strugglingguy

Wife is in day 2 of in patient rehab for alcohol and I'm terrified. I love her and I'm scared of what the process will do to her, to me and to us. I was given a bunch of literature and reading to do and it seems like its incredibly common for couples to wind up divorced. A lot of it seems to say that as she focuses on recovery and taking care of herself, she is likely to get more and more comfortable sharing intimate details about herself with her groups and therapists and as this happens it weakens our bonds. it says that as she progresses in recovery she is likely to change as a person and often times this leads to wanting a clean start, Before this week, we shared everything. I'm willing to do anything to help her and understand she has a lot to work through but the idea of not knowing whats shes feeling, thinking or going through is incredibly painful for me. before this we were the kind of couple that always turned to each other for help, now she is in therapy and I am home taking care of the kids and house. she is one place working on her issues and I am in a different place with issues of my own and I dont have her to turn to. The thought of losing her is worse than anything she did while drinking, Does anyone have any insight into this?

JK130

Hey Strugglingguy, I just want to welcome you to SR. You sound like a caring and committed partner. I don't have any answers but know that she needs to be healthy, and free of alcohol in the long run. Do you have any support for yourself?

Seren

Hello Struggling, and Welcome to SR!!

I am glad you found your way here, but so very sorry for the reasons why.

The addicts and alcoholics in my life have always been family members (sister, aunt, uncle, cousins, stepson, etc.). So, I have no experience to share about a spouse in rehab.

One thing I do know is that early recovery is a very selfish time for the alcoholic just as in active addiction. The individual needs to focus completely on changing their thinking and habits in order to obtain and maintain sobriety for their whole life. Now, as far as the gloom and doom of the literature? I can't speak to that.

There are many recovered/recovering alcoholics on the "other side" of this board who are still married. What I hope you can do during this time that your wife is in rehab is to find some support for yourself. Have you considered al-anon for yourself? Perhaps you can seek out a counselor who is experienced in addiction? The greatest chances of success are when both partners are working on themselves so that they can come together as a healthy team.

I hope you will stick around! This is a wonderful and supportive resource! Take care.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome! What you're reading (and maybe you're just focusing on the parts that scare you?) is a possibility, but by no means a universal fact. Other negative possibilities include her going right back to drinking--that's a definite negative. Recovery is no guarantee that a relationship will survive, but if it doesn't, that isn't due to the recovery process. You may not know "sober" her, and there are a lot of changes in early sobriety.

I agree with Seren--if you get support for your own recovery, that will put you in the best possible position to rebuild your relationship or to go on to have a happy life if things do not work out. It will be good for you regardless of what happens.

Glad you're here--stick around.

maia1234

Sg,
Welcome glad you found us. You sound very concerned for your wife's well being. I know you love her, as all of us codies love our addicts, but it is out of our control. You need to step back, and if she truly wants to get sober, she will. We do not need to help them in anyway, as this is a one man show. (Just a fyi, chances are against her that she stays sober from rehab, it truly is a long battle / go and read the new to recovery forum here and see how they struggle staying sober or getting sober)

So with that said, I second what seren and lexie said, what are you doing for you? Us codies don't recognize how sick we become in the marriage. Truly the best thing you can do is work on yourself. What are you going to do if she relapses? Learn how to mind your own business and let her figure it out, your cant help her in any way. I would hit some open aa meetings, and or maybe an addiction therapist. There is a lot of help for you if you choose to do the work. Give her to God to watch over and you figure out what roll you had in this alcoholic marriage, as alcoholism is a family disease. You enabled her, you helped her you made excuses for her. In rehab she needs to grow up, sober up and work a program, its tough for her, but it is the only way for her to truly survive and stay sober.

