lovinglife123

Hi all,

First of all, I want to say I really appreciate how compassionate everyone is on here. That's the reason why I finally decided to post. I've been reading threads on this site for hours everyday this past week, since I found out about my ex bf's cocaine addiction.

Some background about me: I had just graduated from a prestigious university last year, am now working for a fortune 500 company, and will be returning to school soon for my masters degree. That being said, all my life, I've been far from drugs/drug users and knew nothing about it except it kills you basically. I have always been that one person who knows what she wants in life and will work to get it. However, my relationship with my ex bf has made me become helpless, powerless and depressed, despite the fact that I decided to end it a few days ago. He just entered rehab today.

Some details about our relationship: it was relatively short; we had only dated each other for 6 months. He had his fair share of mood swings, angry outbursts, jealousy issues, and verbal abuse towards me. Being inexperienced in relationships, I thought that just meant we needed more work/communication to make our relationship right. All this also arose after a cheating incident- I made out with someone two months after we started dating when I was drunk in a bar. I confessed to him and had been working on my drinking ever since and was never drunk unless I was with him. I'm mentioning this because I feel I couldn't blame him for how he acted for a while. It was an on-and-off relationship because a lot of fights happened as a result of him being reminded of the incident and if he hurt me, he would not take full responsibility and turn the situation around until I said we were over. Then he would come back begging saying it was completely his fault. We finally talked this issue out and sought to address it.

A couple nights after that, I found out about his cocaine use. He did it in the bathroom while I was at his house. I was extremely angry and hurt when I found out and told him I never wanted to see him again and after I left the house he texted saying he wanted to kill himself. I was worried so I went back and told his family. They immediately drove down 6h from his hometown to talk about sending him to rehab. It was then that I finally learned that his addiction has been going on since HS (he's now 25). In the beginning of our relationship, he told me that he used it socially and when I said I was not ok with that, he promised me he wouldn't and that he could give up his druggy friends. (I know I was naive at the time...) He had dealt drugs and was arrested in HS. He had tried moving away from his hometown and moving in with different family members to get away from bad influences. I see that he has made efforts to make changes in his life but when he is offered the drug, he just can't say no. Once he starts, he can't stop. Given the career he has, one that does not require education, his coworkers are mostly either active in doing drugs, or did it in the past and have been sober for a while. I asked him why he didn't seek help earlier, he said he was embarrassed and he thought he could do it on his own. According to his family, he went through his longest period of sobriety during our relationship and it was ~4 months. Despite their past efforts to have him get help, he was always in denial and said they were "crazy." This time, he didn't resist and agreed to go to a 21-day rehab program and his fam said I was the "extra push." I'm still uncertain whether he's doing this entirely for himself as it took his whole family to intervene for him to realize the seriousness of his problem and mind you, he also has a 6-year-old daughter which he doesn't have custody of, that he very much wants to be a part of his life.

Even though we had broken up, a part of me still wishes he would be able to demonstrate that loving side of him consistently once he sobers up and that our relationship could finally thrive. I know we both came from extremely different backgrounds but we were able to stay in love for 6 months despite all that craziness that happened before his addiction came to light. We could talk for hours about anything, I always had his support in my endeavors, and we have similar goals in life (though his commitment to reaching them might not have been as serious as now that he's finally going to rehab). I'm just not ready to let go of what the future has in store for us once he cleans up. When I broke up with 4 days ago and told him how hurt I was and that I couldn't keep talking to him for a while, all he said was "just what I needed, have a great life." This is usually his reaction when I bring up breaking up, then he would proceed to chase me back after I hadn't talked to him for more than one day (as mentioned earlier). I'm unsure whether I can remain strong when he comes back and he has come back every time in the past....I want a happy, fulfilling future but I also want him to be a part of it...

I'm not sure what I'm looking for. Advice to move on? Someone to hear me out? Hope that recovery is possible? I have learned that addiction is a disease and allowing it to be part of my life comes with a price...My mind has been racing and I appreciate anything you guys can share. Sorry for rambling on and on. Thank you so much for reading. Have a blessed day!

Ariesagain

Move on, x1000.

It's late and I'm tired so I won't be able to sugar-coat this.

Please stay and do some more reading of the many, many threads written by people who have lost years and years of their lives trying to turn their addicts and alcoholics into who they want them to be. It's heartbreaking.

You have six months of off and on drama with this guy. No kids, no vows, no joined finances, no living together.

Dump this relationship by the side of the road and drive on while thanking the universe for your close call.

P.S. He's 25, but he has at least a six-year addiction, a drug-related criminal record, and a child and I'm therefore assuming an ex out there somewhere.

RUN.

