It's like holding a lottery ticket.
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It's like holding a lottery ticket.
...and waiting to see if your numbers come up. You know the odds aren't good, but oh man, winning would be really cool. That's what it feels like when I think about my AH coming out of rehab. I'm probably going to end up like most people posting here through the years, but I find myself fantasizing about having a sober healthy husband instead.
It's tough. I talk to him lately, and he's so very sober. It's really nice to talk to him sober. He gets out of rehab in 3 days. I know...I really do know, that I'm probably being unwise in not objecting to him coming straight back home. I know that I'm being unwise in feeling too hopeful. "But I love him" is no excuse for not keeping my head on straight. I don't know...I guess...pray for me if you would. I'm gonna do a rare thing and pray for clarity and wisdom myself. Whichever way this goes, I just want to get my mind right.
I know what my boundaries are and right now I don't doubt my ability to stand by them. I know it's easier to be strong when he's not here, though. I'm super good at being strong when I'm alone. I will pray for the strength to stand by my values when doing so hurts my heart because not doing so will hurt my heart worse. I'll pray for the ability to take things one day at a time too. I can't really help him in recovery if he chooses to keep pursuing that, but I can take care of me and not be a codependent wreck. I mean, I was digging the weight loss that came with it, but maybe exercise and eating well is a better way to accomplish that, lol.
Much love to all of you here for helping me get through this far. I owe a lot of what sanity I have to you guys.
It's tough. I talk to him lately, and he's so very sober. It's really nice to talk to him sober. He gets out of rehab in 3 days. I know...I really do know, that I'm probably being unwise in not objecting to him coming straight back home. I know that I'm being unwise in feeling too hopeful. "But I love him" is no excuse for not keeping my head on straight. I don't know...I guess...pray for me if you would. I'm gonna do a rare thing and pray for clarity and wisdom myself. Whichever way this goes, I just want to get my mind right.
I know what my boundaries are and right now I don't doubt my ability to stand by them. I know it's easier to be strong when he's not here, though. I'm super good at being strong when I'm alone. I will pray for the strength to stand by my values when doing so hurts my heart because not doing so will hurt my heart worse. I'll pray for the ability to take things one day at a time too. I can't really help him in recovery if he chooses to keep pursuing that, but I can take care of me and not be a codependent wreck. I mean, I was digging the weight loss that came with it, but maybe exercise and eating well is a better way to accomplish that, lol.
Much love to all of you here for helping me get through this far. I owe a lot of what sanity I have to you guys.
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As we say around here.............it's always good to have hope but hope is not a plan.
I think as long as you keep your mind grounded in knowing what you know recovery looks like and not allow yourself to get manipulated by words, you'll be just fine.
((hugs))
I think as long as you keep your mind grounded in knowing what you know recovery looks like and not allow yourself to get manipulated by words, you'll be just fine.
((hugs))
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Support to you. Time and reliable action/behaviour will tell. Hope is a wonderful stimulant. Do you do al-anon? Support for you would be a very good idea. Also the threads here on SR.
Offering my support to you and your family.
Offering my support to you and your family.
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Originally Posted by atalose 
As we say around here.............it's always good to have hope but hope is not a plan.
I think as long as you keep your mind grounded in knowing what you know recovery looks like and not allow yourself to get manipulated by words, you'll be just fine.
((hugs))
I think as long as you keep your mind grounded in knowing what you know recovery looks like and not allow yourself to get manipulated by words, you'll be just fine.
((hugs))
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Originally Posted by PhoenixJ
Support to you. Time and reliable action/behaviour will tell. Hope is a wonderful stimulant. Do you do al-anon? Support for you would be a very good idea. Also the threads here on SR.
Offering my support to you and your family.
Offering my support to you and your family.
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Location: W Washington
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you now have a better sense of what to look for - ANY drinking, ANY use of pot, any evasiveness, any time hanging out in the shed. you have the right, IMHO, to ask for COMPLETE transparency - access to his phone, for a report on comings and goings, and control over the finances. i know that sounds like control......but he created this situation. he cannot be trusted.
if he shows any resistance, then he isn't humble enough, or willing enough to demonstrate that he is worthy of trust. remember, if he went to a sober living facility, they too would have certain expectations of behaviors. in fact, the real grown up world has expectations of behaviors. you are simply presenting him with the same expectations. you could even draw up a "contract" that you both agree to and sign and then paste it on the fridge.
if he shows any resistance, then he isn't humble enough, or willing enough to demonstrate that he is worthy of trust. remember, if he went to a sober living facility, they too would have certain expectations of behaviors. in fact, the real grown up world has expectations of behaviors. you are simply presenting him with the same expectations. you could even draw up a "contract" that you both agree to and sign and then paste it on the fridge.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
They always say hindsight is 20/20.. I say this because I was in your situation a few times and looking back the one thing that I wish I had done was to not have any expectations for my ex husband. I had so many expectations the two times he came out of rehab and both times I was ended up with some major resentments towards his faux recovery. Of course that didn't hurt my ex because he could have cared less what I thought or what my reactions were because he was quite content being high all of the time.
