mind leads straight to drinking and failure.
Thanks for listening .
There is a script that plays through my head which complains and plays victim... it says, "Of COURSE NOW when I am trying to get a lot accomplished before I have to leave for two weeks... Of course NOW I am overcome with a tidal wave of period blues and physical pain. WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME??? So flippin typical. Its cause I am doing something WRONG and God is punishing me. But I am getting sober. Isnt that enough for now, God? WAH!!! "...
Totally not taking into account the fact that I have had PLENTY of periods where I get to stay in bed for the entire time. Plenty.
Not taking into account that yesterday I was gifted with a whole new wardrobe from my rich-kid neighbor in her mid-twenties who wears the same size in EVERYTHING as I do, and whose style is ... like... exactly stuff I would wear if I could afford to shop like she does. She is moving back to her home town. She throws away beautiful, still-new, high quality clothes like its NOTHING.
oh, and a really expensive BIKE! She GAVE IT AWAY. I got it. (I used to use a bike to get everywhere, but my last bike was stolen about three years ago. I was so fit when i rode everyday).
So, I literally have my entire wardrobe totally set ... have everything I need and then some, for like... the next two years of my life or longer.
When I was a little girl we were so poor and my clothes were really out of fashion, and even as a toddler I was a little fashonista. I craved the fun of cute and pretty clothes and dresses.
But there was never enough, and some of my clothes were from the 1970's. It was terribly embarrassing when I was a kid.
So having ENOUGH clothes has always been a strange obsession... and I like high quality... and I like comfy... and I like beautiful lines and fabric.
I got all of that this past week.
Anyway... I am blessed. Often. The blessings come fast and furious in my life and they keep me living a relatively GREAT and RICH life despite the odds. And if I want to stay blessed I need to, not BE PERFECT, but recognize my victim whiner voice and nip her in the bud.
So yeah, super dissapointed that my cramps were there to greet me again this morning, and that I have a bad headache right now, and that I feel tired even though I slept 7 hours like a rock.
But I hope to get in the habit of doing a gratitude list EVERY TIIME I feel all gooey victim about my life.
That state of mind leads straight to drinking and failure.
Thanks for listening .
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Glad you posted- sometimes we really need to get it out, vent, whatever - even just to hear ourselves say things and in the case of SR, rereading posts!!
You're right (and I like the description "gooey victim"!) - being ungrateful and playing the victim are extremely dangerous states to enter. I didn't realize how I played the victim while drinking (everything happened TO ME etc) until I quit drinking.
I was very sick for awhile- weeks, even months- when I quit because I was so damaged (physically and then emotionally). You are doing great - it's early days and you have a start - and I know I needed to have a program and the start to the new habits of AA that are natural now.
Keep going - you can do it.
You're right (and I like the description "gooey victim"!) - being ungrateful and playing the victim are extremely dangerous states to enter. I didn't realize how I played the victim while drinking (everything happened TO ME etc) until I quit drinking.
I was very sick for awhile- weeks, even months- when I quit because I was so damaged (physically and then emotionally). You are doing great - it's early days and you have a start - and I know I needed to have a program and the start to the new habits of AA that are natural now.
Keep going - you can do it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2016
Location: Adelaide, Australia
Posts: 28,643
Lists are good. I have no personal experience with the down there pains- but as an oldie nurse- I understand and empathise- they really suck and they really suck. Instead of a grat. list- I do a stuff list...small things, but different than everyday . So a different 'wonder' ingredient for my coffee (the week it is hazelnut syrup). Or - like Friday even tho I only cook for me- I got a pork roast. Just means I am eating pork for a long time, but it was different. A 10 minute people watch walk.
I do run over stuff I am grateful for, but it kind of gets repetitive and only slowly changes. Good for you, Herc. (the old 'Hercules cartoon when I was a kid- he had a side kick, a centaur?- that always called him Herc...like it).
YOU ARE DOING WELL. tHROW YOURSELF A CHOCOLATE PARTY. (I WILL BUY SOME DARK CHOC AND HAZELNUT TOMORROW NOW- 2213- sUN). oops- caps lock.
I do run over stuff I am grateful for, but it kind of gets repetitive and only slowly changes. Good for you, Herc. (the old 'Hercules cartoon when I was a kid- he had a side kick, a centaur?- that always called him Herc...like it).
YOU ARE DOING WELL. tHROW YOURSELF A CHOCOLATE PARTY. (I WILL BUY SOME DARK CHOC AND HAZELNUT TOMORROW NOW- 2213- sUN). oops- caps lock.
Gratitude Gardener
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
Actually, I got TWO free bikes within two days. A retro 10 speed schwinn (very rusty though and in need of new tires, but still )
AND the one from my neighbor... a two year old mountain bike ready to ride... both are perfectly my size (I stand at 5"2).
San Francisco is the land o plenty. People have lots of money here, and they are constantly leaving items out in the sidewalk to give away (RARELY a bike, though).
But I am also extremely blessed in this regard... everywhere I go.
I once found a rare book in a pile on the street and sold it on ebay for 700$. Another time I took a book home that looked mildly interesting. Opened it up a week later to read it and OUT FELL 100$ BILL. Just when i needed the money, too.
AND the one from my neighbor... a two year old mountain bike ready to ride... both are perfectly my size (I stand at 5"2).
San Francisco is the land o plenty. People have lots of money here, and they are constantly leaving items out in the sidewalk to give away (RARELY a bike, though).
But I am also extremely blessed in this regard... everywhere I go.
I once found a rare book in a pile on the street and sold it on ebay for 700$. Another time I took a book home that looked mildly interesting. Opened it up a week later to read it and OUT FELL 100$ BILL. Just when i needed the money, too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: America
Posts: 4,136
I'm glad you got some new cool clothes and a new bike. That's great. Sorry about your cramps. Those aren't so great But at least you know what you're dealing with and they will eventually go away. Hope you have some fun with the other stuff!! I slept good, but woke up sore and blah. But I haven't any coffee yet, so it will get better after coffee. All's well after coffee, or so I tell myself.
Had very vivid dreams. Dreamed my son was a little boy again and his arm fell off so I had to reattach it and try to get him to hold still while it healed back in place, but he wouldn't hold still and the arm kept falling off. And I dreamt about my last job even though I haven't worked there in over 7 years....I often have dreams about THAT job!
Cat woke up on the wrong side of the bed today and he's whining a lot. Maybe his litter box needs changed....oh joy....he getS out of sorts if his litter box isn't right.
So back to the coffee first. COFFEEEEEEEE!!
We're with you herc.
Had very vivid dreams. Dreamed my son was a little boy again and his arm fell off so I had to reattach it and try to get him to hold still while it healed back in place, but he wouldn't hold still and the arm kept falling off. And I dreamt about my last job even though I haven't worked there in over 7 years....I often have dreams about THAT job!
Cat woke up on the wrong side of the bed today and he's whining a lot. Maybe his litter box needs changed....oh joy....he getS out of sorts if his litter box isn't right.
So back to the coffee first. COFFEEEEEEEE!!
We're with you herc.
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