Dealing With Old Alky Friend
Blue Belt
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Dealing With Old Alky Friend
Hi Team,
I am now sober 2 years and everything is better....obviously.
My biggest problem is dealing with my old alky buddy.
We work together.
He seems to binge drink still.
Usually during the week he looks like hell and has a boozy smell like when folks drink too much.
About 2 to 4 times a month, he over does it.
He looks worse than normal. He wobbles when he walks. He is out of it. His voice changes, he seems still drunk for the first part of the day.
He was with me when I decided to quit and for the most part he didn't go to the boss about my healing issues.
Although he openly would make fun of me when I was dealing with heavy anxiety after quitting. I don't think he has a clue about alky addiction.
I don't like him much for his insensitivity.
He has blown up, yelled at me at least 2 times that I remember, each time it took a ton of discipline to not just go off right back at him and start a huge issue.
One time he pushed me like he was some sort of bully. Again, it took a bit of self control to not kick him right in the junk.
I am still working closely with him and any attempt to change that would cause me big trouble at work. I get paid a great wage for doing something that is easy for me.
I don't want to quit the job over this.
My plan is to slowly try to stray away from him, escape from him as tactfully as possible.
I can't go to the boss because that would turn into a huge issue.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks.
I am now sober 2 years and everything is better....obviously.
My biggest problem is dealing with my old alky buddy.
We work together.
He seems to binge drink still.
Usually during the week he looks like hell and has a boozy smell like when folks drink too much.
About 2 to 4 times a month, he over does it.
He looks worse than normal. He wobbles when he walks. He is out of it. His voice changes, he seems still drunk for the first part of the day.
He was with me when I decided to quit and for the most part he didn't go to the boss about my healing issues.
Although he openly would make fun of me when I was dealing with heavy anxiety after quitting. I don't think he has a clue about alky addiction.
I don't like him much for his insensitivity.
He has blown up, yelled at me at least 2 times that I remember, each time it took a ton of discipline to not just go off right back at him and start a huge issue.
One time he pushed me like he was some sort of bully. Again, it took a bit of self control to not kick him right in the junk.
I am still working closely with him and any attempt to change that would cause me big trouble at work. I get paid a great wage for doing something that is easy for me.
I don't want to quit the job over this.
My plan is to slowly try to stray away from him, escape from him as tactfully as possible.
I can't go to the boss because that would turn into a huge issue.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Thanks.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Doesn't buddy mean friend? He is obviously a very sick person. Don't friends try to help each other? Perhaps read the big book chapter on working with others. There are ideas there on how you could help your friend.
Blue Belt
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Originally Posted by Gottalife 
Doesn't buddy mean friend? He is obviously a very sick person. Don't friends try to help each other? Perhaps read the big book chapter on working with others. There are ideas there on how you could help your friend.
I thought as recovering addicts we were supposed to wait until folks asked us for help before we try to help?
Doesn't trying to help them before they ask blow up in our face?
I will have a look at the BB.
You seem pretty knowledgeable about the BB, can you point me in the right direction?
Thanks.
Blue Belt
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Originally Posted by D122y
He hasn't ever been much of a friend really.... I know that is a 2 way street.
I thought as recovering addicts we were supposed to wait until folks asked us for help before we try to help?
Doesn't trying to help them before they ask blow up in our face?
I will have a look at the BB.
You seem pretty knowledgeable about the BB, can you point me in the right direction?
Thanks.
I thought as recovering addicts we were supposed to wait until folks asked us for help before we try to help?
Doesn't trying to help them before they ask blow up in our face?
I will have a look at the BB.
You seem pretty knowledgeable about the BB, can you point me in the right direction?
Thanks.
I am looking for folks w experience navigating with and around an alky that is in the depths of addiction with, what I believe, is a complete desire to eventually drink himself sick or dead.
My alky "acquaintance" is a better term.
I can't cure him....he considers me a second class citizen.
Thanks.
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
Top of page ninety is a good place to start. Find out all you can about him. That could be just a matter of talking to him and asking the occasional question. No crusading or persuading. He may not want to stop just yet. It is a long game this one. The time alcoholics are open to a solution is often just after a binge. They may not be open for long, so it becomes a matter of waiting patiently until a window of opportunity occurs, and then being there to capitalize.
The book contains a lot of other ideas. Maybe leaving one of those twenty questions pamphlets around where he might find it. He will read it if he thinks no one is watching.