PhoenixJ

Lots of advice here. Focus on you. Rehab is good- but only with effort and proven action can there be a basis for trust- with ongoing long term support (for me- booze). Do not put your life on hold. The threaten to take his life bit- at worst, needs help..professional. At best- an emotional blackmail- manipulate feelings. Addiction means anything goes to get the attention and the reward. That is the only thing about it that makes sense- especially when the addiction starts of effect the person- physically and mentally over time. Such things are out of your control. The fact you say he lied to you from the beginning says lots. You are not at fault. Stay safe and be careful with social media and phone calls. There are support groups for people who are affected by addicted SO's. For alcies- it is AL-Anon. SR also has a lot of info- look and research. It is good you are enquiring to make informed decisions instead of relying on osmotic effect.
Empathy and support to you, LL. Keep posting. PJ

atalose

And that price is extremely high. Addiction is life long and a daily commitment to someone who wants to be sober/clean and for the rest of their lives. I don't see a 25 year old who's already years into it making a drastic change any time soon. Recovery is always possible but the dire drive to become and stay sober has to be something they truly want and then be willing to achieve it.

Loving an addict is to run out of tears, it's a lonely life where you will always come second even third or fourth in his life. You might even see a light at the end of the tunnel when/if he claims he wants to stop and wants help only to discover that the light at the end of the tunnel was actually the train and you get run over again. This cycle may repeat itself for years, it's why you need to be totally done with this relationship now, grieve it and move on.

We can love people from a distance, we can want the best for them without actually having to participate with that.

Lots of us here understand your roller coaster of emotions it's never as easy to end a relationship, especially one where you have invested in so much of their "potential" and feel like maybe hanging on to see if that ever comes about. With addicts who don't want recovery, it never does.

VigilanceNow

I agree with Aries... It's not easy to hear, but he sounds like he's got a pretty complicated life that could really interfere with your future. With all that you mentioned about yourself, I don't know how you could have anything in common with this guy...

You should focus on you and let him and the professionals deal with him getting sober. Addiction is a lifelong thing- just as it will always be hard for me to not get a drink, it will always be hard for him to not accept coke when offered.

Good luck!

AnvilheadII

a part of me still wishes he would be able to demonstrate that loving side of him consistently once he sobers up and that our relationship could finally thrive

a 21 day stint in rehab isn't going to PRODUCE a new better HIM. it will merely give him a few weeks away from drugs and alcohol and a chance to learn some tools to live sober. he would have to commit to not drinking or using again EVER. no special occasions or moderation. getting sober is the easy part, staying sober is a lot of hard work for a long long time.

in a very short six months you saw a lot of red flags. pay attention to them! any relationship that has more than one short break up is doomed to repeat the cycle and create tons of chaos. chaos you do not need. all those "long" talks were in part likely due to him being high on coke. it MAKES you chatty as hell....motor mouth. it also causes mood swings, irritability, irrationality.

really best to just walk away from this. your life's path does not need this type of distraction and insanity.

hopeful4

I am not trying to be harsh here, however here it is.

Run. Get away. This man is not your husband. You don't have children together. A life with him will ruin you, he will take you down the rabbit hole with him quite likely.

You just graduated. You have your life in line. There will be someone else who will actually deserve you, without your having to deal with their addiction.

I am sorry to be so blunt b/c I know it hurts. I also know it hurts much more when your life has become so entangled that you feel like you cannot leave. Give yourself permission to move on, and move forward to a happy and healthy relationship. Look at yourself. When you are with the right person, you will be happy.

Hugs to you.

lovinglife123

Thank you all of you for your thoughtful responses. I know very well now what I am willing to sacrifice for someone else, and that is definitely not pouring all the love I have with no return. Something I am still kind of confused about is that, of the two times he "slipped up" (that I know of), he was never like a monster, just ignored me and told me to leave at most. He never stole from me or disappeared for days. People have mentioned that once someone is using, they will do anything to keep that "high" and they immediately become a danger to people around them. Does this mean I hadn't been around long enough to witness the monstrous side of the drug? There's no such thing as a person being able to not lose himself completely due to the drug, right? Sorry for these possibly stupid questions, but I'd appreciate if anyone can shed some light on this.

AnvilheadII

well you weren't around him THAT long.....and i don't think he was as "clean and sober" for any period of time as you think. i suspect he was using most of the time, at some level.

and not every addict tries to eat your face off when they relapse! and most DO want to get away from the person nagging at them to stop!! and addiction is a spectrum......addicts WILL progress over time and be able to "manage" their addiction less and less. this guy was what? 25? yup, still bullet proof.

it's not a movie you want to see. and it's good you left the theater!

AnvilheadII

ps - sorry, i really exceeded my "and" limit there!

Just24hrs

Thanks for the post lovinglife123. I have been a coke head, but my main drug of choice was alcohol. I started going to treatment when I was 23, after my wife threatened to leave me if I didn't quit drinking. I am now in my 5th treatment center 11 years later learning the same lessons over again. My wife is long gone, I have no money or possessions of value to speak of. I am not saying this is everyone's path with addiction, but mine went from social parties and fun to being completely broken and alone, with nothing to speak of at 34 years old. If you do decide to stay in the relationship, please keep in mind that everything you build together may be washed away again and again. It takes strength to stay sober, and maybe even more to watch a loved one who is not.

hopeful4

There are many many people on these boards to have been married to someone for YEARS and they did not realize they were using, until it gets horribly bad, which it will.

