Heroin addict boyfriend out of rehab for two months left me after 6 years.
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Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 1
Heroin addict boyfriend out of rehab for two months left me after 6 years.
Hi, I am new here. Maybe I can get insight or maybe I can just vent my story here. I know I am not alone, I am not in denial anymore and I now have a voice.
Wow where do I start? (I will try to make this as short as possible)
We met 2011.. I became pregnant in late 2012 and moved out of my parents house. That is when I noticed something was going on..a weird burning smell, everytime I used the bathroom he ran into the room with his "friends" very sneaky. When I would go in the room it wasnt hard to hide. I smelled it. He was smoking black tar heroin, and I was pregnant. And I loved him. I never moved away I stayed with him, he spent hours in the bathroom. I wouldn't see him in the daytime. I took care of my daughter alone, sexual intimacy was limited. (Having sex once a year, thats not normal at all) Then his father died, he started smoking crack, 5 years later he still hasnt spoke to me about the death of his dad. I always smelt burnt plastic from the restroom but I had NO idea what it was. In the beginning my mind never wrapped around the fact that I am living with a drug addict.
He had on and off jobs, he was always late because he spent at least 3 years in the restroom "getting ready". We were living with his mom at the time, then his mom lost the apartment. My daughter, myself and him moved in with his aunt where I later found a studio apartment for us to live in. This is where it got worse, he had no job, smoking heroin and who knows what else in the bathroom for hours. I was working two jobs, he wasnt there mentally, physically, or financially. We had no type of relationship, no dates, no family outings. I had to beg for sex from him. This point I still didnt understand the severity of his addiction. But I didnt know I was tired lf seeing him nod off and not pay attention to us. I tried my best to support him at the time, trying to keep his "friends" away. Giving him resources for rehabs the best as I could. Nothing worked, He would dissapear, I would look for him. When he wasnt in the bathroom he was down the street.. getting high, somewhere. I followed him when my daughter was with her grandmother. I finally saw where he was going, I followed him into a crackhouse. There were two women who looked so horrible, I couldnt believe it. He didnt even go back home with me, he left with another person who obviously looked like they do drugs. His clothes were dirty , he wasnt showering, his lips were chapped, he smelled.
The day I saw needle marks in his arms is a day Ill never forget. He ran in the bathroom avoiding all conversation (as always). I cried for hours begging why would he do this, and honestly thats when I knew things weren't going to get better. I warned him he can die from this.I became distant, I started working out and lost all my baby weight. I felt great and clear minded. I would tell him I didnt want him at home anymore. I started talking to another guy, I was going through alot. It ended shortly though. He found out I started dating someone else, but he was too strung out to even care. But he was back living with me again,he went to jail. He called me dopesick asking to give him drugs, I told him no I will not do that, I told him that once you stop using heroin you can easily die once you use again. Of course he didnt listen, he was released and his family wasnt the first people he visited. It was a dealer, he came home and went straight to the bathroom. Everyone was asleep, I listened to his routine, I heard the spoon, the lighter.
That is when I heard the lighter drop and I heard a huge thump. He overdosed, I unlocked the door. His mouth was blue and skin was pale. They said if i didnt catch it in time he would have died. They took him to the hospital, was released and got high again.
I am still working two jobs at this time. An incident went wrong with our rental agreement, so we had to move. (Wrongfully evicted thing). He completely dissapeared from the picture. I needed money for a lawyer, I needed to find a home for my family. He was nowhere to be found. I found a new apartment and of course he reappeared and lived with us. (Still no job, no money, and strung out). Things became worse, his arms were destroyed. I started to hate him, I couldn't look at him, I didnt want to be seen with a full blown heroin addict. I couldnt kick him out he told me if I wanted him to leave to call the police. I never called the police. The police would come to my home because he was passed out on the sidewalk from nodding off. The police accused me of being a user and it made me dislike him even more. I just wanted him to be normal, I didnt want him to be an addict.
The story is now in March 2016 , an incident happened regarding his addiction. (I am not comfortable saying much about that) The police found over 100 syrengies in his backpack, he was lying about going to the methadone clinic. A restraining order took into affect and he was no longer allowed at my house. He was in jail again, and I was tired of watching him do that to himself. All I wanted was that guy I first met. The one i laughed and shared good times with, without the drug use.
I started to live my own life, realizing how much clarity the air was at home. How there was no tension, no more anger I felt towards him. I focused on my daughter and myself, it hurt to know he was homeless and still doing drugs, but I told him he needed to want help and I couldnt force him. In the end of 2016 things were getting better, we started going to NA meetings together(that was big for us) I was so proud of him. I was so happy, he asked to go with him to offices where they referred him to different rehab centers. He admitted himself December 2016! I was so proud and happy he was doing this. He was doing this himself so he can get better.
