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One of the Hardest Parts

Old 06-03-2017, 03:32 AM
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One of the Hardest Parts

One thing that hurts is having to leave friends behind. The ones who can't or won't stop drinking. There are some who seem content to drink and dope themselves to death. Poor souls who see no other road ahead.

Then there are ones who express a strong desire to stop, but can't seem to do it.

One old friend I used to party hard with. A good guy, even if we almost never see one another anymore. We now live pretty far apart. He keeps trying and failing. I care about him, and I always here to talk, to lend support or strength. A couple of weeks ago he confessed that he now has a serious, life-threatening illness brought on directly from drinking. He said that now he has no choice.

I was heartbroken for him, but offered my help. What little I can do, anyway. No matter how much support we get, in the end it's only our own resolve that gets us through.

I texted him last weekend, on the holiday. I inquired as to how he was doing. A barely intelligible reply eventually came, saying that he would stop drinking after the weekend.

I've tried since then, but I haven't heard back.

I know that we can't save everyone and that we can only control ourselves, but it is a frustrating, helpless feeling. Part of me wants to drive all the way out there and shake him into sanity, but there are usually a lot of people there with him, drinking up. I don't need that sort of scene.
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Old 06-03-2017, 03:48 AM
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We nevet know where our paths may lead - ours or anyone elses.
I was in your friend's shoes once, maybe even worse, but I made it out.

I choose to believe there is always hope -for everyone who wants it

D
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Old 06-03-2017, 03:54 AM
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I think sometimes all we can do is to let them know we are there and then be the example they may one day grasp on to.
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Old 06-03-2017, 04:11 AM
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yes.

on the other hand, as I stand further and further away from the days of my drinking, I see my friendships from that time in a different light.

I come to realize that what Friendship REALLY is extends beyond the glasses and the bottles and the shared drinking experiences.

Those folks who drink alcohol and were / are actually my friends - wind up still in my life.

Those folks with whom my shared connection was really alcohol? I find that while from time to time I'll feel a little blue, miss them, wonder how they are - for the most part that wasn't really 'friendship'. It was drinking together. Someone to drink with. I moved on, they found other people to drink with. I eventually found connection with a smaller group, but in more meaningful ways.

Anyway, I can relate - but also wanted to offer a little turn of the lens in terms of how you may be looking at it.

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Old 06-03-2017, 04:16 AM
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Originally Posted by jazzfish View Post
I think sometimes all we can do is to let them know we are there and then be the example they may one day grasp on to.
This.

And what FreeOwl said.

I do hate it when I see people go back out, or when I see one very close friend, for example, drink even though he fully knows he is an alcoholic, has done different things to "stop" or control (ie only drinking at home when AL had a home game, so he wouldn't get drunk watching it at his fave bar - sigh)....BUT I say it often: I am ruthless about who gets a seat at my table, for real. Time, energy and emotion are rationed carefully in my world. This might sound ungenerous or snarly, and I am a very generous person in heart and soul, but I am even more protective of my sobriety- my emotional sobriety.

I don't understand spending time around "old friends" or former drinking buddies. I don't have the interest. Only people who are supportive of my sobriety and work for their own best lives (whether alcoholic or not) get my time and energy.

Bottom line regarding those who "should" get sober - it's not my side of the street and I have to maintain a line of caring distance.
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Old 06-03-2017, 04:22 AM
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I watched the shows called 'addicted' not sure if you have? And the host who is a recovered addict says to the family members, that 'as long as they are breathing, there is hope for a recovery'. I would hold onto that thought.

I didn't have many friends due to being new in my area, and the two that I made are heavy drinkers. one is happy to continue, and I told her I was quitting, well, I barely hear from her anymore. Depsite her saying she would support me and not drink around me. Well, she doesn't, because she doesn't text, invite me places or come to see me anymore. I really didn't expect that.

My other, wants to cut down and quit, but is finding it really hard. I don't know her level of commitment, so I support her. I don't want to cut her off, because she really is my only friend, which sounds ridiculous I know!! But when you move around a lot, its tough to make new friends, especially as I am a private home person.

I can only be there, and ikeep telling her what I'm doing when she asks, I try and be the influence that orders the water, but when she orders an alcoholic drink which is most times, I cant do anything, that's her choice. Her alcohol issue, is not mine, I cant take hers on as well as my own. But what I am grateful for, is that she doesn't only see me as her drinking buddy, we do plenty of sober stuff,I think she may be the only genuine friend I have had since my teens, that goes beyond alcohol, so she is worth standing by.

the relationships that change when you quit show friendships for what they really are. Its a real shame, but we have to look after ourselves first. You are doing great and I know the dilemma. I have hope for you and your friend!
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Old 06-03-2017, 04:48 AM
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I'm there for my friends. Some I have walked away from, as I indicated above. Not that I don't wish them well, but they tended to be users and took advantage of me and my generosity. People who contribute nothing and only take.