Probably the biggest thing in the meantime is to try and remember how to react to this individual. " though we did not like their symptoms and the way they disturbed us, we realized these were sick people too. We asked for the strength to treat this person With the same love and tolerance we would show a sick friend. God save us from getting angry." That was a very rough quote from chapter five..
You would not have liked me much either. My arrogance and false pride were beyond belief. I had an opinion on everything, and knew nothing about anything. I wrote off whole cultures without a thought, and whole sections of my community. Talk about ignorant. I was just like your buddy. But someone plated a seed, and saved my life.
The other option is to just detach, sometimes easier said than done.
The book contains a lot of other ideas. Maybe leaving one of those twenty questions pamphlets around where he might find it. He will read it if he thinks no one is watching.
Probably the biggest thing in the meantime is to try and remember how to react to this individual. " though we did not like their symptoms and the way they disturbed us, we realized these were sick people too. We asked for the strength to treat this person With the same love and tolerance we would show a sick friend. God save us from getting angry." That was a very rough quote from chapter five..
You would not have liked me much either. My arrogance and false pride were beyond belief. I had an opinion on everything, and knew nothing about anything. I wrote off whole cultures without a thought, and whole sections of my community. Talk about ignorant. I was just like your buddy. But someone plated a seed, and saved my life.
The other option is to just detach, sometimes easier said than done.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi D122, I'm with your way of thinking, that you're unlikely to cure him, and your intervention would be unwelcome and possibly make things worse. BTW your own journey to sobriety sounds admirable, especially working through anxiety issues on the way. If it didn't inspire your buddy to try it himself, it's unlikely anything else you can do will.
From your description he seems to be deteriorating and I wonder if time might take care of the problem by itself. Coming to work under the influence would be a sackable offence where I work - is it the same for you? Are you under some duty to report him on H&S grounds?
What's the situation with the boss that you can't go to him/her for help, or to discuss what's happening? I know you like your job, but it's not you whose misbehaving or becoming a bully.
If you're determined to deal with this on your own, you might have no choice but to call him on his behaviour when it gets out of hand. You don't have to get physical, in fact you shouldn't, but you can move into his space and let him know you're not backing down. Ignoring him has made it worse.
Anyone who has dealt with a drunk knows they have fuzzy boundaries and huge lack of judgement. I strongly advise you take this to management as its their duty to deal with it.
From your description he seems to be deteriorating and I wonder if time might take care of the problem by itself. Coming to work under the influence would be a sackable offence where I work - is it the same for you? Are you under some duty to report him on H&S grounds?
What's the situation with the boss that you can't go to him/her for help, or to discuss what's happening? I know you like your job, but it's not you whose misbehaving or becoming a bully.
If you're determined to deal with this on your own, you might have no choice but to call him on his behaviour when it gets out of hand. You don't have to get physical, in fact you shouldn't, but you can move into his space and let him know you're not backing down. Ignoring him has made it worse.
Anyone who has dealt with a drunk knows they have fuzzy boundaries and huge lack of judgement. I strongly advise you take this to management as its their duty to deal with it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
I feel your pain. I have a friend who I have felt the need to go no contact with. He no longer has anything I want (alcoholic lifestyle and thinking )and I don't have anything he wants (sobriety and recovery ). He was getting resentful and sometimes plain nasty (verbally ) to me, and I was getting exasperated with him. Often he complained about his drinking and his life, but had a complete lack of willingness to change anything or accept responsibility for himself. Fair enough. That's his call, but it's just too painful to watch. Neither of us seemed to be getting anything out of the acquaintance any longer.
I don't know how that would have worked out if I had to work with him though! Jeez. I'd be needing the serenity prayer and the resentment prayer pretty much constantly in your situation I reckon.
Prayers for you and your buddy from me this morning.
BB
I don't know how that would have worked out if I had to work with him though! Jeez. I'd be needing the serenity prayer and the resentment prayer pretty much constantly in your situation I reckon.
Prayers for you and your buddy from me this morning.
BB
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,040
Hello!
First, I love that you have two years sober, I'm a few months behind you, but it is such a great feeling.
I have learned the hard way that it is important to draw a line between friends, and professional friendly relationships at work, especially if you are in a leadership position. I know deep down you want to help him, but sounds like distancing yourself so you don't end up in those situations that cause stress for very good reasons. Is it possible to step back and add that distance, it remain collegial and professional?
First, I love that you have two years sober, I'm a few months behind you, but it is such a great feeling.
