I was looking for a dream
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 5
I was looking for a dream
I was looking for a dream. I think this is why I first started drinking regularly. I was 15, maybe 16 (I’m 27). I’ve never been too fond of reality, with it’s thorns all over. I remember sitting in a corner of a pub with a good friend of mine at the times. We were rebellious of course, a bit dumb, and rather inclined towards self-destruction. But the destruction part came later. I just learned to enjoy how alcohol made everything different. The reality became dreamy. I still crave that, this feeling of being on a cloud, an inch above the ground, just floating, and everything feels soft. As the drinks add up, reality starts to fade gently until I just pass out, and wake up hopefully in a familiar place.
It also helped with the shyness, but it broke as any good relationships as it formed new ones.
Anyhow, over the years, alcohol just became part of who I was, so it seemed. All of my friends are frequent drinkers, the social kind. A glass of wine after a day at the university or, you know, two bottles of it, who knows. We always meet for ‘just one drink’.
In my country, alcohol is more than a social lubricant. Almost everyone drinks.
I don’t know if they can control how much they drink. Some of my friends do. But I sure as hell can’t.
I suffered from other stuff that pushed me towards self harming behaviour, and alcohol was quite an obvious choice. It’s only when it completely destroyed my social life that I managed to become careful, to some extent.
Sorry if this seems kind of messy, I write as I think. I’m Alex, by the way. Hello.
Here’s where I am anyways: I can’t stay more than a few days sober, or at least without quite a struggle. I drink a fair share, but since I’m broke all the time, I can’t really smash myself as much as I’d like. I don’t drink alone, or very rarely, I need complicity in mischief.
I have life projects that will require me to live by my own on low wage, and the alcohol is preventing me to do that. I can’t spare money because of alcohol, I can’t plan ahead, I can’t travel, I can’t buy clothes. It’s draining my money, my health, and since my friends are at least borderline with alcohol, there isn’t anyone I can really talk about this with.
Things are changing though. I’m killing off bad things that just made their way into my life during depression and stuff, and alcohol is next on the list. I feel that my life will always be stuck at the same point if I don’t stop it for good.
I plan to go to an AA meeting, I guess that’s a good start. I feel a bit awkward about that, because I don’t want to pass as a snowflake millenial who just can’t stop picking candies from the bag. I managed over the years to downgrade alcohol from a life threatening issue to a manageable pain in the arse. I never feel entitled to do anything anyway, so I might just go and see what happens.
Alright. I just needed to share that. Thanks for reading.
Now back to my night of insomnia (not related to alcohol though - exam on monday).
It also helped with the shyness, but it broke as any good relationships as it formed new ones.
Anyhow, over the years, alcohol just became part of who I was, so it seemed. All of my friends are frequent drinkers, the social kind. A glass of wine after a day at the university or, you know, two bottles of it, who knows. We always meet for ‘just one drink’.
In my country, alcohol is more than a social lubricant. Almost everyone drinks.
I don’t know if they can control how much they drink. Some of my friends do. But I sure as hell can’t.
I suffered from other stuff that pushed me towards self harming behaviour, and alcohol was quite an obvious choice. It’s only when it completely destroyed my social life that I managed to become careful, to some extent.
Sorry if this seems kind of messy, I write as I think. I’m Alex, by the way. Hello.
Here’s where I am anyways: I can’t stay more than a few days sober, or at least without quite a struggle. I drink a fair share, but since I’m broke all the time, I can’t really smash myself as much as I’d like. I don’t drink alone, or very rarely, I need complicity in mischief.
I have life projects that will require me to live by my own on low wage, and the alcohol is preventing me to do that. I can’t spare money because of alcohol, I can’t plan ahead, I can’t travel, I can’t buy clothes. It’s draining my money, my health, and since my friends are at least borderline with alcohol, there isn’t anyone I can really talk about this with.
Things are changing though. I’m killing off bad things that just made their way into my life during depression and stuff, and alcohol is next on the list. I feel that my life will always be stuck at the same point if I don’t stop it for good.
I plan to go to an AA meeting, I guess that’s a good start. I feel a bit awkward about that, because I don’t want to pass as a snowflake millenial who just can’t stop picking candies from the bag. I managed over the years to downgrade alcohol from a life threatening issue to a manageable pain in the arse. I never feel entitled to do anything anyway, so I might just go and see what happens.
Alright. I just needed to share that. Thanks for reading.
Now back to my night of insomnia (not related to alcohol though - exam on monday).
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 26,425
I'm glad you are here and posting! This place may be perfect for you. The first time I got extended sobriety I was 27. I had a sponsor once who got sober at 18 and never drank again. She is older than me .... so probably early to mid 60s.
