Alone & Scared - day one here
Corso
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2
Alone & Scared - day one here
Hello all: I'm a bit nervous about this step but after all else I've tried, am hopeful I'll acquire a few ideas of how to proceed. I am married to an alcoholic. My 3rd marriage and his 2nd. I have a my own son in his early 30s fighting (and successfully winning drug abuse). We went thru huge financial and emotional losses in working thru his experiences.
I practically raised my husband's daughter. Her mother remarried a very rigid man and that family dynamic fell apart. So, I have been her surrogate Mom since she was 10 (she's now 19). But I've been her step mom since she was 5.
My spouse and I met on match.com. He had a great job, as did I and we fell in love and married. Fast forward thru my sons dive into alcoholism then drugs then desert rehab and then private school treatment/rehab.... then years of incarceration and relapse. My son's powerful Dad enabled such destruction.
Meanwhile, I raised my step daughter. We are close and she is succeeding in the achievement of her goals. I haven't worked in several years. Am college degreed but have been impacted by my husbands fluctuating employment and the needs of parentdom.
My spouse was fired from his first job 4 yrs ago unfairly. He had been with his company for over 18 yrs and he virtually built the organization from the ground up! He was scouted by similar company in the same field to help build their brand - that lasted 16 months and then he quit.....slowly drinking increased from one bottle of wine alone, to two, then three.
He got another similar job but with serious sales demands and lasted there less than a yr and a half before being fired. He's unemployed.
We were evicted from our home.....and are living by the graciousness of my daughter's boyfriends parents in their 5th wheel trailer. My car was repossessed, and we're using my daughter's car gifted to her from her grandfather.
My husband is very aware of his alcoholism but can't function wo/liquor throughout the day. Our medical insurance is gone and I am mentally supported by my two Italian Mastiffs. They are my lifeline to sanity and love.
We're living on unemployment-ck #3. But the end is near. My husband can be verbally abusive, throw and break things, shove a bit but that's all. Mainly he just sleeps.
I am an only child, my parents are dead (I'm 54) and he's (58).....with deceased parents. I have maybe 1-2 friends but he has way more. He's been interviewing for a job and just slept through an interview. Screamed at me when I asked him if he was drunk and slept thru the interview time.
My daughter (I never call my step-daughter a step except when initially explaining our relationship) endured his drinking through her high school years. She acquired a knowledge of his problems over time through his treatment of me, his employment issues, his increased sleeping, his staggering around, his embarrassing diatribes with guests, etc...
So, married but alone. My daughter is counseling at a camp for three months in New York - we live in San Antonio Texas. So, she is safe. The roof over my head is precarious at best. Just before we lost insurance coverage I was diagnosed with a couple of very painful medical problems. So, I'm overwhelmed, lost and alone.
I practically raised my husband's daughter. Her mother remarried a very rigid man and that family dynamic fell apart. So, I have been her surrogate Mom since she was 10 (she's now 19). But I've been her step mom since she was 5.
My spouse and I met on match.com. He had a great job, as did I and we fell in love and married. Fast forward thru my sons dive into alcoholism then drugs then desert rehab and then private school treatment/rehab.... then years of incarceration and relapse. My son's powerful Dad enabled such destruction.
Meanwhile, I raised my step daughter. We are close and she is succeeding in the achievement of her goals. I haven't worked in several years. Am college degreed but have been impacted by my husbands fluctuating employment and the needs of parentdom.
My spouse was fired from his first job 4 yrs ago unfairly. He had been with his company for over 18 yrs and he virtually built the organization from the ground up! He was scouted by similar company in the same field to help build their brand - that lasted 16 months and then he quit.....slowly drinking increased from one bottle of wine alone, to two, then three.
He got another similar job but with serious sales demands and lasted there less than a yr and a half before being fired. He's unemployed.
We were evicted from our home.....and are living by the graciousness of my daughter's boyfriends parents in their 5th wheel trailer. My car was repossessed, and we're using my daughter's car gifted to her from her grandfather.
My husband is very aware of his alcoholism but can't function wo/liquor throughout the day. Our medical insurance is gone and I am mentally supported by my two Italian Mastiffs. They are my lifeline to sanity and love.
We're living on unemployment-ck #3. But the end is near. My husband can be verbally abusive, throw and break things, shove a bit but that's all. Mainly he just sleeps.
I am an only child, my parents are dead (I'm 54) and he's (58).....with deceased parents. I have maybe 1-2 friends but he has way more. He's been interviewing for a job and just slept through an interview. Screamed at me when I asked him if he was drunk and slept thru the interview time.
