darlacfp

H is coming up on 3 years sober (as far as I know anyway) after many years of active alcoholism including 2 DUIs and multiple outpatient rehab stints. Last week I discovered an iced tea bottle with gin in it and confronted him. I know he's been going through extreme stress with work and on top of that he and I are having some serious issues, and he said that he wasn't able to sleep because of all the stress and bought the gin a week prior and used it to go to sleep, one drink over 4 different nights. He says he realized it was wrong after drink #4, he just hadn't dumped it yet but planned to, he didn't like how it made him feel, he didn't want to go back to drinking, and now he really knows he can never have even one drink.

I had decided 3 years ago after he got sober after the last DUI that if he drank again it was over, because I was done with crazy. Now that it's happened, because of the circumstances I'm feeling like I drove him to it (I know, I didn't) and if it really was just 4 drinks that he learned from, it may be just a bump in the road in his sobriety. Funny thing is, I was waiting for my "out" but it feels like I'd be kicking him for taking that drink when if it hadn't been for the stress our marriage is going through he would have never done it. He's not blaming me but he does say it was that extreme stress that did it, the things we were fighting over were a trigger from his first marriage and he couldn't take it, but any other circumstances would not have driven him to that point. Even if I had died (I asked him lol).

Anyway, is it a "thing" that alcoholics can slip like that briefly and go back to sobriety, having been more convinced than before it's what they want?

firebolt

Sure, it happens....but I don't know that it usually happens after getting busted by the spouse. ..

His actions after this are going to be pretty telling. Keep taking care of you, how he deals with this will be clear by what he does - not by what he says.

Are you prepared to stick by your boundary?

LexieCat

Agreed, it happens. But whether this was the ONLY drinking he's done is debatable. He fessed up because you caught him, not because he was interested in keeping you informed.

I also agree that you'll find out pretty quickly whether this is a slip or an outright return to drinking.

One thing--you did NOT cause his return to drinking, nor did the stress cause it. Life is full of stressors. The problem is that if the stress somehow was associated with his drinking, he obviously is missing some details in his recovery program.

Ariesagain

Those two sentences don't add up.

You were having serious marital problems even with him "sober"and you were looking for a reason to end the marriage.

He chose to drink for several days (in drunk math, BTW "4 days" is never actually four days) until you found out.

You wanted to end the marriage with him sober. It makes no sense that you'd stay because he relapsed, yes?

darlacfp

Yes you are right, it doesn't make sense and it confuses me. I "know" I'm not responsible but at the same time I feel responsible. If it was this short thing because of our fighting then (irrationally) I feel guilty for ending it. If it were because his boss yelled or the dog ran away, then I wouldn't (at least I think not). But because it's about me and if it was a quick thing then the guilt hits. On the other hand, if it's been going on for months or continues, then I feel like it's more justifiable to end it. I know it makes no sense and that's why I'm here.... so thank you

darlacfp

LexieCat, somehow I missed that obvious point. I was focused on him saying he was planning to dump it out anyway but never once did he say he was planning to tell me about it. Wow.

AnvilheadII

I had decided 3 years ago after he got sober after the last DUI that if he drank again it was over

he drank again. and if you had not caught him red-handed he'd still be drinking. again.

you didn't cause this.
work didn't cause this.
marital troubles didn't cause this.

in about as sober as a frame of mind as he is going to get, he CHOOSE to use alcohol again. knowing what he knows, knowing where it leads.

Ariesagain

"Plannng to dump it out anyway" is not the same as "I dumped it out, told you about it, called my sponsor/therapist, and went to a meeting."

And the "if I got caught" is silent.

darlacfp

And in the middle of his week of having 4 drinks, he actually saw his therapist and they decided he was doing so well he only needs to come once a month now.

darlacfp

Thank you....

atalose

This is how you enter into the cycle of “give them another chance”. Looks like you will need a new boundary to go with this third chance. Clearly your drink again and it's over boundary doesn't hold any water.

