herculana

Man, I JUST wrote out the WHOLE thing and the reasons why, and tried to post and the whole thing was erased, giving me further fuel to feed the resentment and grudge demon.

I really need some help dealing with these triggers. Day 2 and Day 3 they are coming on strong, and unfortunately they were actually born in my other recovery group, which I felt was a safe place full of empathy and support.

I was basically told that in my situation it would be impossible for me to get sober.
But then another member posted a very similar situation (the situations are: We both live with alcoholics, and we are both trying to get sober. In her case her WHOLE family, including her husband, are alcoholic, and not supportive of her sobriety. In my case it is my housemate and actually HE HAS BEEN SUPPORTIVE of me and my new boundaries!
She got nothing but relating, sharing similar stories about husbands drinking, family members, etc. She got tools she could use, etc.

I need to really GET that this is my problem, not theirs, if I am upset. I need to really GET that these feelings are MY RESPONSIBILITY. And that OF COURSE ... Sobrier people ARE PEOPLE. They are not ALL warm fuzzy unconditionally loving saints. Of course they arent.
They are still flawed human beings.
BUT BOY OH BOY so I want to nurse this grudge, this sense of alienation, this feeling sorry for myself. Because my big suspicion is that they feel they can relate to her because she is married, has a stable middle class family around her... Shes more normal than I am. In my case I am more of a bohemian, 43, never married, no kids, and very very poor, raised poor, no education (formally)... All of my triggers are here.

HELP ME. This is a big trigger!thanks

wildflower70

Hello,

My suggestion is to start thinking of the things you like about yourself! Think of all of the positive things you can do now, with your sober life, you have the support of others in the same boat...your SR family!

Remember, these triggers are feeding your addictive voice. I had to start telling my AV...too bad, I'm not giving in to you! Take some deep breaths, go for a walk, eat something really yummy.

And tell yourself how wonderful you are!!

BE WELL!!

herculana

The support here always makes me well up in tears <3 Thank you.

AnvilheadII

you are spending an awfully lot of your precious time in other people's heads!!! believing you know what they think and feel, and why they say what they say.

maybe simple it down a bit? what do YOU need to do today for your recovery? then......go do that!!! don't drink, no matter what.

herculana

Amazing how deep these wounds go, and not a pretty sight right now to see where my mind goes, either.

I just had this "fantastic" idea to go to the daily gratitude forum and do my first gratitude list... But not with the purest intentions. The intentions were not to express Gratitude, at all.
My intentions were more along the lines of BRAGGING about my life to shove it down their throats that I live a great life no matter how they feel like judging me. To make them jealous, and to shatter what I believe ti be their preconceived notions.

My god. Thats really twisted thinking. I had no idea I was like this Seeing it loud and clear right now.

herculana

So, you think its better for me to turn away from seeing this clearly and think of my positive attributes?
I feel like a sobriety babe in the woods right now. This is all new stuff.

AnvilheadII

not sure how you got that out of what i posted!? i was just sayin' that you seem WAY too worried about what others think....and how that reflects on you. and you are building a whole "resistance movement" to those perceived things!!!

attributes are good things. on day three tho, i'm just suggesting you keep it simple. no bragging, just breathing. no one upmanship, just one day at a time. less them, more you.

herculana

Thank you <3 I hear you.

AnvilheadII

Be well, Herculana!!!

herculana

I really need to hear other stories of resentment and grudges and head tripping and how a person changed their thinking into a more sane, balanced, and loving place. Today is a real danger zone for me. The further I get (for the next few months) from my last drunk, I feel, the more susceptible I am to slipping off the good momentum and getting bored or annoyed with other sober folks. ... thus leading me to drink.
I feel strangely desperate to hear someone tell me their story of this type of thing that occurs, and how they moved through it. Specifically, resentment and head-tripping.
So... Just keeping this post active in case someone sees it who has really battled through this type of thing and who can give me some good, positive, thorough and loving advice.
I am having such a difficult time letting this go.
I am angry that I was told by two members (not here, on another site) that getting sober would be nearly impossible for me because of the situation I am in. I feel like that was so negative, and it totally scared me.
I need to chew on something constructive with another sober person.

herculana

And I realize I sound demanding, but in this case, for the first time, I am learning that staying in communication and being a squeaky wheel works for the newly sober of us. So I am squeaking!

wildflower70

I think that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks of you, what do you think of you?
Focusing on the positive things in your life will help the urges to drink take a back seat. Acknowledging your positive qualities ( while sober) can help you to want to keep those qualities shinning bright (booze kills our best intentions).
Never turn away from seeing things clearly, see yourself clearly.

