How can they start new relationships so quickly?
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Join Date: May 2017
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How can they start new relationships so quickly?
My foreign born XABF disappeared for a few weeks - no surprise. After a few weeks, my friend asked me if I had heard from him. When I told her no, I was afraid he was hurt. Nope - he had gotten engaged. He had met another woman a month ago who was MUCH older women, rich , American and also an alcoholic. He was planned to marry her, move into her mansion and she was going to buy him his own business.
As you can imagine, I was devastated. Within the past few months, I had attempted to break up with him because of his disappearing acts and he had always convinced me to give him another chance. He always promised me the world - he didn't want to lose me, he would do what it took to have me by his side, he wanted to make sure he could take care of me, he loved me, I was THE one, blah-blah-blah - clearly, all lies. In all my moments of clarity and attempts to gain control over my life, he always managed to wrangle control back and it left me at his mercy. I loved him when he was thriving at his job and I loved him now when he had lost everything due to his drinking and is completely broke. My head understands this is for the best but my heart and soul have yet to catch up. In efforts of good faith, I have blocked him on every single platform I can possibly imagine (e.g. Skype, FB, FB messenger, texts, phone, Google, email, etc.). Still, WE ALL KNOW that there are other ways to reach people if you really want to - maybe he'll always be too drunk to figure it out or, perhaps, he'll never give me another thought. Still, in the past five years, he's always managed to find me and manipulate me so I'm willing to bet it will be just a matter of time before I hear from him again.
Here is my question to the forum: Why move forward with marriage so quickly? Why would SHE marry someone who is broke and possibly looking to use her for her money and access to a green card? Could there possibly be real feelings involved here?
Listen, I know I dodged a bullet but I still want to understand the dynamics. Please humor me and give me your take on this whole situation and it's possible future outcome.
As you can imagine, I was devastated. Within the past few months, I had attempted to break up with him because of his disappearing acts and he had always convinced me to give him another chance. He always promised me the world - he didn't want to lose me, he would do what it took to have me by his side, he wanted to make sure he could take care of me, he loved me, I was THE one, blah-blah-blah - clearly, all lies. In all my moments of clarity and attempts to gain control over my life, he always managed to wrangle control back and it left me at his mercy. I loved him when he was thriving at his job and I loved him now when he had lost everything due to his drinking and is completely broke. My head understands this is for the best but my heart and soul have yet to catch up. In efforts of good faith, I have blocked him on every single platform I can possibly imagine (e.g. Skype, FB, FB messenger, texts, phone, Google, email, etc.). Still, WE ALL KNOW that there are other ways to reach people if you really want to - maybe he'll always be too drunk to figure it out or, perhaps, he'll never give me another thought. Still, in the past five years, he's always managed to find me and manipulate me so I'm willing to bet it will be just a matter of time before I hear from him again.
Here is my question to the forum: Why move forward with marriage so quickly? Why would SHE marry someone who is broke and possibly looking to use her for her money and access to a green card? Could there possibly be real feelings involved here?
Listen, I know I dodged a bullet but I still want to understand the dynamics. Please humor me and give me your take on this whole situation and it's possible future outcome.
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
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Don't try to apply normal relationship logic to the choices of two addicts. You can spend the rest of your life trying to understand these dynamics and it will still boil down to two broken people desperately trying to build an illusion of a whole, which is something I hope you want nothing to do with.
I'm not going to give you my take on its potential outcome. This is not a fantasy game that will in any way help you move on. Better to accept that yes, you absolutely dodged a bullet here and get on getting on.
I'm not going to give you my take on its potential outcome. This is not a fantasy game that will in any way help you move on. Better to accept that yes, you absolutely dodged a bullet here and get on getting on.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'd suggest NOT trying to figure out the motive behind the marriage. It has zero to do with you, and whether it's good/bad for them, together or separately, is not your concern.
And as far as your feelings go, remember that YOU tried several times to break up with him. Yes, he lied and manipulated you, but you were ready to walk away before he sweet-talked his way back into a relationship with you. Now, you not only have the original reasons you wanted to break up, but you have this ADDITIONAL reason to be done with him.
So BE done with him. Nobody likes to feel "played," but it happens to most people at least once or twice in a lifetime.
Good going on the blocking. If he does manage to contact you, you should now be certain of what your response will be. Click.
And as far as your feelings go, remember that YOU tried several times to break up with him. Yes, he lied and manipulated you, but you were ready to walk away before he sweet-talked his way back into a relationship with you. Now, you not only have the original reasons you wanted to break up, but you have this ADDITIONAL reason to be done with him.
So BE done with him. Nobody likes to feel "played," but it happens to most people at least once or twice in a lifetime.
Good going on the blocking. If he does manage to contact you, you should now be certain of what your response will be. Click.
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Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
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"Why move forward with marriage so quickly?"
because he's nuts.
"Why would SHE marry someone who is broke and possibly looking to use her for her money and access to a green card?"
because shes nuts.
Could there possibly be real feelings involved here?
even nuts have feelings.
because he's nuts.
"Why would SHE marry someone who is broke and possibly looking to use her for her money and access to a green card?"
because shes nuts.