I'm glad you are trying AA, and remember there are many other methods you can explore here at sober recovery.
I hope that with some help on the threads you can make it to a day 3. That would be a huge deal and those first days are hard fought for.
Again thanks.
I'm glad you are trying AA, and remember there are many other methods you can explore here at sober recovery.
I hope that with some help on the threads you can make it to a day 3. That would be a huge deal and those first days are hard fought for.
Again thanks.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Welcome Hylas. Your storysounds very similar to mine. I would have drank all the time but for two things. I got so sick after a few days that I couldn't drink, and I was always broke. I preferred company when drinking, and sought out people who drank like I did. I never had holidays, just cashed up the holiday pay and drank it. In the end no material possessions at all.
I found permanent sobriety in AA at the age of 22. The medical view was that I wasn't going to get much older..
Strangely, it wasn't the thought of imminent death that prompted me to take action. It was the absolute misery and futility of life as I had been living it. There had to be a better way, and there was.
I found permanent sobriety in AA at the age of 22. The medical view was that I wasn't going to get much older..
Strangely, it wasn't the thought of imminent death that prompted me to take action. It was the absolute misery and futility of life as I had been living it. There had to be a better way, and there was.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Welcome Hylas! We're so glad you're here.
I didn't start quite as young, but for all the same reasons you mention. I was shy & self-conscious. Drinking seemed to calm me down & help me cope. I never imagined I'd be drinking 24/7 in the end - completely dependent on it to get through the day. It caused me nothing but misery & anxiety. I never learned to manage life in a normal, healthy way. Finding SR saved me - everyone here understood what I was going through. I never felt alone again. I hope you'll feel the same. You can get free, Hylas.
I didn't start quite as young, but for all the same reasons you mention. I was shy & self-conscious. Drinking seemed to calm me down & help me cope. I never imagined I'd be drinking 24/7 in the end - completely dependent on it to get through the day. It caused me nothing but misery & anxiety. I never learned to manage life in a normal, healthy way. Finding SR saved me - everyone here understood what I was going through. I never felt alone again. I hope you'll feel the same. You can get free, Hylas.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 701
NO ONE here will judge you
(as WE'VE ALL been there)
Good luck, young man
(do it NOW!)
;-)
for this is how it goes:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUngLgGRJpo
(as WE'VE ALL been there)
Good luck, young man
(do it NOW!)
;-)
for this is how it goes:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HUngLgGRJpo
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Well none of us are snowflakes, unique. We are all the same - our stories differ as does our geography and ages. Alcohol doesn't care about such things Alex.
I wanted that feeling as well - that ahhhhh. Turns out it's not a dream but a nightmare. It's the big lie - the untruth.
If you want to change your life and have a desire to quit drinking there's help and hope. Going to a meeting is how I started along with friends here in SR. Just another bozo on the bus today and pretty greatful for that.
Welcome
I wanted that feeling as well - that ahhhhh. Turns out it's not a dream but a nightmare. It's the big lie - the untruth.
If you want to change your life and have a desire to quit drinking there's help and hope. Going to a meeting is how I started along with friends here in SR. Just another bozo on the bus today and pretty greatful for that.
Welcome
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Welcome. I'm pleased you're here and posting, and when you get to that AA meeting the room will be full of people pleased as anything to greet you and offer support. All of us have a tendency towards special-snowflake-ness, especially when we're active in our alcoholism or new to recovery, so don't beat yourself up if you catch yourself doing that. Just try to learn from your self-reflection and find ways to change and move on. This recovery malarkey can be pretty amazing.
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Welcome! Judging? Not much of that here: most of us have our hands full judging ourselves!
But, joking aside, with sobriety your perception will sharpen. You'll discover the scorn you perceive in others is mostly a figment of your imagination. You will temper the scorn you direct at yourself with self awareness and self-acceptance. The beginning of the sober journey is usually not an easy one, but I have never regretted taking those first steps.
But, joking aside, with sobriety your perception will sharpen. You'll discover the scorn you perceive in others is mostly a figment of your imagination. You will temper the scorn you direct at yourself with self awareness and self-acceptance. The beginning of the sober journey is usually not an easy one, but I have never regretted taking those first steps.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 5
Thank you everybody 
4th day sober. I'm struggling with insomnia but I don't know how much it is related. Today is going to be complicated because I was at home so far.
I'm in line waiting to take an exam at the university, a bit falling asleep on my feet.
It should be alright though. First AA meeting this evening.
4th day sober. I'm struggling with insomnia but I don't know how much it is related. Today is going to be complicated because I was at home so far.
I'm in line waiting to take an exam at the university, a bit falling asleep on my feet.
It should be alright though. First AA meeting this evening.
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