LexieCat

There ya go. He's lying to the therapist, too.

aliciagr

I think you need to be careful about jumping in and projecting top much at this point. Addiction is a condition that is susceptible to slips or relapses. Stress can be a trigger. I think the only conclusion that can really be drawn from this is that your husband is facing some tough emotional times and is struggling to deal with it. Of course there is a concern it will turn into a full blown relapse. I would be extra concerned if he just reduced his therapy sessions because it could be a sign he is not rationalizing whats going on inside himself in relation to stress, how to cope, risk of drinking. Ask him what his plan is (and why he reduced his therapy). There is a mental, emotional component to all of this and I would personally focus on his overall health and not just the drink at this hopefully, early stage.

I would use whatever precautions you feel are necessary for yourself and your kids in case this turns into a relapse.

FallenAngelina

The minute you get into monitoring his drinking or looking out for "one more slip up," you're sunk (in my experience.) I've found that it's much better to make choices and evaluate a relationship based on behavior and feelings, not on drinking. When you base your choices (or reactions) around whether he is drinking, then you set yourself up for all kinds of silly explanations and secrecy. Then you're all wadded up over trying to figure out the explanations and secrecy - not focused on what the relationship is all about.

If you've been looking for your "out," why are you still "in?" Don't monitor him for a slip up, don't look to a drink (or four) to give you an excuse to make choices about what you want. Evaluate the relationship based on your experience of the relationship and make choices that feel right for you. As it is, your life revolves around his alcohol use, whether he is drinking or not. If he's been sober for three years, yet the relationship is unpleasant for you, you don't need "one more slip up" to give you permission to opt out.

steve-in-kville

You're a spouse of an alcoholic, not a Private Investigator. And this coming from someone who hide his drinking for many years: being sneaky will only causes him to get sneakier. Its all a race to the bottom. If you want out, then just get out. Playing games will only make it more painful for all involved.

Like I said, this coming from someone who played the other side of the game.

darkling

I'm a "double-winner," so here's my take from both points of view.

What are you trying to decide? You've already made THE decision. Maybe sit down and really remember the craziness that led you to make that decision in the first place. The lies, the sneaking around, passive/aggressive behaviors have already started happening again. I'd go so far as to wonder if that is not THE reason things haven't been going too well relationship-wise.
[FWIW, I'm in the exact same place.]


I know someone who, after 19 years of being sober, had one beer. That was a relapse and he began his count over. He's back up to 18 years again. Of the hundreds of people I've met in my recovery, he is the single, solitary exception that i have ever heard of.

"Stress" is never an excuse. I know a great many sober alcoholics who have walked with grace thru much more horrible situations than a fight with a spouse.

Four drinks is a conscious decision.

LexieCat

I personally know someone whose very young child tragically died when this person was in EARLY sobriety (a few months, I think), and he called his AA peeps, who surrounded him with support. He didn't drink. My first husband stayed sober when our son committed an act that landed him in the juvenile justice system for over a year. He also stayed sober through our divorce, which he did not want, but he doubled down on meetings and work with his sponsor, as well as seeking help from a therapist to process the emotions.

Stress does not CAUSE anyone to drink. Alcoholism does that.

Ariesagain

To carry the "logic" further...if he's relapsed, you feel like you have to stay. If he hasn't really relapsed, you're ultimately going to leave?

So...if he wants you to stay, he should just keep relapsing?

In animal training world, we have a saying that as trainers, you have to be really careful as to what behavior you're rewarding. Same here, maybe?

darlacfp

Actually my crazy thinking is if it was just a slip I should stay because it was a blip in the big picture but if it truly was a relapse and had been going on longer than 4 drinks before I discovered it or it's continuing then I am done.

darlacfp

I'm coming to the conclusion I'm a coward and need to justify my decision to get out. If he's sober even though he drank for most of our marriage, then I must be being unforgiving that I can't get over it. If he is actively drinking I allow myself not to feel bad for him being hurt by losing me. I need to own my real feelings here and not be a coward about it.