DeepBlue

Hi - haven't posted for a few days. Was on Day 6 but relapsed once again.

Day 1 again now after 5 days of drinking. OK - nothing terrible happened this week - I was busy and stressed and used alcohol to keep the lid on that. Managed to keep it to a bottle of wine a day. But the whole stop start thing is so exhausting. And so stupid - my intelligent brain knows perfectly well that the safest and easiest thing to do is just to stop drinking. Where does this other alcoholic voice come from?? This is a battle I have been waging for 20 years or more. During that time I have had some good lengths of sobriety - 2 years or more - but eventually I get drawn back in.

I'll always have another go - but Day 1 again and feels like another mountain to climb,

Sorry to sound so negative - but I really do have to find a new approach from somewhere..

Dee74

Have you considered finding more support than SR DeepBlue?

D

PhoenixJ

tell your brain to f-off. there is not logical reasons to explain all addictive behaviours. just need to accept that- then with very,very hard work- stop. With support. AA,SMART,COUNSELLOR,PRIEST,DOC, any and every- that is what I tell myself to do every daY.
Support to you.

Chaplain30

Its functional drinking not soberity. Its mean you drinkinh hard fow few days than become sick, its cause you to give up fow few days. Soberity means give up and dont drink again even after you are healty enouf to drink again.

jazzfish

Sobriety helped me see that drinking was actually amplifying the stress in my life, and in the end, turned out to be causing most of it too.

BatholithBabe

Hi Deep Blue,

I go through the "GroundHog Day" effect a lot, too. I even gave alcohol up for Lent a couple of years ago. 40 days is the longest I've ever gone without a drink. I try and say, "just imagine, how you'll feel a year from now, 365 days sober!" And then the weekend comes, or I feel stressed, or I feel happy, or I feel sad, or I feel tired, blah, blah, blah.......and I wake up the next day mentally slapping myself.

In the last few months, something has transitioned. I have been doing some heavy lifting spiritually-wise lately and the well known idea of "letting go" has taken a real hold on me. Release, detachment, Been There Done That, dropping the emotional baggage, etc. kinds of phrases and thoughts. It's working. Surrender. I surrender and I don't fight it anymore. I don't think about it any more. I let go.

I envision my life as path in the forest, and I come upon a fork in the road. One of the paths is the continuation of the one I've been on since I was a young adult. The other path is new to me and I have never traveled on it but it is oh so inviting and beautiful! Deep breaths. That's the ticket!

I am OK being me. I choose Peace.

DeepBlue

Thanks to everyone for your support and insight - you are very generous.

I think Dee and PhoenixJ might be right to suggest that I need more lines of support - I just need the right ones for me. I have thought about AA but there don't seem to be that many local meetings here in the UK. Am considering a self-referral to 1-1 counselling though which might help me to unpack some of the reasons for my drinking.

Thanks to Jazzfish and Chaplain30 for instantly recognising exactly my problem - it's great to be with people that really understand!

And thanks too to BatholithBabe . I like the idea of just surrendering, rather than struggling - I will reflect on that over the weekend.

I hope things are positive for you all this week - and once again, I am very grateful for your thoughts..

DeepBlue

Dee74

I think you'll find there's an AA meeting pretty well near everyone DB.

http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/

There are other meeting based options too like SMART or Lifering - you'll usually find those meets in the big cities, but hey check it out

http://www.smartrecovery.org.uk/
http://lifering.org/international-websites/lifering-uk/


D

starstarstar

1-1 counseling sounds great! Good on you for climbing that mountain again.

DeepBlue

Well, in many ways Day 2 has been very restful and healing. No work today so managed to find as much time as i needed to sleep. Have cooked a nutritious fresh meal and have tried to be positive about the future. Physically, feeling much better already and really very little withdrawal symptoms.

On a less positive note, i seem to have developed a pattern of on-off drinking, which one or two of you have commented on previously. I don't find it difficult to stop drinking, but i find it almost impossible to stay stopped. So on it goes: week on the booze, week off the booze, month off, two weeks on, year off, two years on. It's amazing, but already after Day 2 and feeling so much better, my alcoholic voice is encouraging me to start planning my next drink - not immediately (i won't drink today) but a few days or weeks down the line. It's crazy and illogical - i think that is why the 1-1 weekly counseling might help as it will make me accountable to someone other than just me? How did other manage to "stay stopped"??

littlefish

It's not just AA. I am a long time member and regularly attend meetings, but even more important is coming to the realization that you might just need a program to quit. People do quit everyday on their own. But the vast majority can't.
Any program is helpful. I don't think there are better and worse, the most important thing is getting the structure and the support that even an average program can offer.
I have tried a variety. My longest non AA program was an outpatient program that consisted of once a week addictions counseling and an array of various aids: antabuse, campral, etc, etc . I participated in that for a year...went out and drank for a year, and then came back for two more years and I guess the second time did the trick. All during that I was in AA. Still am.
Sounds like a lot of work? Well, alcohol was the most serious, biggest and most destructive problem in my life. I don't think a problem of that scale can be approached casually or without effort.

DeepBlue

Thank you littlefish - I think I am beginning to realise that I need to understand the scale of the problem and the solution a little better. And you are right to point out that I have been trying (unsuccessfully) to do this on my own. Am waking up to the need for a structure and program

Berrybean

Most places in the UK have local meetings even if only once or twice a week. And once you go to them you get to know people who you can call, or meet up with between meetings. It does make a big difference having a support network.

Have you read through Dee's thread about making a plan? If not it could be a good place to start with adding things into your own recovery plan... http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...y-plans-1.html

Wishing you all the best for your sobriety and recovery. BB

Dee74

Posting here regularly, not only about myself but to others as well helped remind me I really did have a problem so that when I felt better and the thoughts about I'm not really that bad came bubbling up I was able to counter them, with support here.

D