Hugs my friend, you can do this!! Stick around and do some reading!!

strugglingguy

The materials I was given talk about this as the reason why divorce is so common. It says that as the person focuses entirely on them self and developing new ways of thinking and acting they (1) aren't spending time nurturing their spouse and marriage (2) they develop bonds with the 'new' people in their lives; counselors, doctors, therapists, other alcoholics. Their new relationships have a common theme / element that isn't present in the relationship with the spouse so the recovering person feels like the new people understand them more than the spouse (3) The recovering spouse experiences guilt and remorse for whats happened and often looks to avoid or escape that or get a clean start. (4) because of their time in rehab, therapy and groups like AA, the recovering spouse is essentially trained to look outside the marriage for support and understanding. the spouse only theoretically understands what the recovering person is going through. The new people in the alcoholics life actually know and have experienced it. My only fear with all of this is that this process will weaken my marriage rather than strengthening it,

strugglingguy

For me. this sums up the the entire issue. We have been together over 20 years. In that time, we have never not helped each other carry the burden, work through problems or shared our trials. SHE is my business and I have no idea how to stand by and watch her suffer.

LexieCat

Well, here's one thing you might want to consider. Al-Anon (which is for family and friends of alcoholics) is also a 12-Step program. If your wife is in AA, your participation in Al-Anon will give you a "common language" about recovery. I know many couples in recovery who found their relationships became much deeper as a result.

One other thing--you can't predict how things will turn out based on how she behaves the first several months to a year of sobriety. During that time, alcoholics HAVE to focus on their recovery and prioritize it over their other relationships and obligations. Because if they don't stay sober, they will lose those things anyway.

Worrying about it won't help you one bit. Taking care of yourself, learning about alcoholism, and focusing on your own recovery will.

honeypig

Hi, struggling. I'm short on time but wanted to address 2 things in particular:

This would not be true recovery. If your spouse is indeed looking to avoid or escape facing the truth, she has missed the point of rehab and recovery, which is all about taking responsibility for herself and her actions. If this is where she is, then other problems are a certainty in the not-too-distant future, either a quick return to drinking or "dry drunk" behavior.

I'm sorry but I call complete BS on this whole statement. "Trained to look outside the marriage for support"? Then is that what we are to expect from anyone who seeks help from a therapist, counselor, 12-step group, etc., that they no longer can relate to the "civilians" in their lives and only trained professionals and others w/their same exact experiences and problems? We should expect anyone who "looks for help outside their marriage" to end in divorce? This simply makes NO sense to me--who ever said our spouse was to be our only source of help, all knowing, all seeing, and to ask anyone else for help is somehow betraying the marriage?

BAH!!

Again, the whole point of recovery is to allow the recovered person to live a full and happy life in the world as it is, NOT to move him/her from the cage of addiction to a different kind of cage.

I don't know who this rehab has writing their materials, but IMHO, it's garbage...

I hope you can take some time to read around the forum, making sure to not miss the stickies at the top of the page. I can pretty much guarantee you that you'll get better info than in the "informational materials" this "rehab" gave you...

strugglingguy

It more than scares me. It terrifies me. We have been together over 23 years. The drinking is new, in terms of our time together. She's only been drinking about 3 years and its only been a problem for about 18 months,

ladyscribbler

It might be helpful to reframe these thoughts. You're not abandoning her to suffer alone. She has a large support system of professionals and recovering alcoholics who are helping her navigate this.

What about you? Don't you deserve some support for yourself?

And for what it's worth, an AA/Alanon couple I know renewed their vows at the Alano club last year. It was a nice day.

FireSprite

First, deep breaths. Your panic is coming through loud & clear.

It sounds to me like the literature you're reading focuses on all the wrong things & all the worst-case scenarios. Don't let that be your guide through this process.

Think about it this way - sometimes the best way to support someone IS to let them face their problems on their own. The most supportive thing CAN be letting a person have the dignity of finding their own path, their own way, in their own time.

That isn't the same thing as "standing by & watching her suffer" and both of you growing separately but together shouldn't be a terrifying thought, right?

My fear in early recovery of all the things that you describe scared me to my bones. It took me too long to understand that it was fear that I was truly feeling - fear over my lack of control at what those changes would bring. Even while I knew that what we had been living was unacceptable & unsustainable, I was MORE afraid of changing to the unknown. And more than that - I was astonished to see my own need for control so clearly; I had NO idea about this quality in myself, no understanding of how deeply ingrained it had become.

