Guess who's back?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Guess who's back?
Me. I'm back because I'm clearly incapable of setting boundaries or saying that I've had enough.
My AH got sober. It was the happiest 3 weeks of my relationship with him. At first, we were kind of wary of each other. There was a lot of built up resentment. I didn't know who he was sober and he didn't trust me to stop being so uptight, but then something magical happened. He dropped his guard first and it was like we were dating all over again. He was affectionate and I was happy again. We spent time together, we bought a car (btw carvana.com was the best thing I've ever found in my freaking life), I got an incredible raise at work. For the first time in 2 years, I could see a future with him again. I could see him holding our child, growing old beside me, being madly in love. I was so excited I couldn't even handle myself.
Then he made dinner on a Sunday night while I was out at the barn. I bought a bottle of wine probably 6 months ago (I don't drink and I saw it and I was like I'M GONNA HAVE A GLASS OF WINE AND BE AN ADULT YAS) and then never opened it. It's a sparkling red moscato and he decided to open it to "cook" with. Didn't realize that it took the entire bottle of red fizzy dessert wine to sear some scallops, but what do I know? He hates wine. I built my wall back up a little bit that night, trying not to let myself get hurt like the times before. But a few days passed and things seemed ok.
Then he bought a bottle of Hypnotiq (which is something I'd actually really like to drink because it's soooooo sweet) and drank it on his off day. The whole dang thing. But it seemed ok, he wasn't out of control wasted. I stacked my wall a little higher and continued as if nothing happened. I went out of town last weekend to visit my mommy (y'all I love my mama more than anything in the whole wide world and I NEVER get to visit her) for mother's day. I stopped by the house before I hit the road (8 hour drive) and a huge bottle of vodka was already halfway empty. I didn't say anything, I left and didn't hear from him all weekend. I enjoyed my time with my family and didn't worry about what was happening at home. It was a relief to get away and focus on my family.
When I got home, all the alcohol was gone and the house was clean. We moved forward was if nothing happened.
I think I have improved a small bit on my trying to control his drinking. My wall is back up and I'm trying to maintain my happiness. I've said I'm going to leave him a thousand times, but I never do. I continue to disappoint myself and I'm not sure why I keep coming back to post on my lack of progress, maybe it's because I miss all of y'all and your wonderful advice.
My AH got sober. It was the happiest 3 weeks of my relationship with him. At first, we were kind of wary of each other. There was a lot of built up resentment. I didn't know who he was sober and he didn't trust me to stop being so uptight, but then something magical happened. He dropped his guard first and it was like we were dating all over again. He was affectionate and I was happy again. We spent time together, we bought a car (btw carvana.com was the best thing I've ever found in my freaking life), I got an incredible raise at work. For the first time in 2 years, I could see a future with him again. I could see him holding our child, growing old beside me, being madly in love. I was so excited I couldn't even handle myself.
Then he made dinner on a Sunday night while I was out at the barn. I bought a bottle of wine probably 6 months ago (I don't drink and I saw it and I was like I'M GONNA HAVE A GLASS OF WINE AND BE AN ADULT YAS) and then never opened it. It's a sparkling red moscato and he decided to open it to "cook" with. Didn't realize that it took the entire bottle of red fizzy dessert wine to sear some scallops, but what do I know? He hates wine. I built my wall back up a little bit that night, trying not to let myself get hurt like the times before. But a few days passed and things seemed ok.
Then he bought a bottle of Hypnotiq (which is something I'd actually really like to drink because it's soooooo sweet) and drank it on his off day. The whole dang thing. But it seemed ok, he wasn't out of control wasted. I stacked my wall a little higher and continued as if nothing happened. I went out of town last weekend to visit my mommy (y'all I love my mama more than anything in the whole wide world and I NEVER get to visit her) for mother's day. I stopped by the house before I hit the road (8 hour drive) and a huge bottle of vodka was already halfway empty. I didn't say anything, I left and didn't hear from him all weekend. I enjoyed my time with my family and didn't worry about what was happening at home. It was a relief to get away and focus on my family.
