NewLife310

In the past I've quit drinking many times and I usually feel better right away. Something's different this time. It's day three and I'm still laid out with back pain and unbearable fatigue. And now tremendous headaches as well, which is likely due to some dental issues I need to address.

I've been reading a lot of posts here, resonating with so much of it that I'm now extremely sad and depressed because I am starting to see the denial. And it's pretty deep. I've been convincing myself that "I'm just going through some stuff" and that as soon as things get better in my life I can control the drinking. But it's finally sinking in, after trying sincerely to stop for almost ten years, that my disease is worst than I thought and I'm feeling hopeless that I can turn things around.

And then today I received another devastating blow. I created a weekly women-only writers group and after three meetings I could tell that the other women respected me and my opinions. Which really went a long to giving me some hope that it's not too late to become the person I used to be and turn things around.

But then I showed them a video presentation I did a while back and the room went silent. One asked, very sheepishly, "how long ago was this?" When I told them it was only seven years ago, I felt the energy in the room shift. I looked around the table and none if them could look me in the eyes. Then I saw my reflection in the video monitor and was devastated. I was unrecognizable.

It wasn't until they saw the 'before' and 'after' of me that they had any reference, but now I was acutely aware of their sympathy and it was devastating and embarrassing. You see, it's not just vanity in Hollywood, it's being at the top of your game on all levels. And I realize now why they say 'You are what you eat'. It basically means that your physical appearance is a direct indicator of what you're ingesting and how you're treating your body.

I've been isolated for so long that I wasn't even seeing the changes. I'm devastated to the core that I've let things get this bad and that I wear my sabotage on my face for the whole world to see. It makes me not want to leave the house until I look and feel better. And many folks have said that it can take months to see any real difference. :-(

I can't believe I've abused my body, mind and spirit to this point and I couldn't even see it happening. It's depressing me even more than I already was. I mean if nothing else I hope this proves to be the 'rock bottom' wake-up call that I truly needed. But 3 DUIs, an arrest and a bankruptcy didn't do it, so I'm feeling a little hopeless. And I'm worried that I've waited too long and am too old to recover completely. I'm feeling crushed and defeated.

Signed: Did I miss the "Fabulous At 50" boat or is there still hope? :-(

Maudcat

Ah, sorry for your sadness, NewLife. No question that alcohol is bad for the appearance.
As we get on, our skin loses its elasticity, and alcohol makes us blotchy and bleary looking.
I used to wake up with red, watery eyes so often that I made up the I have allergies excuse to explain my appearance at work in the am.
Not sure if I fooled anyone, though.
The good news is that if you stop drinking, your body will thank you and rebound, to a degree.
You won't look the way you did when you were the golden 30, but you will look less bloated and bleary.
And a lot of folks on this site have stated that without alcohol dominating them, they are far more able to craft a sensible eating and exercise program.
And....have the energy to work it.
I'm kinda visual, and it helps me to think of analogies for my drinking. I call it the monster that I am putting in a box and locking it. My monster goes to sleep.
But I can't drink. Drinking unlocks the box and wakes the monster.
I also think of drinking as a vampire that drains away my will and energy.
Good luck. It is never too late to turn things around for yourself.
I quit drinking for good in my early 60's, after several years of, shall we say, overconsumption?

Maudcat

P.S. Recognizing that you can't drink in moderation is huge! Though it seems sad and bad now, that is a wonderful epiphany. Very freeing. Go with it.

Anna

I remember well that I was overwhelmed with fear, shame and regret when I finally accepted what I'd done to myself and my life. The thing is to not get caught up in the those feelings because they will lead you back to drinking again. Take the hard step and believe that you can do this. You will feel better and you will look better but most importantly, you will start to love yourself again.

NewLife310

Thank you so much for the analogies, Maudcat. As a filmmaker I resonate with that. :-)

D122y

New,

Something awesome about this site is that the message, no matter how many words it takes to say it, is quit drinking get well, keep drinking stay sick and eventually die from drinking.

The AV will tell you it is too late etc etc...just to get drunk again.

The analytical mind scoffs at this idea...because we/you know the answer to the question.

