NEED ADVISE- Missing brother
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Join Date: May 2017
Location: Fort Worth, Texas
Posts: 2
NEED ADVISE- Missing brother
I've never posted here before but as I struggled to think of someone who I could call and talk to I realized no one really understands unless they're in it.
My big brother (recently turned 34) has been an alcoholic for over a decade now. He drinks over 1.5 liter of vodka a day, with his health deteriorating in front of my parents and I face. Within the past year he has had over 2 dozen ER detox visits as he is no longer able to binge drink for longer (months) periods with out getting ill. After so many mentally draining attempts at trying to convince him to go to inpatient rehab program he still refuses. He has hit rock bottom, no friends, no job, no home yet he is making every attempt to bypass long term inpatient rehab.
He has been living with my parents for the past 3 months (got evicted from his apartment), going for a couple of days sober but inevitably would relapse , binge drink and go to the ER. Recently my parents and I attempted to gave him an ultimatum go to rehab or find another place to live, to which he abruptly moved out.
This happened nearly 16 days ago and we have not heard back from him (he has no cell phone) since. We have been worried sick as he is also attempted suicide in the past.
He is a smart, thoughtful and extremely caring but very prideful and stubborn. Which makes this situation even harder. We are a close family but this has been tearing us apart as we have tried everything on earth to help him but to no avail.
Should we file a missing person report or is it best to wait?!? My hesitation with waiting is the fear that he might be alone somewhere dying, while we idly stand by and do nothing. Any advice would be appreciated.
Anyway, this was long and rambling but felt good to write. I'm just really worried and feel so helpless it infuriates me and sadness me to core of my being.
Thanks,
The younger brother who feels decades older
My big brother (recently turned 34) has been an alcoholic for over a decade now. He drinks over 1.5 liter of vodka a day, with his health deteriorating in front of my parents and I face. Within the past year he has had over 2 dozen ER detox visits as he is no longer able to binge drink for longer (months) periods with out getting ill. After so many mentally draining attempts at trying to convince him to go to inpatient rehab program he still refuses. He has hit rock bottom, no friends, no job, no home yet he is making every attempt to bypass long term inpatient rehab.
He has been living with my parents for the past 3 months (got evicted from his apartment), going for a couple of days sober but inevitably would relapse , binge drink and go to the ER. Recently my parents and I attempted to gave him an ultimatum go to rehab or find another place to live, to which he abruptly moved out.
This happened nearly 16 days ago and we have not heard back from him (he has no cell phone) since. We have been worried sick as he is also attempted suicide in the past.
He is a smart, thoughtful and extremely caring but very prideful and stubborn. Which makes this situation even harder. We are a close family but this has been tearing us apart as we have tried everything on earth to help him but to no avail.
Should we file a missing person report or is it best to wait?!? My hesitation with waiting is the fear that he might be alone somewhere dying, while we idly stand by and do nothing. Any advice would be appreciated.
Anyway, this was long and rambling but felt good to write. I'm just really worried and feel so helpless it infuriates me and sadness me to core of my being.
Thanks,
The younger brother who feels decades older
Member
Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 844
Such a difficult situation. If he has a history of depression, attempted suicide, and especially if he has not disappeared in the past like this, then I would file a missing persons report. It really cant do any harm can it?
It might help your family to seek out a doctor/therapist who deals with addiction. As a family you could share your feelings, and maybe get some of the blanks filled in for you about his alcoholism and behaviors. Plus, it might help your family figure out what to do next if he does get in contact. Even when you talk about long term rehab there is a lot of variation in treatment and some dont offer dual diagnosis for mental or emotional issues. Being informed prior to needing the services can help. I learned that the hard way.
It might help your family to seek out a doctor/therapist who deals with addiction. As a family you could share your feelings, and maybe get some of the blanks filled in for you about his alcoholism and behaviors. Plus, it might help your family figure out what to do next if he does get in contact. Even when you talk about long term rehab there is a lot of variation in treatment and some dont offer dual diagnosis for mental or emotional issues. Being informed prior to needing the services can help. I learned that the hard way.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Well, suppose the police find him. What then? They could take him in on an involuntary hold to evaluate him, but it's actually no crime to drink oneself to death.