My daughter (I never call my step-daughter a step except when initially explaining our relationship) endured his drinking through her high school years. She acquired a knowledge of his problems over time through his treatment of me, his employment issues, his increased sleeping, his staggering around, his embarrassing diatribes with guests, etc...
So, married but alone. My daughter is counseling at a camp for three months in New York - we live in San Antonio Texas. So, she is safe. The roof over my head is precarious at best. Just before we lost insurance coverage I was diagnosed with a couple of very painful medical problems. So, I'm overwhelmed, lost and alone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Corso. Welcome.
I am sorry that you are in such difficulty right now.
You will find support here.
It's good that your son and daughter are doing well.
One less worry.
Sadly, your husband's drinking is not within your control.
You can, however, control some other things in your life.
Have you been to any Al-Anon meetings? It is a fellowship for people troubled by a loved one's drinking.
It can be a great source of support.
Keep coming back, keep posting. I know others will be along to welcome you soon.
I am sorry that you are in such difficulty right now.
You will find support here.
It's good that your son and daughter are doing well.
One less worry.
Sadly, your husband's drinking is not within your control.
You can, however, control some other things in your life.
Have you been to any Al-Anon meetings? It is a fellowship for people troubled by a loved one's drinking.
It can be a great source of support.
Keep coming back, keep posting. I know others will be along to welcome you soon.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
Hi Corso 
I'm really sorry for what brings you here but I know you'll find support here
Kinda sounds to me like you're preparing to leave?
do your medical issues preclude you getting a job?
D
I'm really sorry for what brings you here but I know you'll find support here
Kinda sounds to me like you're preparing to leave?
do your medical issues preclude you getting a job?
D
Corso
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2
Thank you for responding
No, not leaving....just trying to flesh things out.
I'm eager to work but was relying on his employvto determine where we'd settle down. Clearly, I need to focus on a different set of priorities.
I'm eager to work but was relying on his employvto determine where we'd settle down. Clearly, I need to focus on a different set of priorities.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
Ok sorry I got the wrong end of the stick Corso.
I was in a relationship where my ex got mad and threw things too - ended very badly.... so maybe I projected a little bit.
If you're not leaving, and your husband doesn't want to change, and you can't find the money to get him to see a Dr who might be able to help him cope with his day without liquor, I'm not sure what you can do but try and work around all that for now.
Focus on yourself and things you can change.
Maybe you finding support for yourself will spur him to change too?
Alanon will be good for you I think
D
I was in a relationship where my ex got mad and threw things too - ended very badly.... so maybe I projected a little bit.
If you're not leaving, and your husband doesn't want to change, and you can't find the money to get him to see a Dr who might be able to help him cope with his day without liquor, I'm not sure what you can do but try and work around all that for now.
Focus on yourself and things you can change.
Maybe you finding support for yourself will spur him to change too?
Alanon will be good for you I think
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
I'm sorry for your situation.
Verbal abuse and pushing is abuse. Abuse is unacceptable and I hope that you understand you do not have to live this way. Please make use of the information below and take care of yourself:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Abuse Defined
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support
Verbal abuse and pushing is abuse. Abuse is unacceptable and I hope that you understand you do not have to live this way. Please make use of the information below and take care of yourself:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | Abuse Defined
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,184
Originally Posted by Corso 
No, not leaving....just trying to flesh things out.
I'm eager to work but was relying on his employvto determine where we'd settle down. Clearly, I need to focus on a different set of priorities.
I'm eager to work but was relying on his employvto determine where we'd settle down. Clearly, I need to focus on a different set of priorities.
I do agree with other contributers that he is showing signs of abusive behavior which I hope does not get any worse. I wish you all the best.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 336
I'm sorry you're alone at this time. You were just diagnosed with some painful medical problems, are there any groups/meetings in your area where you can get some support from others that share the same problems? Or like Maudcat suggests, an Al-anon meeting?
There's a forum area here for friends and family of alcoholics that you can take a look at.
*hugs
There's a forum area here for friends and family of alcoholics that you can take a look at.
*hugs
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,759
Welcome to the family. 
You can't do anything about his drinking, but you can look after yourself and set boundaries of what you will and will not tolerate. AlAnon might be very helpful for you in dealing with his drinking, and yes, abuse. 
You can't do anything about his drinking, but you can look after yourself and set boundaries of what you will and will not tolerate. AlAnon might be very helpful for you in dealing with his drinking, and yes, abuse. 
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