I'm not one to sit on the fence for long - those spikes start to become pretty painful, lol. For me, diving into recovery on my side was the right thing - and it has paid off a 1000% in return. For our marriage to have survived this process this far, it has taken both of us actively working our respective recoveries & a LOT of baby steps.

aliciagr

Its a bit late for this advice since your wife is already in this particular treatment center, but it really does pay to do research on what their philosophy is.

The inpatient part will probably only be for 30 days and after that your wife will need to determine what it is she herself needs in terms of support. If you have a long history together then trust in the fact that she will not turn away from you completely, but will just find a way to allow other support systems like therapy or meetings come into her life as a means to help her reach her overall goal's , possibly- a happy, healthy life shared with her husband.

My husband has been seeing a therapist for his recovery, although he does not use meetings. In therapy he has learned mental skills to help him just say no to using. But deeper than that, it has allowed him to examine what I will call underlying emotional issues. Things from his past that have affected him, ways he projects a negative self image onto himself. Its a process not meant to make him dependent on the therapist, but actually the opposite - independent, emotionally and mentally stronger within himself, with a sense of closure on various issues. He often shares with me things from his therapy and we discuss his feelings.

I have been in therapy too since his drug and alcohol use issues from last year. The therapist helped me find ways to reduce my anxiety, gave me an outlet to talk about my fears, trauma that I experienced while he was acting crazy and abusive towards me. The doctor doesnt try to make me think a certain way, and has never tried to create a distance between me and my husband. In fact, it was suggested that we also do family therapy together. We started that with a different therapist independent from the ones we worked with on our own.

I actually feel like I know my husband better now than I did before, and we have less barriers when discussing our emotions because we have both gained a new confidence within ourselves.

After a while, family therapy might be something you and your wife would like to look into as part of the overall recovery process.

LexieCat

Just one other observation. I can't say, because I haven't looked at it, whether there are also positive things in the literature you brought home--I suspect it isn't all doom and gloom, but you're focusing on what scares you.

I suspect that the reason they are giving you a heads-up about all this is that many people have the unrealistic belief that someone goes into rehab, comes out ALL BETTER, and life goes right back to where it was before the drinking. And that isn't true.

One encouraging thing you've said is that for most of your marriage drinking was not a problem, and that it was a relatively recent development that escalated quickly. Often those people have less of a challenge re-adjusting to the sober life they led for a long time. My own alcoholism developed later in life (in my 40s, though there were warning signs in my college drinking), and I my drinking escalated over the course of 10 years or so before I quit. I had much less difficulty than people who had been drinking for much longer from a much earlier age. I still remembered what sober life was like.

So, to coin a phrase, Keep Calm. Hopefully she will be very dedicated to her recovery and soon ready to work on healing your relationship.

keepongoing1369

Hi there! Thank you for writing.

My boyfriend just came out of a 30 day rehab program yesterday, and I feel as though I could have written this exact post a month ago.

I know it's scary, and a very emotional time. I was both relieved and terrified when he went to rehab -- I really missed him. But what I learned is that I, too, had a whole bunch of issues to sort through... I had a lot of pain and hurt that I never dealt with when he was using, because my focus was on HIM. When he went away, a lot of that floated to the surface -- as was necessary! As much as you love your partner, your pain matters too! And now is your chance to get better!

My boyfriend stopped contacting me half-way through his program -- I was very upset and scared for a long time. When we spoke on the phone, he sounded exhausted. He even stopped saying "I love you," which was very difficult and confusing. But much to my surprise, he called me this morning and could not have sounded happier, more optimistic about the future. Now, that's not to say everything is fixed -- we still have a long road ahead of us, and lots to work through -- but your wife is doing EXACTLY what she needs to do right now, which is focus on herself. The more work she does now, the better shape she can get in. The only way she will be capable of being kind and generous to you (the way you deserve!) is if she gets healthy first.

