herculana

Just a check in. Its evening and I am keeping busy doing stuff. At two weeks sober now.

Deeper fears and sadness have emerged tonight. A bit of loneliness. Big longer term life fears.
That kinda thing.
I am not one for regrets usually (they are a waste... whats done is done), but I am feeling some regret tonight about the way the last 10 years have been for me. The things Ive let go of... The friendships I hid from so hard that they were strangled by absence and withered away to nothing.

Other people having babies or watching their kids go off to college.

I don't have kids. Wanted them, but romance was pretty repeatedly heart-breaking and I didnt do it very well, but not for lack of trying.
I was just as confused about that WHOLE THING as anyone.

Life can be PRETTY confusing, can't it be?

We run around ... flying by the seat of our pants so often. Or... I did.

*sigh*

Life feels bittersweet.

New things will emerge in my life now... In sobriety... And they will be rich. I will have richness and its going to be really hard in a lot of ways, too.

TO FEEL.

But in the meantime... This is that in-between time of states of life and being in the world.

I am in-between. Fixing all the little broken bits and fitting them together.

And I might be sad at times, doing that, I suppose.

Thanks <3

PhoenixJ

Sigh in inbetween land...well Herc, at least you are not alone...

herculana

Thanks Pheonix. <3

Youre right.
We are in it together.

I fell into a bit of a pity pot ... I suppose.

Acheleus

Patience is our sanity-old teacher of mine

You are growing! When I entered recovery I had no idea how much I would develop emotionally, physically, and mentally. Try not to force things and just let it happen.

Dee74

Herculana,
I could never have dreamt of or planned for the life I'm leading - mostly because I could never have conceived of the person I've become.

But..it's a good life - and very often a great one, and I'm grateful for it.

Its ok to be sad - but don't miss out on today through dwelling too much in yesterday

columbus

Sending love your way.

"This is that in-between time of states of life and being in the world."

It's an awkward, awkward time, esp. as we age.

herculana

Thank you, everyone.

I am not even CLOSE to drinking.

Someone recently talked about how much TIME was freed up by becoming sober. Alcohol took a lot of our time.

So yeah, though I don't want to drink... there is this void or space now... And ITS WELCOME, but I dont quite know what to do with it yet.

I loved your words Dee... Thank you... I can't conceive of how different things are going to be, and how different I will be... Good to know. And Acheleus (Another Greek, I see)... Thanks, too... Patience. Yes.

Okay. I trust you guys

columbus

"there is this void or space now... And ITS WELCOME, but I dont quite know what to do with it yet."

It's a gift.

Unwrap it.

cellardoor77

Thanks for sharing, Herculana. I can relate to SO much of what you wrote. The only thing I keep telling myself is that I have no idea what the future holds, and just to take it one day at a time for now. Let things unfold the way they are supposed to, once I begin to gain greater insight. Hope and a little blind faith I suppose. I personally get caught up in trying to think too far into the future, and right now there are just too many questions I don't have answers to, or even questions that I don't even know to ask yet. I'm personally finding that some things have a way of revealing themselves (although slowly) if I don't try to think my way out of it (which has often got me in trouble). This is just what feels right for me. Everyone is at a different spot in there journey, and I wish you the best in yours.

herculana

Columbus.. "It's a gift.... Unwrap it."
You must have known I'd LOVE THAT <3

Wise. Will do. Trying.

And thanks CellarDoor... Also wise words.

Just sharing here helps so much with every little in and out of this thing.

ITS SO GOOD to talk to you folks.

teatreeoil007

I had an hour long visit with a young lady last night. Mid twenties. Right now in her life she is where she wants to BE (& where she needs to be) but perhaps not where she wants to STAY. (if that makes sense).

And you know, I'm not sure that type of confluence ever truly goes away....think about it.

Things happen in our lives. We make great changes....or little changes...but usually there is always some sort of change going on one way or the other. Just when we are sort of done with one "stage"...then comes another stage...and just when we have sort of battened down the hatches and prepared for one storm, another storm blows through-maybe rolling in from the east instead of the west like we thought it would.

So, how did I help that young lady last night? I gave her a little pep talk, not in a "you should just be thankful" kind of way....but I just tried to plant a seed in her mind that not everything is as it may appear to be...and even though you are not exactly where you think you should END UP in life; you are where you are right now and you can use this time to explore your talents. Because right NOW in her life she doesn't have kids and having kids can be a real game changer.

herculana

Teatree... Interesting. Thank you.

Gonna ponder what youve said here.