Sunflowerlife

I'm in a really bad place right now, emotionally.

I've been around SR since last January with up to 4.5 months of sobriety as my longest stretch. I am currently on day 21.

I have had food issues since I was 19- it started with restricting, then I was just very "disciplined", then borderline anorexic, then binge eating, bulimia and binge eating again. I still struggle with the binging although it's nothing like it used to be. But I want it to be gone.

It feels exactly the same as the drinking because there is a build up to it- there is the fantasy of what it will feel like, the temptation, the AV not shutting up. Then there is the conscious me who is able to hear the voice and almost stop myself from eating. But I gave in. Last night I gave in and now I am hungover from the carbs and sugar, feeling like crap and hating myself. It feels just like a hangover from being drunk- at least emotionally, and it will take at least 2 days to feel better again.

I can't manage both of these addictions and I can't understand if I am truly addicted to carbs/ sugar or just the binging. I also don't know how I am supposed to fight both of these AVs.

I feel like I can only concentrate on one addiction at a time (alcohol) because otherwise I feel like a failure pretty much weekly.

I am just in a bad place.
I am angry that I am an alcoholic and angry that I have food issues.
I don't know why I chose this life or these lessons/hardships to overcome.

I just want to live a normal life, eat like a normal person- think and feel thoughts that are normal too.

I shouldn't be crying right now because I ate a few bowls of trail mix with M&Ms and 2 small pieces of bread last night.

I am just at a loss here and need some support.
Should I just focus on getting sober and not stress so much about the food part and how do I do that considering my history?

I know the answer is to stop eating at a deficit but I also have fitness/body goals and I cannot reach those if I eat whatever I want. I only have 5 more pounds to lose or one more pant size to lose, whatever that means in pounds.

Thank you for reading and any input. I may also be pmsing which would explain a lot.

WeaverBird

Hey Sunny, thanks so much for your post. I was anorexic in my teens, then bulimic, alcohol made me fat round my middle, and pretty sure I'm overdoing the nicotine replacement now because it curbs my appetite.
Funny thing, last night I got confused and ended up in with the OA crowd at the AA meeting venue. Think I've been 12-stepped!! Got numbers anyway. Will go along later in my sobriety. Feel I can't fight on two fronts and am letting myself eat or not eat and trying to exercise loads.
Anyway, don't know if my experience helps but you're so not alone with this. Love x

Sunflowerlife

Thank you friend, I appreciate the support. I went to OA years ago when I was in inpatient treatment. I agree that fighting both worlds is just too much. I started smoking again when I quit drinking in January but I have since quit again so don't worry, you can quit smoking when you are ready.

emme99

Hi Sunflowerlife,

I can relate to your post. I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I am an emotional eater and life long yo-yo dieter. I remember going on my first diet when I was in kindergarten, and it's been up & down ever since.

Last month my goals were to follow this new diet plan and a daily shake and check in daily with the Facebook group of others doing the same, along with stopping drinking and checking in here at SR. It was too much.

I am inclined to say just focus on staying sober right now, great job on 3 weeks by the way! I know that is easier said than done and I wish I had some advice to make it easier. When I was getting therapy, I was very reluctant to go to AA and my therapist and I had talked a little about my food issues and she suggested I go to OA instead. I still want to do that, but right now my focus has to be on not drinking.

I wish I had some great advice to help, always wishing you the best.

Delizadee

Hi sunflower,
I can relate to EVERYTHING you posted. I can't go into all I want to say right now but I will follow up here if I can remember but please do pm me.

They almost didn't let me into treatment because I was open with my counselor about my eating disorder. She had to fight really hard with the centre to get me in, and in the end they did it if I was also working with a mental health worker to deal with my ED. wHowever, when I started seeing her and continuing with my addictions counselor, we all agreed trying to tackle all my addiction issues at once was setting me up for failure.