This might seem crazy to you right now, but try to see the gift that you've been given. Your wife is in GREAT hands. And now you FINALLY have an opportunity to be kind and good to yourself! Spend time with your family, get some good exercise and do something nice for yourself. Your wife has been sick, and I'm guessing it has been very hard on you as well. Don't you deserve a little happiness right now?

AnvilheadII

we have never not helped each other carry the burden, work through problems or shared our trials.
SHE is my business and I have no idea how to stand by and watch her suffer.

well she managed to find her way into a drinking problem without your help, right. because she IS still an individual with her own set of issues, beliefs, values and thoughts. and for some reason, turning to alcohol was a choice she made.

she's on day 2 and you are worried about divorce.

here's the question - do you want her sober and healthy? that is the goal of rehab....to get her started on the road to wellness. on the road to never needing to turn to a drink again. what happens after that is anybody's guess...........you can be assured that if she truly WANTS to stay sober then she WILL get very involved in recovery-based activities and will be around other recovering alcoholics. and things WILL be different.

now is the time to shore up your own recovery. re-learn a sense of IN-dependence. reacquaint with your self as a separate being.

Jaeger

strugglingguy,
Welcome to SR! I agree with the above material but that doesn't mean you have to be left behind. My husband is getting near his 2 year sobriety birthday. Yes, our marriage did change but for the BETTER! He is very involved in AA. I am very involved in Al-Anon. I really encourage you to try to find some meetings to attend.

Al-Anon is for friends and family of alcoholics. We use the same 12 steps that AA does. We can and do talk recovery with each other. That's not to say we are involved with each other's. His is his and mine is mine but we share a common dialect. We occasionally attend some meetings together, mainly one that is an open Big Book study. This meeting is a combination of both rooms. We have mutual friends in both programs. Several of us will go out to eat together after meetings and even spend weekends together at conferences. It really is just like having a large loving family that accepts you just as you are. That's pretty amazing to me!

My marriage had problems very early on concerning alcohol. You stated yours was great until the last 2 years. That's a big positive. I never imagined my marriage could be half as great as it is today! Never. That's not to say we don't still have issues now and then but who doesn't?

I understand the anxiety and worry but I think if you can try to think about it rationally, it will subside. To be honest, when I first read your post, the first thing that came to mind was prescription drug pamphlets. You know how they have to list each and every horrible thing that *might* occur.
Jaeger

maia1234

Sg, I love this, so just keep an open mind, my friend.


If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...

The sooner you allow me to feel th e loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ... I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top.

In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

timetohealguy

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in a few months but have been reading the boards pretty frequently.

I have been taking some time away from the boards to focus on my own recovery from depression and complex PTSD symptoms instead of focusing on the details of why my ex was abusing alcohol and the chaos of what was supposed to be her "recovery".

This thread really caught my attention because I have experienced exactly what strugglingguy is talking about, so my reply here is from the perspective of being subjected to exactly what strugglingguy is concerned about, and a warning about what I experienced ... the stuff that strugglingguy had the hairs on the back of my neck standing up ...


From my personal experience since my ex went through 3 separate therapists who tried to get her sober, there are two types of treatment ...


One type (and I'll call this the "put the family first" type), recognises that the alcoholic's drinking has damaged their spouse, children and family and treats the family as a unit. The goal of this kind of treatment is NOT simply to get the alcoholic sober with no regard to the spouse and children.

The "put the family first" kind of treatment places equal importance on getting the alcoholic sober, helping the spouse and children to heal, and keeping the family together at the end of the treatment.

I have even seen an article which says that the alcoholic is NOT the primary patient - the members of the family who have been damaged by the alcoholic's drinking are the primary patients - because they have been sober they are the ones who have been most traumatized by the alcoholic's drinking, not the alcoholic themself who has been numbed by the stupor of alcoholism.

So in this type of treatment, the alcoholic is treated, but not by throwing aside the needs of the spouse and family of the alcoholic.

The first therapist who tried to get my ex sober was absolutely of this "put the family first" type. He was a wonderful therapist who I trusted completely.

