kel08

Well I was doing amazing, then someone had a birthday and everyone was drinking and I was wondering what would the harm be???? I am not even going to go there with excuses. I drank, and I was ok, so yesterday when a group of friends and me sat for lunch and they all bought bottles of wine to share, I figured it would be ok again. And taaa daaaa, it was not. My friend suggested coming back to mine for a quick one more whilst kids played as was nice outside, and her being a normal drinker did just that. I managed to be drunk, and I scared the daylights out of my daughter that doesn't understand why I'm acting so strangely (but she probably does really). She is angry with me, quite rightly for drinking too much wine, and I am angry, I have stretches of the late afternoon I don't remember and I cant (I can) believe I was so stupid to do that to myself and sabotage all the progress.

Its the 3 year anniversary of my husbands suicide this weekend, and I think subconsciously that was there in my mind as ive been emotional for the last week or so leading up to it. But its not acceptable, I should be there as a rock for my kids who have been through hell and back, not fall apart on them.

Now the anxiety is back, the fear and shame is back, waiting for a knock on the door from SS. Although I have no intention of drinking today and continuing to abstain. I know this is just a big slip for me and is so unfortunate.

I just don't know what to do. Whether discussing it with my daughter (she is 9) will worsen the situation, or to let it go and show her and use my actions.

Feel like the biggest a hole in the world. well, back to day 1 again it seems. So devasted.

Maudcat

It happens. Practice self-care. Eat when you are hungry, drink lots of water, breathe. Go for a walk.
Lesson learned: drinking is just not in the cards for you.
About your daughter, be the person you want her to see, and in time all will be well.
Very sorry for your loss.
Peace.

RetiredGuy

Don't beat yourself up too much. I have too many attempts at moderation to count and finally realize that the best way of enjoying the rest of my life is never to drink again. It is good that you realize your mistake and are willing to give sobriety another try.

Stay Strong!

kenton

Please don't beat yourself up kel. You're human and you made a mistake which you are already learning from. Draw a line under it and start again. In regards to your daughter, I've thought long and hard about whether I should try to explain my alcoholism to my kids (they are aged 5 - 11). I think they're too young to understand so what I'm going to do is stay sober every day and then when they're older I'll be honest and explain to them why I never touch alcohol. Best way we can correct past wrongs and be the best parents we can be is by ensuring we stay sober today. One day at a time. All the best for this weekend. Stay strong.

PhoenixJ

agree with Kenton. support to you. turn those feelings into positive action...

Anna

I think you should move on and maybe consider that it would be a good idea to stay away from places where alcohol is being served. I couldn't be around alcohol for many months. Personally, I wouldn't talk to your daughter. Show her that you are going to change.

kel08

I would have had 16 weeks sober tomorrow. such a huge milestone for me. I was feeling amazing and I think perhaps I was over confident in my ability in that situation. Everyone else was having fun and relaxing and I felt jealous, sad and angry that I wasn't able to join in. Coupled with the stress and raw emotion of the anniversary, i think it brought up the case of the F**k its. Its as honest as I can be, no one else is to blame.

Ive decided not to speak to my daughter as I feel like that's a selfish thing to do, as all I'm trying to do is remove my guilt and ask her forgiveness for my own sake. That's unfair of me to do and ask of her. Actions are whats needed, not talk. I became the person i wanted to be in that 16 weeks, the person i was happy to look at in the mirror each day, i will get back there. Its just going to take a few days to refocus again, and move past it. Cant change it, so accept it, move on and do better

Carpathia

Your post speaks well to a positive step forward. We all benefit from your perspective-taking. Thank you. One day at a time.

CreativeThinker

Every time I've relapsed I felt the same as you did. It's so easy to forget what we've accomplished...think that we can manage our drinking again...if I quit before, I can just do it again...just 1 won't hurt...I'm not as bad as I thought I was...

You came back Kel...THAT is a huge accomplishment within itself! Like others said, don't beat yourself up. The majority of us have been through it...LEARN from it and move forward. You know how to do this.

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. I can't even imagine the grief you are dealing with. Know that we are here for you Kel.

Big Hugs!

mathmajor

I'm sorry to hear that. I'm at day 1 again too. Same reason. We've got to convince ourselves we can't be normal drinkers. Keep going.

Dee74

Don't let one mistake derail you - get back on the right road Kel
Staying in recovery will help you deal with and clear away all the debris your mistake caused.

I'm glad you're back

D

D122y

Kell,

Prayers for you. My sister's husband killed himself in a horrible way several years ago. She has had a tough go as well. She still drinks and i have tried to show her this site. She resists.

Imo...the drunk/hangover melt downs are not the real you. Your brain gets toxified from the booze.

Now clean for a while, i find that situations that would send me into rage mode are now more annoying than infuriating.

Since you got drunk...imo..you reprimed your brain...kindled.

Stop thinking it is ok to drink...keep a brave happy face..but fear booze. You didn't elaborate on what happened but i know what i have done and seen.

Drunk/hangover blow ups get real old...fast.

I fear being around my Dad and drunk buddy for the most part. I never know if something is going to set them off. Basically, it is like dealing w unexploded ordanance.

When the booze starts flowing, i enjoy water. Booze is poison.

Thans.

kel08

thank you to all the responses I got, its wonderful to feel so supported. Today is a better day anxiety wise etc. To D122Y, there isn't really a lot to elaborate on particularly, I didn't do anything hideous, just very drunk at home after my friend left and speech was slurred and just looked awful and as my kids say, strange acting. I am an affectionate drunk, but I was incredibly emotional due to the situation upcoming. Not a pretty sight and as my kids say, they find it scary as I'm not myself. Obviously we know why I was acting this way, but I don't have many chances like this until they know fully very well why this happened (my kids are 9 and 6). Time isn't something I have to get this right, they don't stay young for long and I want a bright wonderful life with them and a childhood they can look back on fondly, so I had my wobble and I got straight back on here.

Someone I spoke to in the chat room yesterday (I'm sorry I don't remember your name) helped me immensely when I was feeling quite fragile, not that I wanted to drink, I have no interest in going near the damn stuff, but emotionally I was struggling. Anyway they gave me the information on the relapse ladder which I thought was so helpful and interesting, and I could relate to in entirely in the build up to Wednesday night. ive printed this off as I think it could be very useful to think back on if or when the thoughts of 'I wasn't that bad' start to creep in again. Just thought I would fill you in, onto day 3!

Bubblygirl

I'm sorry this happened kel. I know the feelings of guilt and shame, I have kids older than yours . I am also on day three so let's keep each other accountable if you like? Almost 16 weeks is huge btw so good on you for doing so well. I agree, it sounds like a very emotional time with that sort of terrible 'anniversary' looming (((hugs))) to you..