It can't be good for you or your parents to have him in your home. And you asked him to leave, and he did. Maybe he is angry and just doesn't want to talk to any of you. That's his right, isn't it?
So, again, what would you do if you found him? You'd still have the same problem, right?
Have you and your folks been to Al-Anon? If not, I REALLY recommend it.
It can't be good for you or your parents to have him in your home. And you asked him to leave, and he did. Maybe he is angry and just doesn't want to talk to any of you. That's his right, isn't it?
So, again, what would you do if you found him? You'd still have the same problem, right?
Have you and your folks been to Al-Anon? If not, I REALLY recommend it.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Hi Chad. I agree that you could file a mp report but when he's found, then what? I think the most loving thing your parents and you could do is let him go. He will either (a) decide being a penniless homeless drunk just isn't that much fun anymore and seek help, or (b) continue his downward spiral which there's nothing you can do about it when it comes to addiction. The addict holds ALL the power and answers for which path to go. Unfortunately your "help" isn't going to help.
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Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Long Island, NY
Posts: 821
Originally Posted by Chadphensi691 
He has hit rock bottom, no friends, no job, no home yet he is making every attempt to bypass long term inpatient rehab.
Originally Posted by Chadphensi691
We are a close family but this has been tearing us apart as we have tried everything on earth to help him but to no avail....I'm just really worried and feel so helpless it infuriates me and sadness me to core of my being.
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast
Posts: 1,235
If it makes you all feel better to file a missing persons report, then perhaps that's what you should do.
You told him to leave the house, you didn't tell him to stop talking to you. His decision to go AWOL has NOTHING to do with what you did or didn't do. He chose to stop communicating with you - you said yourself that he was extremely prideful and stubborn. He is most likely expressing his frustration not only about his relationship with his family, his living situation, but his entire life in general. Unfortunately, he hasn't elected the healthiest way of communicating that frustration.
I have a sister who has been dealing with a pot/alcohol habit for twenty plus years (more on the pot side now I think). She makes it a point of pride that she doesn't listen to anything that people have to say. My parents and I have argued so many times about what to do with her. At the end of the day, I had to make a conscientious decision to let her go and concentrate my efforts on her daughters. I had to do it to preserve my sanity. I tried so long to figure out what was going on inside her head, but since she was a longtime abuser it was like entering a labyrinth with no way out. My own husband pointed out that nothing I was doing or saying or thinking was making a bit of difference. All I was doing was losing my hair and grinding my teeth.
She will have to write her own story. So will your brother. So will you.
You told him to leave the house, you didn't tell him to stop talking to you. His decision to go AWOL has NOTHING to do with what you did or didn't do. He chose to stop communicating with you - you said yourself that he was extremely prideful and stubborn. He is most likely expressing his frustration not only about his relationship with his family, his living situation, but his entire life in general. Unfortunately, he hasn't elected the healthiest way of communicating that frustration.
I have a sister who has been dealing with a pot/alcohol habit for twenty plus years (more on the pot side now I think). She makes it a point of pride that she doesn't listen to anything that people have to say. My parents and I have argued so many times about what to do with her. At the end of the day, I had to make a conscientious decision to let her go and concentrate my efforts on her daughters. I had to do it to preserve my sanity. I tried so long to figure out what was going on inside her head, but since she was a longtime abuser it was like entering a labyrinth with no way out. My own husband pointed out that nothing I was doing or saying or thinking was making a bit of difference. All I was doing was losing my hair and grinding my teeth.
She will have to write her own story. So will your brother. So will you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 514
Chad, I can imagine what you're through. I'm sure your family feels an overwhelming urge to do something, and perhaps a missing persons report would be a good start. If you find him, you could just talk to him and express your concern. That's all you can do. If he's deep in an alcoholic cycle, all he really wants is means to get alcohol and a place to drink it. He's probably found one.
Good luck, keep us posted!
Good luck, keep us posted!
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