While he was getting my ex sober through outpatient alcohol counselling, he was also completely in my corner any time my ex was abusive to me. He helped me enforce boundaries which she was trying to run straight over and disregard.

Personality-wise he was compassionate with my ex, but at the same time he made it crystal clear that he would not allow her to subject me to abuse during her recovery. Essentially he put in place a set of boundaries around her behavior and he held her accountable any time she broke those boundaries.

Effectively what he did was outpatient rehab. And it was extremely effective. After a period of her abusing alcohol for at least 12 months prior to his treatment, he got her to stop drinking completely, she took responsibility for her behaviour, she made amends, the full 9 yards. It also only took him a few months to get her from being in hospital due to alcohol to this point where things were better than they had been in years.

This therapist was a senior therapist with many years of experience, and he absolutely knew his stuff. It was masterful to watch.


After a few months sober however, my ex relapsed with alcohol, big time. She went from no alcohol at all to drinking every day in a period of 1 week. I immediately informed her therapist, and his response was "bring her to my office at 9AM tomorrow morning". He then started treated the relapse.

Once again he put our family first. But this time, my ex was extremely resistant.

She then started a smear campaign against her therapist to me and to her family of origin. She started saying she didn't want to do therapy sessions with him any more. It was clear her addiction to alcohol was calling the shots, and because the therapist was a threat to her addiction, her addiction wanted him gone.

She eventually convinced her parents that the best thing would be for her to stop seeing this therapist. And then she ended treatment with him - I was terrified about what would happen next.

Sure enough, within days of her ending treatment with him, she went completely off the rails. She ended up in hospital again due to alcohol. I was terrified she was going to die.


THERAPIST NUMBER TWO

I immediately got her to a new therapist to try to stop the slide into oblivion.

The new therapist was also a "put the family first" type. This therapist had worked in a rehab center previously and was an expert in alcohol rehab.

The new therapist had some one on one sessions with my ex, then asked for me to start attending some sessions with my ex, which I wholeheartedly agreed to do.

The first session I attended with my ex, I was appalled - my ex had painted a picture to the new therapist of me being a horrendous and horrible person, and that my ex's unhappiness was due to me refusing to "change".

After two sessions, I realised that the new therapist had no idea whatsoever about my ex's drinking - my ex had clearly not mentioned alcohol at all to the new therapist.

So I contacted the therapist after the second session and told the therapist the reality of my ex's drinking and the previous 12 months.

At the next session, the therapist sat me and my ex down at the start of the session, turned to my ex and said "I know the truth about what has been going on the last 12 months. There is not going to be any blame or arguments about what has called these problems. We are all just going to get on with it and treat it".

The next couple of months saw great improvement. Now armed with the truth, the therapist was on the lookout for all the tricks and ploys that alcoholics use. Things started improving rapidly. My ex stopped drinking again, and she was starting to make amends etc.

My ex and I had a session with the "put the family first" therapist in which we spoke seriously about my ex's desire to start a family. The therapist felt this was a great goal because it would help my ex think about looking after her health, and help to reinforce the need for her to get sober. I also made it absolutely clear to my ex that until she had achieved long term sobriety, I would not start a family with her - there was no way I was going to bring a child into a household with alcohol problems. My ex desperately craved starting a family, so I ethically used that as a goal that would help her want sobriety.



THERAPIST NUMBER 3

Simultaneously to this treatment, my ex's parents convinced my ex to start seeing a separate therapist, without me included.


THINGS START CHANGING

Soon after my ex started seeing the other therapist, things started going downhill between my ex and I, fast.

While previously my ex and I had been rebuilding closeness between us in our sessions together with the "put the family first" therapist, suddenly my ex started becoming distant. She also started drinking again, and all of a sudden, I was being accused of everything being my fault again.

I wondered what was being said in the sessions with the other therapist.

I could feel in my gut that something was not right - the way my ex's parents were acting towards me was changing fast. Whereas previously I got on very well with her parents, now they were often giving me looks of contempt.

