heartbreak rollercoaster

Old 05-26-2017, 07:37 AM
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heartbreak rollercoaster

These last few months has been a complete roller coaster. My wife and I were separated due to her addiction. I was forced to make a choice and kick her out because of how out of control she had become. The use of alcohol and using drugs based on the people she started to hang out with. Then came the stage where we didn't talk for weeks and then we came back together. She started going to rehab and that lasted a few weeks, then one day she just stopped going she says she doesn't feel like she needs It anymore. I have read about this and it is normal. The thing that is destroying me is one day she loves me and things are great the next day she will find anything to be upset and then she is done with me and we go days without talking. She says she isn't using anymore but the other night she came home smelling like liquor and said she only had two drinks and that she cut herself off. Right then I knew we were going back down this path. She has been staying with me every night but will claim to have to go home to grab something and will be there for hours and not respond to any of my calls or anything. Recently she has found something to be upset about and now we are back on this "done" stages. She lives with other addicts and I hate the environment she seems to be easily influenced now a days and it's like as soon as she goes back to that house she becomes someone else. I am trying to keep my wits I try to go to counseling but on the inside I am losing it. I wake up in the middle of the night and just worry I tend to call her without thinking to see if she's ok after I wake up in the middle of the night only to not get a reply. Everyone says I should leave but I love her more than anything and I am fighting but I can literally feel myself losing it. She takes and takes and doesn't give anything. Nothing is ever her fault and there is always a justification for her actions. I am constantly wondering if she even thinks of me or realizes what she's doing. Am I the only one that goes through this? Is this normal? Am I weak these are things that run through my head on the daily. This thread is all over the place but I guess this is my daily rent. Bless you all that take the time to read this.
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Old 05-26-2017, 08:31 AM
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It took me quite some time to recognize my behavior towards addict. I never asked for anything, I just pleased and pleased and controlled and pleased and backed away and manipulated and lied and allowed to be stepped on and allowed to be treated poorly and then some. I always thought that it will soon get better, it will be fine, just tomorrow.

In the process I become sick, obsessed, addicted to constant thinking why is she not responding, why is she not picking up the phone, why why why, would she be drunk a lot when I came home, will she be there, will she scream at me? What my evening will be? Is she going to be angry, mean again? Or will she be just a bit happier than yesterday? My life turned into nightmare. I was in constant state of stress, anxiety, out of focus, out of my mind. And only time I was at ease was when either she told me "I probably should drink less", or when she was sleeping (read: passed out) in the bed.

She never actually stopped, she kept drinking, and kept doing the same things over and over again, as I was too doing the same things over and over again. Indeed a crazy heartbreaking rollecoster. I mistook my codependency and addiction to an addict to a love. And I did not truly loved the most important person in my life - myself.

I remember going to my first AlAnon meeting after like 18 months of this. I was scared ********, I was nauseous of constant stress, worries and anxiety. But I went non the less. I realized I hit my rock bottom. That things can only improve from now on, because it could not get any worse for me.

And indeed the things are slowly but surely starting to make a lot more sense now. And I see a happy moment there and there. I am finally starting to take care about myself, my needs and wants.
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Old 05-26-2017, 08:33 AM
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Your story sounds normal to me, Norr. Your wife is an active addict hanging out with her kind which means there is no chance of change in the near future. Bring the focus back upon you and what you can do to bring some serenity back into your life.Alanon is something I highly recommend for someone in your situation. They helped me to see my circumstances in a clear and objective manner and gave me tools that allowed me to get my life back on track. Counseling helped too. And researching addiction and how it alters the workings of the brain to create a completely different person than the one you think you are dealing with. Your journey to a different but rewarding life is just beginning, may you be given the patience and understanding to stay on it. Good luck.
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Old 05-26-2017, 09:11 AM
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I agree with Sissyfuss. This would be a great weekend to find an Alanon meeting. You don't have to say a word unless you want to. It is therapeutic to hear the stories of those who have walked in your shoes and who understand.
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Old 05-26-2017, 09:22 AM
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"She lives with other addicts and I hate the environment she seems to be easily influenced now a days and it's like as soon as she goes back to that house she becomes someone else."

She's using every time she goes back there. And the solution to that is NOT to have her move back in with you...she'll find a way to use no matter what.

Getting YOU some help is crucial. Therapy or Al-anon...this board is also a terrific resource but we're still just strangers on the internet, we can't be there in person. But if you read the Friends and Family section, you can see how often this happens and that you are not alone.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 05-26-2017, 09:35 AM
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I found help for my codependency issues before my boyfriend ever sought recovery. As was said, it is easy for your wife's sickness to become YOUR sickness if you don't learn more about emotional boundaries.

Therapy has really helped for me. As has reading -- Loving Someone in Recovery and any of Melody Beattie's books (Codependent No More).

I know from experience, it is very difficult when someone you love is struggling. Addiction prevents people from being able to perceive how much hurt they are causing others, even when its right under their noses. But she won't be able to care for you how you deserve until she seeks help -- and there is nothing you can do to make her do that. It must be her decision. So in the meantime, you MUST take good, good care of yourself. Therapy, research and Al-Anon will help give you tools to make you happy and healthy regardless of her actions. I think you will be surprised that when you start putting your focus on your life, that things become a lot easier and make a lot more sense.
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Old 05-26-2017, 10:50 AM
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I know it's hard, but I am going to tell you to live your life, take care of yourself, go to Al-Anon or some other support group , and just be.
Let your wife follow her path. You can't change her behavior. The crazy mood swings, the blame, the diappearances. She is drinking and doesn't seem to want to stop.
You can't change her, but you can change you.
Peace.
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Old 05-26-2017, 10:55 AM
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She takes and takes and doesn't give anything. Nothing is ever her fault and there is always a justification for her actions. I am constantly wondering if she even thinks of me or realizes what she's doing.

that does not sound healthy or balanced in the slightest. i read some of your backstory, this is a woman who has cheated on you MANY times, has a whole host of other transgressions, and you've only been together about 3.5 years.

her issues aside for the moment, let's focus on you. what DO you get out of staying and fighting? why do you take the abuse and disrespect? what are your dealbreakers? have you gotten so accustomed to the "battle" that you forgot what the point was?
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