Could there possibly be real feelings involved here?
even nuts have feelings.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by tomsteve 
"Why move forward with marriage so quickly?"
because he's nuts.
"Why would SHE marry someone who is broke and possibly looking to use her for her money and access to a green card?"
because shes nuts.
Could there possibly be real feelings involved here?
even nuts have feelings.
because he's nuts.
"Why would SHE marry someone who is broke and possibly looking to use her for her money and access to a green card?"
because shes nuts.
Could there possibly be real feelings involved here?
even nuts have feelings.
With bells on.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: uk
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by tomsteve
"Why move forward with marriage so quickly?"
because he's nuts.
"Why would SHE marry someone who is broke and possibly looking to use her for her money and access to a green card?"
because shes nuts.
Could there possibly be real feelings involved here?
even nuts have feelings.
because he's nuts.
"Why would SHE marry someone who is broke and possibly looking to use her for her money and access to a green card?"
because shes nuts.
Could there possibly be real feelings involved here?
even nuts have feelings.
Funny and also true.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 6,902
Originally Posted by twocsgirl
Does this mean you wholeheartedly agree with TomSteve's post? I've never heard this idiom in this type of context.
It means, I agree with that 120%
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Posts: 151
Hi two,
My situation was a little different so if my opinion isn't helpful to you, I understand.
I think the core of what I struggled with was making any logical sense of why an A would do anything. Why do they drink to the point of hurting themselves? Why do they drink and drive endangering themselves, their children, and other drivers? Any other question about why an A does what an A does.
What I've learned and this was soooo soooo frustrating to me until I came to acceptance of it. "I will never know the reason for why they do what they do, because most of the time they don't even know why they do what they do"
Logic and rational thought have no place here. Their rules do not apply. Not to the A's behavior and not to ours.
Hopefully, in time you will come to a place that I did.... that it's no longer important to understand why and is only important to understand whether or not the behavior is acceptable to us.
Keep posting and keep asking questions. I asked tons of questions. I didn't always like the answers I got. In fact some of them pissed me off. But everyone here genuinely cares and speaks from a place of caring, empathy, compassion, and experience
My situation was a little different so if my opinion isn't helpful to you, I understand.
I think the core of what I struggled with was making any logical sense of why an A would do anything. Why do they drink to the point of hurting themselves? Why do they drink and drive endangering themselves, their children, and other drivers? Any other question about why an A does what an A does.
What I've learned and this was soooo soooo frustrating to me until I came to acceptance of it. "I will never know the reason for why they do what they do, because most of the time they don't even know why they do what they do"
Logic and rational thought have no place here. Their rules do not apply. Not to the A's behavior and not to ours.
Hopefully, in time you will come to a place that I did.... that it's no longer important to understand why and is only important to understand whether or not the behavior is acceptable to us.
Keep posting and keep asking questions. I asked tons of questions. I didn't always like the answers I got. In fact some of them pissed me off. But everyone here genuinely cares and speaks from a place of caring, empathy, compassion, and experience
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Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Twocsgirl, no one is making fun of your heartbreak. And I get you don't like the answers you're getting here because they suggest you focus on the only thing you can control (you) rather than everything else you can't (your ex and his fiancee).
The collective experience of this board has been through this and other similar situations about a thousand times over. We share what worked for us and what didn't. It isn't said without compassion. We really do care about how you feel, but we also know that continuing to dwell in the problem rather than the solution will only prolong your pain.
As always, take what you want and leave the rest. We're here for you either way.
The collective experience of this board has been through this and other similar situations about a thousand times over. We share what worked for us and what didn't. It isn't said without compassion. We really do care about how you feel, but we also know that continuing to dwell in the problem rather than the solution will only prolong your pain.
As always, take what you want and leave the rest. We're here for you either way.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 10
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty
Twocsgirl, no one is making fun of your heartbreak. And I get you don't like the answers you're getting here because they suggest you focus on the only thing you can control (you) rather than everything else you can't (your ex and his fiancee).
The collective experience of this board has been through this and other similar situations about a thousand times over. We share what worked for us and what didn't. It isn't said without compassion. We really do care about how you feel, but we also know that continuing to dwell in the problem rather than the solution will only prolong your pain.
As always, take what you want and leave the rest. We're here for you either way.
The collective experience of this board has been through this and other similar situations about a thousand times over. We share what worked for us and what didn't. It isn't said without compassion. We really do care about how you feel, but we also know that continuing to dwell in the problem rather than the solution will only prolong your pain.
As always, take what you want and leave the rest. We're here for you either way.
Last edited by twocsgirl; 05-21-2017 at 01:52 PM. Reason: left out word
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: UK
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Active alcoholics tend to look for the next fix where they can find it. New relationships are buzzy, heady and exciting. We can lose ourselves in them. We can lie our arses off if we choose because the person hasn't had the chance to get to know the real us yet, so we can act out being a wonderful person and even get to fool ourselves. Once the buzzy excitement wears off and we have to work at it and they start calling us out on our bull-poop then we start feeling sorry for ourselves and look for the next victim. Not consciously necessarily. But it amounts to the same thing.