What would have brought me more peace and certainty sanity was if I had worked on my own recovery. If I had just let go of th outcome and focused on my self and my well being.
If you aren't already, attend as many ALANON meetings as you can. This will help you tremendously in putting the focus back on you. It's going to be human nature to watch him like a hawk for signs of relaps. I watched my ex like it was my job, but the only thing that caused me was obsession and self neglect. If he starts using again, you will know, your gut will scream it at you. Always listen to your gut because it's rarely wrong. This is where strong boundaries come into play. Absolutely know without a doubt where you draw the line and never waiver from i. Keep in mind though that boundaries are for you and your sanity and not rules of behavior for the addict. It's very easy to cross into that general manager of the addict and his recovery mode. My best advice when it comes to his recover is hands off.
Please remember this; whether is stays clean or relapses, you're going to be ok, that I can promise..
((((Hugs))))
What would have brought me more peace and certainty sanity was if I had worked on my own recovery. If I had just let go of th outcome and focused on my self and my well being.
If you aren't already, attend as many ALANON meetings as you can. This will help you tremendously in putting the focus back on you. It's going to be human nature to watch him like a hawk for signs of relaps. I watched my ex like it was my job, but the only thing that caused me was obsession and self neglect. If he starts using again, you will know, your gut will scream it at you. Always listen to your gut because it's rarely wrong. This is where strong boundaries come into play. Absolutely know without a doubt where you draw the line and never waiver from i. Keep in mind though that boundaries are for you and your sanity and not rules of behavior for the addict. It's very easy to cross into that general manager of the addict and his recovery mode. My best advice when it comes to his recover is hands off.
Please remember this; whether is stays clean or relapses, you're going to be ok, that I can promise..
((((Hugs))))
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Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
you now have a better sense of what to look for - ANY drinking, ANY use of pot, any evasiveness, any time hanging out in the shed. you have the right, IMHO, to ask for COMPLETE transparency - access to his phone, for a report on comings and goings, and control over the finances. i know that sounds like control......but he created this situation. he cannot be trusted.
if he shows any resistance, then he isn't humble enough, or willing enough to demonstrate that he is worthy of trust. remember, if he went to a sober living facility, they too would have certain expectations of behaviors. in fact, the real grown up world has expectations of behaviors. you are simply presenting him with the same expectations. you could even draw up a "contract" that you both agree to and sign and then paste it on the fridge.
if he shows any resistance, then he isn't humble enough, or willing enough to demonstrate that he is worthy of trust. remember, if he went to a sober living facility, they too would have certain expectations of behaviors. in fact, the real grown up world has expectations of behaviors. you are simply presenting him with the same expectations. you could even draw up a "contract" that you both agree to and sign and then paste it on the fridge.
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Originally Posted by jerect
They always say hindsight is 20/20.. I say this because I was in your situation a few times and looking back the one thing that I wish I had done was to not have any expectations for my ex husband. I had so many expectations the two times he came out of rehab and both times I was ended up with some major resentments towards his faux recovery. Of course that didn't hurt my ex because he could have cared less what I thought or what my reactions were because he was quite content being high all of the time.
What would have brought me more peace and certainty sanity was if I had worked on my own recovery. If I had just let go of th outcome and focused on my self and my well being.
If you aren't already, attend as many ALANON meetings as you can. This will help you tremendously in putting the focus back on you. It's going to be human nature to watch him like a hawk for signs of relaps. I watched my ex like it was my job, but the only thing that caused me was obsession and self neglect. If he starts using again, you will know, your gut will scream it at you. Always listen to your gut because it's rarely wrong. This is where strong boundaries come into play. Absolutely know without a doubt where you draw the line and never waiver from i. Keep in mind though that boundaries are for you and your sanity and not rules of behavior for the addict. It's very easy to cross into that general manager of the addict and his recovery mode. My best advice when it comes to his recover is hands off.
Please remember this; whether is stays clean or relapses, you're going to be ok, that I can promise..
((((Hugs))))
What would have brought me more peace and certainty sanity was if I had worked on my own recovery. If I had just let go of th outcome and focused on my self and my well being.