I have learned the hard way that it is important to draw a line between friends, and professional friendly relationships at work, especially if you are in a leadership position. I know deep down you want to help him, but sounds like distancing yourself so you don't end up in those situations that cause stress for very good reasons. Is it possible to step back and add that distance, it remain collegial and professional?
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
When I was drinking, I viewed anyone who didn't drink as a judgemental, goody-goody weirdo. I thought there was something wrong with them. Why couldn't they let their hair down and have some of the 'fun' I was having? It was convenient for my addiction to view non drinkers with contempt and that's why I somehow thought I was better than them. CRINGE!!!
In my drinking days, if anyone at work had started talking to me about my drinking; about AA or anything to do with recovery, I know for a fact that I would have run straight back further into the embrace of my ever-present, ever-understanding addiction. It would have pushed me even further away from health.
You are certainly in a very tricky situation but you have many tools at your disposal. Your 2 years of sobriety has given you some awesome wisdom. I love reading your posts. I often read them and think, "Ah, that's why I'm feeling like this. It's ok. D122y felt like this. I'm normal and I'm going to be ok."
You can't make the decision to stop drinking for an active alcoholic but as someone else said, you can plant a seed in their mind. And you can do that by example. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep living your sober life, keep viewing the world as you do and maybe, just maybe, your colleague will see something that starts to make things click.
Thanks for all the help you've given me. Even though you didn't know you were helping
In my drinking days, if anyone at work had started talking to me about my drinking; about AA or anything to do with recovery, I know for a fact that I would have run straight back further into the embrace of my ever-present, ever-understanding addiction. It would have pushed me even further away from health.
You are certainly in a very tricky situation but you have many tools at your disposal. Your 2 years of sobriety has given you some awesome wisdom. I love reading your posts. I often read them and think, "Ah, that's why I'm feeling like this. It's ok. D122y felt like this. I'm normal and I'm going to be ok."
You can't make the decision to stop drinking for an active alcoholic but as someone else said, you can plant a seed in their mind. And you can do that by example. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep living your sober life, keep viewing the world as you do and maybe, just maybe, your colleague will see something that starts to make things click.
Thanks for all the help you've given me. Even though you didn't know you were helping
Blue Belt
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Originally Posted by Gottalife
Top of page ninety is a good place to start. Find out all you can about him. That could be just a matter of talking to him and asking the occasional question. No crusading or persuading. He may not want to stop just yet. It is a long game this one. The time alcoholics are open to a solution is often just after a binge. They may not be open for long, so it becomes a matter of waiting patiently until a window of opportunity occurs, and then being there to capitalize.
The book contains a lot of other ideas. Maybe leaving one of those twenty questions pamphlets around where he might find it. He will read it if he thinks no one is watching.
Probably the biggest thing in the meantime is to try and remember how to react to this individual. " though we did not like their symptoms and the way they disturbed us, we realized these were sick people too. We asked for the strength to treat this person With the same love and tolerance we would show a sick friend. God save us from getting angry." That was a very rough quote from chapter five..
You would not have liked me much either. My arrogance and false pride were beyond belief. I had an opinion on everything, and knew nothing about anything. I wrote off whole cultures without a thought, and whole sections of my community. Talk about ignorant. I was just like your buddy. But someone plated a seed, and saved my life.
The other option is to just detach, sometimes easier said than done.
The book contains a lot of other ideas. Maybe leaving one of those twenty questions pamphlets around where he might find it. He will read it if he thinks no one is watching.
Probably the biggest thing in the meantime is to try and remember how to react to this individual. " though we did not like their symptoms and the way they disturbed us, we realized these were sick people too. We asked for the strength to treat this person With the same love and tolerance we would show a sick friend. God save us from getting angry." That was a very rough quote from chapter five..
You would not have liked me much either. My arrogance and false pride were beyond belief. I had an opinion on everything, and knew nothing about anything. I wrote off whole cultures without a thought, and whole sections of my community. Talk about ignorant. I was just like your buddy. But someone plated a seed, and saved my life.
The other option is to just detach, sometimes easier said than done.
That was an inspiring response.
You hit the nail cause i have tried to detach.
I feel he is reaching out a bit lately because he initiated an invite recently.
I will try to do something positive w out over committing.
It is great having you here on SR.
Thanks.