Focus on your sobriety for now, and list your assets and the things you are grateful for. Put aside the shame to deal with it another day. Build on your momentum you get get from putting another sober day under your belt. You are not alone in this, either.

Pm me if you like, I'd love to talk more.

Love and strength , Del

Dee74

Hi SFL

I think of it as not 2AVs but one AV with different heads.

If you're using AVRT, the Big Plan should be same for both?

I wish I had experience to share on the ED, but I don't - I know you're dedicated to beating this tho, in all its forms, and I believe you will

D

BrendaChenowyth

They aren't separate. I think they both probably stem from low self-esteem causing self-care neglect, and also from feelings of powerlessness so you feel the need to be in control over something.... so those underlying issues have to be dealt with, but no work can be done if under the influence of alcohol because our thinking isn't going to be sound. So I would say, getting sober is priority one, so that therapy can begin and slowly the issues underneath your addictions can be dealt with.

Anna

I think, if you can dig deep and be aware of the issues which led to your addictions, you may see that they are not so separate. I think all addictions come from a place of emptiness, loneliness and fear. When you can begin to heal yourself from the inside out, you will make peace with your addictions.

Sunflowerlife

That was great advice and I truly appreciate it. I am trying to do too much at once and there's no reason to. I am working out, eating well for the most part and I'm SOBER. If I don't fit into my size 4s by summer the world is not going to end. And honestly having so many damn food rules is making me a bit nuts. I am glad you backed off of the FB group as well- it's good to know our limits

Sunflowerlife

Thank you Del so much for your thoughtfulness. I am surprised they almost turned you down for treatment- when I was in patient 10 years ago they had a dual diagnosis program for substance abuse and EDs. I'm glad you got some help though and it sounds like your counselors had some good advice to tackle one issue at a time.
I will do that as I obviously can't handle more. Thank you again for taking the time out to write me... maybe we can chat more through pms

Sunflowerlife

Anna this makes total sense and I'm not sure why I didn't think of it this way. I think I should find a therapist once I get insurance. I'd love to dive deeper into the reasons why I need so many escapes from my life- I know lonliness is one of them even when I am surrounded by 2 kids and a husband. Fear and emptiness sound about right too.

Thank you for your deep and meaningful thoughts. I appreciate them.

Sunflowerlife

Thank you so much- everything you said makes total sense. I've always had low self esteem although never thought of myself as neglecting my self care (but then again being an addict for so long is obviously neglectful.)
You are right- I can't dig into this stuff if I'm a drunk. So sobriety is my number one goal and focus right now. Thank you again for taking the time out to write me...

Sunflowerlife

Kind of like a Medusa of sorts? That's the image I got anyway

I never actually completed the book so I really need to do that to understand the Big Plan. I just know about the AV and how it's separate from me and it's amazing how much my binge AV sounds like my alcoholic AV - more than ever these days. I suppose the addiction is coming from the same exact place, as others have mentioned. I really want to figure out why and how and when- and then maybe it will be easier to dissolve. I mean I've been in years of therapy but we have moved so often I never get to really dive in for more than a year or so.

Thank you for your words and support Dee- you always know what to say and how to say it and that truly means a lot to me

BrendaChenowyth

We care more about the need to run away from our realities, we care more about pursuing that impossible ideal, we need to have control, we need to escape our feelings.. we need those things more than we want to take proper care of our bodies and minds, and we harm both.

One therapist told me that it could help to think about the way I treat myself in terms of how I would treat the five year old version of myself. She's innocent, she's helpless, she's vulnerable, and she depends on me to take good care of her. What would I do if I spent a day with her? What would I not do? Why not? So then why would I do those things to her 25 years later, in my current case. I'm the same girl and I deserve the same loving care.

Zombie79

I have food issues, always had a weight problem but I know from a friend who went into rehab twice re: alcohol that they tell you- one thing at a time.

So far, I know I need to eat better, lay off the chocolate and carbs but I want to get a few more days under my belt. I am however planning for food shopping next week to include a lot more healthy foods