Needing hugs and love... <3
Gratitude Gardener
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
Needing hugs and love... <3
I am totally new here.
I hope to make some good supportive connections here, because i sure could use it.
I was practically raised in AA and it doesnt work for me... But I am very much interested in WFS (women for sobriety) and their focus on self love and the list of empowerment statements they use.
(Just found WFS today. Hoping to learn more about that group.)
AA gave me panic attacks and anxiety. Not sure why.
I am a very spiritual person (not religious) ... But this horrible alcohol black hole I can't seem to let go of has shaken my faith to its core. I am having a harder and harder time connecting to God, because I have prayed about this issue for so many years... on my knees, in tears, and at times BEGGING and PLEADING to be healed. Yet, years later I am still dealing with it. Maybe God is answering my prayers today by me coming here.
This drinking person is not who I want to be at all. And now in my forties... its just too scary
My usual cycle is a bottle of wine every other night. I get horrible hangovers, and so I have one day of being hungover and depressed and feeling a lot of self hatred, and the next day I feel good again, and so I go promptly to the store to get some more wine and basically fall into that black hole again with alcohol.
One bottle of wine every other night may not sound as terrible as some other folks drinking, but the effect it has on me is very bad. And plus, I am a very small person.
So here I am today... I drank last night and got very loud and raucous with my housemate (who has a very bad drinking problem himself). It was just us playing music, getting louder and louder and drunker and drunker. I feel bad for being so loud ... Just feeling that typical all too familiar shame today, and the recurring real life nightmare that alcohol is for me.
I want this to be done.
I want to love and forgive myself.
And I want friends who understand this problem and who I can talk to.
I hope to make some good supportive connections here, because i sure could use it.
I was practically raised in AA and it doesnt work for me... But I am very much interested in WFS (women for sobriety) and their focus on self love and the list of empowerment statements they use.
(Just found WFS today. Hoping to learn more about that group.)
AA gave me panic attacks and anxiety. Not sure why.
I am a very spiritual person (not religious) ... But this horrible alcohol black hole I can't seem to let go of has shaken my faith to its core. I am having a harder and harder time connecting to God, because I have prayed about this issue for so many years... on my knees, in tears, and at times BEGGING and PLEADING to be healed. Yet, years later I am still dealing with it. Maybe God is answering my prayers today by me coming here.
This drinking person is not who I want to be at all. And now in my forties... its just too scary
My usual cycle is a bottle of wine every other night. I get horrible hangovers, and so I have one day of being hungover and depressed and feeling a lot of self hatred, and the next day I feel good again, and so I go promptly to the store to get some more wine and basically fall into that black hole again with alcohol.
One bottle of wine every other night may not sound as terrible as some other folks drinking, but the effect it has on me is very bad. And plus, I am a very small person.
So here I am today... I drank last night and got very loud and raucous with my housemate (who has a very bad drinking problem himself). It was just us playing music, getting louder and louder and drunker and drunker. I feel bad for being so loud ... Just feeling that typical all too familiar shame today, and the recurring real life nightmare that alcohol is for me.
I want this to be done.
I want to love and forgive myself.
And I want friends who understand this problem and who I can talk to.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 5,453
welcome to SR. 
We have all been there so you came to the right place. I remember the shame and for me that was always the worse part of the hangover. They do get worse the older we get.
It would be really helpful if you could change up your routine. You say you go one day without it when your hungover and then you feel good and go get more. I hope you find something else to do instead. Like go to the gym, take a walk, meet friends for dinner, anything other then drinking. Maybe pick up a new hobby.
You may have to stay away from your roommate as much as you can for awhile as you get stronger in your sobriety.
We have all been there so you came to the right place. I remember the shame and for me that was always the worse part of the hangover. They do get worse the older we get.
It would be really helpful if you could change up your routine. You say you go one day without it when your hungover and then you feel good and go get more. I hope you find something else to do instead. Like go to the gym, take a walk, meet friends for dinner, anything other then drinking. Maybe pick up a new hobby.
You may have to stay away from your roommate as much as you can for awhile as you get stronger in your sobriety.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Welcome! It's horrible to realize the mess we've gotten ourselves into when we know we nee to stop drinking. But, have faith that you can do this. You will find lots of support here and lots of ideas on recovery.
You might also check out the Women's Forum on this board where you will find lots of wise and supportive women.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/women-recovery/
You might also check out the Women's Forum on this board where you will find lots of wise and supportive women.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/women-recovery/
Friendly Folk
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Powers Lake, Wisconsin
Posts: 21,718
Welcome to SR. Your post was very touching and I am sure there are many of us who can relate. I am one. Hope you find what you are searching for and welcome the changes as they enter your life. You have already opened yourself up to begin a huge change in your life. You are on the path of sobriety. Good things are bound to come. Make a plan and stay on course one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Welcome to SR Herc!
Perhaps God DID answer your prayers by you coming here. I know he answered mine! It's strange how we all wind up here. I was researching alcoholism and found myself reading here for quite some time before I posted. It was exactly what I needed at the time. This community is full of support from wonderful people, just like us and there's an incredible amount of information here as well.