Carlotta

First, I want to congratulate you on 3 days sober. This is awesome and I hope you will keep up the good work.
You are in very early sobriety and it is perfectly normal to feel raw and angry. Not only are you physically detoxing but also for a lot of folks there is a mourning/grief process which goes along with quitting.

I would suggest that you just observe those emotions and accept them and let them be. You mentioned that you used to practice yoga, maybe you could start again your practice. Personally, mindfulness meditation helps me a lot.

Your living situation is rough but you can definitely become and stay sober while living with an active alcoholic. I did it and so did many others on this forum. Just check out this old thread of mine, you will see that you are not alone in that situation
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...loved-one.html

There will probably going to be a lot of changes for you in the future but this is where you are at right now and it is what it is. Just don't drink no matter what and keep reaching out for support.

You might not like some of the responses you get but remember that people give you feed back based on their own experiences and bias. People are trying to help and support you in their own ways. Keep in mind also that some of us have a more direct, no hold barred style of communication. I am working on it but I have ruffled quite a few feathers in my day and still do occasionally.

Try to be gentle and compassionate to yourself and realize that nothing truly last and that those feelings will eventually be replaced by others. Chances are that in a year or two when you re read your OP you will have forgotten about the incident or that at least you will see it from a totally different perspective.

Wishing you a peaceful sober day

gregknight

Maybe I am only speaking for myself but I would be cautious of anything going on in your head on day three. Congratulations on getting there but in my experience, the early days are often filled with tremendous anxiety, paranoia, anger, resentments, and a general case of being pissed-off. I wouldn't do much or think much, other than doing whatever it takes to stay sober.

Anna

To do this, I suggest you stop listening to people who upset you. Instead, sit quietly with yourself, no outside interference and just be still. That is how you will find the answers. You have the answers. The outside interference is preventing you from hearing them.

herculana

Carlotta... That was exactly the type of loving, and honest communication I needed. Thank you so very much for taking the time to write that. I was really struggling. I keep getting triggered repeatedly today.

Staying as close as possible to this site right now is what IS keeping me sober, as a matter of fact.

I do not need to spend the day away from sober people. I absolutely NEED to talk with others when I am feeling this way.

Thank you again.

<3

kenton

[QUOTE=herculana;6467815]I really need to hear other stories of resentment and grudges and head tripping and how a person changed their thinking into a more sane, balanced, and loving place.

Hi Herculana, well done on three days.

I could write a very long novel about all my resentments, grudges and head tripping. You're not alone in your style of thinking. Thing is, holding onto all the resentments and grudges did me no favours at all. All they did was make me drink and in the end I think my AV was on constant look out for new resentments, new grudges so that I would keep consoling myself with booze.

I used to make up entire scenarios in my own head. I would imagine that people hated me, said awful things about me, judged me, laughed at me blah blah blah. Maybe people did but I never had any proof. My mind told me it was true so I assumed it was true. I used to have whole made up arguments inside my own head. And then when I saw the person I would act as if the made up argument had actually happened! No wonder people got a funny vibe off me.

I find mindfulness really hard because my mind races so much but I'd really recommend it. Mindfulness taught me that not every thought I think is the truth. It also taught me to let certain thoughts go and to examine my emotions before reacting in anger. Even though I'm the opposite of a mindfulness expert, I've found it really useful.

The other thing I found useful was a quote that someone here wrote, something like "what other people think of me is none of my business". I really like that. I care a lot less now about what other people think of me. Sobriety has given me so much clarity that I don't make up scenarios and arguments in my mind anymore. This has been fantastic because all those imaginary arguments were so emotionally draining.

Not sure if any of this has been helpful, I just wanted to reassure you that you're not alone and by staying sober you will develop clarity and balance. And once you have clarity and balance, all the stuff that can make you so angry now, it just won't bother you.

