How to stop this cycle of trying to fix everything!
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 15
How to stop this cycle of trying to fix everything!
I posted a week again... my hb was in rehab for 4 months, came home and started drinking again within 3 days.
And here the cycle started again... of me trying to fix everything. Talking to him, seeing that he takes his meds, sobering up. After a day in bed and me doing everything, he was sober... said he wil stop, went to work.
And then last night he drank again.
I try not to do anything today but it is so difficult watching someone you love doing this... not only to himself but me and the kids.
I tried to gwt my mind of it, baked a cake with the kids and will go shopping later.
But I can't switch my mind off! What will I get home to?
And here the cycle started again... of me trying to fix everything. Talking to him, seeing that he takes his meds, sobering up. After a day in bed and me doing everything, he was sober... said he wil stop, went to work.
And then last night he drank again.
I try not to do anything today but it is so difficult watching someone you love doing this... not only to himself but me and the kids.
I tried to gwt my mind of it, baked a cake with the kids and will go shopping later.
But I can't switch my mind off! What will I get home to?
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, you can recognize that this isn't something within your power to fix.
Detachment only gets you so far, though. Have you considered stepping AWAY from the insanity? If he's drinking continuously, after four months of rehab, it sounds as if he's had every opportunity to work on his recovery. Might be time to take action to protect yourself and your kids.
Have you talked with a lawyer? Might be good to at least explore your options.
Detachment only gets you so far, though. Have you considered stepping AWAY from the insanity? If he's drinking continuously, after four months of rehab, it sounds as if he's had every opportunity to work on his recovery. Might be time to take action to protect yourself and your kids.
Have you talked with a lawyer? Might be good to at least explore your options.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,998
Argh Petat, it does sound like you have been through the wringer. Good on ya for making efforts to focus elsewhere: baking, shopping, time with kids.
As Lexie said above detachment of the mental/emotional type only gets you so far . . . . most of us have had to put some physical space between us and the drinker.
I have't read your previous posts; have you made it to an Alanon Meeting?
As Lexie said above detachment of the mental/emotional type only gets you so far . . . . most of us have had to put some physical space between us and the drinker.
I have't read your previous posts; have you made it to an Alanon Meeting?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 15
No I haven't been to an Al Anon meeting yet... read their website and know where to go for a meeting. Now I just need the courage to go.
As to leaving... we moved to another country for his dream job. I am not working, started looking into some options here but with the different language really difficult. I feel trapped in this situation.
I have suggested that he moves out for a while but he just refused and said there is no money for a flat which I understand.
In the mean time I'm trying to keep everything as normal as possible for my kids but they know exactly what is going on.
I need to take some hard decisions soon.
As to leaving... we moved to another country for his dream job. I am not working, started looking into some options here but with the different language really difficult. I feel trapped in this situation.
I have suggested that he moves out for a while but he just refused and said there is no money for a flat which I understand.
In the mean time I'm trying to keep everything as normal as possible for my kids but they know exactly what is going on.
I need to take some hard decisions soon.
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Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
You are in a bit of a bind, true.
Please try to get to that al anon meeting. It is an incredible source of support when we are feeling hopeless.
Your husband will not want to move out, even if there were money to do so.
And why should he? He gets to drink, while you get to take care of him and the kids.
Seriously, is this fair? Is this how you want to live? How you would like your kids to live?
As I may have mentioned, I grew up in an alcoholic household. I carried the ramifications of that well into adulthood.
If you want change, you have to make it.
Peace and good luck.
Please try to get to that al anon meeting. It is an incredible source of support when we are feeling hopeless.
Your husband will not want to move out, even if there were money to do so.
And why should he? He gets to drink, while you get to take care of him and the kids.
Seriously, is this fair? Is this how you want to live? How you would like your kids to live?
As I may have mentioned, I grew up in an alcoholic household. I carried the ramifications of that well into adulthood.
If you want change, you have to make it.
Peace and good luck.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Petat 
No I haven't been to an Al Anon meeting yet... read their website and know where to go for a meeting. Now I just need the courage to go.
My preconceptions of Al-Anon were so different than the reality. Took me about five different meetings to find one that spoke to me and having been attending for four months now, I can say that going to meetings has been the positive turning point in my relationship with my ABF. I love him dearly and he is still in my life, so Al-Anon is not about getting you to leave, nor is it a prep course for leaving. It's about finding more of you. It's about little by little, learning to live a life that is not centered around someone else - anyone else - no matter what that other person chooses to do. Some people do decide to make changes with their A, but with Al-Anon, those changes can come from a place of peace and stability instead of fear. When you make choices based in peace of mind, the unfolding events have a much more positive path and outcome than when you make choices out of fear and anger. This is just one way that Al-Anon can make a tremendous difference - the meetings give you a way to find a peaceful road on which to travel at your own pace. Al-Anon is about listening to your heart and soul, feeling your own feelings and finding tranquility that is yours, dependent on no one to bestow or to take away.
I find the program and more importantly, the people involved in the program, highly inspiring and very much in keeping with my own personal and spiritual values. I had to "find courage" to go to my first meeting because I was afraid of my many misconceptions about the program and the people. I continue to go to meetings because they have become a primary source of inspiration and positive focus for my life in general.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 15
Thanks so much for the advice. I will definitely go to a meeting.
I had to leave the house this evening as my hb just went off about something, started screaming and cursing. I just had to get away and are staying with friends for the night.
Will see what happens tomorrow as I have to go back, the kids are writing exams etc.
My friends told me I had to leave him and they mean well but I don't know if I'm ready.
I had to leave the house this evening as my hb just went off about something, started screaming and cursing. I just had to get away and are staying with friends for the night.
Will see what happens tomorrow as I have to go back, the kids are writing exams etc.
My friends told me I had to leave him and they mean well but I don't know if I'm ready.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Are your kids at home with him? Is that safe?
Think about the toll this is taking on them. Sometimes action is necessary, regardless of how "ready" we feel. Unfortunately, often something truly terrible has to happen before we FEEL ready. Wouldn't it be better to AVOID the disaster, rather than deal with the aftermath?
Think about the toll this is taking on them. Sometimes action is necessary, regardless of how "ready" we feel. Unfortunately, often something truly terrible has to happen before we FEEL ready. Wouldn't it be better to AVOID the disaster, rather than deal with the aftermath?
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