Like you, I was brought up with AA. Both my parents and my brother used the program and my mother and brother have/had (my mother pasted in 2007) decades of sobriety. When I first began trying to get sober it was natural for me to go to AA for help. I won't say that I didn't like the program because I learned so much from the people there...but after coming to SR, I've learned that there are so many other avenues to get to the same destination.
Read, post, ask questions...the answers to your questions are all right here.
Big hugs!
Perhaps God DID answer your prayers by you coming here. I know he answered mine! It's strange how we all wind up here. I was researching alcoholism and found myself reading here for quite some time before I posted. It was exactly what I needed at the time. This community is full of support from wonderful people, just like us and there's an incredible amount of information here as well.
Like you, I was brought up with AA. Both my parents and my brother used the program and my mother and brother have/had (my mother pasted in 2007) decades of sobriety. When I first began trying to get sober it was natural for me to go to AA for help. I won't say that I didn't like the program because I learned so much from the people there...but after coming to SR, I've learned that there are so many other avenues to get to the same destination.
Read, post, ask questions...the answers to your questions are all right here.
Big hugs!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: St.Petersburg, FL.
Posts: 1,077
Welcome, herculana. You are in the right place for advice and support. It doesn't matter how much or little you drink--if it causes you suffering it's time to quit. I drank only beer, never hard liquor but alcohol is alcohol and drinking brought me so near death that I see my life today as a miracle. I don't go to AA now but it was helpful to me in early sobriety. Instead of drinking I am embracing yoga, cycling, meditation and a healthy lifestyle-- I reconnected with Christianity and play bass in the praise band at church and receive support and love from my band-mates and pastor. I volunteer as a museum docent, often working with children; this gives me a feeling of accomplishment and helps me to get out of my own head. Sending you love and hugs; you can do this and I am so glad that you've joined us.
Guest
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: UK
Posts: 2,256
I was a wine drinker too and like you I got stuck into the habit of drinking. First thing I did was accept I was alcoholic and could never drink again and then I set about breaking those habits. Instead of pouring a glass of wine do something else. Post here, go for a walk, draw a picture, read a book or just visualise what you want your life to look like. Start creating new habits, better habits. Habits that don't make you feel shame and regret. You can do it. Good luck
Gratitude Gardener
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
Thank you everyone. So very much. I keep breaking down into tears. Especially when I read the encouragement. They feel like healing tears, not hopeless tears. I didnt know how to use the site so for hours today I had no idea I was getting any responses here, and I felt so DEEPLY alone... But then I figured it out and it was like opening presents on christmas to see all of these replies <3 Scared, alone, and feeling profound shame... But I am deeply looking forward to being here on a daily basis. I need you people in my life. Thanks again. (I might post more later cause I am really suffering today and isoltated)
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,780
Welcome to the family! 
There's lots of support here. Take advantage of it and post and read often. You might want to join our Class of May thread. All you have to do is post to join.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-two.html
There's lots of support here. Take advantage of it and post and read often. You might want to join our Class of May thread. All you have to do is post to join. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-part-two.html
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by herculana 
Thank you everyone. So very much. I keep breaking down into tears. Especially when I read the encouragement. They feel like healing tears, not hopeless tears. I didnt know how to use the site so for hours today I had no idea I was getting any responses here, and I felt so DEEPLY alone... But then I figured it out and it was like opening presents on christmas to see all of these replies <3 Scared, alone, and feeling profound shame... But I am deeply looking forward to being here on a daily basis. I need you people in my life. Thanks again. (I might post more later cause I am really suffering today and isoltated)
Post as often as you want. It really helps in facing your fears!
Stay strong!
Gratitude Gardener
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2017
Posts: 278
Much love to you all. So good to be so understood and supported. SO GOOD. I would like to ask you all how you dealt with extreme shame and self-loathing? I cant even bring myself to walk my sweet dog because I can't stand the thought of being seen. I feel like I have the word I AM A DRUNK in neon on my forhead. Its possible that I will see my neighbors and its possible some of them heard my loud drunken absolutely moronic behavior last night. I am completely embarrassed. How do you forgive yourself in times like this?
Hillbilly Girl
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: In my Garden
Posts: 3,953
Welcome Hercalana! I tried AA on & off over the years & it is not for me either. I know it is for many, many but also see others here & elsewhere finding their way without alcohol outside of AA. Glad to hear you are looking at other types of support & will find the community here very helpful in your sober journey, one well worth it. Be kind to yourself & move forward
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,476
Originally Posted by herculana
I would like to ask you all how you dealt with extreme shame and self-loathing? How do you forgive yourself in times like this?
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Late to the party, but I want to welcome you too Herculana.
Oh, to go back to my 40's & do what you're doing. I was much older - clung to it far too long. So much needless damage & drama. You'll never regret taking control of your life & getting free. Please try not to fixate on your neighbors or past embarrassing behavior. That person wasn't Herculana. Hold your head high & march forward. We're here to encourage you - be proud of yourself.
Oh, to go back to my 40's & do what you're doing. I was much older - clung to it far too long. So much needless damage & drama. You'll never regret taking control of your life & getting free. Please try not to fixate on your neighbors or past embarrassing behavior. That person wasn't Herculana. Hold your head high & march forward. We're here to encourage you - be proud of yourself.
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