Good luck and stay strong. You can do this

teatreeoil007

I don't know if this other person has actually done something wrong to you...maybe she has....OR if you resent because of who/what she is; her lot in life; her "situation" and circumstances. But like Anvil pointed out, you don't know what's going on in her head or what kind of demons she may have been battling all along, that you don't know about.

We tend to look at people and assume things about them based upon what we "see"...but the truth is we rarely see it ALL...the deep hidden recesses of their hearts/minds/souls. And, some people are really good about how they "present"....they can be stoic, composed, poised....when inside they could be quaking at the knees.

Whenever I start to compare myself to others in a way that I wished I had what they had it almost always LEADS TO resentment. 9/10. "Why isn't she suffering as much as me?" "Why can't I have what she has?" "Why do I have to work and toil so hard just to have the bare minimum when that rich person over there is whining simply because they are 'too busy and stressed' with how much they've got going on and they don't even have to work?"

One thing I've come to realize in knowing people is that some of the richest ones monetarily are still not that happy and have a hang-dog face....WHY IS THAT? I don't know! I don't know why that person isn't really happy with what they've got. It doesn't make sense to me. And why does anyone want to compete with me, when I have no desire to compete with them? Well, that's just life, I guess. There are some people who will never quite be happy, or so it seems. They go from one thing to the next, thinking it will bring them happiness, and STILL true happiness evades them.

My point: Most EVERYONE has areas of SORROW in their lives. No one is spared. So, try to let the resentment go....knowing all of us pay a price in one way shape or form. The time spent nursing a grudge is a valuable waste of your time, mental and emotional and spiritual energy. It doesn't really profit you.

And, simply try not to compare as it doesn't really help you in your daily struggles. Yes, it's okay to look at others and be inspired. It's okay to look at someone and see something they've got that you might like to have more of-something admirable....BUT, instead of being resentful of them, look at what they are doing in their life to be the way they are. Is it just that they are lucky? It may seem that way at times. But do we know what they do day in and day out in their daily habits that make them the way they are?

Example: Someone who is at a healthy weight as opposed to someone who is obese. Genetics does play a role. But a lot of is habits. Often an accumulation of a lifetime of habits. It often boils down to simple math. Calories in/calories out. In the calories in/calories out equation there is an "expense" in there somewhere. My dad was NEVER ever overweight his whole life. He was lean (and sometimes mean)....but by God he worked himself to the bone. It really wasn't difficult to see why he was so lean, really, it wasn't. He paid his own price: years of blood, sweat and toil.

teatreeoil007

Sweetie, there is nothing wrong with being a boho. I am a boho at heart even though I am a middle class women with a family and a decent career....but there is this inner bohemian in me that sometimes thinks about not being "tied down"....how many times I think maybe I missed my calling and should have been in a traveling minstral band writing songs and going from one music festival to the next....knowing a liberty I don't currently "know" here in my house in a middle class suburb. How many times do those middle class women/mothers/wives dream of a different life; one that perhaps more carefree?

My point is there are many many many women who are not all that happy with a husband, 2.5 kids, two cars, two job incomes and a house in suburbs. Just as there are many many many stay at home moms who wonder if they are "missing out" on pursuing a career outside the home. They often feel underpaid and undervalued for what they do and what they are "giving up". And there are many career women who would give anything to be able to stay at home. But really, what do any of us truly "give up"? What are any of us really 'missing out on'? None of us can have it all or do it all...that's just REALITY. Most of us yearn to be able to be more carefree, in hopes we have more liberty. But I've come to know that regardless of where I am at in life, I can know liberty of spirit. And the "chains" that I might feel shackled by are chains that can be broken, but it is often just my own mindset that keeps me shackled.

teatreeoil007

Here's a paradox for you to think about: We are nothing and we are everything.

Say what?! How can that be...? Either I'm something or I'm not. But, in a lot of ways....we really are: nothing. Yet in the eyes of our Creator we have a soul that is so precious it is priceless and there is no value that can be put on it with our human thinking. We are handfuls of dust. But when True love is mixed in that dust is made priceless.