Luluroses

Hey,

This is my first time posting in a forum. I have suffered with anxiety for about two years now (diagnosed by my doctor)and at times it is completely overwhelming. In particular when I drink I find that the anxiety the next day can be unbearable, especially if I black out.

I drink maybe three times a month, but when I do I drink far too much, blackout, and the next day I am in an awful way wondering "What if...." etc...always thinking the worst.

Due to my profession it is extremely important to maintain a professional image both at work and also whilst not at work and this also contributes to the absolute fear I have the next day always thinking I have done something absolutely awful.

I am in a relationship for a year now and I love my boyfriend to bits. I would never cheat on him. After I blackout I always convince myself that I could have cheated on him, even though I'd have absolutely no recollections of kissing anyone on the night out. I then have to ask all my friends about the night before did I do anything stupid or that I would regret...and I am repeatedly told by trustworthy friends that I haven't done anything wrong and to stop worrying. I would get images in my head and build on them constantly for weeks and months convincing myself of the worst.

I know to stop drinking would help with my anxiety a huge amount and I plan on doing that. I do know that I create false memories in my head..and I have repeatedly questioned myself wondering maybe they're not false, maybe I'm creating an excuse for bad behaviour.

Last year I was on a day trip(with work) and I met an old friend from college who is in the same profession. I said hello and we both spoke in a professional manner as we were both aware that we had to act professional as we were surrounded by colleagues. After meeting her I had convinced myself 100% that I had hugged her and that it was completely unacceptable and I was actually horrified and I thought she would be angry at me etc for making her look unprofessional also. I messaged her that evening and I said I'm so sorry for hugging you like that when we were both at work it probably looked really unprofessional and she was actually like "What are you talking about"...it had never happened, I had never hugged her, but I completely convinced myself that I had and i was hung up on it for a whole day worrying. I actually was so relieved and that was the first time I actually had proof that I can make up scenarios in my head as a result of the anxiety. I just said I'd let you know because I constantly suffer from false memories and I know how it feels.

I cannot wait for the day to come when I get a hold of this once and for all and not let is consume me. If anyone has any advice I would love to hear also. This forum is great. Thanks

starstarstar

I don't think I've experienced false memories, but have gone through the overwhelming anxiety after drinking too much. I can see where all those doom/gloom thoughts might lead to memories like that. Anxiety is horrid. It really does improve greatly with some time away from drinking.

PhoenixJ

Hey Lulu, welcome. Anxiety is my constant companion which is tied in with lifelong depression and low self esteem.. Alcohol is an amplifier for these. I NEED counselling for this. Meeting help with sobriety and taking the edge of the anxiety. Support to you.

least

Welcome to the family. The anxiety is a part of withdrawal and goes away gradually the longer you're sober. If you never drink again, you won't have that awful anxiety.