The problem is...it starts out as a physical and mental addiction. That is a living hell.

After about a week to a month..it is all mental...minus the brain damage which is sort of physical and mental...

Make sense?

The brain damage takes a long long long time to normalize. Some never make it out. I am not even positive I am out of the woods.

I don't care what others say...i am terrified of booze. I put on a nice brave face around it. I act cool and laugh. But, I remember the hell I endured. It was like torture getting clean. Sometimes, even today, my day is torturous.

But, now most of the time...like 23 hours a day...I feel like a normal human. Drug free and present...as we humans were intended to live.

Stay clean.

Thanks.

herculana

Newlife... Youre starting a new life...

Please dont let your fears take you down. Its only fear talking, and fear is never the more intelligent voice. In fact, its quite stupid, most of the time.

Love is the intelligent voice, and its voice is one of calm, steady, health and solace. When you are listening more, and more, and more to THAT voice, you will emit a light of beauty that will be incomparable.

People think its just a cute, cliche, phrase, but its not. Its the ultimate truth, and you should take it literally: BEAUTY IS AN INNER THING.

Its only a secret because so many don't believe its truth. But the one who does trust this truth is very lucky, and everyone will recognize this quality in another when they come into contact with it.

Not only that, but the body is an absolutely incredible thing... its ability to heal is astounding.

Give yourself some time. Dont give into those fears and thoughts. You arent a mind reader...You dont ACTUALLY know what those folks were thinking. And in any case, it doesnt matter how they saw you. Its really and TRULY how you choose to start seeing and thinking about yourself that will matter.

I am of the mind that everything is a blessing, you just need to get good at finding the blessing which is so often disguised by something unexpected or bad or something that is disrupting your best laid plans.
There is a blessing on the other side of this.
You won't find that blessing if your blocking your channel with alcohol.

Give yourself a break... you are in the thick of detox.
Lay low.
Take care of yourself.
Dont drink today.

PhoenixJ

I am 53. I do not live in H/wood. My booze changed my body image in as far as 20% 4th degree burns can. I have to wear a fitted burns glove on my right hand forever- just to keep blood flowing- otherwise fingers will get cut off. I have embraced this as a need for change and to hell with what the world sees me as now- which is honest, genuine and getting better-sober. That is what you are doing. Do not get cut up by the artificial hype of others. Your sobriety is the most fundamental important thing. Sharing what you did shows real growth. Embrace this. Be proud- you deserve it. Well done...

CreativeThinker

Hey Newlife,

I totally relate to your post. Just the other day I was looking at a photo that was taken of me at the peak of my drinking. It was daunting...if any of my lifelong friends (who I haven't seen for years) were to see those pics they would not have recognized me. I was overweight, bloated and not even a great haircut and makeup could cover up how bad I looked...say nothing about how bad I was feeling. But...at the time the pic was taken, I thought I was looking great! Ugh! Seeing that photo, as well as seeing how my looks were fading quickly is one of the many motivators for me to never pick up a drink again.

As of today I have lost over 50lbs, my skin looks so much better due to daily cleaning regimens, the bags under my eyes have diminished and my hair is healthy and thick. Most importantly, I feel fantastic! The anxiety and panic attacks are gone, I don't worry about things I can't control any longer, my relationships are improving and I can finally feel peace within my soul again.

Do I look like I did in my 30's? No...but I look a h*** of a lot better than I did when I was drinking my life away. Let's face it...it sucks getting older...no doubt about it! But I do believe that when we are mentally healthy, it will show on the outside.

What's a few months? Isn't being happy (inside and out) worth it? What is the alternative?

Andante

The parts I quoted were the ones that jumped out at me.

This condition of alcohol addiction is progressive, you see.

Just because things went a certain way when you had periods of abstinence in the past is no guarantee that they'll go that way next time.

The intense anxiety and remorse you're feeling, as well as the fatigue and other physical symptoms, sound to me like classic indications of alcohol withdrawal.

The sudden development of withdrawal symptoms where none have occurred before is called "kindling," and yes, it's a thing.

Once "kindled," you can pretty much count on having worsening withdrawals each time you drink and then stop again.