And those nuts will have plenty of feelings. All wild and irrational and completely selfish. It sickens me to think I was like this myself and pray and pray that I will never go back to that place.
I'm sorry you have been hurt by this experience but pleased that you have escaped the insanity of life with an emotionally unavailable active alcoholic. I don't know you but can say with absolute certainty that you deserve better than he is capable or would want to give you. Any person deserves better. Honestly. It might not feel like it now but this is a GOOD thing to have happened. You have been freed up so you can be with someone capable of loving back.
BB
And those nuts will have plenty of feelings. All wild and irrational and completely selfish. It sickens me to think I was like this myself and pray and pray that I will never go back to that place.
I'm sorry you have been hurt by this experience but pleased that you have escaped the insanity of life with an emotionally unavailable active alcoholic. I don't know you but can say with absolute certainty that you deserve better than he is capable or would want to give you. Any person deserves better. Honestly. It might not feel like it now but this is a GOOD thing to have happened. You have been freed up so you can be with someone capable of loving back.
BB
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Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by twocsgirl
She didn't respond - she laughed aloud. She explained, I thanked her for her explanation and we moved on. If I wasn't ready to listen, I would not have thanked anyone for their comments.
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Join Date: May 2017
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Originally Posted by Berrybean
Active alcoholics tend to look for the next fix where they can find it. New relationships are buzzy, heady and exciting. We can lose ourselves in them. We can lie our arses off if we choose because the person hasn't had the chance to get to know the real us yet, so we can act out being a wonderful person and even get to fool ourselves. Once the buzzy excitement wears off and we have to work at it and they start calling us out on our bull-poop then we start feeling sorry for ourselves and look for the next victim. Not consciously necessarily. But it amounts to the same thing.
And those nuts will have plenty of feelings. All wild and irrational and completely selfish. It sickens me to think I was like this myself and pray and pray that I will never go back to that place.
I'm sorry you have been hurt by this experience but pleased that you have escaped the insanity of life with an emotionally unavailable active alcoholic. I don't know you but can say with absolute certainty that you deserve better than he is capable or would want to give you. Any person deserves better. Honestly. It might not feel like it now but this is a GOOD thing to have happened. You have been freed up so you can be with someone capable of loving back.
BB
And those nuts will have plenty of feelings. All wild and irrational and completely selfish. It sickens me to think I was like this myself and pray and pray that I will never go back to that place.
I'm sorry you have been hurt by this experience but pleased that you have escaped the insanity of life with an emotionally unavailable active alcoholic. I don't know you but can say with absolute certainty that you deserve better than he is capable or would want to give you. Any person deserves better. Honestly. It might not feel like it now but this is a GOOD thing to have happened. You have been freed up so you can be with someone capable of loving back.
BB
He was the first A that I ever had in my life - I've been pretty sheltered, I guess. It took me years to piece it all together - sudden disappearances, hot and cold emotions, he SEEMED to be more honest when he had had a drink or two. It wasn't until I spent a week at his home that I noticed all the bottles of rum and wine piling up in the corner. Funny how, when they drink the same type of liquor, you can't tell when one was empty and a new one was opened All the other addictive and risky behaviors (like smoking or womanizing or jumping from country to country) started to connect to the drinking as well. I started going to Al-Anon to help understand the issue and come to grips that my feelings couldn't save him. I can identify the pattern in both your words and my experience. Thank you very much.
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Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
twocsgirl,
For some people here, and I definitely include myself in the equation, having a truly morbid sense of humor is one way we survive.
I worked in the HIV/AIDS field in the nineties and I got to work with people whose senses of humor were so black that they would have given black holes a run for their money.
I worked near the World Trade Center during 9/11 and on the way home I was wisecracking up a storm. Was it my proudest moment? Not by a long shot. But it was a coping mechanism. People were covered in ash, some were sobbing, it was just so quiet. We didn't know what to do. My own hands were shaking. Later on, every time somebody flicked a light switch, I wanted nothing more but to duck under the table. I had panic attacks every time I heard a plane fly overhead. But you would have never known it if you saw me walking home that day.
Sometimes, when you're in the worst of it, the only thing you can do is laugh because otherwise you fear your soul will die instead.
For some people here, and I definitely include myself in the equation, having a truly morbid sense of humor is one way we survive.
I worked in the HIV/AIDS field in the nineties and I got to work with people whose senses of humor were so black that they would have given black holes a run for their money.
I worked near the World Trade Center during 9/11 and on the way home I was wisecracking up a storm. Was it my proudest moment? Not by a long shot. But it was a coping mechanism. People were covered in ash, some were sobbing, it was just so quiet. We didn't know what to do. My own hands were shaking. Later on, every time somebody flicked a light switch, I wanted nothing more but to duck under the table. I had panic attacks every time I heard a plane fly overhead. But you would have never known it if you saw me walking home that day.
Sometimes, when you're in the worst of it, the only thing you can do is laugh because otherwise you fear your soul will die instead.
Last edited by PuzzledHeart; 05-21-2017 at 03:01 PM. Reason: Misspellings.
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