How to break the news to AH?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 223
How to break the news to AH?
I've been living away from AH for about 1.5 months. Other than a few heart tugs, I've been mostly pleased with the change. Every time I am around him, I feel the anxiety rushing back. He is still on antibuse and not drinking. He has made a few more steps toward progress in my book (trying to get healthier, counseling, rereading some books he has found helpful, etc) but nothing too intense like I feel like it should be.
Anyways, I've been struggling to pull the trigger and start the divorce process. I feel like I still question whether I tried hard enough (15 years, so that seems silly but I do) and I get nervous and sad for my young kids. But the idea of ever moving back with him and getting back to where we maybe once were seems daunting, impossible, and gives me anxiety. So I'm pretty sure I know where this is going.
Which leads me to....how do I tell him?? He still thinks he has a shot I'm pretty sure. I also know that he doesn't want this. Also in his mind he is doing what I want him to do by not drinking and doing some of these extra things. Help please!
Anyways, I've been struggling to pull the trigger and start the divorce process. I feel like I still question whether I tried hard enough (15 years, so that seems silly but I do) and I get nervous and sad for my young kids. But the idea of ever moving back with him and getting back to where we maybe once were seems daunting, impossible, and gives me anxiety. So I'm pretty sure I know where this is going.
Which leads me to....how do I tell him?? He still thinks he has a shot I'm pretty sure. I also know that he doesn't want this. Also in his mind he is doing what I want him to do by not drinking and doing some of these extra things. Help please!
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
batchel, remember that he drank for years when he knew what pain it caused you. I'm not saying you telling him it's over should be seen as revenge, but he's had it coming for a long time and has only put in some effort so late it's basically useless.
I'm suggesting you don't get too delicate about hurting him.
How do you tell him? You could say that living apart has made you realise you will never go back, and that divorce will allow both of you to move on. You really admire what he's doing with sobriety, but he must look at it as benefitting himself not as an exercise to get you to return; it's not happening.
As a recovered A, I know that genuine sobriety really is done because you're sick of yourself, not to manipulate other people. I know it's said over and over, but it really is true. When you can't stand your own drinking and what it's made you become, you get sober. My feeling is your XAH isn't there yet, but if he is he'll keep going.
I'm suggesting you don't get too delicate about hurting him.
How do you tell him? You could say that living apart has made you realise you will never go back, and that divorce will allow both of you to move on. You really admire what he's doing with sobriety, but he must look at it as benefitting himself not as an exercise to get you to return; it's not happening.
As a recovered A, I know that genuine sobriety really is done because you're sick of yourself, not to manipulate other people. I know it's said over and over, but it really is true. When you can't stand your own drinking and what it's made you become, you get sober. My feeling is your XAH isn't there yet, but if he is he'll keep going.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: UK
Posts: 207
Hi batchel,
I feel as though I'm at exactly the same stage therefore I have no advice to offer but I do empathise and offer support.
I left my marriage in January and we have lived apart since then.
My AH is very active with AA now, sponsor, steps etc Has a counsellor to help him through his issues and also meets up with a priest for spiritual encouragement.
As far as I'm concerned he is doing everything I required of him. He appears to be humble - no more apportioning blame, open and honest about his past etc. Acknowledges the impact of his drinking.
I'm ok with being separated, my life is filling up with plans, hobbies, family and friends so at the moment I'm not thinking about a reconciliation and sounds like it might be same for you - we don't have any children together so that makes my situation simpler.
It's so very difficult to tell a person no when they are doing everything within their power to fix themselves and the situation - not easy!
I hope you figure out what is best for you. you're wise to wait as your husband's recovery is still very recent and by your own admission you feel it isn't as strong as it could be.
Take care
I feel as though I'm at exactly the same stage therefore I have no advice to offer but I do empathise and offer support.
I left my marriage in January and we have lived apart since then.
My AH is very active with AA now, sponsor, steps etc Has a counsellor to help him through his issues and also meets up with a priest for spiritual encouragement.
As far as I'm concerned he is doing everything I required of him. He appears to be humble - no more apportioning blame, open and honest about his past etc. Acknowledges the impact of his drinking.
I'm ok with being separated, my life is filling up with plans, hobbies, family and friends so at the moment I'm not thinking about a reconciliation and sounds like it might be same for you - we don't have any children together so that makes my situation simpler.
