batchel9

After hours of receiving very nasty and uncharacteristic texts and Facebook posts, I concluded that AH was drunk.

He last drank to my knowledge in January in which he picked my young kids up drunk. After 3 mo of watching him not deal with his problems, I moved out in April.

We have been sharing the kids because he has been on Antabuse and not drinking. We have not been getting along and he pretty much is angry with me that I "gave up".

Well today everything came crashing down some more as he drank. His friend and I were literally so concerned that we made people go check on him. Turns out he apparently must have decided to stop taking Antabuse.

His family is the opposite of supportive. He tells them he drinks because he is stressed and I stress him out. So they look at me like "you need to not stress him out". You know, instead of the obvious issue in my mind of "you need to resolve your issues so you don't drink when you are stressed".

I feel like I am the only knowledgeable support system he has. If I back away for real, he may totally go off the deep end. But I'm so done with this. How do I get out??

Also, how do I keep my kids safe? They are 5yo and 2yo. I don't feel safe with him having them anymore.

Help please! Thoughts and experiences needed!

honeypig

But you are NOT. There are AA meetings, there are therapists, there are rehabs--there are countless sources of support for him if he decides to pursue recovery. And all of these sources are far better qualified to deal with him than you are.

You are not abandoning a young child or a puppy. He is an adult, who has shown he's very capable of going after and getting what he wants. If he'd put half the energy into recovery that he's put into drinking, he'd have a pretty awesome recovery going on by now, right? So you are NOT "the only support system" this poor helpless A has; get that idea out of your head.

It kind of looks like he went off the deep end NOW, doesn't it? Remember the 3 C's--didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it? This incident isn't showing you what happens if you're not there to try to manage his drinking, it's showing you that you cannot manage his drinking, whether you are there or not.

A month ago you posted a thread asking how to tell people you were divorcing. Has that changed? If not, I'd say you get out by continuing w/the divorce.

I'm sure that has to be handled through your lawyer. I don't know specifics, but it seems from what I read here that documenting AH's actions is important, so save any drunk texts, emails, voice mails, etc. But above all, I'd say talk to your lawyer. I think that's the only way to protect your kids.

I'm sorry things have gone downhill, but like they say, "when you're going through hell, keep going!" Getting out and protecting your kids are the right things to do--I don't think there is any doubt. Keep taking the next step, and don't hesitate.

LexieCat

Everything hp said x10. This is just another turn in the inevitable spiral. NOBODY stays sober indefinitely by using Antabuse. It's a tool for getting a person through the rough first days/weeks of sobriety, not a long-term solution. He's done nothing but white-knuckle it, so caving was pretty much inevitable.

And he will continue to spiral--the only question is how much you allow it to affect you and the kids.

I'd get moving on that divorce and document everything related to the drinking. Keep all those nasty texts and emails. Find out from your lawyer whether it's legal to record his phone calls without his knowledge--the law varies from state to state.

And don't expect any support from his family. Their attitude may change at some point but you can't count on it, and right now they are firmly in his camp.

Incidentally, I wouldn't refer to what's happened here as a "relapse"--he was never in recovery, just temporarily not-drinking. And yes, any idiot with a computer can find help for alcohol addiction. Your knowledge does him no good because he doesn't want to hear it and won't hear it.

BoxinRotz

Agree! ^^^^

SparkleKitty

I think deep down you know that if he is destined to go off the deep end, no "knowledgable support" in the world is going to stop. He has to do that for himself.

AA is free, and it is everywhere. If he were committed to making his life better through recovery, there are no avenues that would be off-limits. And nothing you did or didn't do would change that.

Maudcat

So sorry, batchel. Youmust be feeling pretty hopeless right now.
But, listen. You are out, and that is worth gold.
Agree with everything the others have posted.
You are not responsible for him. That's your codie voice talking.
Keep moving forward with the divorce. Tell your attorney and follow his/her advice.
You will get through this.
P.S. He's an idiot.

atalose

I certainly don’t mean this in a snarky way…………..

If that were the case then why’s he drinking again? How has your knowledge supported him this far?

We often tell ourselves we are there “only” and all that does is lock us away with them as their hostage. You cannot manage his drinking or outcome from it by sending people to check up on him. That is how you keep yourself attached to his addiction. At this point in time I would put lots of distance between you and his family and you and him. I would not allow him access to the children outside of your home or your presents.

Seeing you have been separated since April, what legal separation agreement do you have in place regarding visitation with the children? If there is none, I’d make that a priority now.

aliciagr

If your done then you continue with your plan to divorce and you express your concerns about the kids safety to your divorce attorney.

I think what you meant when you said "knowledgeable support system" is that his family isnt handling their interactions with him the way you would based on the knowledge you have obtained.