We talked about a new future , getting married, buying a car together, making plans that weve never done before. He was finally acting like a boyfriend and not an addict . He got a job and he left rehab in March 2017. One month later he starts being distant, rarely making plans to see his daughter and myself. He is not answering his phone, completely distancing himself from us. Again, It took a month for me to get it out of him, he brought up the time I dated another guy "while he was strung out struggling with his addiction"(his own words) he told me everything was my fault. That I wasnt there for him when he was addicted to heroin. I was right there , every day I watched him suffer and so did I.
He does not go to his NA meeting anymore and he is hanging out with his old user "friends".
He was in jail last night, I picked him up today and he couldnt even look or talk to me.
He wants nothing to do with me now, I am here to support him 100%. When he was high he wasnt there, when he is clean and sober he decides to leave?
I am a mess, devastated. I honestly thought this was finally it, we could be a family without the drugs.
What did I do wrong? I know I tried to help him as much as I could when he was high.
We have been through alot, during this time I was silent, nobody understands what I am going through or what addiction is. But this is MY story and what I went through, if you took the time to read this , Thank you for listening , any words of advice help me. Sorry for the long post.
Wow where do I start? (I will try to make this as short as possible)
We met 2011.. I became pregnant in late 2012 and moved out of my parents house. That is when I noticed something was going on..a weird burning smell, everytime I used the bathroom he ran into the room with his "friends" very sneaky. When I would go in the room it wasnt hard to hide. I smelled it. He was smoking black tar heroin, and I was pregnant. And I loved him. I never moved away I stayed with him, he spent hours in the bathroom. I wouldn't see him in the daytime. I took care of my daughter alone, sexual intimacy was limited. (Having sex once a year, thats not normal at all) Then his father died, he started smoking crack, 5 years later he still hasnt spoke to me about the death of his dad. I always smelt burnt plastic from the restroom but I had NO idea what it was. In the beginning my mind never wrapped around the fact that I am living with a drug addict.
He had on and off jobs, he was always late because he spent at least 3 years in the restroom "getting ready". We were living with his mom at the time, then his mom lost the apartment. My daughter, myself and him moved in with his aunt where I later found a studio apartment for us to live in. This is where it got worse, he had no job, smoking heroin and who knows what else in the bathroom for hours. I was working two jobs, he wasnt there mentally, physically, or financially. We had no type of relationship, no dates, no family outings. I had to beg for sex from him. This point I still didnt understand the severity of his addiction. But I didnt know I was tired lf seeing him nod off and not pay attention to us. I tried my best to support him at the time, trying to keep his "friends" away. Giving him resources for rehabs the best as I could. Nothing worked, He would dissapear, I would look for him. When he wasnt in the bathroom he was down the street.. getting high, somewhere. I followed him when my daughter was with her grandmother. I finally saw where he was going, I followed him into a crackhouse. There were two women who looked so horrible, I couldnt believe it. He didnt even go back home with me, he left with another person who obviously looked like they do drugs. His clothes were dirty , he wasnt showering, his lips were chapped, he smelled.
The day I saw needle marks in his arms is a day Ill never forget. He ran in the bathroom avoiding all conversation (as always). I cried for hours begging why would he do this, and honestly thats when I knew things weren't going to get better. I warned him he can die from this.I became distant, I started working out and lost all my baby weight. I felt great and clear minded. I would tell him I didnt want him at home anymore. I started talking to another guy, I was going through alot. It ended shortly though. He found out I started dating someone else, but he was too strung out to even care. But he was back living with me again,he went to jail. He called me dopesick asking to give him drugs, I told him no I will not do that, I told him that once you stop using heroin you can easily die once you use again. Of course he didnt listen, he was released and his family wasnt the first people he visited. It was a dealer, he came home and went straight to the bathroom. Everyone was asleep, I listened to his routine, I heard the spoon, the lighter.
That is when I heard the lighter drop and I heard a huge thump. He overdosed, I unlocked the door. His mouth was blue and skin was pale. They said if i didnt catch it in time he would have died. They took him to the hospital, was released and got high again.
I am still working two jobs at this time. An incident went wrong with our rental agreement, so we had to move. (Wrongfully evicted thing). He completely dissapeared from the picture. I needed money for a lawyer, I needed to find a home for my family. He was nowhere to be found. I found a new apartment and of course he reappeared and lived with us. (Still no job, no money, and strung out). Things became worse, his arms were destroyed. I started to hate him, I couldn't look at him, I didnt want to be seen with a full blown heroin addict. I couldnt kick him out he told me if I wanted him to leave to call the police. I never called the police. The police would come to my home because he was passed out on the sidewalk from nodding off. The police accused me of being a user and it made me dislike him even more. I just wanted him to be normal, I didnt want him to be an addict.