It's so very difficult to tell a person no when they are doing everything within their power to fix themselves and the situation - not easy!
I hope you figure out what is best for you. you're wise to wait as your husband's recovery is still very recent and by your own admission you feel it isn't as strong as it could be.
Take care
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Bachtel,
I am sorry for the uncertainty and guilt and anxiety you are feeling. I will never tell you to do one thing or the other, and sometimes the old saying of 'too little, too late' does ring true.
If you ultimately decide that divorce is the best thing for you and the children, then perhaps you can talk to him in a quiet, yet public, place. Coffee shop over lunch, public park after work, just so that the drama will be minimized by the slightly public nature of the place?
Wishing you all the best luck and much peace and joy as you move forward...whatever that looks like.
I am sorry for the uncertainty and guilt and anxiety you are feeling. I will never tell you to do one thing or the other, and sometimes the old saying of 'too little, too late' does ring true.
If you ultimately decide that divorce is the best thing for you and the children, then perhaps you can talk to him in a quiet, yet public, place. Coffee shop over lunch, public park after work, just so that the drama will be minimized by the slightly public nature of the place?
Wishing you all the best luck and much peace and joy as you move forward...whatever that looks like.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I agree with Seren's thought of doing it in a semi-public place.
For this conversation, I'd get a couple of messages VERY straight in my own mind first, so you don't wind up giving out mixed messages. The most important is that your mind is made up. It will take some time for him to process and accept that--just as it would for you if the shoe were on the other foot. So be prepared for the shock, anger, feelings of betrayal, etc. They are actually pretty human reactions, not specific to alcoholics. When I told my first husband I wanted out of the marriage, he'd been sober for 15 years, was a pretty emotionally balanced person, and he still had a lot of difficulty with it. In his case, I think it was more of a shock because we hadn't discussed separating, much less done it. In your case, at least you've already gotten yourself out the door, so there will be a bit less of an actual CHANGE in your circumstances. Anyway, when my normally calm and quiet husband yelled and threw something (not at me), I let it roll off me and just quietly repeated myself. Try not to take it personally. It hurts to feel rejected, no matter how reasonable it is for the other person to move on.
It's not all about his feelings, but you can avoid being unnecessarily hurtful. As suggested above, you can tell him that you are hopeful he will continue with his recovery efforts, and that you want nothing more than for your kids to have a dad they can look up to and count on.
You can tell him that, as much as you respect his recovery efforts, the separation has made you realize that you no longer feel that your journey and his can be the same. Express your desire to resolve things as amicably as possible so you can cooperate in raising the kids.
Those are the main messages, I think, that you want to convey during this conversation. Don't get into a post-mortem of the marriage, who did what, who should have done what. None of that can be changed. The issue is the future, and you don't want to give him false hope that reconciliation is possible. That ship has sailed. Your mind is made up.
I'd make this a relatively short meeting (not over an hour--maybe have an excuse for where you need to be). Tell him you appreciate that it will take some time to process this, and that you'd like to set up another meeting in the future, after he's had time to process and think about everything, to discuss whether you can agree on details regarding the divorce.
My best advice is to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. And realize that the initial emotional reaction isn't NECESSARILY predictive of whether you'll be able to resolve things by agreement. The first person to make the decision always has the advantage of having thought long and hard about splitting up. He may simply not be there yet.
For this conversation, I'd get a couple of messages VERY straight in my own mind first, so you don't wind up giving out mixed messages. The most important is that your mind is made up. It will take some time for him to process and accept that--just as it would for you if the shoe were on the other foot. So be prepared for the shock, anger, feelings of betrayal, etc. They are actually pretty human reactions, not specific to alcoholics. When I told my first husband I wanted out of the marriage, he'd been sober for 15 years, was a pretty emotionally balanced person, and he still had a lot of difficulty with it. In his case, I think it was more of a shock because we hadn't discussed separating, much less done it. In your case, at least you've already gotten yourself out the door, so there will be a bit less of an actual CHANGE in your circumstances. Anyway, when my normally calm and quiet husband yelled and threw something (not at me), I let it roll off me and just quietly repeated myself. Try not to take it personally. It hurts to feel rejected, no matter how reasonable it is for the other person to move on.
