Raw4

Hi,
I'm new to this so please bare with me while I learn. I'm currently almost 5 months pragnant and I also have an 8yr old. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 5. He wasnt always an alcoholic. There were years were he could go days without drinking. Then one day things got bad! He use to drink beer but decided that it cost him to much to get drunk so he switched to Vodka. What use to only be a half pint, quickly turned into a 5th or more. He's been to the hospital more times then i can even count due to his drinking and when they take his blood alcohol level they are suprised that hes still walking and talking. Last year I was gonna leave him. I felt like it was the only way I could protect my daughter and myself. See when he gets drunk, he takes everything out on me. He's never been physical with me, but there have been many times i was afraid to come home in fear that that things would go that way. He's very mean when hes drunk. My daughter was also afraid. Once I told him I was leaving, he decided to get help. Went to detox and then a rehab program. Things were great for months. Then I found out i was pregnant. He was so excited. He wanted another child. I however was nervous. Nervous because I knew things could quickly turn and they did. I wish i could say i knew why, but i don't. Knowing I just cannot go through this again and the fact that last year about killed me, I decided to leave. It also didn't help that when my daughter saw what her daddy was doing again she went straight to her room and started packing her bags. She looked at me and said "momma I cant do this again. Why me? Why my daddy?" Something that I wish she never had to say. Shes the best daughter anyone could ever ask for. She deserves the moon not this. I knew it was time to leave. I called my family, the ones who i knew would help me, went and got divorce papers(hardest thing I've ever done, while trying so hard to hold the tears in) and told him I was leaveing. 2 days later he had checked himself into a detox. I wish i could say it saved our marriage, but once completing the detox he came straight home because the rehab place hes going to has no beds open. Upon his return home, he felt it necessary to tell me in detox the only person he connected with was a female. He then procced to tell me she wanted him and gave him her number in which apparently he still has. He says he wanted to be honest with me, but to me, it feels like he only said that because he wanted to hurt me. Sometimes i feel as though he forgets im pregnant. In the past month I don't think hes asked me once how I or the baby were doing, let alone his daughter. Is this normal or is it really time to just admit to myself that no matter how much I want this to work, hes done.

velma929

You can want it to work, but that won't make it happen. You can't love him enough to fix him, it won't inspire him to sobriety, love doesn't conquer all. We can love someone like crazy, and it can still be a bad match.

When I was very young, I used to think that by the time couples divorced, they must really dislike one another. I see now that that isn't true. I've known many couples who have divorced for various reasons, not just alcoholism. There is still love between them, often. There is also the realization that goals are different, desired lifestyles are different, belief systems are different, and an adult realization that those things are not going to change, and some things can't be solved by compromise.

Looking at one of the other posts (husband with 6th DUI) I am reminded of my mother's plight when Dad had a DUI and it resulted in a fatality. They were retired. The criminal case was hard enough, what with a 76 year old man going to prison. Then there was a civil case. The victim's family expected my Mom and Dad to simply liquidate their property, pensions, and retirement savings and just hand it over. They didn't, but no lawyer would help them, since, of course they were about to lose a boatload of money, so how would he get paid? Staying married to this man puts your own future at risk.

Just as important, you have a daughter, an another child on the way. You likely don't want your daughter growing up to think that this is normal, or that this is what she can expect out of life as a wife and mom.

SparkleKitty

Imagine someone telling that to your daughter when she was five months pregnant. What would your advice to her be?

You deserve the moon, too, my friend.

atalose

Yes this is alcoholic behavior for an alcoholic who really doesn't want to stop drinking. It would appear that the only reason he even went into detox and rehab in the past was because you told him you were leaving. His reaction at that moment was to comply but as you witnessed he went right back to the drinking. Then you both repeated the same cycle all over again with your threat to leave and him trotting off to rehab. He's still not ready to quit the drinking and he's met someone who probably is as sick as he is caught up in the disease. He's using that to manipulate you, get you to back off his drinking so that he can continue to drink.

Please learn as much as you can about alcoholism and addict behaviors. Maybe look into al-anon meetings in your area, keep posting here and keep yourself and your child emotionally safe and just try and focus on yourself and your baby and child.

LexieCat

Hi, and welcome. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through, but I am SO impressed by what you have done to protect yourself and your daughter.

Here's the thing--even assuming he remains sober, that abusive behavior is a separate issue. I've worked professionally in the domestic violence field for a very long time, and I've had many victims tell me that the emotional/verbal abuse was harder to heal from than the bruises.

Do you have a lawyer for the divorce? If not, I strongly suggest that you get one. You have children to protect, he is obligated to support them, and you need to be sure you get a fair share of property/debt division, etc. I also suggest that you contact your local women's shelter and talk with an advocate. Depending on where you live and the details of what happened, you might be eligible for a protective order that would require HIM to leave, while you and your daughter stay at the house. The court can also order alcohol treatment, batterers' intervention treatment, support for you and your family on a temporary basis, and other relief. The laws vary from place to place but a local advocate will be familiar with the requirements.

And I'm so glad you have family support for yourself--take advantage of all the support you can get right now.

Hugs, glad you're here.