By that time, they are married, have entangled finances, own property together, and the biggest heart ache of all, have children together. There is no pain in the world like seeing your child have to deal with having an addict parent.

zoso77

Congratulations on finishing your degree. Don't wait too long to go back for your Masters.

The reason why I singled this quote out of your post is because these are positive events in your life. Speaking from experience, graduate school when there's an addict in the picture is virtually impossible. Graduate school is significantly harder than any undergraduate program and it requires 100% commitment. If he's in your life and he's still using, or abstaining but not living a healthier life, you won't be able to give 100% commitment.

One of the things we have to learn as we progress through adulthood is just because we love someone doesn't mean we should have them in our lives. And I hope you keep this in mind in the days and weeks to come.

Keep us posted.

PuzzledHeart

I second Zoso about the Masters degree. Don't do what I did and wait.

I also agree with Zoso about the time and dedication required to complete the degree. Not only are you trying to do the actual work, but you're also actively networking with students and other potential career contacts from the get go. My graduate degree experience was like this: holidays are spent looking for internships/jobs. Hours between classes are opportunities for hustling for informational interviews. If you have an addict to take care of, you will be missing these opportunities because you will be distracted. It will be too easy to pass them by, and believe me you want as many opportunities as possible to find a job that can make a dent on the student loans you will most likely have.

And then, of course, there is the actual work. I can't imagine being able to do the work I did if I had an addict to take care of. I had a baby, and I had a husband to help me and it was still insane!

In other words, don't look back. Learn what you can learn from the past, but then you have to let it go.

lovinglife123

@AnvilheadII, thanks for educating me. What are the causes for the addiction to progress over time if addicts are making efforts to recover as opposed to continuing their habitual use?

@Just24hrs, I'm deeply sorry for your losses. It is indeed a scary thought and a relationship with fear and doubts can never be a healthy one. Thank you for sharing your journey. It takes immense strength to remain persistent after all you've gone through. Hang in there, much support to you

@hopeful4, thank you for the powerful reminder. I cannot even imagine what life would be like then. I'm sorry if you had to go through that, but am sure you have made wise choices since then.

@zoso77, PuzzledHeart, thank you for the tips. I know I have a tough road ahead of me in the near future. I will keep in mind that my aspirations must always come first at this time of my life. Congrats to both of you on your Master's

AnvilheadII

What are the causes for the addiction to progress over time if addicts are making efforts to recover as opposed to continuing their habitual use?

it's just the nature of the damn disease. while i think the cancer reference is overused, think about someone who has cancer, gets treatment, and goes into remission. then one day...it's back or it's metastasized and shows up somewhere else. the cancer never really WENT AWAY completely, some footprint or genetic signature remained.

addiction is never cured. it is never removed. one cannot UNaddict.

Wlkingonglass

Hi, I wish I had found these forums earlier. Although in hindsight I'm not sure they would have helped....I'm as bullheaded as they come and advice seemed to wash off me.

My BF is a cocaine addict. We dated for a year before I found out, as I was never exposed to that drug and didn't know the warning signs. It came to head when he tried to commit suicide thus coming clean while strapped to a bed in the hospital. He entered a 30 day rehab facility and came out the other end full of hope and possibilities. It was beautiful to see, I knew that person was in there somewhere. I'm sorry to say though, this is not where it ends, all beautiful and new.

My life has since been absorbed into his black hole. I have become engrossed in helping him through his ups and downs (literally - he was diagnosed as bipolar 8 months ago). Forgoing my own needs and wants and responsibilities in order to make his path a less stressful and happier one, "when he's happy I'm happy" God how many times did I tell myself that? "He will succeed, I will give him such a good life that he'll never want to go back". It's all crap really, there is no saving someone. They can only save themselves.

I wish I could tell you to run, I was told to but I didn't and still haven't. Last night he did an oz of coke because we got in an argument about finances and when he refused to share his information I knew something was up.

This may not be what you have to look forward to, but from all the posts I've read there is a good chance that this is your future. I too had a beautiful degree and was running a multi million dollar company and now look at me...

lovinglife123

@Wlkingonglass, thank you so much for sharing. Maybe I'm "logical" now only because I'm not in the same situation as many others, but what were the reasons for you guys staying after numerous relapses? Yes I know relapses happen, but the addict must actively WORK on preventing the next one from happening and these are efforts we need to SEE them making. The recovering addict has to demonstrate through consistent behavior that recovery comes before everything else in life and we can then know how likely successful recovery really is. Yes addiction is a disease, but it is up to the person's willpower to overcome it's deadly effects and that willpower can certainly prove itself through actions. So that leads me to ask again, what are some motivations behind partners sticking around in spite of repeated relapses, and perhaps, failures to address the causes of them? Because in the end, I still believe the person can beat it, but only if they REALLY want to and have shown time and time again that they do.

lovinglife123

Sorry, we kind of went back to square one for a bit...I guess the amount of willpower it takes is just not something everyone can have, no matter how much they want it....and I'll learn to accept that.

PuzzledHeart

He contacted you or you contacted him?

Either way, there's a saying that goes around here. Time takes time. This will take time.

That said, you have a choice on how exactly you want to spend that time. Going backwards or moving forwards. Your pick.