SoberSam

Today I'm working on 17 days sober and so is my husband. We quit together. For the most part we've gotten along great but the past few days I've seen a huge turn around in his behaviour towards me. He doesn't seem to care that he's upsetting and disrespecting me and would rather throw our marriage away then fix the issues. I will let him know something is bothering or upsetting me and instead of talking to me about it he lashes out and tries to throw blame on me and just generally doesn't seem to care how it affects me. I'm at a loss of what to do. I have taken my wedding ring off for the time being. I know I will not drink as my sobriety is hugely important to me but I was wondering how common it is for marriages to fall apart after getting sober? I certainly hope he comes around and becomes more understanding as I would hate to throw away my marriage but I refuse to stay much longer if I am not being respected.

ScottFromWI

Congrats on 17 days sober first off, that's no small feat. Regarding your marriage, people do tend to change once they get sober and it can be challenging to say the least. If you aren't able to discuss things with each other respecfully, perhaps you could consider involving a marriage counselor?

Maudcat

Welcome, SoberSam.
Very, very early days for you both.
How about tabling relationship issues/discussions for the time being?
Work on your sobriety. Let him work on his.
Do you feel safe in your home?
If not, I would leave or call law enforcement.

Chaplain30

You two should hawe children its why.

Maudcat

Chaplain, are you ok?

Nonsensical

17 days without a drink is awesome - but if you were a persistent drinker then it is going to be several more months before the effects of the alcohol are out of your system and no longer influencing your behavior. Don't mistake how you (or your husband) feel now as how you are going to feel when you are truly alcohol free.

I wouldn't try to have too many serious conversations for a while.

Best of Luck on Your Journey!

Berrybean

Completely agree with Nonsensical on this one. (Maybe we need a name change to Sensical).

You're both likely to be feeling pretty restless, irritable and discontent at this time. I'd suggest giving each other some space. Maybe head out to some meetings or a walk in the country. You know those old drunken arguments that never got anyone anywhere. Well, the same goes for early-recovery arguments. It soon turns to point scoring and threats. Much better to say "I love you too much to have this argument, so I'm taking a time-out. See you in an hour. " Try not to think of it as winners and losers in these arguments. As soon as either of you aren't coming from a place of love and compassion there can be no winners. If your marriage can be saved by one or both of you backing down when the others heckles are up while you find your sober-feet then it's worth doing.

I've recently started reading a fantastic book about the 5 Love Languages by someone called Dr Gary Chapman which I'd wholeheartedly recommend, as a relationship that has formerly been alcoholic will need some work on identifying a new way to make things work. This is what others say about the book (and I agree with)..."Unhappiness in marriage often has a simple root cause: we speak different love languages, believes Dr. Gary Chapman. While working as a marriage counselor for more than 30 years, he identified five love languages: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. In a friendly, often humorous style, he unpacks each one. Some husbands or wives may crave focused attention; another needs regular praise. Gifts are highly important to one spouse, while another sees fixing a leaky faucet, ironing a shirt, or cooking a meal as filling their "love tank." Some partners might find physical touch makes them feel valued: holding hands, giving back rubs, and sexual contact. Chapman illustrates each love language with real-life examples from his counseling practice.... Although some readers may find choosing to love a spouse that they no longer even like –hoping the feelings of affection will follow later– a difficult concept to swallow, Chapman promises that the results will be worth the effort. "Love is a choice," says Chapman. "And either partner can start the process today.""

Early sobriety is no time for making any life-changing decisions, but it's worth being prepared for having to leave the house in a hurry so you're not leaving the house for time out without what you need (as I've done in the past). Maybe pop some essentials in the boot of your car and have a think of good safe places to go and calm down ahead of time while you can think clearly.

Things will get easier.
BB

Awake61

Hi - I'm working on lasting sobriety too. My spouse has been alcohol and heroin free for years. Yet He simply is unable to understand why I have had such a difficult time. Says I'm weak. Well, I'm done trying to explain anything to him. Instead, my family has been listening, my boss has been completely understanding. I just don't listen to my husband's snide remarks. At one point we had a solid marriage. Maybe again.

SoberSam

Thank you for all the replies, they all had wonderful advice. I will do my best to take the advice given and use it. I truely want my marriage to work. Hopefully when our minds are in a better place he will be willing to work on our marriage with me. Fingers crossed the problems don't pile up too much before then. Happy sober day to all!

CreativeThinker

Hi SoberSam,

I can totally relate to your story as my husband and I quit at the same time too. Not easy is an understatement. Both of us were on edge in the beginning. Then, he slipped and began hiding his drinking. As you can imagine, him hiding his drinking presented an entirely new set of arguments.