My ex started drinking again, and I then had my ex yelling at me in drunken rages again, screaming at me accusing me of being the cause of all her problems.

I told the "put the family first" therapist what was happening.

Then I started being accused by one of my ex's parents of me being the cause of problems. I started being excluded from family events. When I was around my ex's parents it was extremely uncomfortable - now even the way they looked at me was different. I felt like they didn't want me anywhere near their daughter.

Within a period of about 3 weeks, my ex went from earnestly working on getting sober and healing our relationship with the help of the "put the family" first therapist, to drinking regularly and abusing me again.

My ex then started quoting a series of "principles" like a mantra. These "principles" were the complete opposite of the "put the family first" approach. The change in her attitude was dramatic - suddenly she acted as if she did not care at all about our relationship nor starting a family in the future which was something she had wanted her entire adult life.


Those things are exactly what I then experienced.

I wanted my ex to go to AA, but she refused. I could see that AA was not just about the alcoholic, it was also about healing the damage done by the alcoholic thinking to the spouse and family.

She was becoming more and more uncooperative with treatment with the "put the family first" therapist, and becoming more and more entrenched in this completely self centered way of thinking, in which I had no place or importance whatsoever.

I was absolutely treated like a piece of human garbage by multiple people involved in the situation.

I was treated as if I had no right whatsoever to have any input into her treatment, any right to be concerned about her and her treatment or any say in anything.


Oh man. I know that feeling all too well. My ex suddenly started having no interest whatsoever in me or our relationship.

She went from commitment to getting sober AND keeping our relationship together to saying "we need to split up", and "I need to be on my own".

Where you wrote above "as the person focuses entirely on them self and developing new ways of thinking and acting" ... that is the core problem here. Why is it that it ever became accepted "wisdom" that the alcoholic needs to focus entirely on themselves ?

I accept that during acute detox and early recovery, the alcoholic needs to be in a rehab facility and is incapable of focusing on anyone except themselves. No arguments from me on that.

However, there is a massive difference between self focus during acute detox, and a lengthy program of "recovery" which promotes and encourages ongoing self centeredness, ongoing further neglect of the spouse and family, and further traumatising of the spouse and family.

That is recovery for the alcoholic as an individual, at the expense of the spouse and family. It completely ignores and casts aside the simple fact that an alcoholic does not exist in a vacuum but instead is part of a family unit.

Many alcoholics have acted during their drinking like some of the most self centered and self focussed people on the planet. The only way to heal that and heal the damage that the alcoholic has done is by teaching them to have empathy and to be less self centered, not more self centered

Worse still is when any type of treatment takes the spouse and family members, who once again are considered in some cases to be the primary patients who have been traumatised, and treats them yet again as if they are nothing.

Having already been traumatised by in many cases years of verbal and emotional abuse by the alcoholic, the spouse and family are then treated as if they are disposable. This further traumatises the spouse and family.

As my ex did more sessions with the other therapist she was seeing, she became completely non-cooperative in the sessions with me and the "put the family first" therapist.

My ex then utterly refused to discuss alcohol at all with the "put the family first" therapist ... who was an alcohol rehab expert.

My ex suddenly went from actively working with me and the "put the family first" therapist, to claiming that the only course of action possible was for me and my ex to split up for an extended period ... while she continued "treatment" with the other therapist her parents had introduced her to.

There was absolutely zero accountability or sense of responsibility. She acted as if putting herself first was the only possible course of action.

She spoke as if she had been brainwashed into this way of thinking - there was absolutely zero emotion or empathy in her eyes or voice when she said this stuff - which was the complete opposite of her long term goals and her way of thinking for years previously.

It was like she was parroting a narrative that had been drummed into her over and over again. She was like a zombie when she said these things.


I CONTACT HER OTHER THERAPIST

I contacted the therapist who my ex was seeing without me, detailed the history of her alcohol abuse to the therapist, and told the therapist that my ex had said repeatedly that her goal was to get help for her drinking and that she wanted our relationship to survive intact and for us to stay together. She had also told her parents that this was what she wanted.