If you aren't already, attend as many ALANON meetings as you can. This will help you tremendously in putting the focus back on you. It's going to be human nature to watch him like a hawk for signs of relaps. I watched my ex like it was my job, but the only thing that caused me was obsession and self neglect. If he starts using again, you will know, your gut will scream it at you. Always listen to your gut because it's rarely wrong. This is where strong boundaries come into play. Absolutely know without a doubt where you draw the line and never waiver from i. Keep in mind though that boundaries are for you and your sanity and not rules of behavior for the addict. It's very easy to cross into that general manager of the addict and his recovery mode. My best advice when it comes to his recover is hands off.
Please remember this; whether is stays clean or relapses, you're going to be ok, that I can promise..
((((Hugs))))
You're so right...my gut hasn't been wrong yet. I've been going to Naranon meetings and boy, they have helped. My kids go to their dad's for the summer next week, so I'll be able to hit 5 per week if I need to. I may need to. If I find myself watching him like it's my job (lol, I so did that too before), I'll force myself to get the hell out of the house for the evening. I know what you mean by how miserable it makes you to do all the spying and questioning and snooping, etc. Like you say, I'll know if he's using without all that.
It feels kinda messed up, but I expect him to use again. I hope that he doesn't. I don't think I'd have that view if I hadn't read so many of these threads from years and years. Hope is a beautiful thing, but reality is what it is and statistics are what they are. I'm scared to have any positive expectations. Those hurt quite a bit these past few months. It would be better to have no expectations probably. Maybe I'm safer expecting the worst. That keeps me on my toes with my contingency plans. I feel like a jerk taking that viewpoint, though. This is not a situation anyone should be in. I love him, but I expect to have to leave him, but I'm being supportive and encouraging, which means I'm as big a liar as he is.
Ugh. This crap is so unnatural.
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Originally Posted by Deelilah
Ugh. This crap is so unnatural.
I never had any positive expectations for my ex, his behavior was not that of a recovering addict. Oh, there were many times that I was in denial about his recovery, I lied to myself thinking that if he was attending meetings then he must be clean. ( I think that goes back to the hope thing you were talking about and by the way, it's very normal to feel that way). In fact, it was just the opposite, he lied to me about attending meetings and later admitted to me that he picked up his 30, 60, 90 DAY key fobs while high (nice, huh?).
There is really no way of knowing if your husband will relapse or not, it all depends on how willing he is to change his life and the places and friends he hangs out with. Obviously, that one is totally up to him. I'm a lot like you in that I always think the worst so that I won't be totally off guard when something happens.
Just take things as they come and honestly try not to have any expectations at all just very strong boundaries. After five years of struggling with my ex h and his perpetual lies and addictions I just couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't until that last year that I finally grasped what detachment with love was and the importance of unwavering boundaries.
It won't be an easy road but as you work your own recovery you will find strength in places that you've never expected. You will come across people who share your struggle and have known your frustrations, anger, and heartache.
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Plan for the worst, hope and pray for the best.
He is giving it a go at rehab. You are staying by him. Since that is the case, I would encourage him while staying on my own side of the street, and making that plan just in case.
Big hugs!
He is giving it a go at rehab. You are staying by him. Since that is the case, I would encourage him while staying on my own side of the street, and making that plan just in case.
Big hugs!
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Originally Posted by jerect
Yes, it is unnatural because when you marry someone or are in a committed relationship with someone you expect to trust them 100 percent. That trust is now irrevocably broken and it always will be to a degree. You have every right not to trust him and at this stage of his recovery, you shouldn't. It will have to be earned through transparency and a complete 360-degree lifestyle change.
I never had any positive expectations for my ex, his behavior was not that of a recovering addict. Oh, there were many times that I was in denial about his recovery, I lied to myself thinking that if he was attending meetings then he must be clean. ( I think that goes back to the hope thing you were talking about and by the way, it's very normal to feel that way). In fact, it was just the opposite, he lied to me about attending meetings and later admitted to me that he picked up his 30, 60, 90 DAY key fobs while high (nice, huh?).
There is really no way of knowing if your husband will relapse or not, it all depends on how willing he is to change his life and the places and friends he hangs out with. Obviously, that one is totally up to him. I'm a lot like you in that I always think the worst so that I won't be totally off guard when something happens.
Just take things as they come and honestly try not to have any expectations at all just very strong boundaries. After five years of struggling with my ex h and his perpetual lies and addictions I just couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't until that last year that I finally grasped what detachment with love was and the importance of unwavering boundaries.
It won't be an easy road but as you work your own recovery you will find strength in places that you've never expected. You will come across people who share your struggle and have known your frustrations, anger, and heartache.