Blue Belt
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Originally Posted by FeelingGreat
Hi D122, I'm with your way of thinking, that you're unlikely to cure him, and your intervention would be unwelcome and possibly make things worse. BTW your own journey to sobriety sounds admirable, especially working through anxiety issues on the way. If it didn't inspire your buddy to try it himself, it's unlikely anything else you can do will.
From your description he seems to be deteriorating and I wonder if time might take care of the problem by itself. Coming to work under the influence would be a sackable offence where I work - is it the same for you? Are you under some duty to report him on H&S grounds?
What's the situation with the boss that you can't go to him/her for help, or to discuss what's happening? I know you like your job, but it's not you whose misbehaving or becoming a bully.
If you're determined to deal with this on your own, you might have no choice but to call him on his behaviour when it gets out of hand. You don't have to get physical, in fact you shouldn't, but you can move into his space and let him know you're not backing down. Ignoring him has made it worse.
Anyone who has dealt with a drunk knows they have fuzzy boundaries and huge lack of judgement. I strongly advise you take this to management as its their duty to deal with it.
From your description he seems to be deteriorating and I wonder if time might take care of the problem by itself. Coming to work under the influence would be a sackable offence where I work - is it the same for you? Are you under some duty to report him on H&S grounds?
What's the situation with the boss that you can't go to him/her for help, or to discuss what's happening? I know you like your job, but it's not you whose misbehaving or becoming a bully.
If you're determined to deal with this on your own, you might have no choice but to call him on his behaviour when it gets out of hand. You don't have to get physical, in fact you shouldn't, but you can move into his space and let him know you're not backing down. Ignoring him has made it worse.
Anyone who has dealt with a drunk knows they have fuzzy boundaries and huge lack of judgement. I strongly advise you take this to management as its their duty to deal with it.
We were alkys together. I got clean because i was falling apart. I have a level of loyalty to him because we were both such drunks for a while.
I believe he is falling apart, but he currently is the type of alky that won't stop. Like that movie about those 4 alkys. I think 1 made it out...
My work environment has a subculture of drinking acceptance.
Folks can drink and be hung over. Because we work odd hours, many folks look like hell.... it is arguably hard to tell if someone is tired or hungover.
I think I can tell, but really the only way would be a blood test.
Folks have gotten in trouble w booze at my work and there is a tolerance level for it.
If something were to go very wrong, major issue, leadership might elect or be forced to take action..e.g. direct medical help or eventual sack.
I believe if I were to report him it would end up very bad for me. Snitch or stool pigeon status.
If something went wrong at work because of an error he makes due to his addiction, i would not be accountable and have plausible denial based on above.
Yep, calling him out personally is an option for sure. I am getting to that point. Since I have detached a bit, it has lessened the strain, but like you said..alkys are fuzzy. Love that term.
Thanks.
Blue Belt
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Originally Posted by Chaplain30
Its construction job right? Better to talk to him man to man and tell him to act normal to you or not even talk to you. If he does not listen dont do anything in workplace but puch his face after work.
Blue Belt
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Originally Posted by Berrybean
I feel your pain. I have a friend who I have felt the need to go no contact with. He no longer has anything I want (alcoholic lifestyle and thinking )and I don't have anything he wants (sobriety and recovery ). He was getting resentful and sometimes plain nasty (verbally ) to me, and I was getting exasperated with him. Often he complained about his drinking and his life, but had a complete lack of willingness to change anything or accept responsibility for himself. Fair enough. That's his call, but it's just too painful to watch. Neither of us seemed to be getting anything out of the acquaintance any longer.
I don't know how that would have worked out if I had to work with him though! Jeez. I'd be needing the serenity prayer and the resentment prayer pretty much constantly in your situation I reckon.
Prayers for you and your buddy from me this morning.
BB
I don't know how that would have worked out if I had to work with him though! Jeez. I'd be needing the serenity prayer and the resentment prayer pretty much constantly in your situation I reckon.
Prayers for you and your buddy from me this morning.
BB
I hoped I wasn't alone on this one.
When I put the question out there I was worried it would end up buried in the stack.
I know the serenity prayer but need to Google the resentment prayer.
Thank God I am sober. Dealing w this last 2 outbursts was easy. Back in the day it was...anything can happen time for me too....
Thanks.
Blue Belt
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Originally Posted by kenton
When I was drinking, I viewed anyone who didn't drink as a judgemental, goody-goody weirdo. I thought there was something wrong with them. Why couldn't they let their hair down and have some of the 'fun' I was having? It was convenient for my addiction to view non drinkers with contempt and that's why I somehow thought I was better than them. CRINGE!!!
