Tomorrow will be 1 full week of sobriety. Ex came knocking unannounced late last night.
Gratitude Gardener
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
Tomorrow will be 1 full week of sobriety. Ex came knocking unannounced late last night.
stressed out right now. And super bummed to be dealing with this at this moment in time.
He is the one who repeatedly left ME. Because he gets to believing (delusions, paranoia) that I am secretly trying to ruin his life.
But then he comes back, every time, and wants to try again.
I was, up until last week, just waiting it out with him, trying to stick by him til he accepted starting treatment with a therapist. He did go and see one two weeks ago, and I thought we were headed to solutions.
But he left me again last week, right around the time I decided I needed to get sober. I had had enough of him at that point, and my drinking.
Now that I am six days sober, I can't even FATHOM working on a relationship with him. Its very clear that sobriety is ALL THE WORK I CAN HANDLE for awhile.
I cannot handle being with ANYONE right now romantically, let alone a mentally ill person who is treating me like a yo yo, and doesnt actually even believe he needs treatment.
He comes from a great family, and they are all worried sick, especially his mother. They have money, and they are totally willing to support him in any possible way they can.
His problems really cannot be my problems anymore.
I tried to explain all of this several times to him. He is NOT hearing me. And the fact that he came by out of the blue late at night last night is freaking me out. I sent him away. He came back 20 minutes later, I caved, talked to him, said the same stuff... He said I am ruining his life! He can't make the connection between HIM LEAVING ME REPEATEDLY and me getting finally FED UP.
Its AMAZING to me. Its like we are talking AT one another, in different languages.
No traction.
No comprehension.
Especially because we met in a therapy group many years ago and we had become great friends because of that healthy, theraputic bond.
It only turned romantic out of the blue five months ago (after knowing one another for 10 years).
I am stressed out and angry that this is coming up NOW right as I am about to have 1 full week of sobriety,
I planned on cleaning house today, and doing yoga tomorrow. This plan was me stepping into my new life with intention and focus, and it was SUPER important to me. Sort of momentous... and now I feel derailed.
I was so stressed and tired last night talking with him that to get him out of my house I said I would meet him today, against my best thinking.
This morning I wrote him a text and told him NOT TIL SUNDAY. I wont meet before then. I have important things I NEED to accomplish and I cannot have ANY stress these next few days.
Also need to add that we had barely seen one another during those 10 years since therapy group. So I had no idea that in those 10 years he had begun to exhibit symptoms of schizophrenia. Only figured it out after a couple months of romantic involvement.
He is gorgeous, well educated, clean cut (always), only drinks socially. No one would ever guess if they just met him that he has schizophrenia.
HELP.
I am afraid if I dont meet him sunday there will be a suicide attempt because thats what he was in group therapy for 10 years ago. Suicide attempt over a break-up.
I have no way to contact his family. Never got their numbers and his sister isnt even friends with him on FB, she also has a different last name.
He is the one who repeatedly left ME. Because he gets to believing (delusions, paranoia) that I am secretly trying to ruin his life.
But then he comes back, every time, and wants to try again.
I was, up until last week, just waiting it out with him, trying to stick by him til he accepted starting treatment with a therapist. He did go and see one two weeks ago, and I thought we were headed to solutions.
But he left me again last week, right around the time I decided I needed to get sober. I had had enough of him at that point, and my drinking.
Now that I am six days sober, I can't even FATHOM working on a relationship with him. Its very clear that sobriety is ALL THE WORK I CAN HANDLE for awhile.
I cannot handle being with ANYONE right now romantically, let alone a mentally ill person who is treating me like a yo yo, and doesnt actually even believe he needs treatment.
He comes from a great family, and they are all worried sick, especially his mother. They have money, and they are totally willing to support him in any possible way they can.
His problems really cannot be my problems anymore.
I tried to explain all of this several times to him. He is NOT hearing me. And the fact that he came by out of the blue late at night last night is freaking me out. I sent him away. He came back 20 minutes later, I caved, talked to him, said the same stuff... He said I am ruining his life! He can't make the connection between HIM LEAVING ME REPEATEDLY and me getting finally FED UP.
Its AMAZING to me. Its like we are talking AT one another, in different languages.
No traction.
No comprehension.
