Woody9

We both suffer from similar types of mental illnesses. She has an extensive family history of addiction, I do not. What I have noticed, during conversations with her is that every romantic relationship I have been in involved either an alcoholic or the adult child of alcoholics. I'm not an alcoholic, but have been sober for almost a year since going on to meds for my major depression, anxiety & possible bipolar disorder. It was a conscious choice & one I intend to maintain.
We are extremely honest with each other about everything, including our possible future together. I told her early on I didn't fall in love with her because I thought it would be easy. Neither of us is trying to 'fix' the other, but we are quite adept at recognizing when each of us is falling into destructive and/or self defeating thought patterns & can usually reign the other in before reaching a tipping point.
She is currently in a residential recovery facility & attends four plus AA meetings per week. I go to Alanon meetings & she intends to join me.
We both believe we are in the healthiest relationship of our lives & that we are being properly supportive of each other's recovery. I'd appreciate hearing your comments, reactions & suggestions for continuing to maintain & strengthen our relationship. I will also answer questions as honestly as I can & provide more information as requested.
Thank you for your time & input.

Bekindalways

Welcome Woody. I'm glad you found Soberrecovery. Also congrats on everything you are doing to address your issues. It is not easy.

Most of us here have been in love with an alcoholic. There are also folks with alcoholic family members.

Woody9

Thank you, Bekindalways!

I'm a big believer in forums like this. It's very much like group therapy in that the sharing is part of the healing.

I'm a pragmatist, a problem solver. Over the years though I've learned to keep in mind the Serenity Prayer. Some problems take tremendous patience and gentle perseverance. As far as it not being easy, nothing worthwhile ever is.

FallenAngelina

Sounds good, Woody. You're each working on your own recovery. Glad to hear it. Welcome.

Maudcat

Welcome, Woody!

Smarie78

Welcome, Woody! Sounds like you have a solid head on your shoulders. Given the fact that you are not an alcoholic (you are sober due to meds not bc you've had a problem w.alcohol, correct?), what do you think the reason is behind your chronic relationships involving addicts? Just wondering because this part stuck out to me. I wish you luck in your relationship. If you have fallen in love with an alcoholic again, I think you know what to expect. Good for you for going to Alanon. Keep taking care of yourself. Love is great, but can run out when addiction is present. Sounds like she is treating it and recovering so that's good. Just keep up taking care of YOU since you too suffer from your own illness that needs care. I know in my experience with an addict, my depression and anxiety took a lot of hits. Always remember to put yourself first - I am still learning how to do this myself!

Woody9

I have been prone to self medicating with alcohol & recognized that drinking certainly never helped my with my symptoms for long. So with that in mind I decided to let my meds work without the interference of alcohol. Honestly, I do not miss it.

Not sure why I'm attracted to addicts, it's sometimes I've just recognized about myself. I do take great satisfaction in helping others & have a history of trying to 'save' others. I've lost myself before due to this and am changing my behavior to prevent this from happening again.

The difference this time is that my girlfriend is actively seeking treatment & is embracing her recovery. We are both fearful of her relapsing, but she is more committed to her sobriety now than ever. She's the mom of two (5 & 12) & recognizes this is her best chance to regain at least partial custody.

As daunting as it seems sometimes, I will remember I need to put myself first. My recovery is my top priority, as her's is for her. We are each other's support, but are both cognizant & vigilant about the tendency toward co-dependance.

Thanks for your support & comments, as well as those others have offered! I sincerely appreciate it.

LLLisa

Hi Woody

You will find good experience to listen to and learn from in this forum.

Honestly, this sounds frightening to me. Personally, after a nearly quarter century marriage to an alcoholic, I don't want to be in a relationship where I have to watch out for my nearest and dearest and feel obligated to "reign them in". It sounds a bit too much like babysitting to me. I babysat a grown man for a very long time and have no desire to do that ever again.

I believe AA recommends that addicts in recovery do not enter into new relationships. Perhaps this is because addicts in recovery need to be pretty much self centered, they really don't have the mind space for all that falling in love stuff. Dunno?

Also, Alanon is for YOU, not for the addict. Why does she want to go to Alanon?

Love is grand. Falling in love is feels wonderful. I feel that the road you are choosing is going to be a rocky one. Are you ready for the ride? It may not be smooth one, but for your sake, I hope it works out.

LLLisa

And I just read this:

3 Rules to Live By If You Have an Addicted Spouse

LexieCat

If her family is full of alcoholics, she certainly qualifies. There are a lot of "double winners" in the rooms (Al-Anon and AA). Still, it would probably be for the best if she attended her own Al-Anon meetings--for the most part, anyway. Having one's "qualifier" right there next to you isn't exactly conducive to open sharing.

Welcome, glad you're here. I wish both of you continued success in your recovery efforts.

Spinner-007

Welcome Woody.

If you're asking for honesty, you've come to the right place.

There are 2 things I see as big red flags:

1. She's in an residential recovery center, which means things got out of control somewhere, somehow. To borrow from another poster, she's in a big time self repair process, which is a good thing, but her emotions are going to be all over the place. It's hard to say that something she may feel as love would be a genuine feeling towards someone else as opposed to a reaction of going through the process. I'm not questioning anyone's honesty, the uncertainty of where this is coming from would make me extremely cautious.

2. You recognize your habit of problem solving for other people, and you also recognize that it's not the best thing for you. Codependency is what we all here face in some level, and while I'm not questioning your emotion towards her, I'm again cautious about the why.

