BrendaChenowyth

A friend just text me and wanted to chat and I said I was studying. He said cool text me later when you're done. I said I'm never going to be done studying, and then I thought to myself, unless I decide to drink later (in which case I would be free to chit chat).

What?

No.

Stop it.

We don't have time for that.

I'm a bit frustrated at the moment, because as I said yesterday, when I go out and about, shopping and what not, I get the urges to stop at the state store. I traveled to a thrift store I like that was a bit of a drive and that meant passing many state stores and beer places. I just stopped and got goodies to eat as I study.

Got home safe and got back to business studying, but then my friend text and my AV went off again.

Just wanted to vent. It's these little moments that are hard. I have been in a super great mood these past two sober days and feeling totally confident and in control of things.. but the urges pop up and they can be hard to shut up.. but I know if I make that decision I am going to derail everything.

Sigh. Back to work. Pray for me.

AnvilheadII

your conviction to NOT DRINKING no matter what doesn't sound 100% solid. now is the time to reinforce your decision - no means NO, not now, not ever, not for any reason. restate your commitment, that is the best defense against any other head noise.

BrendaChenowyth

You're correct.

thomas11

BC, I know it may be hard to look into the future, but if I recall correctly this is your 3rd go-round in nursing school. Make it a priority, it will provide you a lifetime of financial security. No can of beer/glass of wine is worth risking that.

BrendaChenowyth

Had to go out again for activated charcoal, came back successfully, staying in now.. but I dropped my attention span somewhere in my travels.. :P More homework.

Tomorrow will be easy because I work from 9a-10p.. but Sunday I work half the day, and if the weather is nice, stopping for cold beer is tempting.. but I will have to come home and do more homework.

Now.. to iron and watch something funny to make it tolerable! :P

BrendaChenowyth

I had lost interest in nursing for a long time and was doing it just because "well, I should do something" and I unexpectedly stumbled upon an area of nursing I LOVE. I can actually see a future for myself where I'm happy and fulfilled. I just need to focus on that.

Gilmer

I am so thrilled about that, Brenda!

thomas11

Brenda, are you still "cool"? No drinking?

ThatWasTheOldMe

Oh how I can relate.
Except I don't "chit chat," I make an *** out of myself.

BrendaChenowyth

Depends on the person. This was someone I flirt with.. kind of a time waster and distraction for me.. I understand he's seeing someone, so that does bug me, like that isn't fair to the woman he's seeing? When I'm sober I usually won't engage much but if I'm drinking I will. Lately there's no time, but one beer and I would have had all the time in the world!

Shitzupuppy

Can you teach me what she said that made you say this? (I'm still new ish to AVRT)

AnvilheadII

sure shitzu, with a couple caveats.....1. i am not picking on brenda!! and 2. i am not an AVRT expert or even really a subscriber, there are other members here much more skilled and schooled.

so that being said....

and then I thought to myself, unless I decide to drink later

but I know if I make that decision I am going to derail everything.

the "option" to drink or not drink is still on table. instead of a firm decision to NOT DRINK no matter what. there's still some wiggle room in there......the NA Basic Text calls it still having reservations. still some "maybe" or "unless" shims that keep that back door open just a bit.

and that bit is all it takes. for ANY of us. whether we align with Just For Today, or Never Again.

that's my two cents anyways......

BrendaChenowyth

At this time, AVRT is something that muddles the issue, for me.. Other threads about this method out there.

Shitzupuppy

Sorry didn't mean to hijack your thread

BrendaChenowyth

Had a difficult time, again, because I had to go shopping. But I returned without wine. So far so good today.

I think I feel stressed because I've been allowing myself to obsess over things again..

trachemys

Brenda, when that little beast demands, throw the car keys and your wallet on the table and tell it to go to the store .

BrendaChenowyth

That's funny.

I pretty much keep tellin it I don't have time right now.. this is not a solid solution obviously.
I have an assignment that is going to take some time but I can't even begin to think about it until after tomorrow's exam.. I'm taking a break right now but studying the rest of the evening.. And it's not that I've waited to cram, but we have very limited time and I have been studying as much as my attention span will allow.

I have been feeling pretty good physically, except for trapped gas from too much soda and a strained muscle in my back and allergies - no drinking related complaints. As I hold my hands up and check for tremors.. it could be caffeine. I haven't had alcohol since Tuesday night.

Emotionally, no mood swings, anger, frustration or suicidal thoughts (eg, "I don't want to be here anymore" would be a common thought, here in the general sense).. I've been pretty happy and stable, a little assertive.. probably a little jumpy, startled by loud noises, I let out a loud yelp earlier and it was embarrassing lol..

Again, the cravings are there, but easy to deal with.. today the desire to study more is crowding out the desire to drink.. last night I was worried that it would be difficult to drive past the bar where I like to pick up a six pack, but I found my mind wandering to other things and didn't notice I was passing the bar til I was past it. That made me happy.

I'm just not going to have time to drink these next few days and I am not sure what it will be like when things slow down and I can justify it time-wise (eg, I don't have to be anywhere in the am).. I don't get it, I have been here before. Last fall I did this, I got past the withdrawal, I got past the cravings, I taught myself I didn't need it and I owned that, I found new outlets and it was great.. I had my newfound faith in God at that time and now I am back to being unsure where I stand on that..