Every patient has a right to set their own goals for treatment.

https://www.theguardian.com/commenti...vices-coercion reads ...

In many countries, if you look up the medical code of ethics for therapists, it also says that therapists have a duty of care not only to the primary patient who they are treating, but also to the spouse and family of the patient.

I told the therapist that I was more than happy to attend sessions with the therapist and my ex. I made it crystal clear that I wanted to help.

I also told her therapist that I had been subjected to domestic violence at home from my ex - something which as a man being verbally, emotionally and physically abused by his female spouse I felt deep shame about and was extremely difficult for me to tell anyone about.

What was the response ? During my ex's next session with the therapist she was seeing without me, I received a phone call from my ex in the middle of the session. My ex told me that the therapist had in her words "forced" my ex to call me in the middle of the session ... to end our relationship.

This was not some short term relationship. We had been together in a committed relationship for a number of years. We shared a home together. Prior to her drinking, we had been about to start a family together.

Clearly I deserved at least a face to face - who ends a long term relationship over the phone ? And what therapist thinks that ending a long term relationship over the phone is in any way appropriate ?


I didn't see any hint of guilt or remorse whatsoever from my ex when she went into this completely self centered stage. In fact she was completely aggressive about it. There was no remorse - she acted as if I deserved to be ostracised from her life as some kind of punishment.

It was absolutely destroying me emotionally and she had zero empathy for what it was putting me through. I was suffering serious depression by this point, and there was zero empathy for me and what I was going through.

She was saying that she wanted to "start a new life" and had zero appreciation for the years of support I had given her, with me being exposed to horrendous abuse when she was in drunken rages.

At the very moment that I needed some reciprocation of the years of support I had provided to her, I was completely ostracised by her and her family in the midst of depression. No one was there for me, and I broke emotionally and mentally.

It was by far the most dehumanizing thing I have ever experienced.

That discarding of me as if I was a piece of human garbage threw me spiralling down into severe depression which lasted months and months. I became extremely socially isolated and did not see any of my friends for over a year. I felt completely ashamed and broken. I just cut myself off from the world.


Honeypig you are exactly right on this.

What I am saying that in my ex's case, the so called "treatment" she received actively helped my ex avoid and escape facing the truth.

By the therapist actively encouraging my ex to end our relationship of many years over the phone, she was assisted in not even having to face me in person.

There was zero taking responsibility for her herself and her actions - one of her parents not only encouraged her to cut off all contact with me but demanded that, effectively stopping any taking of responsibility for her herself and her actions and any amends.


What I experienced was "trained to look outside the marriage for support ... at the expense of and instead of and with exclusion of the spouse".

The entire process felt like my ex's addiction looking for any way to blame someone else, escape taking responsibility, and to try to conceal the true seriousness of her addiction.

Clearly whatever nonsense she was saying to her therapist and her family of origin about me gained traction with them.

As soon as an addiction sees a crack it can escape through, it will head straight for it, regardless of the effect that has on the spouse and the family.


HOW I WAS TREATED

After having spent many years doing everything I possibly could to try to get my ex sober, and during which I was subjected to severe verbal and emotional abuse over a multiple year period, and threats of physical violence and then actual physical violence, I was then treated as if I was the aggressor in the relationship.

The way I was treated was exactly how an aggressive abusive violent man would be treated - separate him from his spouse, then put measures in place to protect her from this terrible man.

The reality was the complete opposite - I spent many nights after being subjected to the most harrowing verbal and emotional abuse sitting on my own crying when she had eventually stopped raging and passed out drunk. As a man being abused by your female spouse, you literally feel like you have no one to turn to - the humiliation of being abused is bad enough, but the humiliation of then telling other people you are being abused was just too much to face. So I just kept it all in inside and cried when I was on my own.

Even when being subjected to physical violence from my ex, I never laid a hand on her.

I was terrified that if I ever defended myself physically when I was being assaulted, that I would be the one that would be arrested, so I simply took the abuse.