The story is now in March 2016 , an incident happened regarding his addiction. (I am not comfortable saying much about that) The police found over 100 syrengies in his backpack, he was lying about going to the methadone clinic. A restraining order took into affect and he was no longer allowed at my house. He was in jail again, and I was tired of watching him do that to himself. All I wanted was that guy I first met. The one i laughed and shared good times with, without the drug use.
I started to live my own life, realizing how much clarity the air was at home. How there was no tension, no more anger I felt towards him. I focused on my daughter and myself, it hurt to know he was homeless and still doing drugs, but I told him he needed to want help and I couldnt force him. In the end of 2016 things were getting better, we started going to NA meetings together(that was big for us) I was so proud of him. I was so happy, he asked to go with him to offices where they referred him to different rehab centers. He admitted himself December 2016! I was so proud and happy he was doing this. He was doing this himself so he can get better.
We talked about a new future , getting married, buying a car together, making plans that weve never done before. He was finally acting like a boyfriend and not an addict . He got a job and he left rehab in March 2017. One month later he starts being distant, rarely making plans to see his daughter and myself. He is not answering his phone, completely distancing himself from us. Again, It took a month for me to get it out of him, he brought up the time I dated another guy "while he was strung out struggling with his addiction"(his own words) he told me everything was my fault. That I wasnt there for him when he was addicted to heroin. I was right there , every day I watched him suffer and so did I.
He does not go to his NA meeting anymore and he is hanging out with his old user "friends".
He was in jail last night, I picked him up today and he couldnt even look or talk to me.
He wants nothing to do with me now, I am here to support him 100%. When he was high he wasnt there, when he is clean and sober he decides to leave?
I am a mess, devastated. I honestly thought this was finally it, we could be a family without the drugs.
What did I do wrong? I know I tried to help him as much as I could when he was high.
We have been through alot, during this time I was silent, nobody understands what I am going through or what addiction is. But this is MY story and what I went through, if you took the time to read this , Thank you for listening , any words of advice help me. Sorry for the long post.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Hi, Melly. Welcome.
I am very sorry for your situation.
Are you going to NarAnon? Could be helpful.
Your SO has shown you who and what he is. An addict.
You sound very resilient and resourceful.
Time, I think, for plan B.
Other than a brief time, he has not been a partner, a father, or a wage earner.
This can't be what you want for you or for your child.
Remember that his behavior is illegal., and that could have ramifications for you.
Time to cut him loose. Stop picking him up from jail, stop supporting him.
Take care of yourself and your daughter.
He will have to find his way on his own, or with the help of his friends.
Peace and good luck. Keep coming back.
I am very sorry for your situation.
Are you going to NarAnon? Could be helpful.
Your SO has shown you who and what he is. An addict.
You sound very resilient and resourceful.
Time, I think, for plan B.
Other than a brief time, he has not been a partner, a father, or a wage earner.
This can't be what you want for you or for your child.
Remember that his behavior is illegal., and that could have ramifications for you.
Time to cut him loose. Stop picking him up from jail, stop supporting him.
Take care of yourself and your daughter.
He will have to find his way on his own, or with the help of his friends.
Peace and good luck. Keep coming back.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
The hardest of life's lessons is that there are terrible, heartbreaking things that we can't fix.
You did everything you could, probably more than you should and now its time to take back your life and that of your child...no more chaos, no more lies.
In a way, he is doing you a big favor. You could waste more years of your life propping him up and setting yourself up for more hurt.
But I'm sorry for how much it hurts and what you've going through.
Vent away...you're among friends
Sending you a hug.
You did everything you could, probably more than you should and now its time to take back your life and that of your child...no more chaos, no more lies.
In a way, he is doing you a big favor. You could waste more years of your life propping him up and setting yourself up for more hurt.
But I'm sorry for how much it hurts and what you've going through.
Vent away...you're among friends
Sending you a hug.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 293
I really do understand the desire to help him, Melly. I have a husband in rehab for crack addiction right now. It's agonizing to watch someone you love destroy themselves. The absolute hardest part for me was understanding that the man I loved was no longer there while he was actively using. I miss that guy too. Even if yours and mine recover, they won't be the same person we're missing. That person is gone. That previous relationship is gone and will never come back. Ask yourself this too...what are you getting out of this relationship? Other than grief and pain, what is he bringing to the table when he's part of your life? You deserve someone who can love you back and participate in your life. You already have kids. You don't need an adult who needs to be taken care of like a child.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What did I do wrong?
Life with an addict is anything but normal and since addiction is a life long disease and one he will be fighting the rest of his life……….you gotta ask yourself, is that the life you want for you and your child.
It’s never easy when a relationship ends but the longer we attempt to hold onto someone who doesn’t want to be held especially an addict, the more pain, hurt and disappointment we bring into our lives.
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