China2012

Hi All,

I have been reading here for a couple of years and finally decided to post. I have been going to Al Anon since last summer and it has helped me immensely. My adult son is sober from alcohol for several years and gave up weed last year.

I have embraced detaching with love, my problem is I just don't like him right now, love him, of course he is my son, but the behavior... I am having trouble with his continued lying even though he is sober and working an AA program. I understand it's part of the disease it is just very hard to be around the manipulation. His go to saying is "I am doing the best I can" considering his behavior this appears to be AA talk that is being tossed around when he is backed in a corner and doesn't want to to do the right thing.

I am working on boundaries so I don't get drawn in. I have distanced myself with minimal contact, but I have this pesky voice in my head that wonders if I am being punitive to him. I wasn't 100% sure about my new approach and had given my burden to my Higher Power. Then yesterday at a meeting we were reading Tradition 5 and then one of our Al Anon members shared that their adult child had suddenly died. This was shocking news and changed my perspective. What if that was my child and I had been giving him the cold shoulder? I didn't go home and text or call but I felt sad that we are distanced from one another.

Clearly it bothers me or I wouldn't be reaching out. I had a meeting earlier and spoke with my sponsor today. She validated that yes, they continue to lie even after getting sober, it is a slow process. And also to make a gratitude list and continue to maintain my boundaries.

I suppose I am just sad that it has come to this. In order to protect myself I have to distance myself, I don't know how to be in a relationship with someone who continues to blatantly lie.

Dee74

Hi and welcome China

Our Family and Friends member will probably be of more help to you., but my personal story is a great many years spent lying - even before I started drinking - sometimes for no reason but usually so as to not 'get into trouble'.

In recovery I've learned to take responsibility for my life and my decisions.
I've no need to lie anymore

I hope your son will grow in his recovery and in himself and come to shoulder that same kind of responsibilty

D

Berrybean

Hmm, I'm not sure that anyone in AA has ever told me that justifying lies with I'm doing the best I can" cuts it. When you say he's working the program, do you mean he's doing step work with a sponsor, or that he's going to meetings.

Also, what kind of things is he lying about. (Not details, just a vague idea).
Is he living with you.?

BB

Mizzuno

Has he had trouble with honesty in general? Throughout his life? Not everything we do is because of addictions or recovery from addictions, in my opinion. This could be part of his character that needs to be addressed and maybe he is unable to be honest with you for various reasons. I am not sure with his sober time that it revolves around his addiction? (Just from reading the very small amount of info posted on an internet forum) Are you willing to go talk with a professional and see if your son is willing to join you?

Anna

I lied as a child to hide the abuse going on in my home. Lying became second nature to me. But, when I began recovery I stopped lying. I don't know why your son continues to lie.

Verdantia

I grew up in a household where my father was an alcoholic and my mom (who was a teetotaler) enabled him greatly. He was in the USAF and my mom was afraid he'd get kicked out so she turned into super Air Force wife, volunteering, singing in the church choir, being a Brownie leader.....anything to make us look like the perfect family. Of course it was a lie. Lying was encouraged; I certainly couldn't tell my friend dad was passed out in the couch and couldn't let me in the house (I was 10 years old, in upstate NY, in January and it was freezing) so of course I lied that he wasn't home when my friend had me come home with him. I certainly couldn't let on to his parents that my dad was a drunk. Lying became acceptable. It took me a long time to become honest, especially with myself. I wish you the best with your son and your relationship. Early sobriety is a time of painful learning and reflection; I hope your son maintains his sobriety and your relationship can be repaired. It is very difficult.

China2012

Thanks for replying I tried to post twice but for some reason it doesn't get posted. So her I go again I am tired of writing this but I want to reply so it will be brief.

He started lying when he was in junior high school when he started smoking pot.
Neither his father (deceased) or I are alcoholics. He had a nice childhood and was a good kid.

He lies mostly about money but does tell tall tales to me as well as friends and family.

He doesn't live with me. He works 3 jobs but he still has no license, no car, but drives GF car, she lets him use it because he makes the car payment. GF quit alcohol but still smokes pot , no program for her. In regards to driving the car he says his sponsor says be careful. When I have asked what his sponsor has to say about some of his choices he will say that he asks him are you doing your best.? I don't ask anymore it is none of my business and it just makes no sense that anyone would give that type of advice.

He has worked the steps and does have a sponsor he even had a sponsee. He was going to 4 meetings a week.

Hope I covered it all and this posts!