It's not all about his feelings, but you can avoid being unnecessarily hurtful. As suggested above, you can tell him that you are hopeful he will continue with his recovery efforts, and that you want nothing more than for your kids to have a dad they can look up to and count on.
You can tell him that, as much as you respect his recovery efforts, the separation has made you realize that you no longer feel that your journey and his can be the same. Express your desire to resolve things as amicably as possible so you can cooperate in raising the kids.
Those are the main messages, I think, that you want to convey during this conversation. Don't get into a post-mortem of the marriage, who did what, who should have done what. None of that can be changed. The issue is the future, and you don't want to give him false hope that reconciliation is possible. That ship has sailed. Your mind is made up.
I'd make this a relatively short meeting (not over an hour--maybe have an excuse for where you need to be). Tell him you appreciate that it will take some time to process this, and that you'd like to set up another meeting in the future, after he's had time to process and think about everything, to discuss whether you can agree on details regarding the divorce.
My best advice is to prepare for the worst and hope for the best. And realize that the initial emotional reaction isn't NECESSARILY predictive of whether you'll be able to resolve things by agreement. The first person to make the decision always has the advantage of having thought long and hard about splitting up. He may simply not be there yet.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2016
Location: Wareham, Mass
Posts: 7,067
Batchel, time and distance brings clarity. You now know what you don't want, your old life.
That is huge! Some great advice has been offered. There will be pain around the process of untangling your life from his, but that will pass in time.
Good luck. Here when you need us.
That is huge! Some great advice has been offered. There will be pain around the process of untangling your life from his, but that will pass in time.
Good luck. Here when you need us.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
batchel, you're such a great example of how time and space can really clarify things. I know that feeling of questioning things, questioning yourself, wondering if somehow it really all IS just a big misunderstanding--and I also know how, over time, I've come to see things so much differently. While I do still question my perceptions/understanding of some situations, I have accepted that I'll never know the whole truth and it doesn't matter anyway.
One thing I do not question at all any more is whether divorce was the right thing to do for me. It was. Absolutely.
I have no words of wisdom for you, but it seems you've gotten a lot of useful input from other members. I'm sure this next step won't be easy, but I'm also sure you'll find a way through it and do it the best way you can.
One thing I do not question at all any more is whether divorce was the right thing to do for me. It was. Absolutely.
I have no words of wisdom for you, but it seems you've gotten a lot of useful input from other members. I'm sure this next step won't be easy, but I'm also sure you'll find a way through it and do it the best way you can.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Don't know if this is the sort of suggestions you want but ...
1. Semi-public place with more than one exit (e.g. Starbucks). Don't get stuck ordering a lot of food - buy a coffee or whatever at the counter so you can leave whenever you choose.
2. If possible, he should be the first to leave.
3. Stick to one message - "I am going to begin the divorce proceeding on Wednesday", and don't justify, explain, negotiate or give any ground for him to think you might reconsider. Avoid words like "if" or "unless". (You'll probably need to sound a lot more certain than you actually feel at this point!). If you start getting into arguments, negotiations or promises to change, that may be a signal for you to take your coffee and go.
4. Follow up with a short letter or email by the end of the day confirming in writing what you told him. (Again, very short, to the point, no elaborating or explaining).
GOOD LUCK! It is scary to think about, but you can get through this.
1. Semi-public place with more than one exit (e.g. Starbucks). Don't get stuck ordering a lot of food - buy a coffee or whatever at the counter so you can leave whenever you choose.
2. If possible, he should be the first to leave.
3. Stick to one message - "I am going to begin the divorce proceeding on Wednesday", and don't justify, explain, negotiate or give any ground for him to think you might reconsider. Avoid words like "if" or "unless". (You'll probably need to sound a lot more certain than you actually feel at this point!). If you start getting into arguments, negotiations or promises to change, that may be a signal for you to take your coffee and go.
4. Follow up with a short letter or email by the end of the day confirming in writing what you told him. (Again, very short, to the point, no elaborating or explaining).
GOOD LUCK! It is scary to think about, but you can get through this.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
do you have your ducks in a row? you have been to a divorce attorney and understand the ins and outs, what you are asking as far as property and finances, and have a parenting plan ready to go? i think taking those steps will really help you to clarify your position and what you are about "proceed" WITH.
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