When I got home, all the alcohol was gone and the house was clean. We moved forward was if nothing happened.
I think I have improved a small bit on my trying to control his drinking. My wall is back up and I'm trying to maintain my happiness. I've said I'm going to leave him a thousand times, but I never do. I continue to disappoint myself and I'm not sure why I keep coming back to post on my lack of progress, maybe it's because I miss all of y'all and your wonderful advice.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Well, now you know that for him, drinking is *not* off the table. I would be worried if you weren't building that wall after this.
And my friend, there is no time frame for figuring all of this out. Give yourself a break.
And my friend, there is no time frame for figuring all of this out. Give yourself a break.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so........how can we help? you seem to be doing a fairly good job of ignoring the drinking, but that is not going to SOLVE anything long term. especially since it didn't take him long at all to get back to drinking copious amounts. the elephant in the room isn't going anywhere.
have you been back to alanon?
have you been back to alanon?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
I went back to al-anon a few times, I really need to get back into making it a regular thing. I'm not sure how y'all can help but I do appreciate y'all being here through some of the roughest parts of my life. <3
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Good to hear from you Saveyourheart.
You seem to have lots of good friends and family as well as activities that you enjoy. Nurture these relationships and interests.
More will be revealed in regards to your husband's drinking as well as what you want in your own life.
Keep posting.
You seem to have lots of good friends and family as well as activities that you enjoy. Nurture these relationships and interests.
More will be revealed in regards to your husband's drinking as well as what you want in your own life.
Keep posting.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, there's no race here--you can take your time. I would stop making statements about leaving until you're ready to mean it. He's heard them--he'll still act shocked if you actually do it, but there's no purpose to be served by repeating it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2017
Posts: 208
Thanks y'all, I'm trying to live more for me now, which does make me happier. I don't really argue with him about things that are unnecessary, I make a statement then I move forward (for example- him: "you can't go there unless you do this" me: "I don't need your permission to visit my sister" 
)
The "I've said a thousand times that I'm going to leave him and I never do" was more of a reference about how many times I've told myself that I'm going to leave him, I don't talk about alcohol with him anymore. Even when he was sober, we didn't really touch that topic because I've finally decided that it's pointless. If he's going to drink, he's going to drink. If he's not, he won't. Me screaming, "YOU'RE HURTING ME PLEASE STOP DRINKING" isn't going to stop him. That's his monster. It's his battle. He has to do it alone.
I guess that's where I've improved a little and I know I should be more gentle on myself with my progress, but I just get frustrated with myself and my ignorance sometimes. I'd give anything to live in those three weeks forever, but that's not realistic and I have to keep moving forward. Thanks for the support and love, y'all. <3
) The "I've said a thousand times that I'm going to leave him and I never do" was more of a reference about how many times I've told myself that I'm going to leave him, I don't talk about alcohol with him anymore. Even when he was sober, we didn't really touch that topic because I've finally decided that it's pointless. If he's going to drink, he's going to drink. If he's not, he won't. Me screaming, "YOU'RE HURTING ME PLEASE STOP DRINKING" isn't going to stop him. That's his monster. It's his battle. He has to do it alone.
I guess that's where I've improved a little and I know I should be more gentle on myself with my progress, but I just get frustrated with myself and my ignorance sometimes. I'd give anything to live in those three weeks forever, but that's not realistic and I have to keep moving forward. Thanks for the support and love, y'all. <3
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 8,982
Originally Posted by SaveYourHeart 
I don't talk about alcohol with him anymore. Even when he was sober, we didn't really touch that topic because I've finally decided that it's pointless. If he's going to drink, he's going to drink. If he's not, he won't. Me screaming, "YOU'RE HURTING ME PLEASE STOP DRINKING" isn't going to stop him. That's his monster. It's his battle. He has to do it alone.
. <3
. <3
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