Being married to addict/alcoholic and seeing what it's done to me and our kids, I'm the first to say run away from any fledgling/pre-marital relationship with a recovering or active addict, as fast and as far as you can.

This is one ride I would never buy another ticket for...

I'm sorry if it's harsh but I'm tired of watching the ever-increasing number of those who need to be here grow more and more...

atalose

I thought that the cardinal rule for recovering alcoholics was to NOT begin a new relationship with in the first year of sobriety. That first year her full attention needs to be on her relationship with self, other- wise it is just more diversion from her root issues.

May I ask how long you have been dating her that you feel so in love?

Woody9

Thank you for for honest input Lllisa, it is what I asked for!

I don't consider what we do as babysitting, we've really just helped each other through panic attacks or been able to nip them in the bud. Because we have overlapping mental health diagnoses, we're good at recognizing early symptoms & know what tools to use to prevent symptoms from worsening. It is truly a two way street. I've never been with a partner that understands me better.

She is the adult child of an addict & her counselor has recommended she attend Alanon meetings. I'm currently 'shopping around' local meetings for myself to find a good fit for me & I agree we need to find our own best fit.

We're both well aware of the one year recommendation regarding relationships. She is in a 6-8 month halfway house after two different one month rehabs. We've had quite limited contact because of this and are very respectful of each other's recovery. I have never known her as an active alcoholic. We also talk about what I will need to do if she relapses. I will walk away. As heart wrenching as it would be, I fully understand it is what I must do. Rocky road? Yes, no doubt. But one we are both determined to travel.

Thanks again for your honesty & kind words!

Woody9

I value your opinions a great deal spinner-007, harshness and all. That's why I'm here.

Everything you have said, I've said to myself and/or to her. She has made it very clear that if she relapses, I am to cut all ties & that is what I will do. No matter what. Her alcoholism is secondary to her mental health diagnosis. We are both in the midst of rebuilding our lives & thoroughly recognize that we must concentrate on our individual recoveries as our top priority. Regardless of whether we were romantically involved or not we would be helping one another as friends. Co-dependancy is something we are both wary of and are currently reading more about.

Woody9

Atalose, we met last fall while she was between rehabs, both of us being treated at the time for mental health crises. We were friends at the time of discharge and feelings built after phone conversations & letters. I was her only support person as she entered her 3rd rehab in four months. All her family & friends had written her off.
Her alcoholic behavior began last summer after she discovered her husband of four years had been having a three some with two other women. The bottom of her world fell out. She admitted to having been an occasional problem drinker prior to last summer. But easily remained sober throughout her three pregnancies & was an amazingly supportive & caring mom in very difficult circumstances.

We recognize we are proceeding on a path that is not recommended, but we both agree to see where this path leads. We both know if she relapses, I will walk away.
It's what she knows must happen & I now understand why.

Thank you for your honest opinions & question.

Woody9

Thank you!

FallenAngelina

Love is a wonderful blessing, but please keep in mind that everyone says this and very, very, very few of us codies can actually do it without an enormous amount of education, experience and fellowship. In our right minds, in the light of day, in our quiet moments of course we all know that walking away from our beloved relapsed alcoholics is the wisest course. But we who fall in love with alcoholics do not actually do this without an internal WWIII level struggle. It's easy to promise each other that you'll walk away if she takes a drink, but actually walking is very, very difficult for most of us - for a long list of reasons. It's never clear that leaving our beloved A is the right choice and sometimes it isn't. These are murky waters, indeed, so just be aware of that, if it's helpful for you.

FallenAngelina

Yikes - this is a big red flag, Woody. You clearly love her and that is beautiful, but..... Do you know that this is typical of codependents to be drawn to people for whom we are the special one, the only one who truly understands them, the only one who will not give up on them? That's honey for us codie-bees.



This is her version of how things went down in her marriage. Of course I don't know these people, but I'm sure that the husband has a very different perception and would have a very different story. I do know that she has been to three rehabs because she is an alcoholic, not because anyone drove her to drink. Just something to keep in mind.

Woody9

Update:
My gf is 5 months sober yesterday, completing her halfway house program in 3 weeks, will continue her IOP program thereafter & will live with me at least until she returns to work in the fall. Some may argue this is not significant, but her alcoholic behavior began eleven months ago, five consecutive months of that she's maintained her sobriety, has been in recovery facilities for eight months & I think she is doing fantastic. I have never known her when she was using, only while in recovery, but I can see how committed she is to staying sober. She has a vivitrol shot monthly & has no cravings. She knows her triggers & has learned a great deal about managing them. She is maintaining her mental & physical health & meeting all her legal responsibilities regarding both child custody & her pending divorce despite not being aloud to have her phone or her car. I could not be more proud of her.

Is she cured? Hell no, we both know better than that. She will continue going to AA, I will continue to go to Alanon & we will strive to maintain sober lifestyles for ourselves individually & together. We both feel we are getting fresh starts. We know it won't be easy, but nothing worthwhile ever is.

I appreciate everyone's input who have responded to my posts so far. I understand all of your concerns & also take into consideration that you do not know all the details of our situation. That said, thank you ALL. I know your gave your input because you care and that feels wonderful.
I'll continue to check in as time passes...

firebolt

Thats so great!

I'm glad you are continuing on with Alanon as well.