I never had any positive expectations for my ex, his behavior was not that of a recovering addict. Oh, there were many times that I was in denial about his recovery, I lied to myself thinking that if he was attending meetings then he must be clean. ( I think that goes back to the hope thing you were talking about and by the way, it's very normal to feel that way). In fact, it was just the opposite, he lied to me about attending meetings and later admitted to me that he picked up his 30, 60, 90 DAY key fobs while high (nice, huh?).
There is really no way of knowing if your husband will relapse or not, it all depends on how willing he is to change his life and the places and friends he hangs out with. Obviously, that one is totally up to him. I'm a lot like you in that I always think the worst so that I won't be totally off guard when something happens.
Just take things as they come and honestly try not to have any expectations at all just very strong boundaries. After five years of struggling with my ex h and his perpetual lies and addictions I just couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't until that last year that I finally grasped what detachment with love was and the importance of unwavering boundaries.
It won't be an easy road but as you work your own recovery you will find strength in places that you've never expected. You will come across people who share your struggle and have known your frustrations, anger, and heartache.
All of you and Naranon help so much. I can't imagine how confused and lost I'd be without having so many experienced people sharing with me. I still don't have detachment with love figured out. I have caution and wariness figured out so far. Frustration and anger was easy to accomplish too. Heartbreak was a no-brainer. That detachment with love thing is complex, though. I've had love and I've had detachment. Not at the same time.
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Originally Posted by hopeful4
Plan for the worst, hope and pray for the best.
He is giving it a go at rehab. You are staying by him. Since that is the case, I would encourage him while staying on my own side of the street, and making that plan just in case.
Big hugs!
He is giving it a go at rehab. You are staying by him. Since that is the case, I would encourage him while staying on my own side of the street, and making that plan just in case.
Big hugs!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
Originally Posted by Deelilah
You know, stories like yours where he was picking up his key fobs while high just reinforce to me how little control any of us have over this stuff and how pointless it is to give our trust away early on. Though I think you're right, trust will never be back like it was no matter what. That marriage died along with all of my naive notions of what our relationship was. He didn't even have to get a divorce to get a new wife, lol.
All of you and Naranon help so much. I can't imagine how confused and lost I'd be without having so many experienced people sharing with me. I still don't have detachment with love figured out. I have caution and wariness figured out so far. Frustration and anger was easy to accomplish too. Heartbreak was a no-brainer. That detachment with love thing is complex, though. I've had love and I've had detachment. Not at the same time.
All of you and Naranon help so much. I can't imagine how confused and lost I'd be without having so many experienced people sharing with me. I still don't have detachment with love figured out. I have caution and wariness figured out so far. Frustration and anger was easy to accomplish too. Heartbreak was a no-brainer. That detachment with love thing is complex, though. I've had love and I've had detachment. Not at the same time.
I was able to detach by letting go and letting my higher power sort it all out. What he was doing or wasn't doing was beyond my control, I honestly became indifferent to it all.
I hope this all makes sense. There is really no right or wrong way to detach, I think it's an individual thing and depends on where you are at in your circumstances.
Just remember that no matter what happens, you will be ok, you will be more than ok. I never realized how strong I was until I landed on the other side.
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Originally Posted by jerect
Detachment with love was the hardest one's for me to accomplish. In fact, to be honest, I don't think I reached that stage until the moment I decided to file for a divorce. I knew that I had to release him and everything else that was going on to my higher power, I had to forgive him, not because he deserved it because he didn't, but because I had to do it for myself in order to start the healing process. Detaching made things easier when he tried his manipulation tactics on me in hopes that I would change my mind.
I was able to detach by letting go and letting my higher power sort it all out. What he was doing or wasn't doing was beyond my control, I honestly became indifferent to it all.
I hope this all makes sense. There is really no right or wrong way to detach, I think it's an individual thing and depends on where you are at in your circumstances.
Just remember that no matter what happens, you will be ok, you will be more than ok. I never realized how strong I was until I landed on the other side.
I was able to detach by letting go and letting my higher power sort it all out. What he was doing or wasn't doing was beyond my control, I honestly became indifferent to it all.
I hope this all makes sense. There is really no right or wrong way to detach, I think it's an individual thing and depends on where you are at in your circumstances.
Just remember that no matter what happens, you will be ok, you will be more than ok. I never realized how strong I was until I landed on the other side.
Thank you! That makes me feel better, that I'll be more than okay no matter what happens. I believe that. If he works recovery for the rest of his life, I'll get an honest stand-up guy. If he doesn't work recovery, the work I'll have done on myself to survive it will make me stronger and wiser and I'll rebuild my life exactly the way I want to.
This month on my own was SUCH a blessing. It reinforced what I already knew...that I enjoy my own company and can be on my own without being unhappy. If it goes in that direction, I'll be okay.
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Originally Posted by Jaeger
Thinking of you, Deelilah! Is today the day?
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