Especially because we met in a therapy group many years ago and we had become great friends because of that healthy, theraputic bond.
It only turned romantic out of the blue five months ago (after knowing one another for 10 years).
I am stressed out and angry that this is coming up NOW right as I am about to have 1 full week of sobriety,
I planned on cleaning house today, and doing yoga tomorrow. This plan was me stepping into my new life with intention and focus, and it was SUPER important to me. Sort of momentous... and now I feel derailed.
I was so stressed and tired last night talking with him that to get him out of my house I said I would meet him today, against my best thinking.
This morning I wrote him a text and told him NOT TIL SUNDAY. I wont meet before then. I have important things I NEED to accomplish and I cannot have ANY stress these next few days.
Also need to add that we had barely seen one another during those 10 years since therapy group. So I had no idea that in those 10 years he had begun to exhibit symptoms of schizophrenia. Only figured it out after a couple months of romantic involvement.
He is gorgeous, well educated, clean cut (always), only drinks socially. No one would ever guess if they just met him that he has schizophrenia.
HELP.
I am afraid if I dont meet him sunday there will be a suicide attempt because thats what he was in group therapy for 10 years ago. Suicide attempt over a break-up.
I have no way to contact his family. Never got their numbers and his sister isnt even friends with him on FB, she also has a different last name.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
You are not responsible for his actions. Period. He has many resources available, more than most people with mental health problems.
You ARE responsible for your own health and wellbeing and recovery.
Tell him you can't help him, wish him well, and if shows up at your door again, call 911. If he is mentally unstable, it's not safe to let him in your home.
You ARE responsible for your own health and wellbeing and recovery.
Tell him you can't help him, wish him well, and if shows up at your door again, call 911. If he is mentally unstable, it's not safe to let him in your home.
Gratitude Gardener
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
Thanks. Okay.
I am so new and so hopeful right now about my new sober life that I feel so much crazy stress that this is coming up. I feel sorta like a MAMA BEAR about my sobriety. And I know THATS THE RIGHT WAY TO BE.
But ****... even NOW I am feeling my shoulders all tensed up. Smoked far too many cigarettes last night. and am an hour late into the plan to clean my house.
ANGRY, too. Just so ANGRY!
I desperately want my SPACE to do this plan, to reach my full week of sobriety, and to FOLLOW THROUGH for once in my life.
Not having an easy time shaking off my anger and tension today, and the feeling SUCKS.
Thank you for making space for these vents.
Gotta get to the other side of this.
I am so new and so hopeful right now about my new sober life that I feel so much crazy stress that this is coming up. I feel sorta like a MAMA BEAR about my sobriety. And I know THATS THE RIGHT WAY TO BE.
But ****... even NOW I am feeling my shoulders all tensed up. Smoked far too many cigarettes last night. and am an hour late into the plan to clean my house.
ANGRY, too. Just so ANGRY!
I desperately want my SPACE to do this plan, to reach my full week of sobriety, and to FOLLOW THROUGH for once in my life.
Not having an easy time shaking off my anger and tension today, and the feeling SUCKS.
Thank you for making space for these vents.
Gotta get to the other side of this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
. And the fact that he came by out of the blue late at night last night is freaking me out. I sent him away. He came back 20 minutes later, I caved, talked to him
this is where WE have to work on OUR boundaries. if we "cave" every time they show up, what do we teach them? that they can keep doing it and we'll keep lettin' 'em.
next time don't answer the door. if he causes a ruckus, you can call the cops. that usually helps get the message across.
this is where WE have to work on OUR boundaries. if we "cave" every time they show up, what do we teach them? that they can keep doing it and we'll keep lettin' 'em.
next time don't answer the door. if he causes a ruckus, you can call the cops. that usually helps get the message across.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Herculana, you're doing great getting through this. It's so good to have a firm plan in your mind. And, no reason to let him mess with your plan. Hopefully he will get the help he needs.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,431
Some great advice here - especially the part about not being responsible for his actions.
It's Herculana time now - you need to focus on yourself...I've seen too many newly sober people try to save someone else as well and both drown in the torrent.
D
It's Herculana time now - you need to focus on yourself...I've seen too many newly sober people try to save someone else as well and both drown in the torrent.
D
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
