serenitynowplz

I woke up this morning reflecting on WHY I have chosen, subconsciously or not, to put myself at risk of losing my marriage, my family, my happiness and everything I have. Do I feel unworthy? Do I self-loathe? Am I trying to quell a deep pain inside and a constant fear inside that I cannot understand nor duly explain? It's about so much more than alcohol. That's just an outlet. How do I identify and heal what's really going on inside me when I can't point my finger on it? I just know that it's pain, anger and fear.

tomsteve

"How do I identify and heal what's really going on inside me when I can't point my finger on it? '

the program of AA helped me find causes and conditions for the underlying issues that alcohol was just a symptom of.
it also had great solutiuons for me,too.

MrPL

Hi Serenity,

I had a similar problem. What worked for me was to pick a piece of paper, didive my life in key areas (family, work, health, etc...), write down what the ideal me looks like, and then the steps I need to get there, which became my recovery plan.

In other words, instead of focusing on what is wrong, maybe focus on what should be right and go for it.

You can do this.
Best wishes

P

Anna

Excellent post! I agree with you that alcohol, in itself, is not the problem. It's the underlying issues that we need to deal with that led us to addiction. How do you figure out what the issues are? I think, on some level, you know. You can be still and listen to the small voice, you can journal, meditate - these are things that will help you see the problems clearly. I did feel unworthy of a good life and I did hate myself. I had to get in touch with the parts of myself that I liked/loved and build from there. I had to let go of false notions of myself that I had clung to. It's why recovery is a journey.

Nonsensical

I know drinking is ruining things.
I drink anyway.
Therefore, I must subconsciously want to ruin things.

I believed that logic chain for a long time. Turns out it wasn't true.

I didn't want to ruin anything, I just wanted to be able to drink. I tried very hard NOT to ruin things with my drinking. I hid it, I throttled back at special occasions, I bought at different stores so no one would find out, etc.

I didn't need a subconscious reason to drink. I was just addicted.

Dee74

I had to approach it from the opposite direction. I had to quit drinking before I dove into all those why questions.

Sober me had a decent chance of finding answers - drunk me had no chance at all.