When I wrote to my ex's therapist, I outed myself as a male victim of domestic violence. In response there was zero support for me - the reaction to me reaching out to my ex's therapist was that she was forced to end our relationship over the phone.

There is nothing that quite says "you are nothing" like having a relationship of many years ended over the phone, apparently at the insistence of a therapist.

Just complete and utter emotional cutoff, from a woman who prior to the alcohol I was about to start a family with.


WHAT WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF THE ROLES WERE REVERSED ?

Violence is not a gender problem. It is not a problem with either "violent men" nor "violent women" - it is a problem of violent people.

As a man who reached out to my ex's therapist, outing myself as a male victim of domestic violence, just look at how I was treated.

Imagine if a woman wrote to her alcoholic husband's therapist, and in desperation revealed something that had been going on for months and that she felt immense pain and shame about ... that she was a victim of months of threats of violence and actual physical domestic violence from her alcoholic husband.

Can anyone imagine a response in any western country in which the wife is then ostracised, given zero support, and everyone rallies around the abusive husband to help him, while the wife is simply blamed discarded like a piece of human garbage ?

That would be grossly wrong for a female victim of domestic violence to be treated like that.

And it is equally grossly wrong for a male victim of domestic violence to be treated in the same way.

Gender should not make any difference to the support offered to a victim of domestic violence, which in my case was not only zero support, but being emotionally set upon by a mob of people.


I totally agree with that.

But in my case my ex was clearly convinced and supported by people around in her in believing and acting as if the problem was not the absolute chaos caused by her addiction, but that the problem was me ... and people around her who should have known better (included one of whom had experienced her drunken abuse first hand) acted as if that was true, and that the "solution" was to remove me from her life ...

There was no care whatsoever to what effect this discarding would have on me, as a person who was suffering serious depression as a direct result of my ex's alcohol abuse. Quite simply, no one involved in this discarding cared. No one gave a damn.

In my case, the "treatment" my ex received threw me into a cage of depression, which took me more than 2 years to get out of.


WHAT TO DO ?

Strugglingguy, if I was in your position, while your wife is in rehab I would call a number of marriage therapists in your area, and get a feel for what type of therapy they offer couples, with a view to you and your wife doing sessions with them once she is out of rehab.

I would ask them specific questions about if they have worked with couples before where once person is an alcoholic.

I would ask them specific questions about their attitude to marriage - are they a therapist who encourages couples to stay together or are they a therapist who encourages couples to split up ?

I would be looking for a therapist whose attitudes to marriage, family and commitment.

I would read this thread and make damn sure whichever therapist you choose is not like this ...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hem-drink.html

I would also read the stuff about an alcoholic spouse on Marriage Builders ...

Alcoholic Spouse #1


WHERE I AM AT NOW

As many of you know, I went through complete mental anguish over a couple of years.

The last few months I have been working with a therapist to help myself. I have taken the focus off my ex's drinking and focussed on me, so I haven't posted on the forum in a few months.

I have not posted in this thread today as a way to rehash old wounds. I posted because the stuff that strugglingguy is talking about has parallels to what I went through in my ex's treatment. If by me sharing my story it helps another spouse and family avoid what I went through, great.

Part of my anguish was that at the time no one seemed prepared to step up and help me challenge the way I was treated. I felt like everywhere I turned there were closed doors.

I have found support the last few months from two separate support organisations who have real power in the area of helping people who have been mistreated by people in the medical system. I won't pre-empt what they are going to do to help me get some help for what I was subjected to ... will post about that when it happens.

At this point my only wish is to help prevent other families and spouses from experiencing what I was subjected to, by telling my story.

LexieCat

I think the above is a classic example of why couples' therapy is a terrible idea when (a) one spouse is alcoholic and not yet in solid recovery and (b) when one spouse is abusive.

In my personal and professional experience, the sobriety has to come first. Not that the partner's hurt should be ignored, but the goals of treatment--in the beginning, I'm talking about--for each person are different. An active alcoholic is literally not in his/her right mind and is not in a position to look honestly at what is going on. An abusive partner will exploit any therapy sessions and use information gained in therapy against the victim.