arazanon

Okay so my girlfriend and I have been together for a year and a half and I'll admit to our relationship starting off by going out and hooking up (we were both single and we both like to go out). We started dating, and for me, that kinda meant toning down the drinking. I noticed that she liked to drink much more than me (drinking for me is purely social, I'd never have alcohol in my house or drink alone, just not something I've never done), I kinda just chalked it up to me being more conservative with drinking than a lot of people. Fast forward a year and we've gotten into countless drunken fights, she's drank to the point of being hospitalized, she's had to apologize endlessly to me and say she's "not ever going to do it again"(which of course it does). She was getting her masters (she's VERY functioning, had a 4.0 once she graduated and a job), and after lying to me about drinking or pre drinking if we went somewhere (dinner or whatever), HAS made improvements... I found a ton of empty beer cans she had hidden around the house and she eventually confessed to sipping a beer while doing her homework and hiding it, while I know this is crazy, I also know she wasn't getting biligerant or even buzzed and she COULDVE been getting something much harder (as she's done in the past), so I feel like I have to give her some credit. Tonight we went over to her sisters and had a get together for her brother who has passed away. This sister had gotten furious with me for letting her drink and has repeatedly said she shouldn't drink at all... well tonight at dinner, her sister pulled her aside and they did a shot for their brother. Now, while she still wasn't drunk, I asked my girlfriend several times if she did a shot and she denied it, then it eventually came out that she did. I'm not mad about the shot, I'm mad about the lying and I'm REALLY mad at the sister. I'm just scared that the lying is just going to snowball into her drinking a bottle of vodka alone and ending up in the hospital again. I'd never ask her to choose between me and her sister, and it's starting to feel like I just need to walk away. Everything else is great, but the drinking leads to lying, which to me, makes it a huge problem.

honeypig

arazanon, welcome to SR. To answer your question "what should I do?" very bluntly, you should indeed walk away. Your instincts are absolutely correct.

She definitely has problems w/alcohol, severe enough that she will hide it and lie about it. Alcoholism is a progressive thing, and if this is what it's like now, how much uglier do you think things might get as time passes? Do you want to be part of that, w/all the pain, lies, broken promises, and heartache?

You do NOT need to be involved in the weird dynamics between her and her sister, either--what in the world is the sister talking about, that YOU shouldn't "let" your GF drink? You don't own her and don't control her, nor are you responsible for her decisions or actions.

I'm short on time, getting ready to leave for work, but I hope you can take some time to read around the forum here and see what life w/an alcoholic holds. Again, your feeling that you should just walk away is absolutely the right one. She is an adult and can get help if she so chooses. She is NOT your problem to solve.

arazanon

Thank you. I know what I need to do, but it's nice to have a place to come for support.

honeypig

SR is a great place for support, arazanon! I'm sure you'll hear from others soon. There is also a chat room here--haven't tried it myself but it might be something you'd like to look into if you're in the mood for talk.

Forward12

Hiding bottles and lying about drinking are staples with alcoholics. She also is likely drinking much more than you already know about.
I think you do know the right thing to do and that's to move on. Alcoholism just gets worse over time.

LexieCat

Her sister isn't any more responsible for her drinking than you are. And the lying is typical alcoholic behavior. Whatever "improvement" you've seen isn't real--as long as an alcoholic is drinking ANYTHING, the disease continues to progress. I'm sober eight years, but I spent four trying to "control" my drinking and all that time my alcoholism progressed. That's just how it works.

I'd suggest finding an Al-Anon meeting for yourself, and learning all you can about alcoholism. It won't get her sober, but it's useful to know what it is you're dealing with, and Al-Anon is great for helping you get your own head on straight.

Welcome, glad you're here.

atalose

Trust your instincts. You have put a year into this person and this relationship and it’s not moving in a healthy direction for you because the other person involved is not healthy and truth is she may never be.

This is what “dating” is all about, taking your time in getting to really know someone before you commit to living together or getting married. Dating is how we weed out those people who do not enhance our lives.

And when we discover that the people we jumped quickly into a relationship with is not quite working out and we find ourselves just stuck, sitting back and waiting for them to change so that the relationship could be better…………..that’s when we know our issues are at work, not theirs.

Mpie9

I second this!! My xabf drank a lot more when we met then he did when we broke up and he viewed that as "improvement" even though he continued to go on benders and get withdrawal symptoms, i.e. it was still progressing nonetheless. That would be one of his manipulative tactics to make me feel (and probably convince himself) that he was getting better.

Welcome! This site has helped me so much in such a short time. I hope it does for you as well.

Mpie9

Love this. I'm never not trusting my instincts again. And it's ok if it takes time to weed out those certain people. Be kind to yourself; we always learn something in the process.

PhoenixJ

What does your heart tell you? You cannot control others- they need and are responsible for themselves. To be the parent puts you in a co-dependent role.
Look after yourself. Your partner - if she is honest enough may find AA a game changer. The best piece of advice I heard-ever is this...
Listen to everything people tell you, but do not pay attention to their judgements. You need to make informed- proactive decisions. Only you know what is best- on the balance - for you. Love is emotional, not logical. Keep looking. Empathy and support to you. Empathy for your partner. Addiction sucks- and good people do crappy things when in it's clutches. I know- I am one.

Ariesagain

You can't control her drinking. You can't fix her. And you can lose years and years trying.

Walking away is the right thing to do for both of you. Be prepared for a zillion hollow promises she will make to try to keep you hooked in. Her drinking IS the problem, it is NOT you causing her to drink, "everyone" does NOT drink, and she CAN'T just drink on weekends.

Your life awaits. Go meet up with it.

arazanon

You guys are so awesome. Of course today she is full of her usual apologies and promises, I told her that she couldn't stay at my house anymore and we'll talk about what's going to happen later. She wants to go to a meeting but I'll believe it when I see it. If she really wants to get better, she'll figure out where a meeting is and go. Right now, I kinda just want her to get her stuff out of my place.

LexieCat

That's the right attitude. If she wants to get sober, she doesn't need your help to do it, any more than she needed your help to drink.

Just don't be too quick to welcome her back with open arms if she makes a few meetings and talks a good talk. Give it some time--if she's just manipulating she won't keep it up.