His family will have to handle their interactions and relationship with him however they see fit. Its one of those things that we cant control. I feel like my MIL is toxic to my husband as she pushes all his buttons, but she herself thinks she is doing all the right things for the addict. Im not going to play with the circus monkey. Have enough of my own stuff to figure out.

Truthfully who knows who or what will come along to have a positive impact on your husbands desire to make changes in his life.

Dont feel bad for doing what you need to do for yourself and the kids.

batchel9

Thanks Honeypig, I always appreciate your posts. You are right, I need to take the burden off myself as there are other support systems.

I am still planning to proceed with divorce, I just feel as though I am walking on egg shells as I don't want to set him off. I was hoping to do it respectfully and peacefully without him going off the deep end but that's not happening so far.

I still struggle with the idea that I didn't cause it. In this case I definitely was the one that triggered it. My family gets together to do fun things twice a year and that was this weekend and being separated I didn't let him go. It was meant to be a consequence and a wake up call. I probably could have been nicer about the whole thing. He was sad, though expressing it as anger and I probably didn't help.

Jaeger

batchel,
You are not the cause of this. He drank because he is an alcoholic. Period. Normal people don't drink just because they get their feelings hurt.

If he was in actual recovery, he would be learning how to deal with this. It's called dealing with life on life's terms. Don't let yourself go down that rabbit hole.

LexieCat

I suggest you stop walking on eggshells and simply focus on doing things the right way, without responding to whatever he does in an angry or vindictive way. Placating him will NOT be to your advantage--it won't have the desired effect, and you will be sacrificing your own legitimate interests.

And you did NOT "trigger" anything. If he was taking antabuse, he had to stop a few days in advance to be able to drink--so he was already planning to drink (or maybe he's been off of it and drinking for a while, for all you know). Moreover, if you are separated it is the most natural thing in the world to not have him at your family gatherings. It would have been weird for everyone, and it was unrealistic of him to think he'd be included.

Let him worry about his tender feelings. There's a cure for that, but a large part of it involves getting sober.

tomsteve

it didnt matter how much people supported me. i wasnt getting help until I wanted help and was willingto get help. until then, i manipulated the support, made xcuses why the support of others wasnt right( which was because i wanted others to do the work for me), and in all honestly only listened to those that supported me when those others also blamed people,places, and things for the state of my life.my life when drinking was constantly about blaming others. the ones that put the ball in my court and said i was responsible for my life? so long.
i loooooved it when others felt they set me off. it took responsibility and accountability off of me.
stop blaming yourself. its not you setting him off the deep end( darlin, he hasnt even been out of the deep end). THAT is on him and absolutely no one else.you can do what you want respectfully and peacefully FOR YOU. his peace is HIS responsibility.

you werent the trigger. you were the excuse- an excuse for a pre meditated drunk. the drunk he had was something that had been planned- just waitng for the excuse. and its him having a selfish self centered pity party and saying,"ill show her by hurting myself. look what you did to me!!! you made me drink!!"
you triggered it ......hhmmmm...did YOU buy the alcohol? did YOU take it to him? did YOU pour it down his throat? did YOU make him stop taking the antibuse( that there shows pre mediation and just waiting for an excuse to drink)?

what triggered it was untreated alcoholism, which YOU dont have, but HE does.
and that is not your responsibility nor did you cause it.

p.s.
he can use your actions as an excuse to drink, but that doesnt mean you have to accept responsibility for it.

hopeful4

Let's go back to the three C's.

You did not CAUSE it, you cannot CONTROL it, and you cannot CURE it.

You are blaming yourself. I get it, I did that for YEARS. There will always be something. Death, change of seasons, stress. You cannot remove everything in his life that stresses him out, life does not work that way.

Stop blaming yourself, meet with the attorney and find out what realistic protections you can get put in place for your children and go from there. As far as his family, honey, blood will ALWAYS be thicker than water. They are going to blame anyone but him, that would require for them to change the way they are looking at things, and it just won't happen.

You cannot control how anyone acts, only how you react.

Hugs.

SparkleKitty

batchel I know it FEELS like THIS TIME is an exception to the idea that you have no control over his actions, but it just isn't. He is CHOOSING how to react to stuff that people who have healthier coping mechanisms manage to deal with every day without drinking or hurting others.

Please relieve yourself of the illusion that you can control his responses. You can't. It's all him.