In my drinking days, if anyone at work had started talking to me about my drinking; about AA or anything to do with recovery, I know for a fact that I would have run straight back further into the embrace of my ever-present, ever-understanding addiction. It would have pushed me even further away from health.
You are certainly in a very tricky situation but you have many tools at your disposal. Your 2 years of sobriety has given you some awesome wisdom. I love reading your posts. I often read them and think, "Ah, that's why I'm feeling like this. It's ok. D122y felt like this. I'm normal and I'm going to be ok."
You can't make the decision to stop drinking for an active alcoholic but as someone else said, you can plant a seed in their mind. And you can do that by example. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep living your sober life, keep viewing the world as you do and maybe, just maybe, your colleague will see something that starts to make things click.
Thanks for all the help you've given me. Even though you didn't know you were helping
In my drinking days, if anyone at work had started talking to me about my drinking; about AA or anything to do with recovery, I know for a fact that I would have run straight back further into the embrace of my ever-present, ever-understanding addiction. It would have pushed me even further away from health.
You are certainly in a very tricky situation but you have many tools at your disposal. Your 2 years of sobriety has given you some awesome wisdom. I love reading your posts. I often read them and think, "Ah, that's why I'm feeling like this. It's ok. D122y felt like this. I'm normal and I'm going to be ok."
You can't make the decision to stop drinking for an active alcoholic but as someone else said, you can plant a seed in their mind. And you can do that by example. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep living your sober life, keep viewing the world as you do and maybe, just maybe, your colleague will see something that starts to make things click.
Thanks for all the help you've given me. Even though you didn't know you were helping
We are brothers in sobriety.
Wow, you made my year!
Thanks for advice and reassurance.
I am still healing after 2 years. It gets better every day.
Stay clean.
Thanks.
Blue Belt
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Originally Posted by Delilah1
Hello!
First, I love that you have two years sober, I'm a few months behind you, but it is such a great feeling.
I have learned the hard way that it is important to draw a line between friends, and professional friendly relationships at work, especially if you are in a leadership position. I know deep down you want to help him, but sounds like distancing yourself so you don't end up in those situations that cause stress for very good reasons. Is it possible to step back and add that distance, it remain collegial and professional?
First, I love that you have two years sober, I'm a few months behind you, but it is such a great feeling.
I have learned the hard way that it is important to draw a line between friends, and professional friendly relationships at work, especially if you are in a leadership position. I know deep down you want to help him, but sounds like distancing yourself so you don't end up in those situations that cause stress for very good reasons. Is it possible to step back and add that distance, it remain collegial and professional?
Great job for you too. We all here know booze is poison.
2 years is liberating. The feelings for me are truly better now than before.
It is hard explain exactly, things are simply overall better. People just seem to like me more now than when I was a drunk. I definitely have more patience...I think that is huge...
Thanks for the advice.
It is possible step away and remain professional.
It is reassuring to know I am not alone in my management of this.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by D122y
Bb,
I hoped I wasn't alone on this one.
When I put the question out there I was worried it would end up buried in the stack.
I know the serenity prayer but need to Google the resentment prayer.
Thank God I am sober. Dealing w this link st 2 outbursts was easy. Back in the day it was...anything can happen time for me too....
Thanks.
I hoped I wasn't alone on this one.
When I put the question out there I was worried it would end up buried in the stack.
I know the serenity prayer but need to Google the resentment prayer.
Thank God I am sober. Dealing w this link st 2 outbursts was easy. Back in the day it was...anything can happen time for me too....
Thanks.
RESENTMENT PRAYER:
God, I have a resentment towards X that I want to be free of.
So I am asking you to give X everything I want for myself.
Help me feel compassion; understanding and love for X.
I pray that X will receive everything they need.
Thankyou for your help and strength with this resentment.
I also find this one invaluable when dealing with people who aren't behaving as I might like / hope / expect ...
God, help me to accept that people may be unreasonable and self-centred. Let me forgive them anyway.
Help me to accept that if I’m kind, people may accuse me of ulterior motives. Let me be kind anyway.
Help me to accept that if I find happiness, people may be jealous. Let me be happy anyway.
Help me to accept that the good I do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Let me do good anyway.
Help me to accept that I may give the world my best, and it may never be good enough. Let me give my best anyway.
God, help me to remember that it is between you and me. It was never between me and them anyway.
BB
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