Amanda217

Hi everyone I'm new to this so sorry if I my post is ranting and way too long! I've been with my alcoholic for 19 years and probably 19 too many. We have 3 children together. He is not violent towards myself or our children. I love him and I guess I hate him as well. Tonight everything was going fine, I was sitting at the table talking to the kids and we were trying to plan our youngest ones Birthday party, he was washing the dishes, not contributing to the conversation. He was supposed to be working tomorrow which means 6 beers is his limit as he has an interlocker and the car won't start if he has more than that. Then he goes outside for a smoke comes back in and asks me to drive him to the shop, I could tell he was almost in the tears so followed him into the bedroom wondering wtf had just happened in the last 5 minutes?? He breaks down crying and says he just can't handle it anymore.... I react with wtf can't you handle.. he is virtually non responsive but I think it had something to do with being broke all the time... so he had rang his boss to say he couldn't work tomorrow which I cracked it about because it really doesn't make sense to me to not go to work to earn money when you are stressed about lack of!! so as usual I drive him to the bottle shop and then as usual he asks me to drive him to a mates place... I say this because it happens approx every 3 weeks... I drop him off and tell him to fxxx off, knowing he only goes there because they don't care if he writes himself off for the rest of the weekend. I can't give you too much background as I would have to write a book but pretty much since I've known him he has always had someone to blame for his alcoholism.... first it was the death of his mum but after 10 years I told him I was sick of hearing about it, then he moved on to his dad and was always crying about how miserable his childhood was but to be honest it really didn't compare to mine where I spent the first 15 years of my life on edge never knowing when my dad would start beating my mum and then the next few being terrified of my dad turning up telling us how he was going to kill us all and then finding out he had our house phone bugged for 3 years and he would relay my private conversations to everyone!! And the worst thing he could say about his dad was that he wasn't interested in him when he got home from work and used to call him a poofter! Wtf!! My dad never spoke to me when he got home either but I'm not an alcoholic because of it. Anyway after I got sick of hearing about his dad the he turned on mum... she was the reason he needed to drink so much!! So now he doesn't seem to come up with too many reasons but goes on more benders than ever!! I'm not even sure what type of advice I'm asking for here but I'm certainly not asking for sympathy. I guess I know I need to end it with him but I the only thing that holds me back is that I know he will end up homeless and incapable of working. I've tried so many avenues of getting help for him or rehab but there are always long waiting lists and by the time his turn comes he doesn't want the help anymore. I'm not sure why I feel the need to look after him and I don't know how to not feel guilt for looking after myself and children. Thanks for listening and any suggestions of what to do with him would be very helpful.

RollTide

Amanda,

I can relate to living with an alcoholic who is a "victim of the world." We did not have children. In the end I had to escape the insanity and I have never regretted it.

There will be people along soon who will have words of comfort and wisdom far beyond what I could offer.

Glad you found us....this place saved my life when I was in the middle of chaos.

Ariesagain

You're a smart person. You know you can't fix him and as long as you keep driving him to the bottle shop, takng care of the kids and paying the bills, he really has no reason to try to change.

Your kids are being raised in anger and chaos, just the way you were. They are likely to recreate that in their own lives, just the way you did.. Is that what you want for them?

Sending you a hug.

AnvilheadII

hi and welcome.

this jumped out at me, and i think might be a good place for you to think about making changes in YOUR actions:

so as usual I drive him to the bottle shop and then as usual he asks me to drive him to a mates place... I say this because it happens approx every 3 weeks..

the only way the pattern will change is if YOU change. driving him to GET alcohol is enabling. then driving him like he's a teenager without his permit to go visit his buddy.

it's tough being an ACOA (Adult Child of an Alcoholic) because we often find ourselves right back in the very situation we vowed to NEVER be in again.

as a child you did not HAVE a choice.
as an adult you DO.
and as an adult you now have children to tend and protect. make them your focus.

VigilanceNow

Hi Amanda, welcome. Sorry that you are going through this with your husband and three children; it sounds incredibly frustrating.

One thing I can say is that alcoholics will find any excuse to drink when in reality we don't even need one. I thought of a million different perfectly logical excuses to drink - I was happy, I was sad, I was angry, I was disappointed, I was bored, I was celebrating something, everyone else was drinking... blabla the list goes on. It's all part of an attempt to rationalize behavior that we know is destructive, yet we somehow cannot seem to stop. It's often as baffling for the active alcoholic as it is for everyone around them. So don't even entertain him if he tries to give you some kind of an excuse - trying to explain this behavior will drive you insane. He drinks because he is an alcoholic and he is not seeking some kind of program/treatment. This is what he should be doing, but as you know, he needs to realize that on his own. You can suggest it, but in the end he has to want it.

I wish you the very best and encourage you to think first and foremost of yourself and your children Hugs!

Txbuttercup

1. Alcoholics will find any excuse to drink. In bad times to cope, good times to celebrate, peaceful times to break the monotony.

2. Some people get dealt bad hands in life. I stopped arguing with my husband whether his problems were "worthy" of a drinking problem a long time ago. We all have different thresholds, something I take in stride might bring some one else to their knees and vice versa. Once some one starts coping with stress with alcohol, especially at a young age, they fail to learn any other coping skills. It's the only tool in their emotional toolbox, and a pretty sucky one at that, so every little stress is amplified.

Fact is, sometimes life gives you a valid reason to drink. Everyday.
But we as humans have to make the decision not to anyways.

The choice to drink is his, regardless what happened to him today, yesterday, or decades ago.

In the same thread, I'm learning that just because I have the *right* to be angry doesn't mean I *have* to be. That choice is mine.

honeypig

Tx, this is really good! Thanks.

amanda, welcome to SR. I hope you can take some time to read around the forums. Make sure not to miss the stickies at the top of the page; there is a lot of experience and wisdom in those threads.

I'd like to recommend Alanon, too--SR and Alanon were a powerful combo for me, each having its own strengths.

Keep reading, keep posting. You have the power to change your own life once you make the decision to do so.

BoxinRotz

I don't know how full of crap my husband is or isn't but me leaving him has been a wake up call for the both of us. It forced him back to work and gave him a real swift kick in the pants when nothing else I did seemed to help the situation we found ourselves in.

I have been listening to him tell me that me leaving has opened his eyes to the reality of the hell we've been living. Now is the time for him to put up or shut up. Your husband survived just fine before you... he will survive without you. I promise you that!