Luckily, before we stopped drinking I called a therapist and scheduled our first appointment 30 days from our quit date. Glad I did because at that point we were in a really bad place. Things were so bad that I was preparing to leave. Between our sessions with the therapist, me remaining in recovery and my husband continuing to make sobriety stick, we're in a much better place. Things aren't perfect, but we're working together to resolve issues in our marriage that have been lingering for many years.

Like others have said, you are still in the early stages of recovery. It's hard enough to go through the mood swings alone. Say nothing about dealing with a partner, who is going through the same. Ugh!

Check out the friends and family forum here on SR. There's a lot of helpful information there in how to detach and focus on your own recovery, while your husband is working on his.

Hang in there...and continue to put your sobriety above anything else.
Things will eventually level out.

tomsteve

im not sure if this is a serious statement but i hope not.
rather insane to say lack of children is why someone new to sobriety is having problems becuase they dont have children.

tomsteve

is it something that he is doing what you bring up thats bothering you?

AnvilheadII

two people 17 days sober living under the same roof is a recipe for chaos and misunderstandings!!! i'm not surprised things are a bit sketchy at the moment, but i think it's a bit early to call the marriage OVER and take your rings off?? unless................you sort of wanted to all along?

see how it's going in six months........then at 12 months.

SoberSam

I also hope it's not a true statement and that the individual who said it is doing okay. Just to clarify though my husband and I do have 2 children together.

SoberSam

It's just his lack of overall respect and honesty towards me lately. Not one thing in particular. Him and I had many trust issues years ago and we worked through them but now I'm seeing some of the same signs again and I spoke to him about it in hopes that I could fix things before they became bad again. I definetly don't want to go through the hurt I once did. When I mention it to him he reverses it back onto me saying that I just can't let the past go when its not directly about the past now but more so just the same type of behaviour he had then. Perhaps I'm coming off as blaming him when I try to avoid doing that but I have been known to express myself badly before. Sorry if this doesn't make much sence. I really don't feel like getting into details as it would take ages to explain. I worry about him giving up his sobriety too as a result of our arguments. Ugh. Such an awful situation. He did however try to discuss things earlier but had to leave for work so maybe just maybe he just needed some space to clear his thoughts. Fingers crossed. He knows how I feel so I will allow him to come to me when he's ready. When I posted this it was more becayse I had to vent somewhere. I really didn't want to hold it in and cause myself to be stressed because that was always why I drank.

SoberSam

You're absolutly right. I wrote this as I needed to vent before I stressed myself out. Stress was always why I drank before. I have since put my ring back on. He knows how I feel and I will leave it to him to come to me to discuss things when he's ready. I definetly don't want to give up on my marriage, I just hope he doesn't want too either. We've had issues in the past and he's been acting the way he use to so it bothered me. I may have over reacted by removing my rings and jumping right to divorce but from reading other comments it sounds like moodswings are common and I guess I need to give him the benefit of the doubt too. I hope that its just his early sobriety making him act this way. Fingers crossed.

tomsteve

understandable sobersam. on that issue, i encourage you to visit the friends and family forum here.

as for myself, start talking to me about how i was who i was after 2 weeks sober(after YEARS of self medicating with alcohol)and i would have gotten frustrated and angry. because i didnt know why i was how i was who i was and had a low self esteem so ANYTHING that came from anyone- in my head- was destructive criticism. i responded with anger.

JoyfulNewMe

I know exactly what you are talking about in regards to being concerned about his behavior and it reminding you of how he has acted in the past. I'm going through the same thing with my husband and when I confront him he flips out and says I can't move on from the past and then flips it all around to put the blame on me. When he responds like this it's another huge red flag to me that he IS lying about it and that I'm probobly right. It's just so frustrating because I basically if I want to stay with him I have to pretend that it isn't really going on and that he's not lying to me which literally kills me bad I'm not good at it. Or I can't be with him anymore. In our case meth is his issue. Apparently before we met he was a heavy user but he never told me and lied about it when we met. Then after 1 child together and 8 years of marriage he started acting really different. I eventually came to believe that he was on some type of drug and constantly questioned him and he would get very mad and debt deny deny. Finally months later I found my answer, a meth pipe. We went through a lot of hard scary stuff after that but I went back to him and I think he's using again. Refuses to take a drug test that I have and just flips out on me and really disrespects me when I try to get him to be honest about it with me. I don't have any good suggestions for you but I'm sorry for what you guys are going through.