The thing is, once the withdrawal symptoms have eased, it's so easy to forget how uncomfortable you were. A little voice seems to say, "Well, it wasn't so bad. Let's have a drink!"

That's why it's important to have a recovery plan to get you through the tough times (or the celebratory ones) when your resolve weakens.

This can be the last time you go through this discomfort, if you want to be sober more than you want to be drunk, and you're willing to do what it takes to keep your priorities in that order.

BTW, I'm in the Hollywood film business too, although on a more tangential level.

NewLife310

Ha! Great word, tangential!

Fly N Buy

Work on the spirit - the mind and body will be lead back into the light. You have much left to,give to the world, we all do. Sobriety ignites the spark of hope fueling a new destiny, better than we could have ever imagined.

Well done on day three

Andante

Well, as a musician who sometimes plays on orchestral film scores, even "tangential" is an immodest description of the extent of my movie-making involvement.

I quit drinking for good at 52 and I'm 56 now. It wasn't too late for me, and it's not too late for you, either!

Day 4 in the offing?

fini

NewLife,
It's not too late to become the person you used to be - it's impossible.

think about it...that is the person who ended up where you ended up....so not only can you not o backwards, but why would you want to if it led you to such a place?

it is not too late to change, though, and the worry about " too late" and hopeless feeling is what some might call your AV trying to convince you to give up and drink.

it can sound pretty convincing, that voice insisting that it's useless, no point, you won't get one hundred percent perfect, or even good enough....so you might as well...

it's irrational nonsense. self-defeating, illogical, doubt-feeding lies.

you do get to choose whether you believe it.

i wasn't fabulous at fifty, and i quit at fifty- one and i'm not fabulous now at sixty- one but i'm a helluvalot better than i was then

tealily

Hi NewLife,

I'm sorry you had such a devastating realization, seeing how those other women noticed changes in you. Maybe that epiphany, of simply seeing yourself through their eyes and realizing so starkly how much drinking has changed and damaged you, can help you stay focused and turn a corner for good.

I relate to your story. I too am in my 50s, in the past looking younger than my age, but the last five years or so heavy drinking has really taken its toll. I've gained 25 pounds, my belly is bloated like I'm pregnant, my eyes are puffy, my skin dull and blotchy, my joints ache, I'm sure I'm dehydrated. When I drink I eat terribly, and then wake up and only want coffee. Menopause and natural aging bring enough changes.. when you add dangerous amounts of alcohol daily, how can we expect to stay glowing and fit?

Being in Hollywood, you must see many people around you resorting to plastic surgery and all kinds of expensive treatments to look younger: It's occurred to me that the quickest, easiest, healthiest and cheapest beauty treatment I could use is to JUST QUIT pouring poison through my system. Better than any facelift or botox or lasering.

I'm still new to this.. but am now on three days with no alcohol. I may be imagining it, but I already feel better and think maybe I look better. I have already lost 3 pounds (i know it's only water weight.. but I feel less bloated).

This all sounds so superficial and trivial.. but I'm using it as extra motivation to keep going. There are so many more important ones, but why not use vanity for a boost? Since you asked a thread or too ago about if it was possible to get your looks back, I thought it might help you too.

Hang in there.

mathmajor

Hi, this resonated with me too. I'm only in my twenties and use Olay stuff to hide how rocked my appearance has gotten from the alcohol. And somehow I still managed to drink. What a ridiculous disease.

NewLife310

Thanks so much you guys! For me it's only partially vanity. It's that my bad habits show on my face, literally. I can't even hide my dirty little secret anymore, even if I wanted to. It's a clear indication, that other's can see, that I've been harming myself and don't care enough to be the best I can be, inside and out. That's the part that hurts. I pretend I'm a hero on social media, because no one can see me during the past year or so since I've refused to be photographed. But I can't keep hiding in my shell. I just wasn't prepared to keep myself out of the public eye for 60-90 days, which is how long many are saying it took to see a real change. But yes, it is working as a catalyst and motivation that will hopefully last the rest of my life. Thank you for sharing your similar stories. It makes me feel less pathetic. :-)