The person in question here? I am ALWAYS there to talk, to get together for a walk or dinner, to share my experiences with sobriety.

I also get together with some friends who drink too much. For instance, I met an old party buddy for a concert a few weeks ago. He had several cocktails at dinner beforehand. I had enough sobriety under my belt at the point that it didn't bother or tempt me in the least. That said, I won't go to his house while he and others are pounding drinks. I've turned down invitations where I knew the situation would be like that.

Also, I don't want to be that person who has quit drinking and now everyone in his or her vicinity also has to quit. Lecturing, gloating, etc. We've seen people like that, and few are more annoying.
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Old 06-03-2017, 07:56 AM
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You have a good heart livinghope. Caring about others is something we should all do. Unfortunately addiction is cruel and sometimes our efforts to help are futile. Be true to thy self.
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Old 06-03-2017, 08:16 AM
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I am getting sober while living in VERY close quarters with a severe alcoholic. My housemate.

When he first moved in he wasnt drinking, and I found out later he was going to AA at that time. But within a month he started up... Drinking those really big cans of Bud, and we are talking 7 or 8 of those every single day, often more, and many days he starts as early as noon.

He goes to work (carpentry) most days, and also goes to see his 5 year old child almost daily, sits him while the mother is at work.

I know that most of him wants out of the hell he is in. I can see how lost he is. And he seems absolutely and stonewalled convinced that he cannot do AA. I hate to say it, but I can't see him doing AA either. For one thing, I couldnt handle AA myself (there are beautiful aspects to AA, I grew up in AA, its like HOME to me, but it didnt seem to do the trick for my sobriety.. maybe down the road I will try it again... Gotta say all of that so no one gets angry me, lol.)
Anyway... He is doing poorly and he's come home recently with a bashed in bleeding face from a drunken fight (over NOTHING, with a passberby in the street!!).

Its not pretty.

He's a wonderful guy, though. Thats one of the most tragic things about it. He's got a wonderful heart... Honest, compassionate, witty, and he loves his kids.
He has also expressed a lot of interest in how I am getting sober. Unfortunately the guy isnt an internet type. Online based support seems an unlikely fit for him.

I know that he feels trapped, like I did.

Unfortunately, I am getting very close to the day when I will have to ask him to leave. I can't live with this stuff, especially now that I am sober.

These are the terrible consequences of his disease. And the only favor I actually CAN DO FOR HIM (besides letting him witness my own sober transformation, and giving him some resources if he should ask for those with the intention of stopping his active disease)... The only favor right now open to me to DO FOR HIM... IS TO KICK HIM OUT.

Its a favor, because it would be right in every single way to do it.

There is nothing GOOD in me giving him the right to live here while he is threatening my sobriety, while he is coming home bloody, while he is ringing my doorbell at 3 AM because he is too drunk to handle the the whole "house key business" (its very difficult, that fine hand motor movement required to operate keys, you know, and if youre seeing double, its damn near impossible). Its not good FOR HIM, that I allow it.

Consequences. Just the way it is.

I dont want drinking friends around me. I can love them, miss them at times, and pray for them. But its pretty clear that we arent going to fit together anymore.
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Old 06-03-2017, 09:57 AM
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Guard your sobriety, herculana. It's hard won.
Peace.
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Old 06-03-2017, 10:47 AM
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I am, thanks MC. The wheels have been set in motion to resolve this situation (finding a new housemate... its going to take two months, though).

But just FYI... His drinking doesnt make me want to drink. Its, frankly, completely repulsive to watch.

I could be headed to the extreme places he is going if I ever picked up again. Right now, he's only a reminder of THAT awful truth. I see nothing fun or charming about drinking with him around me. I only see scary and tragic.
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Old 06-03-2017, 11:10 AM
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My heart goes out to you and to your roommate. Its true, you cannot live like that. It sounds like your roommate cannot either, but he has his own path. May he find the strength needed to get sober. May you find the strength needed to make positive changes in your home environment.
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Old 06-03-2017, 11:41 AM
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thank you that actually means a lot to me. Your compassion and insight into the delicacy of the situation is impressive and very welcomed <3

And for anyone reading ... I want to make it clear that I NEVER speak badly about AA to him. I think he should try to go back, because it honestly might be the only way for him. So i encourage him to try again whenever it comes up.
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