AnvilheadII

I still struggle with the idea that I didn't cause it. In this case I definitely was the one that triggered it. My family gets together to do fun things twice a year and that was this weekend and being separated I didn't let him go. It was meant to be a consequence and a wake up call. I probably could have been nicer about the whole thing. He was sad, though expressing it as anger and I probably didn't help.

so you are CERTAIN that ^^^this^^^ is what caused your ALCOHOLIC husband to choose to drink, again. that you have so much power over HIS addiction that you can MAKE him choose to stop taking antabuse and pick up a drink.

then how about you get busy wiggling those very powerful fingers his way AND MAKE HIM STOP FOR GOOD.

because you can't. short of duct taping him to a chair and ramming a funnel down his throat and pouring the Wild Turkey in.....his drinking has NOTHING to do with you. anymore than rain, hang nails, or a backed up septic tank.

you can LET GO of the need to be nice thing now. and molly coddling. and attempting to force consequences that he will GET.

aliciagr

This strikes a chord with me because my husband has been close to my family for years and he has said they feel more like his family than his own blood family. We are separated right now, but working on our marriage. I made a decision that I dont want to come between the relationships he has formed with them because my family provides a healthy and caring support system to him. I am currently living at my parents house. There have been times when I preferred not to have him there because I couldnt deal with it emotionally. So I would decline to invite him lets say to dinner because I needed space for me. In a way thats a consequence for whats happened to our relationship - I need space. But I think I see what you are saying.. you wanted him to feel that loss with not participating at the weekend gathering.

I think all we can do is examine how we handle situations. If you feel some guilt over it, then try to use it to learn and move on.

The core problem appears to be his emotional triggers, coping mechanisms, and how it all ties into his drinking patterns. Life is a mind field of emotional stuff to deal with, so take some pressure off yourself. This was just one emotional situation he will face. Best case scenario I say is that he learns from what happened, and tries to figure out how to make himself stronger.

batchel9

Alicia...AH was operating in serious denial. I left him for an apartment and he acted like we were still together. So I conciously started omitting him from things so he would feel te separation. This was one of them. He drinks and has no consequences. Therefore I see no changes. I felt it was time for him to start seeing the more painful consequences. And they were apparently painful enough that he turned to putting himself into a drunken stuper.

LexieCat

batchel, just remember that it isn't your job to CREATE consequences for him. You don't need to exclude him for the sake of making him feel bad. But normally, separated people don't carry on as if they were married. Being separated means just that--you are taking a time out as you either make up your mind whether to divorce or as you are preparing to divorce. It means you don't operate as a social unit.

It may seem like a subtle difference, but it's really about your motives. It sounds like you were trying to train/condition him to associate his drinking with being left out of things. If you and everyone else WANTED him there, that's one thing and it would be punitive, but it doesn't sound as if anyone was dying to have him there--other than him.

Just because he likes your family doesn't obligate you to invite him to family events. If your family wants to maintain a relationship with him they can do that without you.

It's all about staying in your own hula hoop.

batchel9

Thanks for your posts Lexie! I appreciate them! I can see your point on this. My family loves him and would have wanted him there. But most of my family doesn't know of his drinking issues and my extended family doesn't know we are separated. Just didn't seem appropriate to be there. Maybe sometime, I just need time.

batchel9

Thanks for everyone's posts. I keep rereading them to help get me through. Here is an update.

I ended up texting with AHs dad who was really really mean to me. It was ultimately how I am behaving like a 15 year old by responding by moving out when I need to be investing time and energy into my husband and family. It went on and on and on. I was a wreck.

I left my kids with my sister and attempted to go talk to AH the day after he drank. Well, he was pretty much still drunk at 2pm as I'm trying to talk to him. He was also really sick because he says that he was still on Antabuse when he drank. Where I was hoping for remorse and sadness from him, I was met with anger and mean.

His dad overheard a 45 min conversation between him and j from the other room and let's just say his dad no longer seems to have the same stance towards me. AH was mean and nasty and not at all open to resolving and of the issues he is complaining about. It was all blame and hostility. It goes back and forth between him being mad that I "left when he needed support" and me not withholding my better or worse marriage vows to him blaming me for his drinking because I'm not good for him, he can do better, and he is filing for divorce this week. I was mostly level headed and rational throughout this.

I ended up talking to his Dad for several hours afterwards and I thought we ended on the same page. I felt like he got it. Well he has since gone home and now AHs mom is there with him. She hates me right now and won't give me the time of day. So that makes me feel like she is probably there being super toxic to him and just feeding into his issues instead of helping. That stresses me out.

Saw AH at son's baseball game yesterday and we were able to make small talk but he made several snippy comments that makes me realize despite being sober now, in his head this is still on me. What happened to the guy that at least acknowledged his drinking issues?

It's hard to be constantly blamed and questioned by my family, him, his family, friends, etc. Everyone loves him and doesn't even barely know there is a problem. It messes with my head big time.

I'm not sure how to proceed with him. Do I give him space? Do I try talking with him? How should I act around him? I'm also not sure how to proceed with my kids. I don't trust him with them. Right now his family is with him so I'm still ok with them seeing him. What about when they go home? I'm just an emotional hot mess right now. Any input/words of encouragement appreciated.